COGS, ST and OCD: The Triumvirate of Workplace Weirdos (679 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.95 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack 11058 (View user info) at 2006-10-18 13:58:38 EDT
My workplace(s) feature quite the combination of questionable characters.
At my M,W,F location are the following winners:
1) Creepy Old Guy who Sings (COGS). Sure, we've all belted out a few off-key warbles to "Memories" on the way into the office--all vibrato, all the time--who hasn't? Or maybe you've been jamming out to that platinum-gold reissue of George Michael's Greatest Hits of All Time Volume 453 on your MP3 player of choice and, in an unguarded moment, accidentally let slip the chorus of "I Like to Snort Blow off the Taint of Various Sailors in the Men's Room". As we can all agree, that's well and good.
However, I'm guessing you are not like COGS. You don't go down to the cafeteria in the basement--you know, the one with all the health code violations (Zagat rated F-)--and buy a coup of vegetable soup to supplement your lunch (which you bring to work in a powder blue Transformers lunch box) and take a seat in the corner, all the while singing songs from Mama Mia, including Dancing Queen, Honey Honey, and Super Trouper. And you're also not a 68-year old man who looks like a cross between a dirty hobo and my fifth grade Christian School teacher Mister Ritsema, right? And, I'm sure, you don't stare out challengingly at all who pass you, defiantly increasing your volume if someone makes eye contact.
He's actually got a pretty nice voice, I'll give him that.
2) The Shit Talker (ST). I'm not talking about someone who likes talking smack. Everyone likes talking smack: "Yeah, my favorite sports collective defeated your favorite sports collective, bitchass!" and "Nice stapler, dickweed!" and "My bald spot is soo smaller that your bald spot!" have all been heard around my office, and that's just fine by me (my bald spot really is smaller than Paul's).
Nope.
ST talks to himself while taking a shit. And not the usual, encouraging half-grunts common to most men. That really wouldn't bother me. Who, after all, has never coaxed/threatened/begged their Deuce McAllister? ST is a low talker/whisperer. Four times (counting today) I've encountered ST. He uses the same out of the way, privateish bathroom I do. Each time it's the same. There I am, comfortably ensconced on 25 layers of thin paper toilet seat protectors, straining calmly and relaxedly, playing a little Texas Hold Them poker on my cell phone to pass the time.
Unlike me, ST doesn't mind if one of the two stalls is occupied. He just pops in to the adjoining stall, drops his ass with a grunt, and proceeds to start talking. It's actually a little scary. The words are always to low to make out, even when I put my ear against the wall of the stall (insert glory hole joke here) and listen intently. It's almost as if he's chanting some kind of poop incantation or something. Whatever he's doing, I always wrap up quick and get the hell out of there.
I've never seen his face.
At the T and TH worksite location is my favorite friend: OCD guy.
Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not talking about real OCD or making fun of anyone, although that is an easy target. This guy doesn't wash his hands 100 times a day or constantly check his pants to make sure his junk is still there, so he doesn't really exhibit those traditional signs. But he is a freak show.
He's personally as slovenly as a drunken politician after a hard night's drinking and fondling their (male) secretary. When he talks, his tongue flops around like a half dead founder, and deposits of chalky spit form in the corner of his mouth. His pendulous belly swings low over his belt and his wide, colorful ties usually reach less than half-way down his chest.
His desk, however, is a thing of beauty. Every paperclip, tape roll, pencil, coffee mug, name plate, notebook and stapler is in its place. He has no organizational item holders like a pen cup. Everything is simply laid out geometrically on the desk for his use. Every time I walk buy his office, he is rearranging something or straightening some imaginary mess. Once I'm sure I saw him quickly throw a ruler over his shoulder as I walked by.
So last week I waited until he went to the bathroom and snuck into his office. It was then that I noticed he had two of everything, and not just the stuff you would expect him to have multiples of. Homeboy had two staplers, two tape dispensers and, off to one side where I couldn't see when I'd previously walked by, two identical office telephones.
I talk it back, maybe he really is OCD. But no-one should get to have two office phones if mine doesn't even work. This is shit.
I decided to keep it simple. I picked up his two mechanical pencils and switched them with his two blue bic pens. I was planning to incrementally increase the changes every day I was there until he actually noticed.
As I slunk back to my office, I never expected him to notice on the first day. Needless to say, he did.
"Who's been in my office?!" he cried out, a baby seal dying in his throat. "Who moved my stuff around?"
He stalked into the hallway and into my office. "What's the meaning of this?" Fortunately, he was yelling at my office mate Tom. Not that I was expecting said turn of events, but Tom is known as a bit of an office prankster.
As Tom protested his innocence, I went our and got some Au Bon Pain.
I don't think I'll mess with OCD guy anymore. Could get ugly.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-04-16 01:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
got to finish the damn book.
***
and?
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-11-09 13:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mind if i use this as a title at some point?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95548#2218391
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poop guy and our phantom poop lady should totally hook up.
There's a bird here who must have an anal passage wide enough to fit the QE2 down. She's managed to block the loo three times this week with what smells like an almost entire rotting corpse that hasn't digested.
Fucking clatty cow.
I can't go at work, and I resent those who can.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could of been way funnyier +1
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-18 22:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real B@W quality. A VERY rare thing anymore. Good job.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-18 21:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-10-18 21:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
..
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-18 20:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-18 19:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:38:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Please fuck with him some more. I want to read about it.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-18 17:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for Jack!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-18 16:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-10-18 16:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit it...
I sometimes sing "Dancing Queen".
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-18 15:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please fuck with him some more. I want to read about it.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:20:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fuck off Jared.
--------------------
Lest we forget what happened LAST revolution, you limey bum snorter.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, now I want a French Dip.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hi everybody: jonny, dave, et al.
indeed i'm back here and there, but not too often. got to finish the damn book etc...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...OCD people can rip you a new cornhole if you rub them the wrong way.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fuck off Jared.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a coup of soup?
MINESTRONE WILL DIE! VIVE LA REVOLUCION!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"a coup of vegetable soup"
BEEF BARLEY'S THROAT WILL BE SLIT IN THE REVOLUTION!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The spellchecker really bitch-slapped you, eh?
This makes me happy. I thought I worked with a bunch of psychos.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-18 14:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
please pardon the spelling errors.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-18 13:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's my favourite badass!
Good to see you again, man