The Last Great Mistake of Shitfuck (1119 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2006-10-23 17:45:15 EDT
Somewhere between the dry humorless aftertaste of he rice cake and the ache between her legs from the previous evening's activities, Jen Reiser found the energy to pull the latest run sheet from the secured email box marked 'Prospectives'.
She double clicked the file then checked it quickly for any obvious corruption of format or data - as she'd been trained - before deleting an inappropriately placed set of double quotes, re-saving the file (tab delimited) and forwarding it to the class 2 Data Analyst bin.
Ten minutes later she received a call from her boyfriend and stayed on the line with him until well past her morning break while the sound of his voice made her average size breasts heave within the confines of her navy blue suit jacket.
Paul Phillips did his best not to slam down his phone, then took a sip of cold coffee and shot a conspiratory wink to the girl in the cubicle across from him, in an attempt to cover his rage for something at least a bit cooler, or so he hoped.
He'd had his eye on Jen for some time and didn't want to ruin his chances with her due to a momentary lapse of emotional control. His chances were good, he could tell. They hadn't talked much but she always met his glances with a smile and always got the profile batch files to him early and they were always clean. Sure as the glasses on his thin face, he appreciated a woman with an eye for detail.
He watched carefully out of the corner of his eye as she shot a quick smile in response to the wink he'd sent her, before continuing to giggle with her girlfriend on the phone.
He cheeks were flushed as she glanced back at him nervously again and she seemed to be breathing heavy. If he didn't know better, he could have sworn she had become aroused.
Paul gave himself a mental pat on the back and then let his mind wander to the possibilities lying hidden beneath her simple blue work suit for a blissful moment before turning it towards the task at hand. His boss had just told him - in her typically soulless harpy fashion - that all the batch files from the last scan would have to be processed before end of day or they would need him to come in on Saturday.
He couldn't come in Saturday. He didn't do Saturdays. He'd told her than a million times but the old bitch kept threatening.
He grunted, sat up, then defiantly opened the level 2 secure email bin marked 'QA Prospectives' and opened the newest of the 40 batch files sent to him within the last hour by the class 1 Analysts working under him.
The file had been sent by Jen and it was clean as usual. It was a simple text file; each line started with the IP address that the Profile Scanner had resolved from the original source, followed by the name of the website owner, server provider information, document address, and 'suspect phrase' such as the one which stood out in the very first line: "Kill George Bush'.
For a second the name on the paper faded out to be replaced with his bosses name before returning to the usual black inked monotony.
Paul turned to his keyboard, typed in the website address, and then copied the text contents into another file before loading it into the threat analysis software.
Less than a second later, a report filled his screen with its cold black and white glare:
=====================
WEBTHREAT Ver 2.30001
=====================
TARGET ARTICLE: KILL GEORGE BUSH
ADDRESS: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83750
PRESS ENTER FOR AUTHOR PROFILE...
Paul pressed ENTER as he had a thousand times before and would a thousand times again. The screen went momentarily blank then pulled up the subject profile.
========================================
AUTHOR: SHITFUCK
NATIONALITY: CANADIAN
POLITICAL KNOWLEDGE : 7
INTELLECT : Higher than average.
THREAT TYPE: POLITICAL DISSENT - VIOLENT MESSAGE
THREAT RATING: MODERATE - Please pass to level 3 filtering.
*Note: This report is confidential. DO NOT DISCUSS its contents with anyone who does not have a security clearance above class 4.
PRESS ENTER FOR PAGE 2.
=======================
Paul yawned and pressed the 'escape' button, to shut down the program, then pulled up the feed file once again, placed the curser at the end of the line with the information he'd just scanned and pressed X on the keyboard.
Somewhere deep in the bowels of the building, a machine that bore no interest in Jen, Paul or the ridiculous workings of the human mind, set aside a string of 1's and 0's, rearranged them to properly define the information regarding the author 'SHITFUCK' and then sent all five levels of processing and reviews in summary form to the first clear spot in the Secret Services field agent email job distribution bin.
Some time after, two secret service agents knocked on the door of a young mans apartment. They greeted his stunned look with government issued professionalism, entered the apartment and - after verifying it was clear of threats, weapons, or peoples of dubious nationality, questioned the occupant before leaving with several data files regarding the website he ran.
The files were reviewed and measured against the profile created by WEBTHREAT Ver 2.30001 and the 'Threat Status' of the profile 'SHITFUCK' was immediately upgraded from moderate to moderate-high before being flagged for 'Immediate consultation with foreign authorities."
Several weeks later, while a man named Paul made love to his wife while dreaming of a girl named Jen, a young man from Edmonton Alberta Canada sat in a trendy yet undertoned drinking establishment in Vancouver B.C. and related the frightening story of his visit with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer who had called him to discuss the nature of a post he had put up on a US based website months earlier. He sat with a friend who he had met through the same website and washed his story down with rye and coke. They talked about the state of democracy while the alcohol burned warmly in their bellies and strong words filled the space between them just as warmly, as strong words often do between people of similar ideals.
The young man from Edmonton had blonde hair, and a rather large penis with a bright red head and he talked of governments and God and where he would like to stick both; completely unaware that there was indeed a God, and that he had just assigned the young man from Edmonton to hell for not inviting his messenger Snark for a drink as well.
In the end, when it was all said and done, George Bush would live and the young man from Edmonton would continue with his life under the watchful eye of WEBTHREAT Ver 2.3001... never aware that his downfall did not lie in words spoken truthful and strong but that doom lay in forgetting to invite Snark for a drink.
Remember this people. Remember it well if you should ever stray into the darkness of the Canadian West Coast.
There is a price to pay for crossing into this place. There are evils greater than those who sit in offices oval. There are things unsaid that are more dangerous than the phrase "KILL GEORGE BUSH."
Whatever you do, never forget the last fatal mistake of the young man from Edmonton.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-09-16 02:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-30 22:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-09 19:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!
I don't know how I missed this. Awesome.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I must have missed this while I was away. So THIS is how it happened.
My feeble mind cannot begin to wrap itself around the possibility of passing up a drink with Snark.
Snark knows things. I can tell.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-26 13:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
weird...
Submitted by BlueEagle (user info) at 2006-10-24 09:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet story. So true, too.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-10-24 09:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bro, this makes the whole Stabkill thing worthwhile. Awesome.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-24 08:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahaha.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-23 23:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:06:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
WEBTHREAT sounds like a great name for a band.
First single: Fuck Your Internets.
====================
hahaha
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What???
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-23 19:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEBTHREAT sounds like a great name for a band.
First single: Fuck Your Internets.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Was stevie there?
Submitted by Speckles (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS SUCKED IVE READ BETTER ON A CERAL BOX
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brdn_Nkd,
I think you're on the bullet train to heck to Foo.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
jonny, please press the key to the left of "A". You seem to have pressed it at some point in the past, most likely when you were going for "shift", and since then everything you've written has been in caps.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-23 18:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-23 17:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU MEAN...ROB_BERG WORKS FOR THE CIA???????? OH NOES!!!!111111111