My Lucky Numbers or How I bought my New Hat (701 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2006-10-29 17:31:52 EST
Jim and I ate at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants today. Well, honestly, it's the only Chinese restaurant in town.
Jim's been my friend since high school and we pretty much do everything together except take showers and go to dentist appointments.
Today we settled down in our booth and waited ten plus minutes for the waitress to come by and take out order. By the time she arrived we knew exactly what we wanted. I ordered General Tso's chicken with steamed rice, a spring roll and egg drop soup. He ordered Mongolian Beef with fried rice, a spring roll and wonton soup. I think wonton soup is gross, so I tried not to watch him eat it.
We finished our meal, or most of it, and waited on our ticket. Eventually she laid it across the table and Jim scooped it up.
I grabbed one of the two fortune cookies, broke it open and ate the cookie while I read my fortune. Prosperity...something something, hard work....something something. It was the usual. I flipped it open to see my lucky numbers. 357 92 7571. 28. The first nine numbers were my freaking social security number.
Aghast, I showed Jim to see what he thought of it.
"Weird coincidence," he muttered and proceeded to add the phrase "in bed" to the end of both of our fortunes.
"Are you fucking kidding me? A coincidence? This is no goddamn coincidence."
While paying our bill, I tried to question the nice oriental lady behind the counter.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked calmly while waving the backside of my fortune for her to see.
She squinted, pursed her lips and said, "That'll be $6.89."
I handed her the cash. There was no point in trying to welsh on the bill. We ate the food. We enjoyed the paper lanterns over our heads. Hell, Jim even stole the silverware.
"I need answers!" I demanded.
Unfortunately at this point the lady was rolling silverware up in cloth napkins and was paying little attention to me. She probably needed to replace the silverware that Jim stole. He can't help it. He's a serious klepto. I once caught him dragging my chair outside my apartment. When he said he was going to varnish it, we both knew he was lying.
Jim was heading out the store, so I needed to take action fast. There was a huge dish of fortune cookies next to the kitchen door. I glanced around the room. The lady was still rolling silverware and Jim looked a little impatient, so I made my move.
"Stop!" the insidious lady yelled.
I didn't stop. I held the basket of fortune cookies underneath my arm and sprinted for the door. I was only slowed slightly when I ran into Jim, knocked him onto the floor and stepped on his neck. He should have moved faster.
I climbed into my car, turned the keys and waited on Jim. When he didn't show and that oriental woman came to the door, I put the car in reverse and floored it.
Where to go? They'll be looking for me for sure. Now that I've uncovered their plot to... do whatever it is they're doing, they'll be after me.
I pulled into the Taco Bell, which is the last place an oriental person would ever go and began ripping the cookies apart. None of the other lucky numbers looked familiar, though there were lots of duplicate fortunes. DAMN. They had foiled me. That basket of fortunes must have been a decoy because they knew I was onto them.
My cell phone rang and I fumbled to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Brandi?"
"Yeah?"
"It's Jim. Can you come pick me up? And they'd like you to bring their fortune cookies back."
"Sure thing, Jim."
I hung up the phone and sighed. Now they had recruited Jim. I'd have to do something. These bastards had my social security number and they were mocking me with it. They probably also have my credit card numbers, my home address, and my mother's maiden name.
They were evil, Chinese, and they were going to ruin my credit. So I did the only thing I could do. I left Jim at the restaurant, went home and turned my television to QVC. If those bastards were going to fuck with my credit I was going to order some funky nail polish, one of those "set it and forget it" rotisseries and maybe even a new hat. Yeah... a new hat...those bastards.
User Reviews
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-28 17:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 19:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't get the smell of stale cigarette smoke out of my nostrils.
Possibly because I'm surrounded by smokers. While this isn't new, there is one person directly across from me who IS new, and from the stench that has not been present while the other smokers have been here for the past year, she may not know how to properly maintain hygiene.
Stale smoke is one of the worst smells possible.
Can I spray a coworker down with Febreze? Would that be harrassment?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-30 19:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HELP IM A PRISONER IN A CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE FACTORY
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-30 10:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. I liked.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-30 09:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-10-30 09:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But friends SHOULD shower together. It conserves water. :-(
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-30 06:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-10-30 02:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckles*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should be encouraging asians to participate here. Not scaring them away.
Everything "needs more asian." It's true.
Oh like you wouldn't watch rodeos if some of the cowboys were gooks.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-29 19:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I chuckled, indeed.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALSO - my expression was funny - and 'flat faced asian gentleman' isn't. So there.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was being more accurate. Orient = The East of Asia. Asian = over half of the world's population missy.
Finished your books. They were superb.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:03:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a flatfaced oriental gentleman who conspires to make my life miserable too.
==
*shakes head* Rugs are Oriental. People are Asian.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-29 18:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a flatfaced oriental gentleman who conspires to make my life miserable too.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They know too much. You know what to do.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that should teach them, fucking commies
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA This is genuinely funny, B.
I like that the lady was both Oriental AND insidious.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee hee hee hee
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
those devious asians...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-29 17:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Did Jim rape your tight ninja cornhole? If so, do you have it on film?
SMEAR TEH CORNHOLE!!!