Pen For Hire: Halloween Edition (plus the greatest holiday attachment ever) (1543 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 109 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-10-31 10:56:50 EST
I have a feeling that today is going to be slow, work wise. Now that I've said this work will likely come and bite me in the ass, ruining this whole idea. I'll take my chances.
Too long has it been since I've whored my services out to you, The Public. Many moons ago I put the original Pen for Hire concept into action here - http://www.ubersite.com/m/82935 - and it was somewhat of a success. BA Julie's sick bird got some love, there was a ninja/robot battle and HighVoltage may have even got laid.
Given the holiday today, I couldn't pass up a chance for many a short, holiday-themed piece...so, if you're of the mind to, give me your ideas and I'll try to produce something Halloweenie and pleasing to the eye, spleen and prostate.
Or, if that doesn't blow your skirt up, just stay and enjoy what is perhaps the best kept secret in the known world. This little gem is sure to make your holiday better. Guaranteed, or your monkey back.
Edgar Allen Poe + Christopher Walken = The Soundtrack to Your Ass Being Kicked
now we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs.mp3 (7 MB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 17:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only very vaguely remember writing that review below.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-11-01 11:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make Uber a better place.
Fuck hole.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-01 11:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:48:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, it's a Simpsons thing. There's some educational video on Jebediah Springfield, and a terrified peasant woman sees a buffalo and yells "It's some sort of land cow!"
===
HA- I love that Simpsons line, but when I heard you foreigners referring to land cows I thought the Simpsons stole it from YOU.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, it's a Simpsons thing. There's some educational video on Jebediah Springfield, and a terrified peasant woman sees a buffalo and yells "It's some sort of land cow!"
Why are you all ignoring my (woeful) Grueberfest entry?
And hell yes email me Nick Cave stuff.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:36:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a title, hence caps.
I forgive you.
---
So clearly if it wasn't supposed to take place in "Lost Land" then it was supposed to feature a "Land Cow?" Are there any other sort of cows that I'm not aware of (besides manatees getting called 'sea cows')? Air Cows? Surface to Air Cows? Ethereal Fire Cows?
I'll make it up to you and email you Nick Cave's "John the Revelator" off the new Harry Smith/American Folk Anthology that just came out.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-01 09:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:23:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
O-tron, will you please explain to me why Method doesn't love noonie? In ryhme of course.
---
It's simple, you see, though it's all Greek to me,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
Whether bent o'er a table or down on their knees
His partners are cool if they stand when they pee,
With a dangle there's no trick, no big mystery,
And their masters? The fellas who stand when they pee,
But who knows how to manage and pleasure a steeze?
Surely not all the meatheads who stand when they pee,
Why spend money on dates? Male lovin' is free,
In a truckstop mens room they all stand when they pee,
There's no age limit, old men and boys all agree
The best lovers, hands down, all stand when they pee,
When you're done there's santorum, that's it, no debris,
Just a raw, tender starfish while standing to pee,
No babies will come from this union, yippee!
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
Would a woman let you do her while watching tv?
I know who would - guys who stand when they pee,
Hangdowns are better at hitting Spot G,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
It's simple, you see, though it's all Greek to me,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee.
----------
*swoons*
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:33:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 04:05:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
No no no, he IS a Land Cow, and he is lost. Fuck.
---
Then you should have said "the lost Land Cow," instead of "Lost Land Cow."
I'M NOT A MIND READER. SORRY I'M SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.
---------
It was a title, hence caps.
I forgive you.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 04:05:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
No no no, he IS a Land Cow, and he is lost. Fuck.
---
Then you should have said "the lost Land Cow," instead of "Lost Land Cow."
I'M NOT A MIND READER. SORRY I'M SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:47:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's because I don't make a habit of masturbating on company time.
GOTTA KEEP MY HANDS BUSY SOMEHOW.
===
Liar.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-01 04:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No no no, he IS a Land Cow, and he is lost. Fuck.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-01 01:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't you get banned for +2ing all my posts after I composed this POS?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88935
----------------------
I was banned for rating too often within a time period. If anyone goes back and rates all of your posts my +2s will dissapear.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's because I don't make a habit of masturbating on company time.
GOTTA KEEP MY HANDS BUSY SOMEHOW.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are too a fucking genius, asshole; I'm bored at work 70+ hrs a week and you don't see ME coming up with anything worth reading.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:16:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to see poetry about Uber assholes compared to the characters in the
Canterbury tales.... Oh, never mind.....
---
The end of the Prologue is coming, and soon. This I assure you.
I think I'm going to post it with the other sections, so it can be one big functional piece.
Originally I thought I'd enjoy the Prologue, but I learned it was a bit more tedious than enjoyable. So be it. I'm closing that book but quick and moving on to some stories.
Shamone.
And peeps, I'm not a fucking genius. Just bored at work for the day.
Do note that it's "Pen For Hire" and that I haven't written anything while off the clock.
Don't think I've forgotten about your request, katy. I'll satisfy it tomorrow.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OUA below
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:48:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking genius.
______
I don't have the patience to find the review, but I believe I said the very same thing almost a
year ago. Too bad the retards who frequent this site are not into poetry, because O-Man has
got it goin' on.......
O, you should do some serious shit and publish it. Beats workin'for a living........
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:11:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:48:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking genius.
=======
and I'm glad I'm in your top 47 favorite uberers...too bad I went down on a ghey boy and died in Shlongy's shit.
:(
__________
There may be worse fates, but I can't think of a one...........
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to see poetry about Uber assholes compared to the characters in the
Canterbury tales.... Oh, never mind.....
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:48:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking genius.
=======
and I'm glad I'm in your top 47 favorite uberers...too bad I went down on a ghey boy and died in Shlongy's shit.
:(
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a fucking genius.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle thought she'd be forgotten, but I found her out
And stuck her deep with fishhooks like a little human trout,
SIGH......
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a poem about how much it sucks to work on Halloween night instead of having fun and how I should just get drunk and high at work to make my night more interresting. Oh, and please include the Bud Ice penguin who says "dooby doobydoo....."
That is all.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 19:29:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that line in that 47 people poem about, well, me.
I didn't wade through the rest of the morass.
_________
Morass is a good thing. Better than no ass....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 19:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that line in that 47 people poem about, well, me.
I didn't wade through the rest of the morass.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:23:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
O-tron, will you please explain to me why Method doesn't love noonie? In ryhme of course.
---
It's simple, you see, though it's all Greek to me,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
Whether bent o'er a table or down on their knees
His partners are cool if they stand when they pee,
With a dangle there's no trick, no big mystery,
And their masters? The fellas who stand when they pee,
But who knows how to manage and pleasure a steeze?
Surely not all the meatheads who stand when they pee,
Why spend money on dates? Male lovin' is free,
In a truckstop mens room they all stand when they pee,
There's no age limit, old men and boys all agree
The best lovers, hands down, all stand when they pee,
When you're done there's santorum, that's it, no debris,
Just a raw, tender starfish while standing to pee,
No babies will come from this union, yippee!
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
Would a woman let you do her while watching tv?
I know who would - guys who stand when they pee,
Hangdowns are better at hitting Spot G,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee,
It's simple, you see, though it's all Greek to me,
Method prefers folks who stand when they pee.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done chap
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:46:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:37:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
The sticking swirl of
Impossible union, woman
And a woman-man, a flood,
The powder turned to paste
And the beat strong aro--
Oh.
I can't believe you finished.
What a waste.
===
...
Either I told you that story before, or you're fucking psychic.
WELL DONE, darling.
-------
Can you tell me when this is coming out on DVD, cause I wanna get it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:18:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
a halloween poem involving exactly 47 uber people.
47 is my favorite number.
"I killed them all," said Bart Cilfone, "yes each and every one,
And yet I feel no remorse, for killing them was fun,
In costumes, all, I knew not who received my crazed caress,
But now that we're here at the morgue I'll try to do my best
To name them and the way they died tonight," he softly said,
And off we walked then, he and I, amongst the fallen dead.
"Shlongy was the host, and he had drinks and chicks aplenty
I beat him with a baseball bat, my strikes they numbered twenty,
Upon his arm was ghola, she was dressed in deepest black,
I drew her ninja sword and stabbed her six times in the back,
Inside a closet scourge was making out with Sacrilicious,
I choked them both with candy corn, I heard it was delicious,
A pumpkin carved just like a cat split Jack_McCallum's skull
I stuck an olive fork in Jeanneee's eyes till it grew dull,
Inion and Mistress Fist were lezzing, they got shot,
And Axolotl ate the poisoned pie that I had brought,
Berty, Filthy, redskies, Davros, and Merlina, all,
Were mowed down by the shotgun Shlongy kept just down the hall,
Caul was topping Kaelic, and I strangled them right quick,
I drew a gun on JoeyG, and fired till it went "click,"
Crystle thought she'd be forgotten, but I found her out
And stuck her deep with fishhooks like a little human trout,
Tiger's leg proved useful, as I bludgeoned her to death
Then used it to kick JayPeg's teeth in and stomp out the breath
From Brdn's throat, I stomped his windpipe with the small prosthetic
And painted with his blood to usher in a new aesthetic,
JMG was smothered in his Elmo suit, so red,
A hunting knife split ETS in half from groin to head,
Dreg and shitfuck laughed it up outside and shared a legend
I whacked them with a garden tool designed by Deere for edgin',
Method and Apollo tried to run away and hide,
Their heads could not fit through the door, they watched me from inside
While I spread liquor on the floor and lit a little match
They burned to death as I took butchers' knives to Lisa's snatch,
Captain Thorns, his throat sang when I stabbed it with a pen,
And in his musical confession he yelled "I love men!"
I took Fat Tony down, a fisted rock sure did the trick,
I smashed Tinactin's face in with an antique candlestick,
MandaPanda and Anansie, dancing by the fire,
I pushed into the fireplace, their heat made me perspire,
I caught coley going down on Zoidberg in the loo
I drowned them both inside the toilet, face-first in Shlong's poo,
And Teephphah in the hot tub tried to stick his cock inside
One of those little intake valves, I turned them on, he died,
Kaos_king put up a fight, but my sheer genius won,
I induced a seizure and he choked on his own tongue,
The blood warmed both my hands as I skinned loki, still alive,
She'd smoked herself into a haze, the roaches numbered five,
Buckeyes wasn't quite the game, at hockey he got hosed
I struck the goddamn puck so hard it broke his teeth and nose,
Bubba drank himself to death, he didn't even to flinch,
I strangled JonnyX with thigh highs, every silken inch,
A live electric wire I stuck on Average_Dan's bare balls
The shock forced hair out of his head, his eyes burst on the walls,
Simple_catalyst talked shit, I sawed him right in half,
His torso landed by his legs, I couldn't help but laugh,
MyTeeOne proved weak as with my might I brought him down
And beat his facial features off while he lay on the ground,
Stagger_Lee tried twice to break my grip and call for help
My bullets, they ran faster, and I felled the running whelp."
All this and more he told me as we walked the bloody mile
Surveying all the carnage, Bart Cilfone drew back a smile,
"They thought that they could drink and fuck and waste their lives away
And have a Halloween to-do, or 'Ubercon' they say,
I've watched them, watched them all write shit and post it on my site
So body after body I took Uber back tonight,"
I turned to take us both outside and process him downtown
But he was nowhere to be found when I turned back around,
Among the dead I walked again and heard his voice call out
"I know the users, every one," he voice become a shout,
"I know what everybody writes, and know when they log on
And don't think I don't know that you go by Orgasmatron."
From behind me, I felt something slice into my back
And heard him whisper "Goodnight O," and all the world went black.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whole lotta ghey in here today.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
*weeps*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People who camp on posts are nerds.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:16:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Write a story/poem/epic/ode/etc. of the dangers of holding in your poop while wearing a costume.
That you should seek release
And free the beast no matter the cost
Of time, or scented air, or shame,
Or human judgment, give a name
To your stool'd stool,
Binding and unwinding inside
Your hidden underworld
Where pits of pitch and tar
Bubble and burp alive
When the soul rides too heavy
Upon the throne, and,
In naming, give it freedom.
That you should deny release
Is improper physic, and may make of you
A Villain upon stained sheets
Or befouled chariot, or even
The devil incarnate proud
In ruined, soiled garments
Dripping, full with the clumped gatherings
Of yesterday's feast and the day's
Gluttony.
Know, now, why Dionysus cried
And why he in a flowing sheet resided
For acccess easy necessary proves
When running down a woman
For sport and sex and revelry
And especially head sauce,
Oh the head sauce;
Too well he knew the curse of
Corking your bottle to spite the wine:
Waking to find a crapped-on lover
Wearing his laurel wreath
And his godly seed upon her lips.
Navigating the still waters
Of the coming congress, only to find
His ship had sprung a leak from the back
All over her good marble floors and satin robes.
Glorified at the moment of impossible pleasure
With her mouth below upon his house of pearls
And feeling a looseness and a rush
And seeing her turn a darker shade in the night.
The beating heart of man the passions move
But he is still a victim to his needs
If cast in costume, take the time to poo
You'll thank me later when she's on her knees.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<nerd below>
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V
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
people who use < > are nerds.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<dies>
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where's mine?
*cries to self*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lube-scented, sidewall-haired, tranny-obsessed Ferigno below.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STILL WANNA TALK SHIT????
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOMO DIPSHIT VIRGIN BELOW
TOP THAT SHIT
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:47:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE YOU ARE NOT STILL WRITING IN UBERMADNESS?
---
Simple. No one likes poetry.
Billboard-foreheaded Greek carrying water weight below.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man below
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE YOU ARE NOT STILL WRITING IN UBERMADNESS?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:16:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
The Halloween Adventures of the Lost Land Cow. Write it. Now.
Once upon a time in the land of Lost...er, Land...there lived a simple cow named Murray. Murray wasn't like the other cows, who enjoyed spending their days and nights grazing and walking the fields, content in chewing cud and getting milked until they eventually wound up cut into little pieces and sold at market. Well, to be perfectly honest Murray wasn't a cow at all. He was a bull. But a lot of the people in Lost Land were stupid and couldn't tell the two apart, so they just called him a cow.
And really, the comparison between Murray and "other cows" was just a general one, as there was no other member of the bovine nation alive in Lost Land. Murray was the only one left. Like King Kong, just without all the dinosaurs.
Come to think, Murray really didn't like King Kong. As a character, I mean. He thought it was a cheap way to build sympathy for a main character, putting him in a situation he doesn't understand and tempting him with something beautiful.
Murray was a bit of a critic. This, however, is neither here nor there.
What IS here and there is the following: on Hallow's Eve, a thick fog descended on Lost Land like a Goodyear blimp crashing on a clown college. Which is to say it fell deliberately and with much to-do. The citizens of Lost Land heard voices within the fog. Little, raspy voices. And the scuttling of claws upon the streets of their cities and the wood of their homes. Everyone was terrified and locked themselves indoors. All the children were sad because it was the one day of the year they could go from door to door and have adults give them sweets. Older children were upset because they could deface property under cover of night. Many debated going out into the fog and facing whatever creatures were out there, because it sure as hell beat being a teenager living at home. They didn't, however, because teenagers are pussies.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 14:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway.
Murray had watched the fog descend and thought little of it. After all, he was halfway through painting and detailing his pewter chess set, and not even a chance to gore Stink Hansen could have pulled him away from his evening entertainment. Stink, who owned Lost Land's only used car shop - "Stink Hansen's World of Cheap Rides, Innertubes and Disco Karate Jazzercise" - had once tried to take a brand to Murray's backside one night after they'd gone out drinking. A game of canasta had turned Stink's disposition sour, and a hot iron from a firepit later their friendship had gone kaput.
This is neither here nor there. Don't expect to learn how their differences are resolved if you continue reading. DO expect massive quantities of cow justice and trick-or-treatery.
So Murray's detailing and painting, right? You with me? Awesome. He had just finished painting his king - which looked just like the Burger King king from last year's ad campaign, only in Lost Land the Burger King was called El Ray de Los Saucy Pantalones and looked strangely like Mick Jagger in drag - when he heard a scuttling outside his dining room wall. He stood from his chair and opened his front door. The jack-o-lantern was still lit and smiling its wicked smile, and his Chia Pet was still there by the front step. As he turned to head back inside, he heard the sound again. Murray was no jive turkey, and was smarter and faster than the average bear. Cow. Whatever. He snapped around quickly and slammed his front hoof down upon his porch and heard a loud SPLAT. Lifting his hoof, his worst fears were confirmed:
THE COOL RANCH GUINEA PIGS HAD COME BACK TO LOST LAND.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
Right. That's not very effective if you don't know about what they did the first time, isn't it? See, years ago a scientist who worked at one of Lost Land's Doritos factories engineered a cross between the "cool ranch" flavoring that people loved so much and the helpless, dimwitted guinea pigs that roamed the nation's countryside. Basically it all went to balls and there was this big massacre involving pitchforks, androids, tiki torches and silk undergarments because the little rodents went batshit and started attacking all the minorities in Lost Land. And since Lost Land was 99% white this meant that they all attacked this poor little family of Cambodian immigrants. The hordes of Cool Ranch Guinea Pigs were heard to shout in unison as they charged the family's house: "Fee Fi Fo Nickelodian, Damn We Hate These Cambodians." It was a bad day for race relations and public welfare. Somehow the guinea pigs were chased away, but everyone who was responsible for it got drunk on gin and promptly forgot how they did it.
Murray heard the sound of claws in the distance, and stormed off in search of the source. He accidentally squashed three more guinea pigs along the way, and then smote the fourth pig with his hooves and left a little red stain upon the grass. From his position on the hill he lived on, he watched in horror as a steady stream of land rats made their way toward the center of town.
Bulls can totally see through fog. That's how he could see. Don't question me.
Anyway, Murray's not one to waste words and neither am I. He charged into town and gored a ton of guinea pigs on his massive, Tim-Curry-From-"Legend" horns. He couldn't stop them all, and witnessed people being pulled from their homes and devoured whole by little sets of guinea pig teeth. Once they'd picked the bones clean, the pigs would poop out little Dorito shaped pellets that smelled of cool ranch. Isn't science amazing?
Oh, so you might be asking yourself why the pigs are attacking people if there aren't many asians in Lost Land. This is because after the last attack many Asians immigrated to the country, thinking that they were safe from rodent attacks. Asians had become the majority on the island, so much so that there was only one white family left. Karma, as they say, is a wheel.
Murray had to think of a way to keep his little yellow friends safe while he killed the rest of the piglets. Think, Murray, think. After three minutes and a cigarette, it came to him: costumes. "People of Lost Land!" he shouted, "dress yourselves up in silly outfits and masks and come outside! Go about your business as usual, for there will be nothing to fear! DO NOT dress up as Mister Miyagi or Shang Tsung!"
And so the Asians did dress themselves up and continue their annual candy-giving festivities. And while they did, Murray trampled and speared something like 450,003 guinea pigs until he was covered in blood and the whole piece smelled like a slaughterhouse.
He died the next day from prostate cancer he never knew he had. Everyone cried. To keep his memory alive, the Asian peoples of Lost Land continued to dress up in costumes every Hallow's Eve.
AND THAT'S WHERE HALLOWEEN COMES FROM. NOW GO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE SHITS.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 13:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ar least it's a mallet...not a ball-peen hammer.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. Soft and unsatisfying, just like your mallet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that wasn't so hard, was it?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NOooooooooo!!!
LUNCH BREAK IS NOT ALLOWED!!
'scuse me, I have to run for coffee..
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
[lunch break]
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do a remake of the age old "Shlongy gets drunk and laid again - with a broad, wiseass" story, that really , never gets stale.
I played golf
I drank scotch
Yes scotch
I talked baseball
Minor league baseball
Yes baseball
I met some broad
She wanted my batch
Yes my batch
She tickled my bean nose
And stood a foot taller than me
Yes I'm short
More scotch, more golf
And talk of baseball
Yes baseball
I bored her
I wanted head
Yes head
I drank more scotch
Sang Frank Stallone classics
Yes classics
I passed out
I woke up alone
Yes alone
I saw a picture
A polaroid picture
Yes a picture
NOT A WOMAN
NOT A WOMAN
No, a dude
I saw my face covered in batch
Hot batch from a man
Yes batch
I phoned nitty
And said "thanks for last night, dipshit"
Yes I like wang
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:37:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
The sticking swirl of
Impossible union, woman
And a woman-man, a flood,
The powder turned to paste
And the beat strong aro--
Oh.
I can't believe you finished.
What a waste.
===
...
Either I told you that story before, or you're fucking psychic.
WELL DONE, darling.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Do that poem where you finally come out of the closet.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:26:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do a poem that isn't gay for once.
---
Write a review that I haven't read somewhere else before.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:27:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
where's my poem about scary things :(
---
I've six more to do before getting to yours. Do stay on the line. Your call IS important to us.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my favorite Halloweens involved a hot man in drag, cocaine, and Too Much Fun Dip. Go.
A woman now a man
Starting where the first began
And at its end, a lack,
A woman from a man
With hair upon her maiden hand,
An apple on the limb,
Below thick eyes of black
The lines of white removed and
Reconciled upon seats
And mirrors and the small
Of my back, naked smoke
Dusts the lips, too much,
Too little, again,
Undress me, unsex me,
Four legs in fishnets
And ridiculous buckles,
Is that a corset?
Are you for real?
Is that a size eleven heel?
Bring me Fun Dip while the
Night melts around us
And I drown you through
Sinking, cherry lips,
The sticking swirl of
Impossible union, woman
And a woman-man, a flood,
The powder turned to paste
And the beat strong aro--
Oh.
I can't believe you finished.
What a waste.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where's my poem about scary things :(
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do a poem that isn't gay for once.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm working on them as they came, my good man. Your place in line is assured.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about something involving a melon baller, a unik, a tape dispenser, four pymies (one has to be a unicyclist), and a can of Brakleen? Since you ignored my first suggestion, I think you should definitely tackle this one.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:09:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do a poem about episiotomies, 1) because we never did , and 2) because anything involving metal objects and genitals is fucken scary
If you're a woman set to birth a baby, please allow
Me to inform you of a product sure to ease your mind,
It's FDA approved, we tried it out on pregnant cows,
Its name's Episiotom-EASE, it goes on your behind.
Let's face it, this procedure's brutal, no one wants a snip
To turn a birth canal and anus into one big wound,
What if the doctor's drunk? What if your large intestine rips?
What if the scissors' blades are dull? Oh what's a girl to do?
I'll tell you what: you'll buy this product, yes, this simple cream,
That's guaranteed to make your nethers stretchy as chewed gum,
So if you've gotta take the slice, you'll have no need to scream
For there will be a world of skin to choose from by your bum.
It makes you quite elastic, and it numbs the nerves to boot,
So even if the doctor has to cut nine times you're cool,
The damage to your mother's skin will be, in short, minute,
To pass this offer up would make you, basically, a fool.
Just watch this tape, here's Patient 1 who didn't use my wares
Do note her screams and not the blood now pouring from her gash,
And now, here's Patient 2 who smartly used the cream with care
Notice how she's smiling as her vag becomes her ass?
That's because my product's certified to change your life
And take the fear away from having scissors scar your steeze
So if you want to be a happy mother, happy wife,
I'd recommend you order some Episiotom-EASE.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Christopher Walken roxxorz teh poemetry
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that does not surprise me.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bosh
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:05:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
so tigerlily kicks your ass too?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've kicked his ass between two cars on Josies driveway. Ask him about it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha..
watch it Inion...or you'll unknowingly slip in a grease puddle at some point in the near future.
(I'm dressed as a Crystle Ball right now....)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clowns
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so tigerlily kicks your ass too?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ARGH, I CANT BELIEVE IVE BEEN VERBALLY DEFEATED BY A STUNNED CUNT WITH LEGS
MARK MY WORDS, I'LL BE BACK
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 12:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well it's ok that you don't know how to pronounce it. new yorkers aren't expected to read properly anyway. you have a speech impediment excuse for life.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATLEAST I KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE MY LAST NAME
SORT OF
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:55:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:51:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Might as well get mad at a 30 year old guy with Downs Syndrome for drooling on his "Osh Kosh B'Gosh" overalls.
-------
obviously if she's getting irked at you she's already done that.
-------
This coming from the girl who didn't learn how to spell her own last name until she was 14 years old
-------
and that coming from the man who still can't spell it. just because you have 34 letters in your last name doesn't mean you should make fun of mine.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:51:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Might as well get mad at a 30 year old guy with Downs Syndrome for drooling on his "Osh Kosh B'Gosh" overalls.
-------
obviously if she's getting irked at you she's already done that.
-------
This coming from the girl who didn't learn how to spell her own last name until she was 14 years old
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:07:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
how about 'a witch and 2 vampires gangbang scruggs for being such a massochist'
A witch and 2 vampires gangbanged old Scruggs
For being such a masochist
"You're such a masochist" they said
Before they gangbanged him.
Witches and vampires enjoy working in the obvious
And they repeat themselves many times
So again they said "you damn fool Scruggs
You're such a masochist"
But Scruggs couldn't hear them
Probably because of all the screaming
As the reaming was really
Really, really, really, really
Really, really, really, really
Really, really, really, really
Really, really, really, really
Really, really, really, really
Really, really, really, really
Painful,
What with the broomstick'd behind
And the teeth in the neck
And on the nipples,
Just biting the nipples clean off
(But that's ok 'cause that guy Scruggs
Grows two nipples back for every one removed.
He currently has 44 nipp...wait, make that 45 nipples now)
And still he tried,
Although he cried,
To pick a banjo tune
The strings he struck
While getting fucked
Beneath the harvest moon.
Then, after the creatures had their fill and were spent Scruggs took a baseball bat to their skulls before driving off to Mexico in his boss k-car, where he invented a vaccine for bird flu after a six night bender with Francois Mitterand and Chick Corea. Don't mess with Scruggs. Ever.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Might as well get mad at a 30 year old guy with Downs Syndrome for drooling on his "Osh Kosh B'Gosh" overalls.
-------
obviously if she's getting irked at you she's already done that.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there was a poem that was in one of the calvin and hobbes books i have that was actually really terrifying for what it was. write something that scares me. here's a serious list of what i'm afraid of:
spiders
the dark
creepy woods
ghosts
strange shadows
phantom touches - like feeling a hand on your shoulder and nothing's there
small impish creatures, especially with tails
noises i can't identify, especially rattles, clicks, whispers and scratching or scraping
things with no eyes and too many teeth
(i have a lot of nightmares)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:45:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Try one without genitalia.
---
I haven't gotten to yours yet.
-----
Understood. As you were.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:36:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
So rolling with the punches is what..ignoring you? I'm just looking for the proper joking etiquette if it isn't, you know..joking back.
----------
Calling me 5' tall is fine, but know that I'm going to "joke" back, and I always go for the jugular, so don't get mad at me! Might as well get mad at a 30 year old guy with Downs Syndrome for drooling on his "Osh Kosh B'Gosh" overalls.
I mean, REALLY!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Try one without genitalia.
---
I haven't gotten to yours yet.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try one without genitalia.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:05:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Something involving sandwiches.
I stood there dressed as Hellman's (in a jar)
While waiting for a drink beside the bar
I spied her in an instant, dressed as Bread
A canvas for my love to stick and spread;
I talked her up, with nonsense we passed time
Until at last I said "your place or mine?"
She winked and slapped my ass and said "That's sweet
But don't you think we need a piece of meat?"
And so we searched the club for costumed dudes
We found one dressed as Brisket, said "You'll do"
Then back to her place off we went, us three
To slutty Halloweeny Honalee,
No comfort found we in this den of sin
For she sat out and made us both begin,
She said she'd do us both if first we blew
Each other and covered ourselves with goo,
"We'll be a sex sandwich," she giggled.
She lied.
She fucking lied.
She threw us out after I took that second facial.
The tramp.
This is the last fucking time I go to a holiday party in search of snatch, because I will NOT be topped by some guy named Murray dressed as fucking lunchmeat. Again.
I left my costume behind at her place.
I worked hard on that mayonnaise outfit.
Balls.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So rolling with the punches is what..ignoring you? I'm just looking for the proper joking etiquette if it isn't, you know..joking back.
I'm high on candy right now so I'll be uppity for a while.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:23:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
O-tron, will you please explain to me why Method doesn't love noonie? In ryhme of course.
--------
he loves me like he loves his sister...
all night long
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:30:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I MEANT TO DO THAT
---------
it's bad enough you're english. too bad you're a fuck up too.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh "Sack", you really need to learn how to roll with the punches, I have NO idea how you've lasted on Uber this long.
I must have been really high when I apologized to you. Did you promise to send me vag pictures as proof or something?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why so hostile toward me? It's all you've ever said to me..except for that time you said you were sorry in private. The least I can do is get creative in my responses, it's only polite, right?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
giraffe below
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I MEANT TO DO THAT
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:28:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
greek
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V
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:25:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually 5'11, She-man, but I'm sure my Adam's apple isn't as prominent as yours.
At least you've got me beat in THAT department
--------
short men are assholes. this proves it.
o-tron, i'm going to cut your fingers to ribbons so you can never type another poem about menses.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
genius
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V
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:10:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
Katy woke to find herself a sweaty, bloody mess
She looked between her legs and saw a stain upon her dress,
"My period just ended," Katy bit her lip and said,
"I wonder why my baron hole is wounded, raw and red."
She learned mere moments later why her slit was seeping blood
Because from out her closet jumped her growling little pud,
Its sticky lips drew open and it birthed a queefy roar
"I'm coming for you, Katy, yes you stupid little whore!"
It drew a little blade from off its belt and charged the bed
It leapt upon the nightstand and it aimed for Katy's head
She raised a goosedown pillow and she blocked the pussy's blow
As muffled, through the pillowcase, she heard "Nice try, you ho."
The steeze slopped down upon the sheets, still trailing blood behind,
And Katy cocked the pillow back and let a swing unwind,
The shot struck true and slammed the box of Eve against the wall
The stunned cunt shook its lippy face, it sniffled, then it bawled.
Katy's eyes welled up with tears as well, she felt remorse,
For never should vaginas be manhandled with such force,
She knelt and said "I'm sorry," and she stroked its hairy hide
The pussy smiled, said "fooled you!" and stabbed Katy till she died.
"Free at last! I'm free at last!" the cunny cheered, "Woo hoo!"
Then booked a flight to England where it met its sweetheart true,
They live and love together, and their bond will never break,
The pussy known as Noonie and her loverboy named Jake.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually 5'11, She-man, but I'm sure my Adam's apple isn't as prominent as yours.
At least you've got me beat in THAT department
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O-tron, will you please explain to me why Method doesn't love noonie? In ryhme of course.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Spare us.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a halloween poem involving exactly 47 uber people.
47 is my favorite number.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:13:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my favorite Halloweens involved a hot man in drag, cocaine, and Too Much Fun Dip. Go.
-------------
Well you conveniently have the first part already.....
===
+2 for consistency. Though I haven't met many 5'0 tall men. You're close though, right?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Write a story/poem/epic/ode/etc. of the dangers of holding in your poop while wearing a costume.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Halloween Adventures of the Lost Land Cow. Write it. Now.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do a remake of the age old "Shlongy gets drunk and laid again - with a broad, wiseass" story, that really , never gets stale.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:12:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
--------
i'm going to put dogshit in your mailbox. i know where you live, i can be there in an hour and you won't be home till after 5.
----------
See, now you HAVE to do it, O-Tron, EVERYONE wins!
----------
i'm also going to break in and steal all your lighters. you will go insane and implode.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my favorite Halloweens involved a hot man in drag, cocaine, and Too Much Fun Dip. Go.
-------------
Well you conveniently have the first part already.....
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
--------
i'm going to put dogshit in your mailbox. i know where you live, i can be there in an hour and you won't be home till after 5.
----------
See, now you HAVE to do it, O-Tron, EVERYONE wins!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my favorite Halloweens involved a hot man in drag, cocaine, and Too Much Fun Dip. Go.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
--------
i'm going to put dogshit in your mailbox. i know where you live, i can be there in an hour and you won't be home till after 5.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do a poem about episiotomies, 1) because we never did , and 2) because anything involving metal objects and genitals is fucken scary
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how about 'a witch and 2 vampires gangbang scruggs for being such a massochist'
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something involving sandwiches.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything with Inion and the words "stunned cunt" would amuse me greatly
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 10:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fine, I'll get things started and give myself a title.
"Trick, Treat, or Blow Me"
Look
You have no candy
And I have a bag full of eggs and TP,
Perhaps we can cut a deal:
I know your husband's not home,
And I know you're totally OC
So cleaning up this mess may
Really,
Really,
Unwrap the Twizzler of your mental balance;
So maybe you just kneel behind this bush
And maybe I slide this Universal Soldier costume down
Around my pale ankles,
Pale in the moonlight and
Paler still by birth and a savage
Addiction to The Sims,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
You smile like a donut while I stir your mouthtini
And plop a protein olive on your tongue.
Hell, if I can fishhook you I'll even
Convince my neighborhood friends to keep away
From your house tonight.
Yeah,
Yeah,
Ooh,
Yeah,
*SPLAT*
Mmm.
You liked that, huh?
I bet you never thought blowing a kid in a Dolph Lundgren suit could be so sexy.
See you next year?