Trenchcoat (1065 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.28 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-10-24 12:00:27 EDT
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Entry 1
The door swung open with a jingle at Bob's Corner Deli. Since Bob didn't see the person coming in over the level of the countertop from his sitting position, it meant one of two things. Either it was one of the neighborhood kids, or Silvio LaRossa was coming to collect the monthly "community protection" fee. Taking a cue from modern politics, even the mafia was putting a spin on its operations."Hello Roberto."
Bob stood up and looked down into the face of a grown man. Uncommon in many ways amongst little people, Silvio had endured most of the same disadvantages, but he also enjoyed the advantages of growing up in a connected family. At 4'1", plus 3/4 of an inch if you ask him, he stood at a height slightly taller than the average little person. He also had a deeper tone to his voice. Predisposed to a higher pitch, he had unintentionally conditioned his vocal chords from youth to sound more like a grown man with authority, not unlike some modern day businesswomen. Being the son of the Don, Silvio had perhaps the most severe case of Napoleon complex in the history of mankind. He even wore a regular sized trenchcoat that dragged behind him when he walked like a wedding gown. It was truly the symbol of how he saw himself.
"Only my ma calls me by my Italian name. I tell you that every month," Bob said as he reached into his cash register, handing Silvio a bulky envelope.
But Silvio was never one to skip formalities, "And I still call you Roberto every month. It's like I have to remind you that you're Italian for fuck's sake. I do this also, 'BOB', to remind you that we don't charge you as much because of the fact. You should see what we charge those towelheads up the block."
"Hey let me ask you something," Bob decided to get bold with Silvio for the first time ever, "is it true that your family hired a PR firm to help with your neighborhood image?"
Silvio was busy flipping through the envelope, "What? What the fuck do you mean by that? And what the fuck is this?" Silvio quickly switched the subject to the insufficient funds in the envelope.
"It's been a slow month," Bob almost whined.
"It's been a slow-," Silvio started to yell but then stopped, muttering to himself, "this fucking guy," in the direction of the candy bar rack. "Get over here! Come around that fucking counter and stand right here," Silvio regained focus.
Bob slowly obeyed.
"Now kneel down," Silvio demanded.
Again, Bob acquiesced. As soon as Bob's knee touched the ground, Silvio slapped him with a hard right hand and followed it with a backhand, reddening both sides of Bob's face. "You think we don't know about your gambling habits? You owe double next month, or I'll cut your fucking Achilles' tendon. Tell me you understand!"
"I understand."
Silvio built his reputation on cutting Achilles' tendons. "And as for this shit about a PR firm, I'm not saying we did or didn't, but what the fuck business is that of yours," Silvio didn't deny the fact.
"I understand."
With that Silvio opened the door to leave. In the rush of adrenaline, he forgot to pull his trenchcoat away, and it jerked him backward when it caught in the closing door.
Silvio got up in a huff and looked furiously at Bob, who was still kneeling in that position. Bob let out the slightest snicker before he put his head down, so Silvio couldn't see his smile through the glass door. Bob thought of all the money he had had to pay the LaRossa family. All the red cheeks, all the threats and disrespect, and weighed it against seeing bits of entertainment like that every month.
It was almost worth it.
- VS -
Entry 2
I left my job a few months ago and got a place in the city. Working in an office nine to five every day, coffee pots and water coolers aren't my thing, but it sure is a nice way to make rent. Still, it's a lot of stress and not enough action, and I'm just looking for something else to do.Standing in the rain with a bloody knife taking the fall on a murder rap for some dame in a trenchcoat wasn't what I had in mind.
She started working in marketing a few weeks ago. I had no reason to talk to her, but I couldn't stay away. She was gorgeous, the kind of girl with legs that go all the way up. I started walking by her desk on the way to the bathroom, but I was going out of my way a bit because the shortest path would have been to walk through the door by the printer.
I had my eye on her but had never talked to her until
"Hey!"
I looked around. She had to be talking to me because there wasn't anyone else there.
"Hey" I said back to her not sure what to say next.
"Do you know how I can make this print to the back printer?"
That was the printer near my desk.
"Yeah, sure, it's on the network in the shared printers area on the department drive."
Her look told me that she knew what the words meant but didn't understand the sentence.
"Let me show you... can I use your chair."
She stood up so that I could sit down. Holy mother of god, I'd never been this close to her ass. This is the kind of girl that could start a war and she's going to think of me as the guy who fucks with the office printer.
"You go to the network neighborhood... here... this folder... and... that should do it. Let's give it a quick test. What were you trying to print?"
"Oh don't worry about..."
Before she answered I Alt-Tabbed back to her previous window. It was a picture. To be more specific, it was a picture of her. To be even more specific, it was a picture of her whole body, bare legs, bare breasts, body turned to the side with her head turned towards the camera and her long brown hair hanging over her shoulder.
"Holy." I couldn't think of any next word. I stared at her screen for what seemed like the entirety of my pubescent years. I became a thirteen year old boy looking at my father's dirty magazines again, only this time my pants were still on and the model was standing over my shoulder.
"Let me just get that off the screen," she said as she reached over me to her keyboard and toggled back to her Outlook inbox, covering the picture from anyone who might walk by.
"I'm, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"No, no, don't apologize, it was my fault, I should have closed that picture before I grabbed you." She set her hand on my shoulder. "I really wasn't thinking, I was just getting frustrated trying to get the printer working. This is embarassing... I had a friend take those pictures..."
There were more?
"... and I wanted to print them out on this paper," she held up an envelope of 8 1/2" x 11" glossy photo paper, "for a modeling try out I'm going to after work today. I was going to use the back printer so that nobody noticed what I was doing, but so much for that plan."
"I'm sorry. Look, I won't tell anybody. I don't care what you print out - I'm not the printer police." She laughed a little. "Besides, it's refreshing to see someone around here who wants to do something meaningful with their life outside of this place. What kind of a modeling gig is it?"
We started talking. We talked for maybe fifteen minutes and shared our first formal introduction.
"Anyway, I guess I should get back to work. I've got to get a couple things finished before I head out for the audition."
"Ok... funny, I don't even know your name."
"Kelly."
"I'm Rick. It was nice talking to you, Kelly."
"It was nice talking to you, Rick."
And with that, a shiver ran down my back. This was good.
We started talking more at work. I asked her out for a drink. She said yes. We started going out every few days or so, more as coworkers than anything else, but I was still looking for the anything else.
See, Kelly was the kind of dame that, to put it lightly, made you remember that you were a man. All of the watered down politically correct happy corporate mumbo jumbo talk that turns all the black and white into a boring shade of gray... that all goes away. The sound of the television gets drowned out and arguments about federal import/export policies disappear as your thoughts turn to the Animal Planet instinct inside that's kept the gene pool propagating for the past million years.
I was reborn every time I saw her. It was all I could do to cover up the sounds of my racing heart and quickened breathing. She knew it too. I could tell she knew it, but she maintained her coworker front, albeit a flirtatious one. All she had to do was ask a question and whatever it was, my answer would be yes. She knew that too.
One day at work, I walked the long way to the bathroom past Kelly's desk and she wasn't there. She wasn't there the next day either and she wasn't there the day after that. I tried calling her, but there was no answer.
On Thursday night, my phone rang. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?"
"Rick, it's me Kelly." She was crying.
"Kelly? Where have you been? Are you ok?"
"Can you come meet with me?"
"Yes, yes, where are you?"
"I'm at Murphy's on Green Street."
"Is everything ok?"
"I'll explain everything when you get here. Please hurry, it's raining."
Darling? She had never called me darling before. Of course I went to meet her at Murphy's and by the time I had gotten there she was standing outside.
"Kelly! Are you alright? What's wrong?"
She wrapped her arms around my chest. Her tears started again.
"What is it?"
"It's Michael. He's going to kill me."
Michael? Who was Michael?
"Who's Michael and why is he going to kill you?"
"Michael is my boyfriend."
Boyfriend?
"You have a boyfriend?"
"No, he's not really my boyfriend, but he was, and he thinks he still is, and he went crazy, and I tried to get away from him, but now he's found me again. He'll kill me. He'll really kill me. I had to get a restraining order and I had to move here in secret. I... I don't know what to do."
"I'll protect you. I don't know anything about this man, but I know that as long as I'm around, nobody is going to hurt you."
"Rick, I don't want you to get involved. I have to handle this myself."
"No you don't, and besides I'm already involved. If he knows about us, that means he knows about me, so I'm in as much danger as you are."
Kelly paused and then looked at me.
"You can still get out of this."
"I don't want to get out. I want to help you. I want to be with you. You called me for a reason and that was because you were afraid. Come with me, stay the night, and we'll take care of all of this tomorrow."
"Thank you Rick, but I should just go home. I'm pretty stressed out by all this and I need to relax."
"Ok, then I'll spend the night at your place. I'll sleep on the couch."
"You can go home tonight. Michael doesn't know where I live, so I'll be ok there for now. You and I can see each other tomorrow."
I didn't go to work on Friday. I didn't even call in sick. It was raining heavily, so I could always use the car trouble excuse if I got pressed for a reason on Monday.
Kelly had told me that she was going to run out and pick up some things. I didn't even know where she lived. I tried calling her to see if she was ok, but there was no answer.
I started to prepare myself for whatever I would need to do to defend myself against a crazy jealous ex-boyfriend. I wasn't quite ready to go saw off a shotgun, but I put a baseball bat next to my couch and made sure I knew where the knives were put away. I also remembered that I still had my hunting knife in the back seat of my car from the last time I went camping.
Kelly called me around noon and asked me to pick her up at the corner of 4th and Green. She didn't have much with her other than a small bag in one hand, an umbrella in the other, and the trenchcoat she was wearing.
"Thanks for picking me up."
"No problem at all. Where are your things? I thought you were going to pick up some stuff?"
"Rick, I have an idea. I think I know how I can get Michael to leave me alone."
"What? How?"
"I can't go into a lot of detail, but can you drive me to 31st and Sacramento tonight? I talked to him on the phone today and I agreed to meet him there. I think that I can calm him down, but I need you to be there in case things get out of hand."
"Of course I'll be there. Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Yes, I think this is the only way."
Kelly and I spent the day together talking about what had happened between she and Michael. He sounded like a mildly violent drunk who couldn't handle a break up, became obsessed, and turned into your ordinary every day stalker. Calling, driving by the house, stopping by work, and harassing her to the point that she had to change her number, get a new job, and move to a different city in hopes of avoiding him.
Her plan was to go meet with him and try to talk to him into leaving her alone. She thought that if he could see that she was really no longer interested in him, that he would stop thinking there was a chance he could get her back. I thought this was the worst idea I'd ever heard, so I just made sure I knew where the hunting knife was in case things got ugly.
9:00 pm rolled around and we drove to meet with Michael. I didn't realize how empty this part of town was at night, but I was starting to think that this was a really bad idea. Apparently we were meeting him at a restaurant, but when we got there, the restaurant was boarded up and looked like it had been out of business for years. There was nobody around and this suddenly seemed like we were being setup.
"We should get out of here. This isn't safe." I said.
"Rick, I'm sure he'll be here. You don't understand how crazy he is. If I don't show up, there's no telling what he'll do."
"Are you kidding me? There's nobody around here. He's not going to be..."
"Wait! There he is!"
Kelly pointed to a guy standing in the rain by himself in the abandoned parking lot of this restaurant. This was a horrible idea.
"Pull into the lot, but don't get too close. I'll go talk to him and if things get ugly, you come over and help."
"Kelly, please, please, please be careful."
"I will. Just keep an eye out for me."
Kelly got out of the car and walked over to Michael. They exchanged what looked to be somewhat pleasant words. As pleasant as words can be in the rain at night in an abandoned restaurant parking lot.
They talked and then I saw Kelly point over to the car. I heard Michael say, a little muffled, something about "Who's that guy?". I grabbed the hunting knife and held it in my hand, out of sight from the people outside.
The conversation grew more heated, turning to yelling, at which point I took the hunting knife and got out of the car. I held the knife in my hand at my side and started walking towards Kelly and Michael.
That's when things got ugly. He yelled something and then tried to grab her and she fell to the ground.
Immediately, I ran towards them, knife in hand. Michael looked at me and said "Mother fucker!" and began to reach into the inside of his coat to pull out a gun.
That Animal Planet instinct returned. In one flashing moment, my heart was racing, my breaths came quicker, I saw Kelly lying on the ground, and seeing Michael reaching for something inside his coat, I knew I had to act quickly...
and I stabbed him.
I stabbed him right in the top of his stomach, just under his ribs, with an upward jab of the knife. His motion stopped. My heart still racing, I pushed the knife up and in harder just to make sure. When I was sure that he was dead, I pulled the knife out and stared at the blood on my hands, knowing that something wasn't right.
I heard a police siren in the distance. A few minutes late if you ask me.
I looked down at Kelly, just getting up from her seat on the broken asphault and asked, "Are you ok?"
She stood up shocked with tears in her eyes. "Rick! Yes! I'm ok. For once in my life, I am really ok. I'm sorry Rick, I'm sorry you had to do this. Thank you! Thank you for protecting me!"
"Kelly, I would do anything for you. I... I love you."
"You... love me? Rick, I'm sorry, but I don't date coworkers."
Entry 1:
apollo88
august_sobriquet
BadAssJulie
Ballare
BLITZKREIG_BOB
Bubba2341
Coleslaw_Murphy
coley
Coyote
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
ghola
Hirilnara
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
JonnyX
Magicaddict
nrduncan
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
redskieslookfake
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
sparkle_pink
thedominator
24 eligible votes (25 total) *
Entry 2:
Allyson
Amontillado
bart
Bigmike
BlueEagle
CaptainThorns
Chillax
Confuzitron
Crystle
Davros
Dirtbird
domenad
gravitas
HotWillie
hour_man
Impassive-Digressive
JoeyG
Luckystar
MandaPanda
nyxmar
orph
rad1101
SPECIALk
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
supadupapupa
WingedFoote
24 eligible votes (27 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-10-27 22:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 is a short strange little vignette that didn't seem to have much of a place in the world. Cudos for featuring a midget mob enforcer and somehow keeping it out of the realm of comedy.
Entry 2 was well written until about half way through but then things like this started to happen:
Michael? Who was Michael?
"Who's Michael and why is he going to kill you?"
Still, Entry two was still the winner until the straw that broke the camels back:
"Michael looked at me and said "Mother fucker!" and began to reach into the inside of his coat to pull out a gun."
"I saw Kelly lying on the ground, and seeing Michael reaching for something inside his coat, I knew I had to act quickly..."
Just too many ambiguities to be ignored. The Animal Planet instict thing was nice though and there were some other good lines, but the dialogue and clunky narration were a bit too much.
Congratulations to Author #1 for SQUEEZING by to the next round.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-27 10:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was kinda meh.
Entry 2 had some great lines, and read like a 40's detective novel, but was also meh, just slightly less so.
-Dave
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-10-27 06:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-27 05:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
these sucked
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-27 05:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-10-26 23:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-10-26 23:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-26 23:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-26 22:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2006-10-26 18:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-10-26 15:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really didn't like either of these. Entry 2 was way too long for that weak of a punchline.
Entry 1 didn't do it for me either, but at least it wasn't overly wordy and drawn out.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-10-26 13:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-10-26 12:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
1 was decent
2 pissed me off for several reasons:
-no tie in to the title
-"To be more specific, it was a picture of her. To be even more specific, it was a picture of her whole" - This line sucked hard
-"Darling? She had never called me darling before" - And she still didn't when you mentioned this
-"If he knows about us, that means he knows about me" -So is Kelly just really slow?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-26 11:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-10-26 06:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was an unoriginal yet short and picturesque snapshot, and very well written. I really didn't like the way #2 ended.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-25 23:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-10-25 22:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bitch must die, whats one more
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-10-25 20:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the joke at the end of two didn't quite make up for the boring and long build up to it.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-25 19:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Part of entry two read like a networking how-to manual. Also, I didn't believe the dialogue at all. It was as if the characters were merely puppets being shoved into whatever the author wanted to have happen, rather than allow them to live off of the page. Entry one made me smile, but it also suffered from hollow characters... only slightly less so.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry two was plagiarised people.
jesus.
http://tinyurl.com/2kc4
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-10-25 13:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2006-10-25 12:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coin flip i'm afraid
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-25 03:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-25 01:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the whole of number two thinking, "this is good, but I really liked number one, so I'm going to vote for that one", and then I got to the last line...
BAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-10-25 01:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thedominator (user info) at 2006-10-25 01:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-10-24 23:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-10-24 23:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha. Well played, #2.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-24 18:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-24 18:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-10-24 18:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-10-24 17:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-24 17:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
had a picture and even though dwarves and midgets totally creep me out, I vote for pictures.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-24 17:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:42:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-24 15:26:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
...I thought maybe the murder would play out in his head and we'd wind up learning he was really eating a bagel in the break room or something.
--
That was more entertaining than either post.
---
It would explain the detective novel language, anyway.
Could be a fun idea to run with.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-10-24 17:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-10-24 17:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really enjoyed the characters in entry 1. Too bad it wasn't longer. And the characters in entry 2 annoyed me.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaaha
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BlueEagle (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story. Needs a sequel.....
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-24 15:26:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
...I thought maybe the murder would play out in his head and we'd wind up learning he was really eating a bagel in the break room or something.
--
That was more entertaining than either post.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was sure I was going to vote for #2 after reading #1... but #2 had so damn many implausibilities and flat lines that #1 seemd perfect, even if it was a little short. So to speak.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-24 16:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2, especially with the punchline.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-24 15:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At first I thought that maybe the narrator in #2 had a film noir thing going on in his mind that kept getting interrupted by the real world. Like Calvin's detective character from Calvin & Hobbes. Seeing "dame" and "legs that go all the way up" got me thinking about that. I thought maybe the murder would play out in his head and we'd wind up learning he was really eating a bagel in the break room or something.
Oh well.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-24 15:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going with #1 - nice and to the point.
#2, you had something going there, but I was expecting a better payoff at the end, like 'Double Indemnity', or a 'Strangers On A Train' kinda thing.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-10-24 13:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
2 was longer
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Came with a picture.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mediocre.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first entry certainly needed more drafting and editing.
The second one had more glaring errors. I guess the author did it for effect, but it really bothered me so i'm voting for the first entry.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-24 12:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending line was fucking shit. Quality story but a shitty one liner makes it a +1 from me.