My Funny Valentine (786 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.76 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iradney (View user info) at 2006-10-27 16:06:49 EDT
I'd admired him from afar for so long. He was a few cubicles up from me, and each morning that I would walk past him, my heart fluttered a little.
Anton was not conventionally beautiful. His profile was Roman, and he was tall and skinny. But he had the most beautiful green eyes, floppy Hugh Grant hair and a crooked smile. Every morning he would greet me. Well, not just me, he greeted everyone. But after a while, I could've sworn there was a special inflection in the way he said good morning to me! His voice almost seemed to caress my name...
I knew he had a girlfriend. I also knew that things were rocky. I'd managed to get his email password and I noticed that lately she'd seemed distant toward him. Another man, no doubt. I would just have to bide my time and wait till Anton came to his senses, and then I could make him mine. I started a very subtle makeover in the meantime. I knew he liked blondes, so I lightened my mousey-brown hair a few shades. I started wearing makeup and went on a diet to lose 10 pounds. I had to make myself perfect for him!
Then, a few months ago, it happened! He broke it off with her! I was so happy when I heard! I could now put my plan into action. I started striking up casual conversation, dropping in the names of bands I knew he liked and keeping abreast of the sports teams he supported.
After a few weeks, on Valentines day, he actually invited me out for drinks after work! I was really glad that I'd bought a magazine that had a free deodorant sample, because I really broke into a sweat! I left work 15 minutes earlier to freshen up a little, and met him at the pub around the corner.
That night, we laughed, swapped stories, and as we got more and more inebriated, we became more and more honest with each other. He confessed that he'd always thought I was cute, and boy did I blush! Hardly believing my own daring, I had leaned across the table and put a kiss on his cheek. As I pulled away, his hand reached up to my cheek.
His green eyes were gazing deep into mine, and next thing I knew we were kissing! Anton was actually kissing me!
We didn't sleep together that night - I knew enough from reading magazines like Cosmo that sex on a first date is a no-no. But we started seeing each other, and in no time we were inseparable!
We spent weekends together, doing silly couply things like bike rides, picnics and plays. We had ridiculous little pet names for each other, like I was Giggles and he was Valentine. It was like some kind of romantic movie! I knew Anton didn't mind spending time with me because in his previous emails to his ex, he'd complained that they never spent time together, and that she never seemed to have time for him.
The first time we made love was amazing! Afterward, he was lying in bed and said I was the most amazing woman he'd ever met. I think it's because I knew exactly what he wanted. He liked an aggressive woman in bed, or so his emails implied. And I was right! I'm not normally forward, but he seemed to enjoy it when I pinned him down, or told him what to do.
It was such bliss! Anton and I, soulmates, together at last! I couldn't have been happier - unless, of course, he proposed. That would quite possibly have made me explode with joy.
However, a couple of months into our bliss, things started to unravel. Anton wanted to spend time with the boys. Whatever for, I didn't know. I watched the soccer with him, served him beer and snacks, talked about his favourite music and cars...I just couldn't understand why my Valentine would want to be apart from me!
When I told him all of that, he just smiled and kissed me on the forehead before he left, swinging his jacket over his shoulder. I sat up all night fuming, but when he finally came home early in the morning, his kisses and murmured apologies made me forget my anger.
I figured it was ok if he went out once a week with his male friends. It wasn't so bad after all, as long as he was back by the curfew I'd imposed for him. Then one night, he came home with his head shaved! Shaved! Like some kind of convict! I was enraged! Turns out he and his friends had had a bet on a soccer game, and he'd lost. I banned him from any more boys nights, and withheld sex for a week; I was that furious!
After that, Anton started to change. He became secretive, and started "working late". Whenever I left work, I'd pop in at his cubicle and kiss him goodbye and he appeared to be working. But then I noticed that his clothes fit him differently. His body felt different under my hands. He was bulkier, and it was soon obvious that Anton was not working late, but working OUT late.
Why would he want to change himself? Didn't he know I loved him just as he was, and ONLY how he was? I didn't like this new Anton, with the muscles and stubbly head. I didn't like the way he felt to me, and how his eyes seemed empty when he looked at me.
I had to do it. It was the only way I could get my Anton back. I told the boss that we were going away for a cruise for 2 weeks. Then, while Anton wasn't looking, I slipped some sleeping pills into his tea. I wasn't too sure of the dosage, and I think I might have overdone it as he was out for a whole day! But when he woke up and saw that I'd chained him to the bed, he first thought it was some "twisted fucked up sex game". His words, not mine. Turns out he wasn't enjoying me as a sexually aggressive woman after all!
I've kept him subdued by drugging his food and drink. At first I had to force him to consume what meals I'd prepared for him, but obviously he didn't enjoy the choking sensation each time something slid down his windpipe instead of his throat. Within ten days, my Anton was back to his lean self. His hair had grown out a little bit, and was looking better.
I've called our boss and told him we were both resigning as we'd found jobs on the cruise ship while vacationing. It won't be long until my Valentine is back to his old lovable self...
My funny valentine,
Sweet comic valentine,
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art
Is your figure less than Greek,
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak are you smart?
But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine's Day
User Reviews
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-27 19:13:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, that's what passes for crazy in Saffa-land?
See, an American chick would have broken both his ankles
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True
but she lurrrrrrrrves him. so she doesn't want to hobble him, just get him back to the way he was.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-29 12:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 12:27:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
don't you smile at me like that
that ain't even a real smile
that's just a bunch o' teeth playing with my mind
=========
Go Face!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 12:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't you smile at me like that
that ain't even a real smile
that's just a bunch o' teeth playing with my mind
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-29 12:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In college, I used to hook up with a girl almost as fucked up as this one. After I broke it off, she used to come to my dorm room anytime I had a girl over (friend or not) and pretend to be passed out on my floor so we couldn't do anything. She'd just lay there, and pretend not to hear me telling her to leave. This was a year ago, and she's still talking about me all of the time to her friends and telling them "us" stories that never happened.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-29 10:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a woman once come walking into my house at one-o clock in the morning just to try to convince me to take her back.
I was laying on the couch watching tv.
She wanted to have sex with me to prove that she loved me. She was actually pleading with me.
I told her no. You want to know why?
Because twice while we were having sex, she called me by another mans name. Not once, but twice.
If you are wondering why I didn't break it off after the first time it happened, I will just say this:
She was pretty good in the sack.
This post reminded me of her.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-28 14:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by andkorn (user info) at 2006-10-28 09:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not crazy enough.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-28 06:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-27 19:24:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been trapped inside your heart-shaped box for a week...
=================
...
*shakes head*
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-10-27 23:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:14:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time we made love was amazing! Afterward, he was lying in bed and said I was the most amazing woman he'd ever met.
========================
The psycho chicks always fuck like the pornstars of our dreams.
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Looking through my windows again Monty?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-10-27 22:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was me wasn't it?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-27 19:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:07:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Frank Sinatra.
=====================
Fuck that twat, the Chet Baker version of 'Funny Valentine' is roughly a billion times better.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-27 19:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been trapped inside your heart-shaped box for a week...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-27 19:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, that's what passes for crazy in Saffa-land?
See, an American chick would have broken both his ankles...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-27 18:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn straight.
Submitted by djhurricane (user info) at 2006-10-27 18:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Psycho killer
Quest que cest
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho killer
Quest que cest
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-27 17:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Elvis Costello.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy women are always entertaining.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time we made love was amazing! Afterward, he was lying in bed and said I was the most amazing woman he'd ever met.
========================
The psycho chicks always fuck like the pornstars of our dreams.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-27 16:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Frank Sinatra.