Contrary to What Might Be Popular Opinion, Sylvia Plath Isn’t Very Good at Scrabble. (1835 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.98 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2006-10-20 17:34:36 EDT
I sat in the living room, watching SportsCenter and munching ginger snaps, when Sylvia finally came out of her room. It was three o'clock in the afternoon.
"Well look who finally decided to get out of be..." I started to say before I abashedly spun my head away.
"Sylvia... you aren't wearing any clothes."
"I know that!" she cried. "All of my dresses are bile green and I detest them! I threw them out my window last night."
I remembered the episode. She was quite drunk.
"But Sylvia, you can't walk around the apartment without any clothes."
"Why not?" She demanded. "I can do whatever I want. I rise with my red hair and eat men like air."
Being familiar with this particular mood of hers, I shrugged, went into my room, and pulled from my dresser an old pair of navy sweatpants and a T-shirt.
"Will you please put these on? For me?"
"Well... if the female form makes you uncomfortable because of your predisposed bourgeois misogyny, then I SUPPOSE I can comply."
I didn't know what most of these words meant, but I'm used to this by now. At least she was getting dressed. Now... what could I do to improve her mood?
"Hey Sylvia, how about a nice game of Scrabble?"
"Scrabble? What is 'Scrabble'?"
"It's a game. A word game."
She re-entered from the bedroom clothed in my sweats with an distinct air of confidence. "Word game, eh? You know I am a master of words! I won a Pulitzer."
Her demeanor seemed to be brightening so I didn't mention the award was given to her posthumously. Let's keep a good thing going here, right? I started turning over the tiles and began explaining the rules. In the interest of fair play, I let Sylvia go first.
She started the game off with "AUSTERE" on the double word box. 15 points plus the 50 point bonus.
"Amazing!" I said. "You used all of your letters!" Wishing to be supportive and not rile her up even more, I didn't bother mentioning what dumb luck it was to get such a perfect sequence of letters on the first turn. I marked her down for a 64 and mulled over my options, eventually settling to build on her R to form "REBUY".
"Re-buy? Is that even a word? How can you re-buy something?"
Of course I was trying to pull a fast one here; since re-buy, being hyphenated, doesn't count as a word in the official rules of Scrabble. But I wasn't about to let this newbie just blow me out of the water on her first turn; and as it was my word was placed on another double word box with the B falling on a triple letter box, and in this instance was worth a respectable 32 points.
"Of course it's a word. I use it all the time."
"Oh yeah? Well then use it in a sentence."
"Easy. Sylvia threw all of her dresses out the window, so if she sees one of them in a second hand store later, she'll have to RE-BUY it."
"Hmmm... I don't know. I wanna look it up."
"Go ahead, but remember, if you're wrong you'll lose your next turn AND the points you get with it."
"Well..." I knew I had her. "I suppose I'm still winning... allright, I'll let you have it."
I surreptitiously pumped my fist underneath the table in silent triumph.
And so the game progressed without incident, staying fairly competitive, until I hit the mother-fucking jackpot: I was able to spell QINDARKA on a triple word score AND I scored the bonus for using all my tiles for a grand total of 112 points. Amazing.
"Hold on just a minute!" Sylvia exclaimed. "How is THAT a word? There isn't even a U after the Q!"
Little did she know she just fell right into my trap. I had previously memorized all of the words in the dictionary that used Q without its normal subsequent U.
"Well, go ahead and look it up then."
"Fine, I will!" She impetuously leafed through my Official Scrabble Players Dictionary and was aghast by what she found.
"What! Qindarka, noun; an Albanian unit of currency... you bastard! Oh well; I can still win by spelling the wo..."
"Ah, ah, ah!" I interjected. "You lose your turn because you challenged my word! Remember?"
The sheer shock on her face and then the subsequent breakdown into uncontrollable sobbing was indescribable. She flipped the game board over sending tiny wooden projectiles flying to all corners of the room. I had won by forfeit. Sylvia was inconsolable.
"I hate this game! I hate this game and I hate my life! I'm a failure! A FAILURE!!!"
Hoo boy. Exactly what I didn't want, but my overly competitive nature got the best of me this time. "Sylvia, darling, I'm sorry. But it's just a game! It doesn't matter! I know... let's go out and buy you a new wardrobe! My treat! Nothing in green! That'll cheer you up."
She was actually able to regain her composure quicker than I thought. "No, no... I think I just want to alone for a little while. Thank you."
"Allright, I understand." I said agreeably. I knew it would be wise to make myself scarce. "I'm going to hit the pub on the corner and shoot a little stick. You let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks" She said, wiping the tears from her face. "Before you leave, would you mind pre-heating the oven to 350 degrees?"
"What for, my love?"
"I think... I think I'm going to bake a sponge cake."
"No problem at all. I'm sure it will be delicious!" I adjusted the dial before stepping out the door.
Oh boy! She's going to bake a cake!
I like cake.
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-20 05:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-20 00:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-05-05 09:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-19 13:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is still a great read
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-30 13:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-04-19 14:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ovens don't make good hats". <grins like a fool>
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-16 05:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ovens don't make good hats.
-------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHHHA!
This is still one of the best things ever written on Uber
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite posts on Ubersite.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-16 05:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ovens don't make good hats.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-09 17:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2007-02-06 18:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, I know and you're here for the big win. Eh? At least sweet talk me or something.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-04 02:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-03 05:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-12-03 05:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by the_lone_stranger...
...I didn't even know who Sylvia Plath was when I read it.
Now that I know who she is, this shit is way, waaaaaay funnier.
Hooray for cake! -------------
Look I done educated somebody. happy thought on way to grave.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-31 10:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-31 09:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i put this under my 'happypeepeehead' category.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-10-31 01:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit was funny, and I didn't even know who Sylvia Plath was when I read it.
Now that I know who she is, this shit is way, waaaaaay funnier.
Hooray for cake!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-25 21:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-23 08:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-22 21:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:07:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Note I'm not tarded enough to 0 this accidentally.
------
Ahahahaha.
You still owe me some sort of prize, beeltea.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-22 18:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, I thought this was great!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-22 18:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"But when you're in Matlock Bath,
you don't need Sylvia Plath.
Not when you've got,
Mrs. Gibson's jam." - Half Man Half Biscuit.
-Dave
You fucked up my one shot at perfection to quote me lyrics in a shitty song by a crappy band?
Thanks a lot "Dave".
Just kidding I don't really care
Love BLT
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always found sponge cake a bit chewy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-22 17:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Note I'm not tarded enough to 0 this accidentally.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-22 16:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK FUCK FUCK
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-22 16:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Fuck
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-22 16:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-22 16:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"But when you're in Matlock Bath,
you don't need Sylvia Plath.
Not when you've got,
Mrs. Gibson's jam." - Half Man Half Biscuit.
-Dave
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-22 16:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-22 12:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking.
Genius.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-10-21 18:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-21 14:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fab
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-21 13:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ha ha stagger. You don't get shit.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-21 11:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went through the trouble of signing in just to rate this.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-21 09:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I liked this very much.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-21 08:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sequence of scrabble turns is impossible.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-21 00:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-10-20 22:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't sure before but now I am.
I like you.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-10-20 20:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am undefeated in Scrabble for something like 20 something years. and watching Porco Rosso - but that's not really a game, yet still I remain it's master.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-20 20:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My undying admiration and respect for the first person who catches that the sequence of scrabble turns is impossible.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I surreptitiously pumped my fist underneath the table in silent triumph. "
_______________-
A man walks into a bar and asks a pretty waitress for a double entendre.
So she gives him one.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking great. Any more posts like this?
Links! Links!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:57:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like cake too!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
clever.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sufficiently random and +2worthy
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I soooooo hope someone will get the end line.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved it
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-20 18:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I think... I think I'm going to bake a sponge cake."
"No problem at all. I'm sure it will be delicious!" I adjusted the dial before stepping out the door.
Oh boy! She's going to bake a cake!
I like cake.
====
AAAAAAAAHAHAHHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like cake too!
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man that was good.
Submitted by matchoo (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking genius. Thats all I can say.
Beeeeeuuuuuutiful
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2006-10-20 17:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you