Strange Things That my Brain Tells me I Want to do, but I Have no Idea Why. (1468 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.73 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2006-10-24 19:12:50 EDT
There's something wrong with my brain.
Now I know, in this day and age, (and on this particular website), it could be reasoned that there is something wrong with ALL our brains, and I'm not going to argue with you on that point chums. It's just that recently, I've noticed an increase in the number of strange impulses that rise up within me, each one stronger than the last. It's about reached the point were I'm not sure if I can contain them any longer.
So I decided to make this list (Yes. It's a fucking list post. Deal with it.) in the hope that should I get arrested for doing any of the below. I can show it to the judge and plead insanity on the grounds that only fucking lunatic would make such a list. Seeing as when he sees it, he'll actually have to look at the rest of Uber to get it into context, I'm hoping that my case will be strengthened when he quickly realises that this site is OBVIOUSLY some sort of playground for the retarded and psychotic to unleash their evil in a healthy manor.
So with just the necessary amount of ado (Yes that's right, I just dropped the old 'Ado' gag - fuck you if you don't like it) and just a smidge of over capitalisation: I bring you - Strange Things That my Brain Tells Me I Want To Do But I Have No Idea Why.
1. Punch an old lady.
Wanna know why this idea appeals to me so much? Read the fucking Title.
But it happens, almost everyday - I'm walking down the street listening to the tranquil sounds of Rage Against the Machine and walking the other way is a helpless 80-something granny, huffling along all stooped over and shit - and all I want to do is see what would happen if outta nowhere, I step in and deliver a textbook power hook shot across her hairy jaw. Would it kill her? Would people be aghast? Or would they applaud? Questions I feel, that need an answer.
2. Fuck a Deaf Chick.
Seriously, think about it. You could fuck her from behind and scream out all sorts of twisted shit. - "Yeah baby - let me fuck you like your daddy never could" or, "You don't know this yet, but I'm giving you AIDS right now, you deaf cunt." And as we all know, the only thing in this world better than abusing somebody for their disability is abusing them whilst simultaneously fucking them up the arse.
(As Radley McRadleyson pointed out to me when I discussed the logistics of this with him, it might be preferable to go the extra mile and find a deaf chick who's mute as well - I'm not entirely sure I'd be able to keep my wood if she started making those fucked up, gurgley 'deaf-noises' that are otherwise hilarious.)
3. Hot Coffee
Whenever it's my turn to get the Tea round in, I invariably have to get some pretentious cunt a coffee and maybe it's because I'm British but I can't help but think that coffee is the devil. And it must be thrown. Strangely, I have no preference as to where it lands - somebody's PC, on their lap, a no-look over-the-shoulder shot into someone's face - I just always have this strange urge to throw that brown shit somewhere.
4. Drop-kick some twat's stupid miniature Dog.
As my ex-girlfriends will no doubt confirm, I love dogs. I do however, have one rule: If I can run faster than It - it's not a dog - It's a fucking rat with a collar, it Needs to get kicked.
Since this idea first struck me, I have a growing curiosity as to exactly how far I could actually kick one of these yappy monstrosities and have even gone so far as to come up with a theoretical league table as to which breeds would be the most aerodynamic. (my money's on the Chihuahua I reckon those big ears would act like the fletching on an arrow and keep the canine from wobbling around in the air too much - giving it a more efficient arc of flight.)
5. Pack a chicks arse full of coke and then snort it.
First question I am always asked when I discuss this with people is thus: "OFF their arse, or OUT their arse?". OUT you fucking pussy, make sure she's clean(ish) first and just man up.
It breaks down like this Uber - Cocaine, when snorted, is absorbed through the network of capillaries in the nose, that's why it's the high is so instant - it's literally going straight into your bloodstream. There are more capillaries in the human anus than any other part of the body. A side effect of coke is the 'numbing' of the area it my be administered to.
That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
(Bonus point: If the chicks a coke-whore - she'll probably BEG to suck you off after you've finished defiling her)
6. Number 5 but with a deaf chick.
7. Heroin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cue people trying show off about how they've slummed it once declaring "I've seen people's lives ruined by that evil substance" and "Smackheads are not real people" and blah, blah, blah, etc etc. but seriously aren't you even a little bit curious what could feel so awesome as to force you to rip off your own nephew's piggy bank to get your next fix (happened to me folks).
Whenever anybody asks me that age old hypothetical - "what would you do if the world were going to end tomorrow?" I already know my answer. Fuck getting laid, or telling my family and friends that I love them or any soppy shit like that - I'm out to get high and spend Armageddon in god knows what kinda state of blissful oblivion - It's not like I'd have to worry about my destructive addiction.
8. Try to pad lists so that they go up at least 10, even when we all know that this peaked at number 5.
9. Give up on number 8
User Reviews
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should probably start reading more of your material.
Color me aroused.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you are so fucked up in so many ways.
Love and hugs,
Paul
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-10 18:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No apology necessary Spam, it happens. "Real" stuff should always trump uber stuff in priority.
Well, except maybe for someone getting Beebed.
Submitted by PMN (user info) at 2006-10-26 00:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made my nipples hard
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:30:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
This list never "peaked".
----
High five
--
nice alter you got there fucknuckle. man up and rate with your proper account - what exactly do you think I'm going to do about it??
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
This list never "peaked".
----
High five
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuckin A, Snorting coke out of a hooker's ass is like cornbread, nothing wrong with it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo 666 hits yadda yadda satan
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I "peaked"
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-25 12:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
This list never "peaked".
--
Agreed.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to talk about deaf chicks at some point
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This list never "peaked".
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-10-25 11:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick the shiat out of that chihuahua!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-25 09:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:39:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
10. Pack a chihuahua's ass with heroin and stick it inside a girl's anus, then snort the heroin.
--
BAhahahahaha
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10. Pack a chihuahua's ass with heroin and stick it inside a girl's anus, then snort the heroin.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-25 07:53:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
put you in another world, I can't hear you
like telephone sex with a deaf girl
--------------------------------------
Word.
I want to try herion. I bet it's better than macaroni and chees with hot dog slices and a little bit of catsup (ketchup) in it.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-25 07:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
put you in another world, I can't hear you
like telephone sex with a deaf girl
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-25 05:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:40:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
for some reason this read like idqdq
-
NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Submitted by British_Bulldog (user info) at 2006-10-25 05:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Speaking as a fellow brit, i was Whole-heartedly agreeing with 1 - 4. After that it kinda Skew-whiffed a tad for my liking. ON THE HOLE (pun is obvious)...+1
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-25 03:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent stuff!
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-25 03:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-24 23:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
make sure she's clean(ish) first and just man up
--
ha
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heartily endorse you for the next governor of Arkansas.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe I mused once about whether or not deaf people mouth out their moans during sex so they can read each others' lips, or if they actually have sign language specific to sex so they can appropriately convey their pleasure to one another while busting a double horizontal.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brain told me to spin around on those little line dividing bars at a fast food restaurant and I did.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.coverpop.com/whitney/whitneyChromatic.swf
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mindless +2 onaccounta I closed on ma house today.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-10-24 22:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was great
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it peaked at #6, actually.
Submitted by Sparxicus (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember reading something about this "fucking a deaf chick" phenomenon somewhere (was it on ubersite?) Anyways it went real in-depth, had stuff about talking on a phone while fucking her, etc. Does anybody have a link to this by any chance? Couldn't find it by searching.
Great post, btw.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome, also B@W
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
7. is the same with be but with acid and dmt and any of those seemingly fun substances.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A gem. This was awesome. Best thing in a few weeks at least.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi-Larity!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I read #2 as "fuck a dead chick."
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment Nessecary
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kwality
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Strange Things That my Brain Tells me I Want to do, but I Have no Idea Why."
... and number 10 is that chihuahuahua?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
for some reason this read like idqdq
so you really have TEA breaks over there????
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you, I laughed my ass off
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:14:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
i've always said i'll try heroin before I die.
--
not if you keep giving me +1's you wont.
We are/were Uber Buddies no? YOU MUST +2 OTHERWISE YOU WILL NO LONGER BE MY INTRAWEB FRIEND AND THE E-MAIL PICTURES WILL STOP.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:18:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
------
wouldn't it give you a numb peener too though>? I mean not as absorptive a surface as the rectum but one would think....
-
longevity
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That makes for one numb anus. Catch my drift?
------
wouldn't it give you a numb peener too though>? I mean not as absorptive a surface as the rectum but one would think....
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or at least anti-coke...
$5 for a picture of you drop kicking that dog - or any like it...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i've always said i'll try heroin before I die.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Props to Rad for partly inspiring this post.