Have you heard about this "beer" drink? (779 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.54 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-10-19 12:32:35 EDT
After a semi-hard day at work last week, my good friend asked if I wanted to join him at this Public House, or "Pub" as it's commonly known as for a drink. While there he introduced me to this really swell elixir called "Beer". Have you heard of this stuff? Wow. Let me tell you, this stuff is freaking wonderful.
After tasting that first sip I exclaimed "Wow - this is the nectar of the gods." I took in this amber goodness for an hour or more before I realized what was happening to me; it was not only happiness in a glass, it had magical properties! Suddenly, I felt all of my stress and worries slip away. I was left with a feeling of general contentment and fulfillment. But these magical qualities did not stop there - oh no.
I found another effect of this sweet brew, and I called it Liquid Courage. Normally, I'm a shy and reserved type of fellow, rarely possessing the brass to converse with the opposite sex. However, under the spell of this fine beverage, I found that I did in fact have the nerves needed to talk to the girl at the end of the bar.
And let me tell you, under the influence of "beer," not only did I have the confidence I needed to converse, I also had wit and charm. It somehow turned a fat guy like me into a suave and desirable gentleman. We spoke for quite sometime and she was VERY easy to talk to. Why, I found myself spilling secrets I hadn't shared with my closest friends.
Later, she asked if I cared to dance. Now let me tell you dear reader, normally the answer to this question is always a no. I'm white. I'm a guy. I'm straight. If you follow the math you know it means I can't dance. However, the beer had unlocked in me the power to OWN THE DANCE FLOOR. Together, we looked like Fred and Ginger...if they had bred with Janet Jackson and Carl from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that is.
But it did not stop there, oh no. Being the gentleman that I am, I walked her home. She invited me upstairs for another one of these beers. Apparently, you can purchase them for home consumption as well. The makers of beer had thought of everything, it seems. Well, I won't bore you with the details, but let me just tell you...this beer has another quality. This swell swill is also Liquid Panty Remover! Splendid!
However, beer has a dark side as well...and I don't mean dark beers ha ha ha. The next morning, I awoke to find that under the enchantment of this beer, I had gone home with a princess. Upon awakening the next morning, however, I found that the spell had worn off and she turned back into a frog. Beware reader, beware.
I also found that it produced in me a feeling of nausea. It was as if all the beer I had digested the previous eve was determined to leave my stomach the same way it came in. Not only did it affect my stomach, but it also invited the percussion section of the local high school marching band into my brain, where they played solos in between my ear drums.
I called my friend from the night before and told him of my aliments. He recommended I consume any "food" off the breakfast menu at McDonalds. Now, normally I avoid McDonalds because...well, it's gross. However, I was desperate to remove the hideous feeling I had. It was as if the beer made everything better while I was chugging it down, but all the bad parts had "hung over" the next morning.
I took his advice and ordered the 2 for $3 deal with a coke. I was skeptical at first, but this "almost food" did the trick and I was cured. It was a miracle! Now that I know the cure, I believe I will enjoy this beer drink again... and again... and again. I plan to become like a workohlic, only with beer instead of work!
My friend explained to me that the trick was (looks up spelling and definition) mod - er - ration. Apparently, beer is yummy and proof that God wants us to be happy. However, it should be handled with care.
I am excited about my next trip to the Pub. I think now that I am more experienced with this wonderful stuff, my drinking of beer will get better every time I drink it... and I plan to drink it a lot! That's not the only reason I'm excited though; he promised to introduce me to this other beverage. I think it's new...hold on, I wrote it down somewhere. Oh, here it is: Tequila!
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-10-20 06:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Beer good (uh ruh uh oo oo).
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-20 03:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-10-20 03:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story, but guniess is crap.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry mate, it wasn't that good. It was ok, worth reading I guess, but it didn't really jump out and tickle me.
Unlike priests.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard of this concoction
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wait until you try those chilled wines, or whatever they're called.
What?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB!
This "beer" you speak of sounds like fun. In fact, I believe I'm going to try some tonight.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Beer is (burp) good for you..."
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
read like Gulliver's Travels
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-19 19:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:51:26 (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
_______________
Disregard the talentless HotWille, Fuckstick Extraordinaire....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-19 18:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny...who wrote this for you?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-19 18:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sure.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They have these wonderful machines that you can operate called 'auto mobiles'. I highly suggest taking beer and driving one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BRILLIANT!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment Brdn_Nkd. Is it because I'm a FIB?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MadameDestrukt (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for reminding me why I go to work everyday. To afford beer.
I feel much better now.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-19 15:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Beer rocks but Guiness tastes like liquid ass. And yes I know. Try Warstiener or Bitburger, still has taste but not shitty taste!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-19 15:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:45:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
Liquid Panty Remover is Southern Comfort - everybody knows that.
===
In Lishy's case, SoCo, or even the faint scent of it on the breeze, is liquid "contents of her stomach" remover.
I forgive you MyTee....THIS TIME.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that was happening O-tron. Wow, thanks for the explanation.
And..um..yeah Lishy. It's a...um...Tribute, yeah that's it, a tribute to you because...um...because you look so purty today.
(Smooth MyT, very smooth. Self high five)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY THAT'S MY PICTURE FROM GUINNESS BREWERY I TOOK IT MYSELF MMM GOOOD
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you experience the event known as "the breaking of the seal?" I fear you'll find that this beverage you speak of has no qualms about shrinking your bladder to the size of a squirrel's prostate. And - what's more - just like Ruffles, you'll find that once you pop you, my negro brother, simply cannot stop.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the advice Cadrach (and apollo). I appreciate it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Beer
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot how to read....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
This would have been better without the trite "liquid courage" and "liquid panty remover" lines. You were doing a great job with it but got a little heavy-handed rehashing of the cliches (making it too easy to get the jokes).
Could have been B@W (IMO) if it was just a tad less blatant.
The workaholic except with beer instead of work line was excellent, too.
What? Yes. I am a professor of comedic writing at a presitgeous East Coast University. This much should be clear from my sparkling post history.
I'll just be shutting up now. """
hahaah the end of that reivew was ace.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-10-19 13:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I plan to become like a workohlic, only with beer instead of work!"
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would have been better without the trite "liquid courage" and "liquid panty remover" lines. You were doing a great job with it but got a little heavy-handed rehashing of the cliches (making it too easy to get the jokes).
Could have been B@W (IMO) if it was just a tad less blatant.
The workaholic except with beer instead of work line was excellent, too.
What? Yes. I am a professor of comedic writing at a presitgeous East Coast University. This much should be clear from my sparkling post history.
I'll just be shutting up now.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha filename
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somewhere in Australia....
Marge: "I'd like a coffee, please."
Bartender: "Beer it is."
Marge: "No, coffee!"
Bartender: "Beer!"
Marge: "COF-FEE!"
Bartender: "BE-ER!"
Marge: "C...O...F...F..."
Bartender: "E...E...R..."
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Liquid Panty Remover is Southern Comfort - everybody knows that.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do we share mutual friends?
-Dave
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah...when i was on the bus this morning, i saw a heart drawn on the sidewalk with the words Justin+Beer=True Love in it