In the State of Confusion otherwise known as Texas (846 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2006-10-28 16:50:43 EDT
Just wanted to help you Yankee bastards out. These are somethings you should know if you happen to stumble into the nation I call Texas.
When visiting Texas dont forget the Holy Trinity. Barbecue, chili, and chicken fried steak. I'll spare you a lecture on the barbecue as it is common knowledge that the best barbecue in the world comes from here. But chicken fried steaks is commonly known in other states as country fried steak. I'd just as soon eat this keyboard that I'm typing on than eat a country fried anything. It's chicken fried and double-wide or no way at all. A tough piece of meat beat to hell with a tenderizer, dredged in batter, then deep fried in a cast iron skillet and served with mashed potatoes, Texas Toast, green beans, and a shitload of cream gravy.
"The rest of you can go to hell, as for me I'm goin to Texas"--Davy Crockett
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Texan's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Texan accent, unless it is a Texan imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Texan expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Texan influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the Texas, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Texans do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Texas license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Yankees can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in Texas. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Texans going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In Texas churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Texan for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
28. Do not fuck with Drew. He will kill you
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-03 16:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to go to Texas. sounds like I'd have a lot of fun!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-04 18:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how bold, out-spoken, and egoistical everyone from Texas is. It's awesome. Texans are bad-ass.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-11-04 17:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
asshat
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-10-30 15:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I lived in Texas for awhile...
That's all I have to say.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-10-29 15:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
giddyup m'erfuckr
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-10-29 14:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love taxes too.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-10-29 13:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The stars at night,"
"Are big and bright."
(Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap)
"Deep in the heart of Texas."
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-10-29 12:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-10-29 10:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't laugh at yourself etc...
-Dave
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-10-29 03:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
needs more Katrina "survivors"
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-28 23:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a Southerner. I'm a fucking Southerner.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-28 22:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The farthest south I've been (excluding Florida, which doesn't count) is south Virginia. It's not so bad, hard to believe that people owned slaves there at one point. From people I know in the south Carolinas and Tennessee, a northerner down there will get polite treatment, but will have NO friends because people hate northerers.
My girlfriend's family lives in a gated community in NC, ie the high-class former-plantation-owning south. I can see where some of the stereotypes come from, but most of the people I'm in contact with in the south aren't exactly rednecks.
Sorry for the long rambling review, I kept coming back to write bits over ten minutes.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2006-10-28 22:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I grew up in Texas. I think it's a wonderful place... The kindest, most friendly people I've ever known. Beautiful scenery... I'd recommend anyone to visit there.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 22:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ill think about that when I'm bangin your ol lady on Confederate flag bedsheets.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2006-10-28 22:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the south, in general =
oozing, septic, bad, bad-smelling, corroded, corrupt, crumbled, crumbling, decaying, decomposed, decomposing, disgusting, disintegrated, disintegrating, fecal, feculent, festering, fetid, foul, gross, high, infected, loathsome, loud, mephitic, moldering, moldy, noisome, noxious, offensive, over-ripe, perished, polluted, purulent, pustular, putrescent, putrid, putrified, rancid, rank, rotting, smelling, sour, spoiled, stale, stinking, strong, tainted, touched, unsound ..........shit hole.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2006-10-28 22:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
texas = festering pus-hole
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 21:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please do. I leave work at 11:30 tonight.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-10-28 20:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DREW! You are the cutest little poop in the whole world. I'ma call you later.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post is great
B@W
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a Cowboy fan, but when they lose it's almost worth it when they show a close up of Jerry Jones' ugly mug on the bog screen.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
living in Dallas it stings a little but so long as my Longhorns can stud up and get it done all will be well.
Jay Feeley needs his legs chopped off.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No problemo. I'm sure y'all're still cryin' over the ass kicking them Boys took last week.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:59:03 (#)
Ranking: -1
http://jokes.hellacool.co.uk/jokes/Rules-of-the-South.html
These are all really old jokes and most of them even show up on the above joke website in pretty much the same order. They are probably all over other sites, too.
I guess you just changed them from 'southern' to 'Texas.'
While amusing, I think you should indicate they are not original with you.
________
Willie, you should indicate that NOTHING is original with you. You are too gutless to post
anything, probably for fear that we will recognize the conspiracy style. Yeah, we know who
you are, so give it up, dipshit.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Marfa? The hot West Texas shithole? They do have those unexplainable lights. I think its rednecks with barbecue grills
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to visit Marfa.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 19:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These are all really old jokes and most of them even show up on the above joke website in pretty much the same order. They are probably all over other sites, too.
I guess you just changed them from 'southern' to 'Texas.'
While amusing, I think you should indicate they are not original with you.
___________________________
Sorry for the confusion, these are not all from me. Nor did I invent the chicken fried steak or the contraction ya'll. I did not fight at the Alamo and I was not present during the founding of Dallas.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://jokes.hellacool.co.uk/jokes/Rules-of-the-South.html
These are all really old jokes and most of them even show up on the above joke website in pretty much the same order. They are probably all over other sites, too.
I guess you just changed them from 'southern' to 'Texas.'
While amusing, I think you should indicate they are not original with you.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Is the boy yer leastun?"
"Which car we gonna carry?"
"Fixin ta get ready."
The fucking list is endless. My oldest daughter lived in Tyler for 11 years, and she still
sounds like a Texan.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love texas. i agree with pretty much all of this. you forgot to mention the thing about "coke" and all that wonderful confusion there.
hmmm... now i feel like takin a trip.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-10-28 18:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.kreuzmarket.com/index.shtml without question the best barbecue in the entire world
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-10-28 17:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
note: don't go to Texas.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-28 17:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Note to self: Never drive in Texas unless willing to invoke the "He needed killin'" defense.