I'm converting to Islam. (488 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.63 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Director (View user info) at 2006-10-20 11:49:34 EDT
Having been born and raised in the Bible Belt of the USA (specifically, Texas) i was naturally force-fed the whole "Jesus Saves," line of shit from birth.
Well so fucking far, in 38 years and counting, I've never even SEEN Jesus. Not heard one peep from the old boy. And I SURE as fuck haven't seen him save anybody, dead or alive.
I mean seriously. I wanna shake the dude's hand. Not only will that instantly cure my gout, but it would be nice to congratulate the fellow on somehow surviving that whole crucifixition, spear to the side, crown of thorns deal. I mean, I don't think *I* would have lived through that. I would have wimpered and fainted at the first nail driven through my foot, for Christ's sake.
But I HAVE been noticing Islam creeping it's way into the USA in the last 10 or 15 years or so. I had a black roomate in college (he was kind enough to tell me that since he liked me, he would let me live when the race war began and all the whites were killed. I've always appreciated that).
Anyhoo HE was a Muslim. And I'm telling you something; he got the mad fat white bitches left and right. Dude. *I* want some mad fat white bitches, and so far, my Methodist heritage has not provided me with one single mad fat white bitch.
Also, if I convert to Islam, I'll get to legitimatly hate jews. Now, I've never really hated anybody, but if I'm gonna hate someone, Jews seem like a good place to start, don't you think?
If I convert to Islam, I can stone women to death, I can get FREE hardcore military training (dude! I could be a commando!) and I can screw as many girls as I like, when I like.
I'd have to give up booze and pig, but I don't reckon those things are all that good for you anyway.
Naturally I would have to hate the USA, which would sort of make me a traitor of sorts, but you know, I was a skinny, weak kid and jocks beat me up and girls laughed at me, so DIRKA DIRKA JIHAD on their sorry asses anyway!
Yep. That's it for me. Look for me soon, pointing a shoulder missle launcher at an airplane near you.
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD AND HE IS ALLAH!!
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD AND HE IS ALLAH!
User Reviews
Submitted by Astra (user info) at 2008-05-18 09:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Will you be blowing yourself up too?
We can live in hope I guess.
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My wife left me and i became an alcoholic cunt... someone call me a waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-22 17:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why dont you convert to the 'show me your hole religon'
Submitted by shmack92 (user info) at 2007-09-22 17:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bleah
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-20 22:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79221
Pentameter, where did we go wrong? How did I hurt you so bad? Why did our love fade away? <sobs>
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me crazy, but I saw the humor in several lines here...
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This actually wasn't *that* terrible and you're likely not stupid, but I had to make that quip; it was just too perfect.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I see you've already converted to stupid.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Derka?
Derka Derka Derka.
DERKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only one who got this?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is that ridiculous? He said that he had never seen Jesus so my assumption is that he has, in fact, seen Allah. Although upon further reflection I suppose a more accurate analogy would be Mohammad. So pretend that says, "so you've seen Mohammad"?
and by "Mohammad" I don't mean your big, black cell mate who made you his bitch
(oh damn that sort of thing is supposed to stay on the inside of my head)
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:11:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:56:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
so you've seen Allah?
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Yeah, try picking a religion where you don't have to martyr yourself.
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Ridiculously ignorant comment above.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think a nuclear bomb lodged in your ribs will compliment your turban well.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:54:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
auto anyhoo -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:09:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Cat Stevens?
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He wrote Peace Train. Kill him!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There is only one god, namded allah, and muhommad is his prophet.
Some of my favorite verses,
4-47
O you people of the book! Believe in what we have revealed, confirming what was with you, before We change the face of some of you beyond all recognition.
(convert or we fuck you up)
5-69
O you who believe! take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends and protectors: they are but frineds and protectors to each other. And he amongst you that turns to them for friendship is of them.
(don't be friends with infidels)
9-29
Fight those who do not believe in allah, nor the last day, nor hold that forbidden which has been forbidden by Allah and his messenger, nor acknowledge the Religion of truth, even if they are people of the book (christians, jews), until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued.
(fight infidels, or make them pay a fee to be allowed to live not as a muslim)
This is all from the Abdullah Yusuf Ali translation it is geared towards westerners and goes out of its way to use the friendliest language possible. Othe translations are much more "hardcore".
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:56:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
so you've seen Allah?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, try picking a religion where you don't have to martyr yourself.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cat Stevens?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-20 12:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Good luck with all that.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so you've seen Allah?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
auto anyhoo -2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-20 11:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did this happen in prison??