Worst Halloween Ever (701 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mac (View user info) at 2006-10-27 08:58:05 EDT
Growing up, I was never a fan of family oriented holidays like Christmas or Easter. In fact, I wasn't too crazy about any holiday that was only considered "successful" after loving and attentive parents made immense personal and monetary sacrifices in an effort to bring joy to their children in the form of unforgettable vacations and lavish gifts. Halloween, on the other hand, could only be considered "successful" after unconcerned and uninvolved parents turned their children loose to bug neighbors for free candy. I loved Halloween.
Since my parents were never involved in my costume choice, I picked the same costume every year - Cinderella. Sure, it earned me the nickname "Cinderfella" clear through high school, but at the time it was a small price to pay for the insane amount of pity candy I raked in each year from sympathetic neighbors. They would always react the same way. They would open the door and see my brother dressed as a super hero. Then they'd take one look at me, a husky little boy, awkwardly stuffed into a bejeweled blue dress, and hang their heads, mumbling "poor bastard . . . parents must really hate him."
After taking a moment to collect their thoughts and choke back their tears, they would then put on a fake smile and say "well, aren't you . . . uh . . . pretty? Here, have two pieces of candy." Most years I doubled my weight in sweet, sweet pity candy. It was awesome.
However, the pity candy came to a screeching halt in 1990, when my mom, for the first time ever, actually decided to get involved in Halloween. It was during the height of the Captain Planet craze and my brother cleverly decided at the last minute that he wanted to be Captain Planet for Halloween. My mom thought it would be cute if some of his classmates would go trick-or-treating with him as the Planeteers.
After a few threatening phone calls, my mom was able to organize a car pool for four of the five planetary elements- "Wind," "Water," "Earth," and "Fire." She was somehow unable to get anyone to agree to dress up as "Heart."
While I was getting into costume that night, my mom broke the news that I would have to be Heart.
"Mac, you're going to be Heart this year," she explained as I was searching through a Lego box for my wig.
"But, Ma, I've already got a costume," I explained as I triumphantly pulled the wig from the box.
"You're not going as Cinderella again this year! The neighbors are talking about it! You'll be Heart and like it," she said as she snatched the wig from my hands. I knew if I didn't hold my ground and stick with my Cinderella costume, the pity candy would be gone.
"Never! I'll never be Heart!" I screamed just before adding some pretty impressive numbers to let her know how serious I was, "Not in a trillion gazillion years!"
Five minutes later, I was the lamest Planeteer ever. The other kids at least looked like their Planeteer alter egos, with officially licensed Captain Planet merchandise, but my costume wasn't even close. It wasn't even a costume. It was just one of my brother's old "I 'heart' New York" t-shirts.
It was humiliating enough to go trick-or-treating dressed as "Heart," but what made it so much worse was that every single one of our neighbors felt the need to mock me, saying, "Ooooh, Captain Planet and the Planeteers! Wait . . . who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm Heart . . . can I have two pieces of candy now?" I'd reply. They would then roll their eyes and sigh, saying, "Heart . . . pfft . . . here's an apple."
That year I ended up with seventeen apples, a dozen oranges, nine boxes of raisins, and a dollar thirty four in mixed change.
It was an unsuccessful Halloween to say the least.
True Story.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-28 16:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you've been gone for quite a while
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-28 04:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2006-10-28 00:16:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
heart is NOT an element!
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heart brough them all together, to FORM captain planet, asshole.
i jest.
mostly.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-28 04:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then they'd take one look at me, a husky little boy, awkwardly stuffed into a bejeweled blue dress, "
I hope this kid comes to my door trick-or-treating. Lots of pity candy will be handed out.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-28 03:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain Pollution got pulled when it turned out the voice actor was a pedophile called Tim "Rootin Tootin Pollutin" Withers.
Equally true story.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-28 01:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
people who give apples and pencils should be shot with an egg gun. I know there's no such thing as an egg gun. someone needs to invent an egg gun just for people who give apples and pencils for halloween. penny givers can be shot with regular guns.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-10-28 01:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain Planet is so freakin sweet. And I'm sorry you had to be Heart... lord knows you should have got pity candy for that.
Also; I just went and read all your posts. You're hilarious. That is all.
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2006-10-28 00:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heart is NOT an element!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-28 00:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-10-27 18:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-27 11:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe the last line.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-27 11:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was during the height of the Captain Planet craze "
In my town, the height of the Captain Planet craze occured when one of the local networks ran the show for about a month. When it was cancelled, no one really noticed.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like how the last line is a lie
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is this guy's first post in over 2 years.
Welcome back.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LeVar Burton aka Geordie Le Forge from Star Trek was the voice of the Heart kid.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-27 09:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment