I was almost molested by a fat blob, but I didn't bust in a girl's face (3023 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorLabels: short_stories
Rating: 1.87 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl || ltoloxA (View user info) at 2006-10-20 11:17:23 EDT
This is a tale of steroid-jacked fanatics, fat child molestors, hardcore pornography, a secret right-wing coverup, and of course, Everquest. Always the Everquest.
Names changed to protect the "innocent."
I don't know why perverts are always attracted to me. Nowadays, it doesn't happen much, but back when I was 12 and 13 I was walking prey for child-touchers and freaks. Perhaps my amazing good looks were part of the equation, but whatever the case, I had an inordinate amount of run-ins with would-be molesters.
Case-in-point: my 7th grade gym teacher, Coach Stang. Now this was a weird fucking psychopath of a guy. Huge, massive, red-faced puffball. We called him the Pillow, he looked like a miniature Kirby, or a confused guinea pig.
The year before I got to middle school, he was walking in an assembly when a kid sack-tapped him by accident. Stang let out a roar and punched the kid in the face, in the middle of eight hundred teachers and students. Miraculously, no teachers saw it happen. Stang made a deal that if he didn't tell the kid's parents, the kid wouldn't tell his either.
One day in October of 7th grade, I had detention after school with Mr. Stang. Me and two other 7th graders were sitting in the classroom while Stang, and Stang was describing his masterful coaching in a football game on the weekend.
Stang: You see, boys, Stevens lateraled the ball at the 10-yard-line to score a—boy, are you paying attention?
Me: No sir, I don't really like football that much.
Done. Lights out.
Stang reared up like a buffalo, as if he wanted to tackle me. He slammed the door shut, turned off the lights, and closed the blinds. We were scared as hell as he slammed on my desk, got in my face, and asked me the immortal question, the question that has rung through time through the annals of my school:
"Have you ever busted in a girl's face?"
Stunned silence.
He was gone after that. Fired. Kaput. Out of the school.
I was puzzled, but didn't tell my parents. I eventually got one of those "dirty kids" to tell me what "bust on a girl's face" meant.
I was safe...until that December, right before Christmas.
Our computer teacher, Mr. Cleary, was a prick. He was a fat, jolly Santa Claus figure to everyone else, but in class his only purpose was to make fun of kids. "What the hell are you talking about, kid?" he would ask. "What are you speaking, Retardese?"
He was the kind of fat computer blob that stereotypically played Dungeons and Dragons in his mother's basement and left the house only to go to work. Evidently he took his depression out on us 7th graders, in his usual condescending manner. Oh yeah, and he loved boys. Hated girls. Avid Everquest player, back in the days before Warcraft.
--The stereotype fat blob...
He made fun of me a lot, but I bore it. I kinda ended up liking the guy in spite of his bitchiness. One day I was a half-hour early to school, because my mom had to go to work. I sat down outside my first period class—computer class—and the guy invited me in.
I didn't think anything of it when he locked the door. What a fucker.
I sat down and began messing around on the computer, totally zoned out. It was early in the morning, and I was just typing random words, playing solitaire, just relaxing half-asleep. I started talking to Mr. Cleary, not even thinking of what I was saying.
There was a pause in conversation, and I turned around.
Mr. Cleary was watching hardcore pornography on his computer, leaning back and smiling. And I don't mean some kind of softcore stripping video, this was an anal-insertion buttfuck gutter-slut porno up on this motherfucker's screen, and he was sitting back with a big grin on his face.
I guess he thought that I would, I don't know, sidle up to him and ask "Whatcha watchin'?" in an innocent little-kid sort of way, and he could explain it to me, and he could, I don't know, jack me off or...rape me? Or something. But I was already a bad little boy. And I was confused as hell, and only now realizing what a huge pervert Mr. Cleary was.
"Mr. Cleary, what the hell are you doing?" I asked.
Mr. Cleary jumped three feet in the air, covering the screen and quickly stammering, "Nothing! Nothing! You didn't see anything!"
Yeah, nice try, Cleary. I know what I saw. He tried to distract me by talking about school, but I was outta there. I opened up the door to see my fellow young schoolmates outside the door, where I excitedly told them "Cleary's fuckin' watching porn in class!"
Of course, all the kids smiled and rushed into the room, trying to catch a glimpse of the forbidden images. But nope. Cleary's screen was blank, and he was staring at me in a sweaty, insane sort of way.
Anyway, I told my parents when I got home, and they flipped. Lots of calls to the school were made, and I had a looot of meeting with my principal and the pervert himself. The principal tried to convince me that I had seen a pop-up. Yeah, that's what it was. Principal Coverup tried to insinuate I was a liar and that I had seen a pop-up of a girl in a bikini.
Nice one, President Nixon, I know what I saw.
My parents tried to get the cops involved, but we couldn't fight the coverup. The guy's still teaching there now, and I'm sure to warn kids to stay away. I was glad to see the DAY AFTER this happened, Cleary had a new computer. It was also facing AWAY from the students. And they said this guy was innocent.
The one good thing that came out of it was that for the whole rest of the year, I got away with everything in that class. I never did an ounce of homework for him, and I acted up every day, and he never said a word. Eventually, all my other classmates (who all knew his story) began getting wild, and Cleary couldn't do a goddamn thing.
We were bad in that class. We'd walk in every day insulting Cleary, throwing papers and notebooks out the window, trying to see what was on his computer. One day, whilst informing my classmates of my suspicion that Cleary's scruffy beard was diseased and had lice, he just snapped at me.
Cleary: What the hell are you doing, you little brat? Are you speaking retardese?
Me: At least I don't molest little boys.
And...dead silence. Never got hassled by Cleary once after that.
Now that I remember it...that was one hell of a class. I kinda miss the guy.
Attached is very necessary cool random picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-10-25 16:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
despite filename :(
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-10-23 08:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-21 03:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha jgreening. I took so long to write my lengthy response I see you think I'm ETS, too. I wish I knew how to find when JMG said I was you, but I don't.
Do you have a feud with JMG, by any chance?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-21 03:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-21 02:50:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 23:37:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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You're a dickhead ETS.
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That guy is ETS?
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No. I am just me. If I actually posted, perhaps I would care about ratings, and if I cared about ratings, perhaps I would want another screen name so that I could inflate those ratings or something.
I actually rate pretty honestly. I don't know why that's so frowned upon. I actually come to the site to read, and have as of late also rated. I don't happen to think everything is "kicker of all ass." Most of my ratings are probably 0's or -1's, because, lets be serious, the majority of posts are either worth reading or could be better. A -1 should probably be the most used rating, in my opinion.
But whenever someone doesn't get a +2, I guess the only thing to do is retaliate with a poor rating, or call then an alter.
Since I don't post, the only thing to do is the latter. I guess in this case, poor ETS will be penalized. Sorry, buddy. No offence.
I think Axolotl is an okay writer, but this piece was a +1, in my view. Not meant as a grievous insult to him, certainly. I try to be reasonable, and just rate on the quality. But it's subjective, of course.
The only reason I discuss this here is because JMG accused me of being jgreening about the time someone else said I was ETS, which is funny because they seem to have a feud. I even kind of insulted FilthyAssistant regarding the poor quality of the judging of initial entries of UM, not realizing until later that she was married to ETS. But she seemed good natured about it. Cheers, Filthy.
Plus, I feel kind of sorry for jgreening because he inspires such vitriol, which may be a result of things which happened long before I came onto the scene. Half the time I haven't the faintest what everyone's on about.
I usually try and rate based on the title, and avoid the poster's name if I can, but of course sometimes that's impossible. I would prefer all the posts were blind until you rated, like in UM. It would be a nice experiment. Perhaps it could be optional. If I was a poster and had the option, I would post that way so I would be judged soley on my writing skills. I'm not much for cult of personalty judging. Perhaps that's a bias on my part.
For Axolotl, if you post something I think is "kicker of all ass," I will not hesitate to give you the highest rating. I think one should prize an honest rating above insincere flattery, but that's just me.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-21 03:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-21 02:50:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 23:37:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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You're a dickhead ETS.
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That guy is ETS?
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That's the current assumption.
Vernacular, structure, timing all seem to make the case.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-21 02:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 23:37:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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You're a dickhead ETS.
--------
That guy is ETS?
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2006-10-21 00:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 23:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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You're a dickhead ETS.
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good work.
I am jelous nobody tried to molest me as a kid, I have no good stories.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I pity your "friend".
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're really cute.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly why I avoid creepy middle-aged men. Wait, why am I on uber then?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:16:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Want some candy, little boy?
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I'm willing to exchange deviant sexual favors for aforementioned candy, miss!
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Meet me behind the bleachers after school and I'll bring the M&Ms.
Oh wait, jailbait..... riiiight.. yeah I almost forgot.
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Don't worry, I'll keep the cops out of it. Do you have any puppy dogs or kitty cats I can play with whilst you inappropriately feel me in the bad touch kind of way?
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Want some candy, little boy?
--
I'm willing to exchange deviant sexual favors for aforementioned candy, miss!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meet me behind the bleachers after school and I'll bring the M&Ms.
Oh wait, jailbait..... riiiight.. yeah I almost forgot.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*dies*
Milestone breached.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Axolotl ----> who does?
User id: 19539 -----> barely interesting
Registered on or around: 2005-06-08 17:12:08 ------> worst decision in my life
# Messages posted: 252 -----> mostly shit
# Reviews written: 6876 --------> mostly pointless
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 8177 --------> meaningless
# Hits: 300002 ---------> even more meaningless
Average rating of all messages: 1.39 -----------> on this community, tremendously ephemeral
Nice.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:16:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
whatever you do, don't go into the Congressional page program
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might be almost too late for that. At least I don't live in Florida. At least.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Want some candy, little boy?
--
I'm willing to exchange deviant sexual favors for aforementioned candy, miss!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:49:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a freshman, our typing teacher was the biggest pot dealer in the school.
True story.
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Our ex-teacher was fired for selling coke to students.
And for sleeping with an upperclassman's mom, but that's beside the point.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Want some candy, little boy?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a freshman, our typing teacher was the biggest pot dealer in the school.
True story.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whatever you do, don't go into the Congressional page program
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:55:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
But you never even got molested?
pffff
Loser.
--
No, my preserved myself and did not masturbate a hairy fat blob of a dod-obsessed computer teacher, even though I possessed the adolescent man-juice I know he craved for.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But you never even got molested?
pffff
Loser.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:51:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read.
Amazing picture.
I'm still fighting a hangover.
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Thanks
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read.
Amazing picture.
I'm still fighting a hangover.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:53:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good but later this pm, after I start drinking, I may have to toss a -2 at you...for shits and giggles.
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No problem, dad.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:39:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
this was like two years ago for you... that makes me feel old.
that's fucked up, but this was funny.
cool picture.
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Hey, it was well over four years ago.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:43:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this. Where are you from?
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Some mysterious land called Northeast Coast, USA. True story.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this. Where are you from?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was like two years ago for you... that makes me feel old.
that's fucked up, but this was funny.
cool picture.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Explains alot.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post+funny reviews+cool GIF =+2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good but later this pm, after I start drinking, I may have to toss a -2 at you...for shits and giggles.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:46:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will not fall for such entrapment.
Maybe when you're old enough.
----
http://www.perverted-justice.org
dammit almost had you there
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will not fall for such entrapment.
Maybe when you're old enough.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Orgasmatron,
No, but would you like to be the first?
Love,
Axolotl
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yes, your own face counts.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:29:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:28:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, have you ever busted in a girl's face?
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Why, no, now that you mention it.
The face is too beautiful to jizz upon.
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No face is too good for a touch of janx.
So now I ask the important, and better, question: have you ever busted on a guy's face?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:31:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. "At least I don't molest little boys" is a good comeback. I'll have to remember that one. Never know where it might work.
Best Buy Security: Sir? I'll have to ask you to put those back. I'm afraid you didn't pay for any of those items.
Me: At least I don't molest little boys.
BB Securtity: *embarrassed* Um, carry on.
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It's pretty much an all-occassiona comeback. It implies that the accuser molests, and also absolves you from pedophilia YOURSELF!
Useful.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. "At least I don't molest little boys" is a good comeback. I'll have to remember that one. Never know where it might work.
Best Buy Security: Sir? I'll have to ask you to put those back. I'm afraid you didn't pay for any of those items.
Me: At least I don't molest little boys.
BB Securtity: *embarrassed* Um, carry on.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On a related note, three kids in my school were expelled for an incident where they got high at a dance and ejaculated on another kids face. Somewhat...gay.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:28:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, have you ever busted in a girl's face?
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Why, no, now that you mention it.
The face is too beautiful to jizz upon.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, have you ever busted in a girl's face?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:26:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture is awesome and it moves in time to Pink Floyd's "Money" which just happens to be on the radio now.
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aha for real? in class right now, can't put it on. I know what you're talking about, the clink-clank sounds. Time is better though.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture is awesome and it moves in time to Pink Floyd's "Money" which just happens to be on the radio now.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:19:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt read it yet but awesome gif
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:19:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt read it yet but awesome gif
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thanks, can't remember where I found it. It's almost hypnotic.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt read it yet but awesome gif
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahhaa i have'ntseen that picture in a while. can't stop watching it