Mother Nature Owns My Ass, or, How A Big Fucking Turtle Bitch Slapped Me Into Submission. (710 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.27 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Director (View user info) at 2006-10-22 22:40:06 EDT
I used to work on a Nursery (trees, flowers, shrubs and shit, not babies. Fuck babies. Babies suck). It was a hard labor job, in the state of Michigan. I'm not sure if that's a blessing or not, because the weather here goes from one extreme to another. Hot summers, freezing winters.
Whatever. My particular nursery was in the countryside not far from Ann Arbor. In the spring, summer and fall seasons we saw all kinds of wildlife daily. Ducks. Geese. Snakes. Deer. Even a badger once. Chipmunks. Moles. You name it; if it was local to southern Michigan, I saw it.
On my nursery there were 3 man-made ponds used for irrigation. Naturally those ponds also served as sanctuary for all kinds of waterfowl and amphibious creatures, including turtles. Fortunatly there aren't many posionous creatures in Michigan so I was never fearful of anything.
One day in the late spring/early summer I was leaving for the day when I spied a really big snapping turtle sitting there between my car and another one. His shell was cracked and he looked like he'd had a really rough time of it.
I've never been a killer. I don't hunt, and I even feel bad when I kill a spider. So naturally I felt bad for this creature and wanted to do what I could to make his life easier. Being in the parking area he was a long way away from the nearest irrigation pond, so myself and another guy decided to take it to the nearest pond and set it at the bank. He could then eat insects or swim in, or whatever he wanted to do.
I don't know what the fuck turtles do. Do you?
So I scooped him up in a big shovel used for cementing and we started our merry way down to the pond.
We were talking as we walked and I didn't pay much attention to the turtle, but he started crawling towards the edge of the shovel, and he tipped my balance of it over, and promptly fell off.
Well fuck. That made me feel bad. He fell a good three feet and hit pavement. Couldn't have felt good. Since we were at this point very close to the pond I figured I'd just carefully pick him up and hurry down to the shore of the pond.
So being a genius, I grabbed both edges of his shell and held him out at arms length. He stayed hidden inside so again, I lost my caution and began talking to my co-worker again. As we were walking the turtle also regained his courage. Because he was very heavy I had loosened my completly outstretched arms and bent my elbows a little.
Suddenly, with my head turned toward my companion, the turtle reached out and popped me on the face, very hard. I never saw it coming. I was stunned and simply stopped in my tracks, wondering what. the. fuck. just. hit. me?!?
This time I saw it coming but again it was amazingly fast for a turtle and again, POW! right on the cheek.
I shrieked like a girl and dropped the turtle, and immediatly fell down the bank and into the pond, which, by the way, was covered in green scum. I sputtered and panicked under the murky, freezing water, (fully dressed) and frantically crawled my way onto the bank.
Mother Nature rules.
This story has no value whatsoever. Please be on your way.
User Reviews
Submitted by Astra (user info) at 2008-05-18 09:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Intelligence not your strong point I guess.
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-13 08:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My wife left me and i became an alcoholic cunt... someone call me a waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance!!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-23 14:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-17 03:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is cool. And look how fucking hot I am. SHeesh. I'm a god.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-23 11:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the most magnificent post ever posted. Ever.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-23 09:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TURTLE POWER!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-23 09:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-10-23 09:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beeb is right. A big snapper will FUCK YOUR CHIT RIGHT UP, MAN.
I have personally seen a large snapping turtle rip the front axel off of a 1976 Buick Skylark just because it "didn't like that car in that color." (powder blue.)
Honest injun.
Submitted by exposed (user info) at 2006-10-23 08:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell bart to unban sicosemen.
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2006-10-23 08:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snapping turtle is quite possibly one of the most awesome meats you could ever eat. Too bad you have to risk painful death in dealing with them.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-23 08:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-23 06:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-23 02:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know what the fuck turtles do. Do you?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-10-23 02:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-22 23:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to have a pet snapping turtle.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-22 23:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you would have given him pizza, he would have called his pals Donatello, Raphael, & Michaelangelo out of the pond.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-10-22 23:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the word DANGFEROUS. That rocks Habeeb.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-10-22 23:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TURTLES CAN BE DANGFEROUS
THAT IS ALL
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My old chemistry teacher was once on the beach with a bunch of co-workers at night cause they had found a nest of turtle eggs. Well as he is walking back towards the sight of the nest, one of the people he was with was sitting on a sand dune, when all of a sudden the mother turtle comes crawling over the edge. If it weren't for the screams of her co-workers, the poor lady would have been crushed by the gigantic sea turtle that went tumbling down the dune.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One peed on me once, then I let it go.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-22 22:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha pussy.