Even More Things Bush Signed Into Law (1511 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-10-19 16:28:18 EDT
With all the stink about the suspension of Habeus Corpus signed into law by George Bush recently, it appears that nobody has paid any attention to some of the other provisions and changes that appeared as riders on the bill.
Luckily for you, I've highlighted the ten most important changes we'll be dealing with:
Arabic Numerals will now be called Freedom Numerals.
$11 million appropration made to erect giant stone arch in front of Gitmo that reads "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here".
It is now legal to wipe your ass with a one dollar bill, because shitting on the founding fathers is in vogue.
Hillary Clinton's phone number has been removed from the telemarketer "Do Not Call" list.
That whole bit about not being President if you're from another country has been amended to read "unless you're a movie star".
Black people can't vote anymore because Constitutional Amendments ending in the number "5" don't count, and they mostly voted Democrat anyway.
The Texas Rangers will be taking the place of the Detroit Tigers in this year's World Series. (Don't worry, noboy will watch either way).
Wiretaps of gas stations and 7-11s now legal without warrants.
Iraq officially declared a draw.
Definition of sedition now expanded to include appearing on TV with Bill Maher.
User Reviews
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cary is blue, not red.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seditious was my favorite word a few days ago. After I looked it up in the dictionary anyway.
P.S. I can't believe you're going to live in a mcmansion. The sprawl around Raleigh (that I pronounce rally, to Chris's dismay) and Durham is disgusting. Jesuslaaaaaaaaaaaa...nd But it should be a lot of fun to fuck with the neighbors.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-10-20 04:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-20 03:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:12:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:53:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person f***ing him...is you.
~bill maher~
====================================
+2 for that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was awesome.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-20 03:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-10-20 03:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
retrospect-- that was gold.
".........turned spinach into a 'side dish of mass destruction'......."
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the ban on playing tag is certainly going to help out with that whole obesity issue.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-06-26-recess-bans_x.htm
good to know that the future leaders of the country are such pussies that they can't even handle a game of tag - it makes me proud
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BM is fucking awesome.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doo dah
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Iraq officially declared a draw."
ROFaLlujah
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! I loved my Ritalin!
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-10-19 19:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Forced.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was wonderful.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:53:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person f***ing him...is you.
~bill maher~
====================================
+2 for that.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Bill Maher is amazing.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-10-19 17:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is fucking hilarious.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person f***ing him...is you.
~bill maher~
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:47:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT THE SPECIAL TAX ON BAGS OF JEW GOLD, IT'S KRISTALLNACHT v2.0 RUN MOTHERFUCKER RUN
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Bush is fine with Jews. It's black people he doesn't like... don't you listen to Kanye West?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:43:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
This screams "Chain Email Forward".
I'm not saying you didn't make it up. I don't know, or care.
I'm saying, why RAZOR WHY?!!
-------------------
Because I'm busy buying a house and don't have time to contribute high quality stuff to Uber right now? Because I like to poke fun at conservatives? Because I concieved of and wrote this post in 4 minutes?
Don't make me come up with another 7 reasons...
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT THE SPECIAL TAX ON BAGS OF JEW GOLD, IT'S KRISTALLNACHT v2.0 RUN MOTHERFUCKER RUN
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah!!
i <3 bill maher.
his New Rules last week was great!
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This screams "Chain Email Forward".
I'm not saying you didn't make it up. I don't know, or care.
I'm saying, why RAZOR WHY?!!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You hit me with your pencil, Dave.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed a bit too.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:34:31 (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope after you posted this you tossed an index card throgh a window while Paul Schaffer struck up the band.
*cue shattered glass sound*
---
haha that was definitely the spirit of this post...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope after you posted this you tossed an index card throgh a window while Paul Schaffer struck up the band.
*cue shattered glass sound*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-19 16:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed a bit