Shocking Predictions for Normal People (1086 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.37 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shitfuck (View user info) at 2006-10-23 15:24:09 EDT
Five minutes from now a man named Bill will spill his coffee. He won't be laughing about it, but the lady across from him--I think her name is Jen--will be as she levels a wicked awesome rubber band gun at his ass and fires ruthlessly.
This man will go home with a stain on his pants and a sore ass. His wife will not be impressed.
***
Deep in the thick jungle of Ajaberingha, Southeast North Mexico, a famed archeologist is digging up some ruins, he will get a splinter in his left hand and lament not being able to stroke off later that evening. Instead, he will use sign language to convince a friendly chimpanzee to stroke it off for him.
The chimp has no complaints. But the man will accuse the primate of being 'too rough'.
***
A blue Mazda somewhere in Texas is driving past an Indian restaurant when one of the patrons inside the establishment bites his tongue accidentally, the shock of which causes him to swing his right hand and accidentally stab his cousin/live in lover right in the ear with a fork.
The driver of the Mazda has the window down and is smoking a cheap cigar.
When he is finished with it, he will realize he is gay.
***
A construction worker in Winnipeg is on his coffee break. As he pats himself down searching for his lighter in the mess of work coverall pockets--he looks down and notices his work boot is untied.
He will not tie it up as is required by his union.
***
On the dark side of the moon a miniature sized race of invisible aliens are planning their take over of the bright side of the moon.
Soon one of the senior aliens will walk in with a marijuana cigarette.
The take over will be put off until the next millennium.
***
185 feet to the left of this computer there is a homeless woman looking for bottles in the street. In two seconds she will find one--after it hits her in the face and she hears me scream 'go get a fucking job you slacker'.
She will receive five cents and a headache for the empty bottle of whiskey I hurl at her in an unfriendly way.
***
In an Australian bathroom, just west of the most easternly point, a famous mathematician is pondering the in's and out's of addition.
In doing so he forgets to do up his pants and walks out into a crowd of tourists enthralled at the sheer 'eastness' of the most easternly area of Australia.
A Chinese woman will notice his wanger and dream of getting some from her 92 year old husband.
***
On day time TV there is a boy named Sue, he will talk about how he tracked down the father that abandoned him and proceeded to kick in his eyebrows.
The crowd will burst into applause as he admits he has accepted his unusual name.
There are no gifts for the studio audience.
***
Five miles off the Alaskan coast a cruise ship is entering a port. The Captain of the ship is busy pressing his best uniform to see off his guests.
A young girl, around the age of nine, will sneeze into her right hand minutes before meeting the Captain at the ramp.
He will not contract her cold and the universe will continue exactly as it should all around him.
***
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-11-01 19:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheese factory.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-10-24 11:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-10-24 07:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
somewhere, i shove my foot up your ass you fag
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-10-24 04:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://trivialpsychic.ytmnd.com/
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-24 03:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why I thought this was so funny, but it was. I do think you sort of ran out of material, but still quite good...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-10-24 01:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:29:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
Too 'arty'.
----
the problem is, is that it isnt 'arty' at all. its jsut the same contrived circumstance written over and over again.
its ok, but not as good as some of these people think.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-10-24 01:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-10-24 00:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-23 22:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-23 20:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck the Oilers ...how 'bout them Sharks?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I won't resist stabby, in fact I'm sure we'll be having a coffee together talking about last nights Oilers game and how much ass our team is going to kick this year.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And a user by the name of shitfuck will have his apartment raided by the mounties. He will resist and be beaten mercilessly.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really funny .
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I became a fan when the US government put you on "the list".
But this is good shit.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freddy fresh
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:51:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
______
At 9am during the taping of the 700 club, Pat Robertson advocates the murder of the democratically elected leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, on national television. The matter is not spoken of again.
At the same time, a young man's balls are in the hands of an airport security officer in Vancouver as a result of comments posted on a moderately popular internet message board.
=======
PLUS FUCKIN TWO FOR THAT COMMENT RIGHT THERE
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not arty enough.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-23 16:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A construction worker in Winnipeg...
---
You had your +2 RIGHT THERE, buddy.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-23 16:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitfuck, are you by any chance a fan of Douglas Coupland?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-23 16:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great idea for a post.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-10-23 16:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-23 16:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POW BITCHES! (reloads rubber band gatlin gun)
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
______
At 9am during the taping of the 700 club, Pat Robertson advocates the murder of the democratically elected leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, on national television. The matter is not spoken of again.
At the same time, a young man's balls are in the hands of an airport security officer in Vancouver as a result of comments posted on a moderately popular internet message board.
______
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Speckles (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"eno sulp" etorw evah dluohs i, ho
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. Groundbreaking.
Why?
Because I just spilled my coffee and was shot in the ass with a rubber band by a co-worker.
You're right, my wife will not be happy with the stain.
Unbelievablilitygenous says I.
Submitted by Speckles (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
elims em edam, sulp eno
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too "arty".
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:42:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark!!! Dude. I don't know why I didn't think about that!
I'm a fucker.
=============
That's a beer you owe me man. Stay un-dissapeared until then.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark!!! Dude. I don't know why I didn't think about that!
I'm a fucker.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
and just within seconds after this post
poof!
a -2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:39:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Approximately two minutes after clicking on the link to this post, a bored young adult male decides to drop a rating of zero based on its content.
Somewhere in a distant city, the author of the post shrieks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Replace 'shrieks' with 'laughs outloud'.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-23 14:23:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Rob Berg came up with a fantastical word the other night when he and I were enjoying a few rye and cokes at a very trendy yet undertoned Vancouver watering hole. "
!!! FUCKERS!
Couple of goddamned assholes.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm jealous that I didn't write this.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Approximately two minutes after clicking on the link to this post, a bored young adult male decides to drop a rating of zero based on its content.
Somewhere in a distant city, the author of the post shrieks.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
he he - drunk, or high?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too 'arty'.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Simply, brilliant.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, I didn't even read it, but now I just did. Fucking AMAZING.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-23 15:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moist vagina, and then she blew him like he's never been blown, brains stuck all over the wall. BOOM!!!