(SFW) A step by step guide to fucking a goat. WARNING: not for the weak of heart: fucking a goat requires a strong will, sense of justice, and a raging alcohol problem. (6287 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.85 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2006-10-25 15:12:54 EDT
To a recent post, one named Bubba241 said the following
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-24 21:20:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Have you ever actually fucked a goat? Are you Experienced? Well, I am.
Goat fucking is not for sexual reasons, it is a mind-blowing experience reserved for the
elite few, those who understand the ramifications of a proper goat's rectum. If you've never been
there, you cannot know. Speak not of that which you do not understand......
------------------------
Well, Mr. Bubba, I do understand, and brave uber, I intend to share with you the intricacies of this ancient and time-honoured tradition.
Step 1: Find a goat
Steal it from a farm, raise one from birth, tenderly stroking it beside the fire underneath the warm basky glow of television, it doesn't matter as long as you can fuck it. Because fuck it you will. This is not just sexual gratification, although of course this is sexually gratifying. No, this is a post-modern statement, and in this grand action you are speaking against the classical grand narrative structure of English culture. What does this mean? It means your goat is probably going to be tighter than your Grandma, so you're going to need....
Step 2: Shave the goat
This step is crucial. When you're balls deep in a goat's ass, about to orgasm, and you move to gingerly kiss the nape of its neck, you won't want to get a mouth full of shit covered got hair now would you?
Step 3 (optional): Find ANOTHER goat and shave it
This is like that one porno you saw, where the pizza delivery guy is drilling the sexy plumber, and then the sexy plumber's assistant comes in and starts waving her quadruple D funbags in the pizza delivery guy's face before letting him blow hot semen all over her face. But with goats. Shaved goats.
Step 4: Dress up your goat(s)
By now you should have one or more shaved goats somewhere in your house. They will undoubedly be cold, so find something to dress them up in. Most goats are about the size of a medium dog so a dog costume will probably fit them. You can use the goats to enact any of your childhood fantasies, just change the costume and imagine away! Did you want to bang your second grade teacher with the conspicuous facial hair? Well just leave a little tuft of hair at the bottom of the goat's chin. Evepr wanted to have your phallus gnawed off by a hungry goat? Just stick it in its mouth. The possibilities are endless.
Step 5: Set the mood
This step is crucial. Prepare perhaps a nice lobster dinner for you with a side of Pinot Noir or an equally pretentious sounding French wine. Understand that your goat(s) however should not have any of your food, as people food is not meant for goats. Instead, to really set the mood, just tip your garbage can onto your kitchen floor, and allow the goats full access to the collection of orange rinds and tae bo tapes. The delectible buffet inevitably contained in your kitchen garbage can will provide an ample feast for the goats.
Step 6: Fuck the goat
Remove your pants, and grab hold. You will feel a wave of revulsion washing over you, almost like a tidal wave has crashed through your window and is washing you in the bananna peels and coffee rinds that made up the entirety of your garbage. Ignore this, and try and keep wood. Thrust yourself deep into any orifice you can find, it doesn't really matter, just don't stop. Eventually you will spray your load all over the innards of the goat. This same wave of shame will wash over you again, only worse this time. It will feel like a thousand people are shitting on you at once on national television, and you will probably have a strong urge to kill yourself. This leads to the next step:
Step 7: Get hammered
Don't just get a little tipsy, get completely and utterly hammered. If you can walk in a straight line you haven't drank enough, for god's sakes don't stop drinking man. Eventually the wave of shame, guilt, and a desire to kill yourself will be washed back out to sea by a copious helping of Wild Turkey or Jim Bean.
Step 8: Fuck the goat again.
And there you have it, a step by step guide to loving nature's most lovable cloven-hoofed animal, the goat!
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-26 11:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you want to bang your second grade teacher with the conspicuous facial hair? Well just leave a little tuft of hair at the bottom of the goat's chin.
W O W
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-10-26 03:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does the goat have to be female?
And whats the strange taste I have in my mouth?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-26 02:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So much effort. To fuck a jellyfish you just need a knife to make fresh holes.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-10-26 00:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a train wreck, I just couldn't look away.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-10-25 22:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking hilarious. Good show.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-10-25 20:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you do it at the edge of a cliff, the goat will push back
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-25 19:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man i've followed your 8 step process with moderate success, is there a FAQ online somewhere before I can find before I try to contact you directly? Theres just a couple issues I want to address before I try it for the 7th time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
This post is so B@W...
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-25 17:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love fucking the goat.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-25 16:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-25 16:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-25 16:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My. God.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Prepare perhaps a nice lobster dinner for you with a side of Pinot Noir or an equally pretentious sounding French wine"
+2 for that alone.
B@W!!!
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they don't get much better than this...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahhahaaa
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man i've followed your 8 step process with moderate success, is there a FAQ online somewhere before I can find before I try to contact you directly? Theres just a couple issues I want to address before I try it for the 7th time.
-------
The faq lies in your soul Bosh man, past Earl Scruggs that evil demon man that guards your deepest fears, beat the Earl Scruggs that lives in your heart and sieze upon your destiny. Fuck that goat BOSHMAN. Fuck that goat and know freedom.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man i've followed your 8 step process with moderate success, is there a FAQ online somewhere before I can find before I try to contact you directly? Theres just a couple issues I want to address before I try it for the 7th time.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Christ, what are you smoking?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dayum
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wow.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-25 15:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a Scotsman I can do nothing but approve