Is This Bitch Retarded, or Should I Have More Faith in Modern Society? (1245 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-10-19 06:16:12 EDT
I hate shopping, even at the best of times. By 'best of times', I mean when you can go to a 24 hour supermarket in the dead of night where there is nobody around to piss you off, and you dont have to wait a week to get served at a checkout.
Ergo, when I am forced to go shopping at peak time on a Saturday afternoon, things soon start getting heated. Behind the wheel of a car, I consider myself to be level headed, clear of mind, and rational. Put me behind a shopping trolley, and I make Fidel Castro look like Cliff Richard.
Supermarkets fuck me off beyond belief. Big time. I'm 99 percent certain, that in some god forsaken hell pocket of society, they breed people purely for the purpose of annoying other shoppers. These creatures are nurtured and trained to meander around shopping malls in trance like states, waiting to strike you with their customized trolleys that are designed for maximum shin-scraping pain. These people can stand in the dairy aisle for hours on end, picking up packets of butter, reading the label, replacing them, and picking up another packet of the same butter only to repeat the process.
Knowing this, I prepared myself for what was to come. But nothing could have prepared me for what eventually happened.
After filling my trolley with nutritional products, (pizzas, beer, microwave meals) I headed to the checkouts to pay for said goods. As anticipated, I was greeted by the site of a queue stretching all the way back to the fresh produce aisle, where I had started my arduous ordeal nearly 2 hours ago. Resigned to the fact that this could take some time, I let my mind wander with its usual twisted games, namely 'guess the bra size', 'spot the paedophile' and 'do you take it in the toes, bitch?'.
The lady in front of me in the queue had a full trolley, with a sleeping baby sat in the seat, who was probably all of 18 months old. As well as that little bundle of joy, she had a kid who looked maybe 4 years old by her side. He was picking up the sweets and bars of chocolate that adorn the checkout aisles, expressly put there to piss the fuck out of parents who can barely afford the meagre items in their trolley, let alone the ridiculously over-priced confectionary.
After 10 minutes in the queue, the 4 year old started complaining to his mum.
"Mummy, I need to go pee.." he stated, with his arms crossed over his mid-section in an amusingly over dramatic manner.
"Ok, honey, we're nearly done, we just need to pay for all this, and then I'll take you."
"No, mummy, I really need to pee, now!"
"Just wait....."
"NO!!! I'm gonna pee myself!" By now, the little kid is jumping up and down, his face clearly expressing the fact that if he didn't get to the toilet, he was going to let loose all over the floor.
The lady, (who I had already concluded to be a 36c, non paedophile who might just take it in the toes after a few babychams), turned around, and grabbed my attention.
"Excuse me, I have to take my son to the bathroom, and the queue is still quite long. Would you mind keeping an eye on my baby while I'm gone?"
What the fucking hell was this woman thinking? I could see her predicament...... but who the hell would entrust their new-born flesh and blood to a complete stranger? And not just any complete stranger, but me. I'm not the meanest looking hombre in the area, but I'm certainly no Prince Charming. If I saw me, I wouldn't trust me to look after a dog turd in a plastic wrapper.
I pondered the woman's mental state, and after assessing that she probably wasn't an escaped psycho, I agreed to comply with her request. After all, the baby was asleep, all I had to do was stay where I was until she came back. And besides, she was fairly cute, and probably a single mother, so maybe I could be her knight in shining armour, get her number, and treat her to some well deserved Joey-loving back at her council squat.
Big mistake. In hindsight, taking on this task made me the stupid bastard, not her.
Another shopper joined the queue behind me, and decided to add her piece.
"Why, what an adorable little child you have!"
"Um, it's not mine." Her look of admiration turned to a patronising scowl.
"Well, that's mighty good of you, taking on someone elses kids. But, I supposed that's to be accepted in this day and age...."
I could have corrected her, but I decided to let it go. A few more minutes passed, and the bitch mum still hadn't returned. The little form that was sat in the trolley began to stir. He (he? she? I'll say 'he' for the time being) raised his arms in a big stretch, and lifted his head from the sleeping position. Little Baby Bunting was stirring from the land of nod. He opened his eyes, and spent a few seconds taking in the environment around him. It didn't take him long to spot me.
"Er, hi little dude....." was all I could think of to say.
There could only have been one reaction. It was the same reaction that most women give when they come around from a deep sleep, only to see my face in front of them.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
I'm no child psychologist, but I'm guessing that this roughly translated as "Who the fuck are you, you hideous bastard! Where's that bitch whose tits I like to suck?"
I made a few attempts to soothe the wailing beast, but my cooes and whispers of "hey, it's ok little guy", seemed only to enrage him further. His screaming had now become accompanied by the flailing of limbs. His legs kicked against the back of trolley, and his arms began to beat on the plastic handle. He was writhing about in his seat, making all this commotion, and it was obvious that he was going to end up hurting himself. I tried pulling a few funny faces, but only petrified the poor little fucker even more.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
By now, the screaming child had drawn the attention of everyone in the vicinity. The woman behind me asked if I needed any help with my child.
"He's not mine!!!!!" Where the hell had the mother got to? I overheard a few mubled voices and tuts of 'can't control his own baby...'.
At this point, I lost it. Frustrated enough with the agony of having to crawl around the supermarket at a snail's pace, this was not what I needed.
"For fucks sake!" I shouted to the surrounding audience. "This little fucker is NOT mine!"
I turned around, and looked straight into the mother's raging face. She had returned whilst I was shouting at the rest of the store. She looked down at her child, who had finally quitened on sight of his human milk bottle.
"What have you done to my poor baby?"
"What? I haven't done anything, I just....."
"There's bruises all over his arms..... I just asked you to keep an eye on him...what have you done?!?! He's just a baby, look at him!! How could you do this?"
3 or 4 security guards had come over to check on the developing scene, and asked the hysterical mother what the problem was.
"This man has assaulted my child!" she shrieked. More looks this time. All aimed at me. And all coming from rather large gentlemen, too. The nearest security guard leaned over to me and spoke.
"I think you'd better leave, sir."
This was true. I would have liked to have stayed and pleaded my case, but the cuts and bruises I would have sustained would have been a tad more than the child's. I left my trolley where it was and quickly exited the store.
And to think I would have fucked that crazy whore...... I guess fantasy toe sex isn't what it used to be. Stupid bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-25 12:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've finished As I Lay Dying, I know you wanted to wait until the end to read it http://www.ubersite.com/m/94907
http://www.ubersite.com/u/axolotl/l/aild
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: (
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-24 14:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
some good lines but overall it was very meh.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-19 19:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies are evil
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate babies.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HELO THAR GROWINGFAMILY.COM
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:36:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Serves you right, next time feel the asshole in yourself rise up and say FUCK NO BIOTCH! BTW, what the hell does "take it in the toes after a few babychams" mean exactly??
-------------------------------------
Get her pissed, and she'll let you cum on her feet.
It's a whole new experience.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work on terrifying small children.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Excellent.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Serves you right, next time feel the asshole in yourself rise up and say FUCK NO BIOTCH! BTW, what the hell does "take it in the toes after a few babychams" mean exactly??
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful.. Just beautiful
*single tear trails down cheek*
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-19 11:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the mother's raging face"
Raging face?! I say you earned blowjobs and steaks for a solid month just for not eating her baby.
Do the woman a favor AND not eat her baby and she comes back mad? What a bitch.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-19 11:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHO THE FUCK WOULD LEAVE THEIR BABY WITH A STRANGER?!?!?!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-19 11:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaaa
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-10-19 10:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, Targa, great suggestion! That works on my dog, too.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-19 10:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard something once about babies not being able to hold their breath... or being really good at it, I'm not sure.
Either way, next time this happens, blow in the kid's face. I'm not sure why it works, but it shuts them up.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-10-19 10:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you know anything about babies? You're supposed to pick him up and shake him until he stops crying. It's like a soothing massage for him.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-19 09:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was amazing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-19 09:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-19 09:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have put him on the underside of the trolley. They bruise FAR less down there.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-10-19 09:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a cripple.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-19 09:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate people.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-19 08:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I grinned.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-19 08:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:13:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? i'm not reading all that
______
Who is this dick?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm no child psychologist, but I'm guessing that this roughly translated as "Who the fuck are you, you hideous bastard! Where's that bitch whose tits I like to suck?"
=====
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fagot supreme below.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? i'm not reading all that
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-19 07:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HeHe.
-Dave
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-19 06:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have no faith.