LIVING CONTRADICTION: The Introduction (380 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.08 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by livEvil (View user info) at 2006-10-31 15:26:46 EST
This is part of a story that I wrote. I broke it up in parts that seem to go well enough on their own but take on a different meaning once you have them all together. I'm submitting this as a test run to see how it will be received. If it doesn't go well I won't bother with any follow-ups. Your criticism will be much appreciated.
"FUCK YOU!" He said right before pulling the trigger of that .38 special. It was as if he didn't have an audience, but yet he knew that they'd be listening.
*************************************************************
Let's go back an hour. Let's go back to a happier/sadder time. "What's the difference?" he said to himself. "One hundred years from now, a thousand years from now, How much will really matter?"
He was a slight pessimist/optimist. No matter how you take it, he was still smart. He was still me.
He took that last swig of beer. He took that last puff of smoke. He took that last line of coke. Better yet, he took the last of me.
He loaded up the gun while unloading his mind. He knew he'd only use one shot but he felt the need to fulfill the satisfaction of filling in every hole. It was as if he'd be filling every void, vacating every shadow.
He didn't have much to live for, but wished he had more to die for. As sad as it was, he didn't have much but me.
He didn't care, yet cared too much. He was a living contradiction. Of that, he didn't give a fuck. He knocked on wood but failed at luck. He wished that he was me...
...TO BE CONTINUED
User Reviews
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
He loaded up the gun while unloading his mind. He knew he'd only use one shot but he felt the need to fulfill the satisfaction of filling in every hole. It was as if he'd be filling every void, vacating every shadow.
--
Does this mean he is loading every chamber of the revolver (and I have to ASSUME it is a revolver since you do not specify what kind of gun it is) or he is going to shoot himself in the eyes, ears, nostrils, mouth, penis and rectum?
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is probably the worst bit of the story. In the end, the guy was going to attempt to shoot himself to end his life. Eventhough he only needed one bullet to do so, he felt the need to fill every chamber of the gun. It would've made more sense if you knew the whole story and perhaps if I structured it differently. And yes, I said .38 special(I noticed you saw that after asking your question). I also added that picture to represent the chamber of a revolver. I didn't use the word revolver because I didn't want to spoon-feed information.
I'll keep all these things in mind next time I write a story. Afterall, if my audience doesn't understand where i'm coming from then there's no sense in writing. Thanks again, jack.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:31:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't like the flow. You tried a Clockwork orange thing where you start halfway through the storey, then try to explain the beginning. It may have been better to start at the top, getting your flow, then breaking it down once you've written it.
--------------
Thanks, I appreciate your imput. I did finish most of it. I just have to tweak some things. I guess I didn't put enough on this post for people to really understand.
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't like the flow. You tried a Clockwork orange thing where you start halfway through the storey, then try to explain the beginning. It may have been better to start at the top, getting your flow, then breaking it down once you've written it.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
possible overuse of the sylabbles ful/fill
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack, my last reply was very rushed so I apologize if it didn't make sense. I'm actually on my way out of work. I haven't forgotten about your other question. I'll get back to it tomorrow.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
He loaded up the gun while unloading his mind. He knew he'd only use one shot but he felt the need to fulfill the satisfaction of filling in every hole. It was as if he'd be filling every void, vacating every shadow.
--
Does this mean he is loading every chamber of the revolver (and I have to ASSUME it is a revolver since you do not specify what kind of gun it is) or he is going to shoot himself in the eyes, ears, nostrils, mouth, penis and rectum?
===
HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAAAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA +2 FOR THAT
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I AM trying to be a cunt here.
This stunk on ice.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:25:35 (#)
Ranking: -1
Not trying to be a cunt here, but if you want criticism...
This is a few lines. Where is the hook? Where is the sympathetic character? Why should we care about a few snippets of vague description?
You need to proof read... and you need to read a lot of fiction by a variety of writers. Once you've done that you'll see this is a pretty shoddy writing job.
Again, I'm not being a malicious cunt. You wanted honesty. You got it.
I'm sure a lot of people will laugh at the thought, but writing takes hard work. You can't just throw together a few lines and hope the reader 'gets it,'
------------------------------
Thanks for the criticism, jack. That actually means a lot more to me than ratings because it gives me a chance to imrpove and refine my work. There actually is no hook... yet. The way you view this piece is exactly what I was going for when I posted it. I just wanted to throw in the beginning and open up your imagination as to where it's going to go. It wasn't supposed to have a climax, conclusion, or even a sympathetic character... That's actually why I included the "To be continued." I wanted it to make you wonder and hopefully (eventhough I failed you) make you want to read more and see where it was going. I attempted to win you over simply with the style of writing. My vagueness was purely intentional. Again, I appreciate your criticism.
Like I said before, my posts usually get shot down by haters like jonny and oath before they get to see daylight. I Didn't want to put it all into this post for no one to read it. I'm glad you did, though.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Okay, my bad. You mention .38 special, but for the layman you should mention that it is a revolver as opposed to an automatic pistol.
My question about which holes are being filled still stands, though.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He loaded up the gun while unloading his mind. He knew he'd only use one shot but he felt the need to fulfill the satisfaction of filling in every hole. It was as if he'd be filling every void, vacating every shadow.
--
Does this mean he is loading every chamber of the revolver (and I have to ASSUME it is a revolver since you do not specify what kind of gun it is) or he is going to shoot himself in the eyes, ears, nostrils, mouth, penis and rectum?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Not trying to be a cunt here, but if you want criticism...
This is a few lines. Where is the hook? Where is the sympathetic character? Why should we care about a few snippets of vague description?
You need to proof read... and you need to read a lot of fiction by a variety of writers. Once you've done that you'll see this is a pretty shoddy writing job.
Again, I'm not being a malicious cunt. You wanted honesty. You got it.
I'm sure a lot of people will laugh at the thought, but writing takes hard work. You can't just throw together a few lines and hope the reader 'gets it,'
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:54:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:50:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see more..
------------------
Thanks...
I was planning on it but most of the stuff that I actually put effort into gets shot down before anyone can read it.
-----
Gee, I wonder why that is?
You actually put effort into your posts? Why? No one ever reads what you have to say anyways.
Stick to handing out -2s - it's the ONLY thing in this world you're good at.
p.s. - you live on Capital Hill, right?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daddy like.
Daddy liiike.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:50:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see more..
------------------
Thanks...
I was planning on it but most of the stuff that I actually put effort into gets shot down before anyone can read it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see more..