The Bare (405 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by morontian (View user info) at 2006-10-30 10:36:52 EST
I knew something was awry when I woke up lying on my back. I never sleep on my back. Never. Lying on my back was not what had caused me to awaken as the very first rays of morning spread gently across the bedroom floor, however; it was the tickling. An infuriatingly light touch which I tried to brush away but couldn't because I was tied speard eagle to the four posts at the corners of the bed, my hands and feet bound with my pillowcases.
Not again...
I raised my head from the soft firmness of the matress just enough to give it a good shake. Feathers took flight all around me, first rising in a panicky little cluster, then floating lazily back down to encircle my head like a halo. As I was blinking my eyes in an effort to clear them of the sleepy crust that had dried there in the night, one particularly languid feather came to rest on the tip of my nose. I blew it away with a crossed brow and an irritated little huff.
"Mr. Evigan. Sadly we meet again," I heard from the foot of the bed. "How many times must we go through this, Mr. Evigan?"
I turned my head and looked sideways down the hall that leads to the bathroom. Sure enough I saw exactly what I had expected to see. The pillows had been removed from their cases and torn to shreds. Feathers were scattered everywhere. They were on the floor, on the bookcase and on the plants. As I looked around the bedroom I saw that feathers were also strewn all over the bed, the dresser and in the closet. There were even a few adventurous loners floating on the surface of the aquarium. I knew from experience that they would be all over the house and that I would have a full morning of cleaning ahead of me.
I let my head drop back to the matress with a resigned whump. "If it makes you so sad why don't you just go ahead and kill me and get it over with?" I asked the discorporate voice that had been somewhere around the area of my feet.
"No." I flinched the slightest bit when the voice answered right beside me, yet still out of view. "We aren't like you, you see. We aren't mindless, selfish, brutal killers."
"Oh for Christ's sa..."
"Spare us your platitudes, Mr. Evigan," the chicken said as she jumped up on the bed. "We've heard just about all the colorful language we care to hear from your sorry, simpering mouth. So why don't you just lay your head back and accept the punishment you've got coming to you?" The chicken had hopped onto my stomach. She started strutting slowly up my chest and digging her chicken talons cruely into my naked flesh. Her unblinking eyes drilled into mine as she delivered her lecture. "We've told you time and again, but you just don't seem willing to listen." She stopped. Her beak was less than an inch away from my nose. "Maybe this time we can get through to you..." She allowed her words to trail off as an impossible grin spread across her devilish chicken face. Then with a spread of her wings she led my eyes around the room.
I stared in horror as the room began to fill will all types of birds. Chickens, geese, ducks, turkeys, quail and emus started coming in from the hallway and from the open window on the dark side of the room. Doves pearched upon the bedposts and pelicans roosted upon the vanity mirror. I squeezed my eyes shut againts the unsightly parade of poultry and tried to escape into my mind to evade the foul stench of fowl. It was to no avail, as the chicken stepped onto my forehead and gently pried my eyelids open with its pointy toes.
The birds creepingly surrounded my bed as I laid splayed out before them. It was like a twisted scene straight out of "Gulliver's Travels." With looks of rage in their emotionless eyes, they began plucking feathers from their own bodies. Darting forward in unison, they began tickling me mercilessly. My feet, my sides, my chin - they all became torturous erogenous zones responding to the unrelenting teasing of sadistic avine (?). I giggled, laughed, and then broke into hysterics as the tickling continued. I heard them cackling all around me and tears began to slide down my temples and pool in my ears. The anguished laugh that tore itself from my throat eventually stole all breath from my lungs, and finally I escaped into a blessed blackness the likes of which I had never known.
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I opened my eyes and noticed that the light had undergone a change. It seemed to be around noon. For a second, I was disoriented and felt a wave of shock when I couldn't move my arms. Then all memory came crashing back and I screamed, "What the fuck, man?"
"Ah, Mr. Evigan. I see you have returned to us!" The chicken was pacing back and forth across the top of the dresser across the room, "Tell me, how do your sides feel after our little experiment this morning?"
"They are sore," I had to admit.
"Sore are they? As sore, maybe, as the sides oF ALL THOSE POOR BIRDS WHO WERE PLUCKED SO YOU COULD REST YOUR LAZY HEAD ON A NICE SOFT PILLOW ALL NIGHT?!?!"
I shrunk back against the matress, attempting to burrow deep and escape the wrath being thrown my way. It was to no avail. I was prone, and the chicken was well aware of the fact.
"Answer me!!"
"Ye... NO!!! Nowhere nearly as bad!!" I hoped I could play its game. Maybe I could even win.
"Very good. And how is your throat after all that laughing?" Mock sympathy crossed her face. "A bit raw, is it?"
"Very ra..."
"AS RAW AS THE THROATS OF ALL THOSE DEFENSELESS BIRDS AS THEY SCREAMED IN AGONY WHILE THEIR FEATHERS WERE BEING TORN FROM THEIR SKINS?!?!"
"....."
"I... I just don't think you fully appreciate what you have been a party to here, Mr. Evigan." The chicken raised its wings and let them fall back to its sides as it said this, pantomiming exasperation. "I think another example must be made today."
"No. No. Please, Mr. chicken..."
The chicken took flight in a blur and landed on my chest once again. It dug its talons deeply into my skin drawing fresh blood. "MISTER?!? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU, A BIG WALKING COCK?" She screamed in my face. "I, sir, am a hen. Female! And you just pissed me off!"
The birds that had been hiding out of sight under the bed flew up around me like a sqwaking cloud of death. Beaks dove to my head and plucked hairs viciously from my tender scalp. I felt my skin being ripped away, blood flying from my head in sprays. Wings battered my face. Suddenly I felt more hair being torn from my naked body. My testicles screamed as pubic hair was pulled free. My sphincter contracted as crack hairs were yanked out by the root. Beaks invaded my nostrils and removed an embarrassing amount of crop, and my eyebrows gained a versatility to match any woman's. The sqwaking sounded more like laughter than ever.
Eventually my entire body was picked clean. I looked like a six-foot tall newborn baby. The blood and sweat spattered on my pink skin looked like placenta, and I was wailing as if I had just experienced pain for the very first time.
Through my tears I saw the birds deposit all the hair they had pulled from my skin into a pillowcase. The rest of them stood back as an ostrich picked up the case and walked menacingly to the side of the bed. I began to plead, "No more, no more!! Please God, won't you ever stop?"
Quothe the chicken: "Nevermore."
The ostrich streched its considerable neck to its full height and brought the pillow of my own hair down on my face. It pummeled me repeatedly, BAM - BAM - BAM!!! I felt like the odd girl out at all those traumatic teenage pajama parties. The parties where pretty girls in silk nighties gang up on one poor, insecure peer during the pillow fight and don't let up until they've given her a complex. It was that horrible.
"Are you going to buy any more feather pillows, Mr. Evigan?"
"NOOOO!!!!!" I sobbed.
The beating intensified. "Are...you...going... to buy... ANYMOREPILLOWS,MR.EVIGAN?!?"
"NO!"
The chicken raised her wing signaling the ostrich to stop and step back. The lanky bastard was clearly out of breath and drained from the exertion.
"Well, for your sake I hope not, Mr. Evigan." A couple of penguins emerged and tugged at the pillowcases binding my wrists to the bedposts. My eyes narrowed in hate at them, I can tell you. Fucking penguins don't even have fucking feathers, man. What the hell interest do they have here?
The rest of the birds vacated the room in a flash, but the chicken stood cockily on the windowsill for just a moment. She surveyed my beaten, bloody, bald body and said to me, "Maybe now you know we're through clucking around."
She laughed maniacally as she dropped through the window and out of my life forever.
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Misery meets KFC. Very well done sir!
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-10-31 10:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really clucking good!
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-10-31 10:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, just like the good old days.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa.
This deserves a far higher rating and more reading! I'm not clucking with you here!
Submitted by BlueEagle (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
frikkin awesome.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-10-30 12:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was pretty funny.
and different.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-30 11:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I lost interest by the time I got to paragraph three.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-10-30 10:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-10-30 10:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck was this?! It's worth reading, but no more to me.