Have You Ever Kicked A Zombie Midget In the Sack? I DID! (656 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by livEvil (View user info) at 2006-10-20 11:08:17 EDT
"I have a dream" a black man once said. I think his name was Martin, but that's besides the point. Last night I DID have a dream. A dream which involved midget zombies, cherry pies, a bat (No! not a bat, a BAT. You know, the kind you swing at midget zombies with), oh and Van Damme.
It all started at my house. I was about to watch a movie and eat some poontang, AHEM, I mean popcorn, with my girlfriend and before I could get to it we were rudely interrupted by what at first appeared to be a normal midget (or vertically challenged regular person, for you sensitive bitches). He didn't come out of the front door, or the back door... the fucker bursted out of the basement. For some reason, I didn't find this occurence odd at all.
After tearing down my basement door, he walked towards me with a blank stare. I said to the midget "What's up dude," like I knew the guy, but he just stared and slowly paced my way. Upon a closer inspection, I realized this was no ordinary midget. No sir, this was a zombie midget. I started to feel a little awkward when all of a sudden, the midget knocked over my lava lamp just because it was in his path. Little did I know, his path was to be a path of mayhem and destruction which I cut short with I kick to the groin.
Do you know how light midget zombies are? I don't know either since they don't exist but in my dream, they were as light as pillows. The little-undead flew across the living room and right through the window. It felt better than any last second winning goal.
Anyways, after kicking the midget in his miniature balls, we darted out the back door only to be met by an army of midgets. They marched towards us like extras in the 'Thriller' video shoot and forced us back in the house. Although terrified of this cartoonish nightmare, I kept my pride and played the hero. I went to the closet and traded my girlfriend in for the only weapon I could think of: my louisville slugger.
The ordeal got my blood rushing and made my nerves more tense than a virgin's first encounter. I immediately ran outside and started knocking heads like whack-a-mole. I found out first hand that dream-zombies are just as slow as movie zombies. I used this to my advantage and ran circles around them making childish faces, all while singing "Can't touch this" by MC Hammer.
It was a great time up until the army of midgets started to multiply exponentially. With the kind of numbers I was facing, my slugger wasn't going to do me any good so I ran back in the house. I snatched my girlfriend from the closet and rushed upstairs. It was a bad clichë, but a great Idea since it was the only one my subconscious mind could conceive.
We exited through a bedroom window and climbed up to the roof. On the rooftop, I was met by Jean Claude Van Damme. An early 90's version of him, at that. I thought "Man, this is my lucky day!" until I remembered that Van damme pussied out to my roof before I even got there.
"SHIT! what do we do now, Van Damme?"
He replied using his best Mike Tyson voice: "I have this ninja wire. We could shoot it across to that bakery on the other side"
"Now you're talking! If we're gonna die, we might as well do it while eating donuts," I said.
"Nooo. You see that truck outside? If we can make it to the other side, I can karate kick the window and get the keys," said Van Damme.
So on we went with the plan. We pulled ourselves all the way across to the other side on a thin metal wire. We were so close we could smell freedom. It was artificial victory we were fighting for but what the hell, your brain can't tell the difference anyways.
Once we made It across, Van Damme delivered. He jump-kicked the window in an unnecessary fashion and proceeded to kick ass while I went in searching for the keys. Inside the building, I saw a piece of heaven with light and smoke emitting from the cracks of the crust. Yup! you guessed it. It was a whole batch of cherry pies fresh out the oven. I didn't bother asking who baked them, I just know they looked delicious.
After devouering my third pie, I spotted a shiny keychain on a table. It was the only keychain (and it was my dream) so it had to be the one I was "looking" for. I tossed it to my girlfriend and told her to make her way to the truck while I took care of some business/ate some more pies. Upon exiting the building she yelled "Van Damme Needs your help!" or some other cheesy comment along those lines.
I thought to myself "Hmmm, what would macgyver do?" and sprung into action. I started grabbing pies and throwing them out the window smacking all kinds of midget zombies in the face. My plan was to divert their attention so they wouldn't eat poor Van Damme. It worked better than I imagined. Did you ever think zombies would like pies? These fuckers do!
I rushed over to grab Van Damme and helped him over to the truck where my girlfriend was eagerly waiting for me. We drove off immediately, knocking over midgets like dominoes.
I thought we were in the clear when my girlfriend, out of nowhere screamed "WATCH THE WATER!!" Damn it, somehow i swerved into the po....
*********************
"HONEY! Watch your bladder!" she said as she woke me up from my drunken slumber. Turns out I had passed out after a long night of drinking and trying to entice my girlfriend into having sloppy sex with me. I got up disoriented and headed straight to the bathroom.
Water, full bladder, or jizz matter?
You be the judge.
User Reviews
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:31:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:19:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:58:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
I noticed that you give out too many -2's.
--------------
When I think It's -2 worthy, I do. I also hand out -1's and 0's every once in a blue moon.
Actually, the only person that gets auto -2 from me is jonnyx just because I like to push his buttons.
------
too bad it doesn't work, but I genuinely appreciate the heat.
When you get as many dipshit alters -2spamming you as I do, you tend not to notice.
be sure and -2 my latest post! I'll be posting on Monday as well, so you'll want to hit that one too.
------------------------
Thanks for the heads up, jonny. I appreciate the love. Hey, have fun spending your weekend looking through old victoria's secret catalogs for your next excuse for a post. I just can't wait to see it!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get busy
GoldPlatedOrange (user info) -18 on 15 = -1.20
KindaNews (user info) -52 on 42 = -1.24
gazdemon (user info) -18 on 14 = -1.29
SilentRenegade (user info) -12 on 9 = -1.33
TheUniter (user info) -28 on 20 = -1.40
Smack_Fuck (user info) -22 on 15 = -1.47
MaximusPadus (user info) -17 on 11 = -1.55
kybernetikum (user info) -36 on 22 = -1.64
HotWillie (user info) -16 on 9 = -1.78
livEvil (user info) -139 on 76 = -1.83
Richard_Whitely (user info) -86 on 47 = -1.83
georgemichael (user info) -30 on 16 = -1.88
Darth_Adwain (user info) -32 on 17 = -1.88
whysenheimer (user info) -70 on 37 = -1.89
cigarr (user info) -29 on 15 = -1.93
briancte (user info) -16 on 8 = -2.00
Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) -16 on 8 = -2.00
ThoreauMe (user info) -24 on 12 = -2.00
Airstream (user info) -24 on 12 = -2.00
Gollman (user info) -34 on 17 = -2.00
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:19:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:58:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
I noticed that you give out too many -2's.
--------------
When I think It's -2 worthy, I do. I also hand out -1's and 0's every once in a blue moon.
Actually, the only person that gets auto -2 from me is jonnyx just because I like to push his buttons.
------
too bad it doesn't work, but I genuinely appreciate the heat.
When you get as many dipshit alters -2spamming you as I do, you tend not to notice.
be sure and -2 my latest post! I'll be posting on Monday as well, so you'll want to hit that one too.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:23:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckle*
---------------
Oathmeal giving me a +2???
Feeling generous today, buddy?
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckle*
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:58:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
I noticed that you give out too many -2's.
--------------
When I think It's -2 worthy, I do. I also hand out -1's and 0's every once in a blue moon.
Actually, the only person that gets auto -2 from me is jonnyx just because I like to push his buttons.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:39:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:37:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a guy? Here I am thinking your name is Olivia.
---
It's a modern world. He has every right to be called Olivia.
-------------------
My friends call me Olive.... Although Yolanda doesn't sound too bad.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I noticed that you give out too many -2's.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Since we are all calling ourselves whatever we want, I want to be called "Divine Ruler of Shitty Fiction."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Though we both know his real name's Yolanda.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:37:02 (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a guy? Here I am thinking your name is Olivia.
---
It's a modern world. He has every right to be called Olivia.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a guy? Here I am thinking your name is Olivia.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good title
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Great story, glad you took the time to write it down...
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did not!