Death Of A Corporate Whore (941 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: truth
Rating: 1.78 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2006-10-20 13:22:40 EDT
So in a few months, I'm out of a job.
I guess I should be worried but I'm actually rather relieved. I've been here too long already. My extraordinary programming skills have fallen to rot during the five years I've worked here (as in: I couldn't write code to save my life) in my capacity as a half-assed Systems Analyst, and getting up in the morning is getting harder every day.
I just have the same passion for the job as I had in the first couple of hours after I was hired.
Currently, I work for a company that owns and operates around a thousand Funeral Homes and Cemeteries throughout North America, and Puerto Rico. We used to own locations in the UK but we sold them all because all that boiled food makes for stinky dead Limeys.
I work in the corporate offices, which means I don't do anything with dead bodies except when I'm home alone.
I do however; deal with Funeral Home administrators via email and telephone. I also provide operational support for databases with such table names as:
"Pre-need Funeral Sales" - That's right; we sell funerals to people before they die.
"Alternative Burial and Cremation" - Idunno, I think we hire Trent Reznor to do the Eulogy...
AND
"Casket Tracking" - Thank you OnStar.
On occasion, I have to call a location. This is typically not a big deal, but once in awhile I'm rudely reminded of the industry I'm in. Such as the time I got ahold of a location administrator via his cellphone and he answered then said "Can you call me back? I'm up to my elbows in this guy." *Queue bodily fluid sucky machine noises* or the wonderful answering machine options for our environmental safety officer's phone:
"To order a Formaldahyde Kit; Press 2"
Despite the fact that I'm in the "Death Care" industry, I'm pretty much just another corporate wage slave. I dress bidness casual, carry a briefcase, speak in bullshit IT acronysms, and 'Network' with people during lunch.
Once in awhile I get to interview people for positions in the helpdesk or operations teams when their prospective managers get caught up doing other things. Typically I start off with "Soooo... we're in the death care industry... how do you feel about that?" If the applicant laughs, they pretty much got the job. If they laugh and are female... uhh nevermind.
I've been a corporate whore for about 5 years now. I've given this company a full 5% of my attention and effort, so how dare they turn around and sell themselves to their competitor?
Actually, now that I think about it, I am getting worried.
Don't these fuckers understand that I will have to do things like update my resume with even bigger lies than I used to get this job? That takes effort man.
I HATE EFFORT.
I'm going to have to go to interviews and shit. I'm going to have to wear a tie and smile and try real hard not to swear or scratch myself. (I had no idea Formaldahyde could give rashes)
I'll have to take the shit out of my cubicle and put it in a box! I don't even have a box. I don't know where to get a box. Is there a box store somewhere? Do you order them online? Do they cost much? If I start saving now, can I get one on lay-away?
It's this kinda stress that makes people bring shotguns to work.
Luckily, the severance package they are giving me means there's a very good chance I'll be able to drink myself to death before having to do any of the above, but goddamnitalltohell anyway, I might have to do something with my carreer and training which implies more effort. I swear to Jebus, it feels like I'm teetering on the brink of the ninth circle of hell.
I was quite happy stagnating. Stagnation is a beautiful thing! (Unless you're British and dead)
Of all the things I'm going to miss about this place such as passing the buck, blaming other's for my mistakes, and staring at female coworkers until they cry, the thing I'll miss most is Otis.
Otis is a rubber chicken. He's long floppy and yellow and his name is Otis because that is what I wrote across his ass with a felt pen.
Otis has traveled the world. He's been to Hong Kong, London, Biloxi Mississippi, Orlando Florida, Victoria BC, Puerto Rico and Tokyo.
He also screams when you squeeze him.
I love Otis. He's good at stagnating. He just sits on my desk with the same shocked look on his face everyday and slowly gets less yellow and more uhhhh baby food color.
Unfortunately his time has come. He's starting to crack and his scream has lost its youthful charm. He doesn't sound like a rubber chicken anymore so much as Yoko Ono.
I've decided that the last week I'm here, I'm going to make a small entry into our Casket Ordering database and get a custom casket for my best buddy. I'm going to hold a ceremony for him in the flowerbed behind the office.
This will serve to give closer to this chapter in my life and fuck up archeologists well into the future.
At least one of us will find rest.
Goodbye Otis. I'll miss you and I'm sorry for that time I stuck you down the fat girl from accounting's shirt.
You'll always be the little rubber chicken brother I never had.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Otis is now in the happy barnyard in the sky.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-10-21 19:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I sell my soul for $10.13 an hour. The dirt won't come off.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-21 03:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't these fuckers understand that I will have to do things like update my resume with even bigger lies than I used to get this job? That takes effort man.
I HATE EFFORT.
_______________________________________________
I feel your pain! work in a hotel, ask for the 3rd shift. you'll be stagnating with full internet access for as long as you like. it's bliss!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-21 02:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-21 00:34:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
woooo
I got made redundant almost exactly 12 months ago and I never looked back!!!
Woooo
--------
Your company hired another waterhead?
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2006-10-21 02:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just for the rubber chicken!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-21 01:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-21 00:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woooo
I got made redundant almost exactly 12 months ago and I never looked back!!!
Woooo
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I could be around when some alien scientist in a thousand years digs that thing up and thinks we were all rubber chickens.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you must post pics fo the funeral.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD THOSE PENGUINS ARE SO CUTE!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, there are more and more empty cubicles here. The FTC trade shite is supposed to go through any day now. After that, we get three months working notice and then our severance kicks in after that. Our Toronto and Cincy offices get nada except a cold boot to the butt.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend who worked in the tax dept. at Royal Insurance when they were shutting down. They had some kind of severance package that was tied to them staying on until the last returns were filed so she hung out until the bitter end. It was pretty much like you describe, late arrivals, long lunches, early departures. Plus hey fuck it, what are you going to do give me a bad review? She said it got kind of creepy because other departments were shutting down so there were fewer and fewer people in the building.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki,
People are jumping ship left right and center. People come in late and leave early. The sale isn't closed yet (Still gotta get FTC approval) but they have shut down most ongoing projects, which means there's sfa to do. It's a total mess. It's beautiful.
Coyote,
This bidness is only a couple hurricanes away from the GNP of Portugal... I don't know what I just said.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly hope that sometime during your tenure you either heard or got to use the classic line:
"What's the death rate around here?"
"Oh, about one to a person."
(That's the Downeast Maine version of the best line from Blade Runner... "Too bad she won't live... but then again, who does?")
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Otis
we hardly knew ye
RIP
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-10-20 16:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. I'm getting a penguin.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So how's the morale around the place what with the closing down and all?
(insert funeral joke here)
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-20 15:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to walk into your soon to be ex-boss's office wearing a knight's helmet and slam him on the head with the rubber chicken. If he doesn't get the joke, that's his problem.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, go to Archie McPhee, that is THE source when it comes to rubber chickens.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you'll find something.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<DER COMMENT!>
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know sometimes you're sitting around with a coffee and a cigarette and you just need something that's not too taxing and has a satisfying conclusion? Here it is.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead people bounce if you drop them from just the right height.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I work in the corporate offices, which means I don't do anything with dead bodies except when I'm home alone."
Fantastic.
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahahahaha!
Done.
I'll write it and post it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ScarJo - YOU READ IT HERE FIRST, ACCESS HOLLYWOOD...GIVE ME CREDIT IF YOU TAKE THIS NAME AND RUN WITH IT - was just named the Sexiest Woman Alive or something. By Esquire or some other such magazine.
I think she needs to do something humanitarian in nature to offset this "look at me I'm pretty" vibe. Having her create a lifelike replica of her legs and inner region so Otis could be buried there is just the sort of positive headline her career needs right now.
Write a letter, man. She can only say no.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nuh Uh,
No more Corporate shit for me. I'm going to try my luck with a smaller IT House.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When they don't make me groan I cheer.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can just whore yourself out to another "Death Care" industry.
Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and the training will be "hands on".
Think of the stories you will write then Snarky!
Good Luck.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I do however; deal with Funeral Home administrators via email and telephone."
That was painful to read, grammatically speaking.
On another random topic: do you cheer for the Canucks?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your right!
I'm going to bury him between Scarlett Johansen's legs.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be sure to send him off with the memory of something he loved. Perhaps a favorite sports team or an AKC dog breed that he always wanted.
http://www.eternalimage.net/
"For many people, plain is just fine. Vanilla ice cream, generic coffee, basic black, a pine box.
For the rest of us there needs to be more - a form of self-expression that reflects a life well-lived."
Give Otis what he deserves.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
QUIT STEALING MY CAMWHORE SHOTS.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's not the real Otis. The real one looks more shocked.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-10-20 13:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Luck...