I'm a lazy alcoholic, who hates my job and laughs loudly when people fall over. Now who wants to live with me? (Adventures of an Aspiring Flatmate Pt 2) (1487 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I_can_get_you_a_toe (View user info) at 2006-10-19 20:11:38 EDT
Part One - http://www.ubersite.com/m/93625
The perils of moving into a new place with complete strangers are numerous yet fascinating. I find it a weird situation to be in - living willingly with complete strangers, you can never be enitrely sure what kind of person you are essentially sharing a part of your life with and its quite hard to make a decision based purely on a 20 minute meeting, I've also never been the best judge or character as I tend to like and trust nearly everyone i meet.
Well the annoying job of flat-hunting was out of the way, only to be replaced with the equally annoying job of packing - one never really realises exactly how much crap they have until they have to pile it into boxes and plastic bags.
I moved into my new place and the look of horror and disgust on my mothers face was absolutely priceless, my new flatmate had obviously held a party the night before as there were beer bottles everywhere and someone was taking a piss off the side of the porch. I knew I right then that I was going to settle in nicely.
Now all I had to do was become the perfect flatmate, someone who respected other peoples privacy and property, someone who cleaned up after themselves and someone who would never come home at 3am, drunk and singing 'Greased Lightning' at the top of their lungs.
I failed on so many levels
I spent the first couple of weeks sort of tip-toeing around , my new flatmate owned the house and pretty much everything in it, but he was completely cool with people making themselves comfortable. Still, I would feel weird everytime I played his stereo or used his toothbrush.
But soon enough we fell into a rhythm, we hardly ever saw each other due to different work schedules but I knew that we were getting along great by the little presents he would leave me - toenail clippings on the lounge floor, pee all over the toilet seat - you know, kind little gestures to let me know he cared.
But it all really fell into place one night, about a month after I had moved in, I went out and got completely and utterly shit-faced, on coming home i was unable to get my key into the lock so I decided the easiest option was to climb in through a window. There was a stray nail sticking out of the window sill and it dug out some of my skin quite painfully.
I vaguely remember crawling along the floor in pain , silently sobbing to myself, with the intention of going to the bathroom. I obviously did not make it as when I came to, the next morning, I was curled up on the floor in front of the bathroom blocking the door with a pile of puke artfully arranged in a puddle beside me.
I was completely mortified, what if my flatmate had seen me? I do admit that there is nothing more awesome than drunken people you don't know that well passed out on the floor, but what if he didn't think that way? Would I be ridiculed or lauded? When was the last time this floor was cleaned?
I tried to stealthily go into my bedroom and had almost made it, when I heard his voice boom out from the kitchen.
'HAVE A GOOD SLEEP?'
I slowly turned to face him; he was standing there with a big 'welcome to the family' grin on his face and a camera in his hand,
'I go a photo'
The photo still hangs on the wall to this day and has since been accompanied by more than a few others (not just of me, thank god)
His girlfriend also moved in two weeks after that, which didn't make any frickin difference as she was there all the time anyway - eating my cheese. Bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-04 15:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
only a +1 for not posting the photo.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-29 02:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just gonna finish this off before bed, with no bad jokes.
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-11-05 18:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/F93C150C-1446-492B-93B8-D930C6EE8412.htm
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-11-05 09:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
RETALITORY -2 WOOOO!!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-29 04:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's insane how expensive cheese is in NZ, compared to everything else. I was the girlfriend who ate the cheese, but I always replaced it! I spent more money on food in his flat than he did!
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-29 01:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still, I would feel weird everytime I played his stereo or used his toothbrush.
Lol.
I laughed right here.
Your a sick man
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-05-11 05:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"used his toothbrush"???
That's disgusting! That is like the most unhygenic thing ever. I'm writting this down so that I can ask other Kiwis if that is acceptable behaviour.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-03 10:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I would feel weird everytime I played his stereo or used his toothbrush."
----
HAHAHAHAA
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-03 02:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:36:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-11-27 23:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shomer-fucking-Shabbos...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-20 09:34:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-10-20 00:01:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
the hell have you been?
----------------------------
Making the world safe for Democracy, you?
Oh, by the way, I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner the other night, Cheryl and thought the stroganoff was marvelous.
----------------------------
Was hoping you would be back.
Speaking of stroganoff. The funniest box of stroganoff is the hamburger helper box. Due to the little hand next to the words.
---
i make the best stroganoff EVAR
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice... Although I like the first one better than this one.
Then again, Isn't that the case with all sequels?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
0wnz0r$!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-20 09:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-10-20 00:01:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
the hell have you been?
----------------------------
Making the world safe for Democracy, you?
Oh, by the way, I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner the other night, Cheryl and thought the stroganoff was marvelous.
----------------------------
Was hoping you would be back.
Speaking of stroganoff. The funniest box of stroganoff is the hamburger helper box. Due to the little hand next to the words.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-20 09:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never fall asleep on your stairs. That really hurts.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-10-20 07:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-20 00:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm at work.
I work alone, and I live alone.
I'm still waiting for someone to show up singing.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-10-20 00:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
the hell have you been?
----------------------------
Making the world safe for Democracy, you?
Oh, by the way, I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner the other night, Cheryl and thought the stroganoff was marvelous.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-19 23:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:40:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:55:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
GM, off my nuts, dude.
It's getting sad.
_______________
WE REALISE YOU ARE HUNGRY YOU DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO FOOD IN YOUR REVIEWS
WE HAVE NO FOOD HERE, WE ARE SMALL, SIMPLE FOLK. WE CANNOT FEED YOU,
PLEASE LEAVE US IN PEACE WE MEAN YOU NO HARM, WE JUST HAVE NO FOOD SOURCE
TO FEED YOU.
---
FATMOUSE MUST FEED. THIS POST HAS BEEN DESIGNATED FOR BEDDING.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:55:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
GM, off my nuts, dude.
It's getting sad.
_______________
WE REALISE YOU ARE HUNGRY YOU DO NOT NEED TO REFER TO FOOD IN YOUR REVIEWS
WE HAVE NO FOOD HERE, WE ARE SMALL, SIMPLE FOLK. WE CANNOT FEED YOU,
PLEASE LEAVE US IN PEACE WE MEAN YOU NO HARM, WE JUST HAVE NO FOOD SOURCE
TO FEED YOU.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm finishing my coffee.
Calmer than you, dude.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the hell have you been?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GM, off my nuts, dude.
It's getting sad.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good fun.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man we need you around here, what with all the shenanigans and shit posts, and people eating eachother.
YES I'M TALKING TO YOU JGREENING.
WE HAVE NO FOOD OR ANYTHING EDIBLE LEFT.
RETREAT FROM THIS QUADRANT. THERE IS 100% NO FOOD HERE.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha. Anyone can hold together for 20 minutes.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These first two posts are great reading.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-19 21:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...someone who would never come home at 3am, drunk and singing 'Greased Lightning' at the top of their lungs."
Fuck man, I live on my own and I WISH someone would come home with that sort of entertainment.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheese
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can get you a toe
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-19 20:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST. WRITER. EVAR.
Except for JoeyG.