Doing Your Bit For Society - Making an Old Person Think They Have Alzheimer's (984 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.83 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-10-30 04:08:53 EST
You just can't beat old people.
Not legally, anyway. And euthanasia is still a bit of a grey area, so when it came to my neighbour Frank, I had to be a little more creative in how I dealt with the aged fucker.
To put it bluntly, Frank is a cunt. An old cunt. More precisely, he's a MEAN old cunt. Ever since he moved into the street four months ago, he's displayed a vindictive streak that would make any tyrannical despot proud. He's certainly the only person I know who goes to the length of putting rat traps in his garden laden with ham and tuna steaks to stop cats from crapping on his lawn.
The day he moved in, he turned up with a big removal van full of his stuff. Being neighbourly, I offered to help him unload. After shifting a washing machine, and what had to be the world's heaviest fridge-freezer, he asked if I could carry his wardrobe up the stairs. The bastard thing took me half an hour to get through the front door, and about the same amount of time to slide up the steep set of stairs while Frank looked on and supervised the scene.
"That's it, keep going. And mind my fucking wallpaper."
The wallpaper was as old as the house itself, and was peeling off in strips all over the place, so it really couldn't have gotten any worse. When I finally got to the top, I swivelled the wardrobe around so I could move it into the main bedroom. As I did, the corner of the base scraped the wallpaper, and scuffed a little away from the wall.
"Sorry, I just...."
"You stupid fucking prat! Look what you've done, you useless bastard. Should have done it my fucking self....."
Yeah, sure thing, granddad. I'm sure you and your 120 lb frail body would have shifted it up these steps. I left him to it, and two days later, I was going through my morning mail. I couldn't believe what I came across.
PATTERSON & SON - INTERIOR PAINTERS AND DECORATORS.
Re: Decoration of adjourning property.
Materials - £95.00
Labour - 6 hours @ £45.00 ph - £270.00
Total Cost - £365.00 plus vat @ 17.5%
£428.88
I took the letter and went to see old Franky boy. When he answered the door, I stared in disbelief at the thick plush wallpaper that now adorned his entire house.
"What the hell are you playing at? I scraped one tiny bit of paper from a wall that was practically bare!"
"You scraped my wallpaper, so you can fucking well pay for it. Now, unless you have anything else, FUCK OFF." He slammed the door hard enough to make the frame shake.
As I walked back down his path, I noticed a group of kids crying in the street.
"What's up little dudes?"
"That old man let my tyres down." The kid pointed to a shiny new BMX and the recently deflated tyres. "Said he owned the bit of road outside his house, and I shouldn't have been riding there."
What was this guy's problem? Over the next few months, there were more incidents like this, and Frank had even taken to fitting razor wire around his fence.
"Yo, Frank," I asked when I saw him one morning. "This really necessary?"
"It's my fucking fence. I'll do what I like." He retreated back into his fortress with the ball of some kid who had happened to be playing outside his house.
Something needed to be done about this miserable son of a bitch. What he really needed was a good beating, but I enjoy my liberty, and wasn't going to get myself locked up over this old fucker. Subtlety would have to be the key this time. But first, I had to gain his trust.
"Hey Frank, how you doing? I went shopping earlier, but it looks like I got too much stuff. Just wondered if you want this pie, it won't fit in my freezer, and it'll only go bad otherwise."
He eyed the pie suspiciously, before taking it anyway. "Thanks," he mumbled sourly, before shutting the door in my face. I spent the next two weeks doing stuff like this. Mowing his lawn, running errands, all with little or no appreciation from the old man. It killed me to do it, but it would be worth it in the long run.
"Frank, I got something you might be interested in, old pal. Got me a petition to stop them building that new cat sanctuary in the next street..... Wanna be the first to sign?"
For the first time ever, Frank actually cracked a smile. "Fuck yeah! Those furry shit machines, always shittin' and pissin in my garden... deserve everything they get. Let me just get a pen."
As he went to fetch a pen, I took my driver's licence and slipped it in the bookcase just inside his doorway. Everything going to plan.
The following morning, I was up at 5am. I got dressed, grabbed my fishing gear, and proceeded to knock as loud as possible on Frank's door. After 10 minutes, he appeared in the door wearing slippers and a dressing gown.
"What the hell are you doing at this time of morning?"
"You said 5am sharp, remember? Well, here I am."
"What the fuck you mean, 5am sharp? I didn't say anything about...."
"Of course you did. Yesterday, when we were talking about your childhood days.... You said it would be great to go fishing again."
"Fishing? I can't stand fishing!"
"Then why did you say...oh never mind, your loss. See ya."
I left him stood there in his doorway with a puzzled look on his face. This is going to be more fun than I thought.
I waited until later that day, and as soon I saw him leave the house, I was straight on the phone.
"Er, hi, I've locked myself out. I need a locksmith asap." The guy on the other end of the phone explained that I would need to have some form of photographic identification on the premises to prove I lived there. "Drivers licence be ok? Great! Ok, the address is....."
The guy turned up, and got into the house quick as a flash. I grabbed the licence I had placed there the previous day. The guy examined it, said everything was in order, and I wrote him a cheque for his troubles. It was pricey, but entertainment doesn't come cheap these days. I unscrewed the door from the hinges, and replaced it with a completely different one I had procured from the scrap yard.
I waited across the road, and watched as Frank came wandering up the street. Watched, as he opened his gate, and walked up his path. Watched as he dug his keys out of his bag. Watched, and damn near pissed myself when he looked up and saw his door. He stood there, just staring for a minute or two, scratching his fat bald head. Once or twice he glanced up and down the street. I walked across the road and greeted him.
"Hi Frank... everything ok?"
"What the hell's happened to my god damn door?"
"Looks fine to me. What's wrong?"
"That aint my door!"
"Of course it is. Been there for years. You feeling ok Frank? You look a little worried. Go on, just open the door." I had placed the same lock back onto the new door, and when Frank unlocked it he paused again, just staring at it. "See, everything's fine. Now you go on, and I'll see you about 4ish."
"4ish?"
"You want a lift into town, right?"
"No... did I say that? I think I need a lie down...."
"Yeah, but if you don't, that's no problem. Take care, Frank."
The whole plan was working a treat. All it needed now was the coup de grace. One final push, to send the miserable sod into insanity. And I had just the thing in mind.
I went into town and visited the place I needed to go. When I handed the clerk the order form that I had filled out a few days earlier, I was greeted with a very quizzical look.
"Yeah, I know it's a bit strange... and I know it's a lot. But I'll pay now, and in cash. You deliver, right? Yep, that's the address they need to go to."
"OK sir....but a delivery this size will take a few days."
"No problem. Thanks for your help."
I left the store with mixed emotions. 'Guilt', maybe? 'Shame', perhaps? No that wasn't it....... 'Smugness' - Yep, that's the one alright.
I spent the next few days peering out of my window, waiting for what was coming. Three days later, the truck pulled up outside. Our street is fairly small and full of nosey neighbours. Whenever a big truck pulls up, the whole street wants to know what's going on. Frank included.
A guy dressed in blue overalls jumped out of the truck and went over to the old codger.
"You Frank Connell?"
"That's me..... what's going on?"
"Adamson's Aquarium and Animal Supplies. We got your fish heads."
"Fish heads? What the fuck would I want with fish heads?"
"I dunno, I just deliver, I don't ask questions. Now, where do you want 'em, I got a schedule to keep to, mister."
"I didn't order any fucking fish heads, now get the fuck off my property, ya jackass."
The man in the overalls pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket. The same sheet of paper I had got Frank to sign. The 'petition'.
"This your signature?" Frank took the paper and glanced down at it.
"Well, yeah...... but....... I don't remember signing this....."
"Well, you did. I guess that makes you the jackass. Let 'em loose, boys!" He ordered to the other man who was still in the truck. He backed up, and lifted the trailer, spilling 250 kilos of frozen fish carcass into the old man's front garden.
As the truck drove off, I walked over to Frank.
"Hey, Frank. Say, what does a guy like you need with all these fish heads?" He didn't reply at first, just stood there, staring at the pile of fish on his path, with both hands on his head. When he did reply, he was close to tears.
"What the fuck is wrong with me......." He turned around, and slowly walked indoors, mumbling incoherently to himself.
I didn't see the old guy for a few days, and within a week, people had begun to show up and remove stuff from the house. I went over and spoke to one of them.
"Where's Frank these days?"
"My Dad's had a bit a funny turn... we decided it'd be best if we moved him back with us for a while. Just to keep an eye on him."
I congratulated myself on a job well done. The kids were free to play, and the cats were free to roam without fear of being trapped. The geriatric bastard was gone for good.
I pray to god that I never grow up like that. Old people should be shot at birth.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, the Malleys is finished
http://www.ubersite.com/u/axolotl/l/the_malleys
Check it out, it's a good read
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-01 18:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized I rated this twice.
Fuck it, I read it twice, and enjoyed it twice.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-01 18:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EXCELLENT!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are too clever and smart and funny by half Joe.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2006-10-31 09:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you for this insightfull story .
consider that +2 a +3 !
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 09:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-31 09:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-31 08:31:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
i like our title.
-------------------
Me too! Finally, something to really work with.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-31 08:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like our title.
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-10-30 23:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This didn't just kick ass.
It launched it out of a 50-foot cannon into the sun.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-10-30 20:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-30 18:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. Bullshit, though, surely.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-30 18:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's called 'gaslighting' - Hitchcock did a pretty good movie about it
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the smell of creativity on uber.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing I have ever read. Expect it to be labeled in my favourites.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 16:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
emosewa saw sith
------------------------
failure
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 16:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
emosewa saw sith
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-10-30 16:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-30 12:26:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:44:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff kid. Glad you're still in the big race.
------------------------------------
And you, Jack my man.
------------------------------------
NAMBLA recruiting technique.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-30 14:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awful
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-30 14:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glorious!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-30 12:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:44:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff kid. Glad you're still in the big race.
------------------------------------
And you, Jack my man.
Submitted by bluemami (user info) at 2006-10-30 12:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that was an extremely funny post, but damn!!! that was mean ouch
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff kid. Glad you're still in the big race.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you'veonly yourself to blame when Karma bites you on the ass next life round.
Still funny though....NURGH! MY KARMA!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-10-30 10:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dub thee "Timecop II."
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-30 10:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-30 08:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Conversions Joey, conversions. For christ's sake, how do you expect me to know what the queen's money is worth? Good post.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-30 08:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post just got better and better, but the last line clinched it.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-10-30 06:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-10-30 06:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W anyone?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-30 04:31:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna say.....
ah hell, I think I should.
B@W
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:29:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mint! I fuckin' hate old people!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mint! I fuckin' hate old people!
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good.
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-10-30 05:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate miserable old people.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-10-30 04:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna say.....
ah hell, I think I should.
B@W
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-10-30 04:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-10-30 04:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
boring