I have butt piles, please advise (754 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2006-10-31 15:27:44 EST
I was tending to my enormous hemorrhoids the other day when I noticed the packaging indignantly insisting I only apply the cream in and around my anus.
Dutifully I immediately stopped treating the piles on my face and turned my attention to the lower half of my body.
"Wait" I thought out loud using my mouth. "Who the hell are you to tell me which piles to treat?"
I placed the tube firmly in my face and swallowed it with all the angst I could muster. "That'll teach you, you fuck!" I thought- this time not vocalising my thoughts to avoid vomiting the ointment encrusted twisted metal container onto my bathroom floor and therefore losing the argument.
The hemorrhoid cream was clearly not impressed but its retort was limited so I continued with my day.
I left the house to discover my car simply would not start; I cooed to it gently and stroked the silky dash to no avail. Like so many women it would not turn on. The recovery man arrived with a rosy face, sat in the driver's seat and started the car; He strolled away like he had just satisfied my wife.
I was so irked I squoze toothpaste in his eyes and ran over his head. His name was sullied and his face a whole new shade of angry but I threatened to contact his base, he yelled "protect the queen" and drove away. With the potentially violent situation averted I drove away.
I arrived at the office a happier man. Basking in the warm glow of the electrical lighting I found a renewed sense of well being. I sat back in my plush office chair only to discover that someone had initiated my screen-saver. I leapt around in a rage that made me shit my pants.
"Whom has initiated my screen saver?" I yelled in a grammatically incorrect fashion slapping myself in the face in disbelief.
A small mongoloid gnome hid in the bin under my desk chuckling. I emptied the bin with gusto but the small gnome did a victory dance on my keyboard spelling out the words "SHIT ARSE" in capital letters. It seemed a remarkable coincidence that particular arrangement of words was my least favorite in the world. Ever. Period. I'm not even joking and I'm not on my period.
I was so disgruntled that I shot lasers out of my eyes but missed the gnome by a clear foot and a half! I know this because he measured the distance with each blast whilst holding a score card with a dissapointingly low number on it and singing that bloody Razorlight song at me.
"All my life, watching America" it sang, "All my life there's panic in America".
By this point I was livid, we weren't even in America!... As if hearing that fucking song each time I switched on the radio wasn't bad enough, I now had a mongoloid gnome initiating my screen saver and serenading me with it. Well I wasn't going to take this lying down.
I carefully lay down on the floor and waited till the gnome had finished singing... oh wait... I did take it lying down!
After a long hard stretch at work I left the office highly dissatisfied with my day.
Upon my arrival home I passed the hemorrhoid cream. We didn't exchange pleasantries and anecdotes as we crossed paths you understand. I had of course eaten it earlier that day. The other kind of passed.
Technically the hemorrhoid cream had won the argument.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-25 20:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-11 07:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-11-03 11:37:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
minus2 my post will you ass hole.
I'm off to Ebay...
_________
Fuck you faggot.
What kind of Oathmeal retal -2's?
You're shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I forgot to write this back in 2006 but kiss my cock you rabid cunt. I will "retal" (sic) minus 2 all I like because you are nobody. Good luck with being a great big nobody.
P.S I'm sorry I was just trying to get back on the MRR because I'm a toss bag.
-P
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-11 07:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-11-03 11:37:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
minus2 my post will you ass hole.
I'm off to Ebay...
_________
Fuck you faggot.
What kind of Oathmeal retal -2's?
You're shit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-03 21:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-11-01 06:42:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
This for some reason reminds me of the apollo we used to know, before he his end away. """
that doesn't make any sense you hairy faced whore.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-11-03 11:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind the Bullocks, this was easily one of the most entertaining posts on Uber for quite some time.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-11-03 11:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All that thought and effort I made putting this together and some little fuck tells me he's sorry he thought it was shit?
It was supposed to be shit you imbecile, I was raving on about Mongoloid Gnomes for craps sake. Much as this should appear on bored at work it would never make it. Bart ignores all British posts, especially those by me.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-01 17:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beefy!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-01 11:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:38:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
HA..HA..HA....HA... You said squoze.....HA...AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHRR!!!
HA!
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-11-01 08:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT ARSE!!!
THE GNOME WAS AMERICAN YOU FOOL. WHY ELSE WAS IT MEASURING YOUR LASER MISFIRES IN FEET AND INCHES YOU METRIC USING SON OF A BITCH?!!
SHIT ARSE!
SHIT ARSE!
SHIT ARSE!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-11-01 06:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This for some reason reminds me of the apollo we used to know, before he his end away.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-01 06:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-01 05:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry just plain thought this was shit
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-11-01 05:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty good, actually.
Did I write this for you?
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-10-31 18:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just spent half the day writing something so similar in style and substance, that I am not going to post it. EVER. You win this round. +2 since it is freakin' hilarious.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"squoze"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-31 17:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
-Jack
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am leaving this +2 with gusto.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-10-31 16:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA..HA..HA....HA... You said squoze.....HA...AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHRR!!!
HA!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Whom has initiated my screen saver?"
-----------------------------------------
I am spasming with laughter.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
butt piles
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plop.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-31 15:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT ARSE