This Halloween is fucking depressing, so I think I'll rant between beers... (833 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.04 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jay Peg (View user info) at 2006-10-31 20:50:19 EST
I am at my fathers house tonight.
On Halloween.
And I am alone.
Why?
Well, my parents are at some church thing, my sister and her daughter aren't coming over because Lauryn is sick, and I promised to hand out candy to the little shits who knock on the door.
Why are these cock-fucks little shits this year?
I'll give you a hint.
More than HALF of them are coming up to the door in no more than sweatshirts and jeans. A few at least tried to pass themselves off as lazy teenagers, so I had to give them points for that.
Then I realized the fuckers actually were lazy fucking teenagers.
Bastards.
I've seen TWO costumes that looked like they took more than 5 minutes to make. One girl was dressed as a Christmas present...
I don't get it, either...
And another kid was dressed as Sherlock Holmes.
And I'm guessing the kid got his ass kicked when he wore that to school today.
But what's more depressing than these shitfaced teens and disaffected tweens coming to my door begging for candy without putting in a modicum of effort?
The parents who give even less of a shit.
At least 15 parents have just walked up, knocked and stuck out a bag.
A few of them actually pointed to kids on the sidewalk.
Guess how many of THEM were dressed up?
Not a single fucking one.
Kids OR parents, that is.
Here's another annoying thing.
Sure, it's 40 degrees in Denver tonight, but fucking hell, how lazy are these people? They're driving DOOR TO DOOR.
No, not driving to a block, and having the car follow them as they walk up and down the street, oh no.
They drive to a house, get out, knock, get candy, walk back and get in the car, drive another 40 feet, rinse and repeat.
And don't get me started on the fucking GREED of these people.
We made up bags of candy this year. 2 candy bars and a Smarties in each bag. The little kids are good, they're grabbing one. The kids older than say, 9? They're trying to dig in with their shovel like hands.
Fucking hell, we spent $75 on candy this year, it's not even 7PM yet, and I'm about ready to turn off all the fucking lights so I can run to Safeway and get raped for another few bags.
Next year, I swear to God, I'm going to dress up as a damned scarecrow, sit on the bench in front of the house, put the bowl of candy next to me with a note that says "Take one please, Happy Halloween" and if any fucker older than 10 tries to dig in, I'm gonna scare the fuck out of them.
Give them an awesome costume for the rest of the night.
"Greedy Bastard Who Shit Himself"
User Reviews
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-11 11:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95651
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-11-01 23:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I back this sentiment. What pisses me off even more than the fuckers who don't even bother dressing up is the assholes who go in these cheap ass Scooby Doo, Spongebob, or (worse) Dale Earnhardt. Here's an idea, you lazy little crotch fruit: if you're so unoriginal that you have to PAY for a costume, at least bust your cash on one of those sweet $150 silicone masks from Halloween Depot.
This is why I don't hand out treats anymore. I just hook the sprinklers up to the motion sensors and laugh my ass off watching the night vision camera.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:13:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
let me see, children are lazy and they want to get their hands on as much candy as possible. why would that suprise you, i have no idea. and why you'd slam them for doing so when you do the same thing as an adult is beyond me.
i hope you choke on your ham sammich.
-----
What do they give out to trick-or-treaters in Quebec?
Why, insults, of course!
THAT COSTUME MAKES YOU LOOK FAT
YOU ARE AN INSULT TO JEAN CHRETIEN
WHO MADE YOUR COSTUME, AMERICANS?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't live with them, I just live near them. We're a close-knit family, so I'm usually over there every Monday for dinner with the parents, my sister, and step-brother and step-sister and their families. (Used to be Sunday, but West Wing was cancelled)
And since I had done all my Halloween partying on Saturday night, I told them I'd do candy for them so they could do whatever church thing they had planned.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So...do you live with your parents?
I thought you were way to old for that shit, Jay.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
didn't make me smile, made me frown actually. on the way to school driving on residential roads i didn't pass ONE trick or treater. on the way back from school two hours later driving on more residential roads i didn't see any either.
i wanted to cry. even this morning there's no evidence of halloween having happened. there's a couple decorations on one house, but no tp, shaving cream, empty egg cartons, lost bits of costume, candy wrappers, pumpkins (smashed or whole) lying around anywhere. not even silly string.
i weep for my unborn children.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-01 10:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't really call Arthuer Dent a "costume" Apollo. It's just my standard lay-about clothes with a bathrobe and UPS thing added on. And when it's as cold as it was last night, I generally wear the robe, anyway.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave out candy to deserving patrons only, while I drank my beer on the porch. After my chinese food arrived, all kids who were panhandling without costumes got one piece of gum and either a soy sauce or hot mustard packet that had come with said chinese food.
I'm generous like that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You had nothing better to do so quit your bitching and hand out the fucking candy.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:53:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Arthur Dent.
So far, no one has gotten it...
-------------------------------------------------------
Maybe you should have gone with something a little more obvious.
Fat Bastard maybe?
"I'm gunna EEET you, BEBE! GET IN MAH BELLIE!"
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was drinking with neighbors a few town houses down, and I had put a basket in front of my house that said take one we are watching. It was funny to watch the little kids look around and reallly slowllly take one candy bar. I put a bunch of crap on my porch so I could have been hiding anywhere. I think some were actually dissapointed when nobody jumped out...
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-11-01 07:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the kids here were mostly good and had cute costumes. I noticed it's the really little ones who take a whole handful though when mom isn't looking. The big ones actually ask if they can take more than one.
We went through ten freaking bags of candy.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-01 06:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked on a photoshop thing, took a shower, and went to bed early. My wife woke me up to watch The Unit and I went right back to sleep afterwards.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-01 02:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when I was 13 I dressed up like a stuffed man and sat out with a bowl of candy, and waited for the neighborhood asshole teenagers to come up and try to take candy. I would grab their arms when they reached in.
fun times.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-01 02:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.... oh my. Somehow I think this isn't drunk so much as a sugar high he's on...
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Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:37:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahhahah
im a greedy uncostumd disaffected teen who was colelting candy for FREE tonight with my friends, the thing was all the girls swer dreseed up but all guys (3 of us) were just in regualr othes.
at least we walked a bout the city, isntead of fdriving!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-01 00:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:27:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:06:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
do you have a towel and a bathrobe?
holding a laptop might help.
-----------
I've got it AAAAAAALLLLLLLL. For the Guide, I'm actualy using an old UPS handheld thingie. Not the new palm sized one either, but one of the REAL old ones that were the size of 3-ring binders.
And on front, big red letters "Don't Panic"
I think it may be the legs, though. I couldn't remember if he was in shorts or sweats, but it's cold, so sweats won out. """
so - you are sitting in your dad's house, alone, wearing a costume?
You my friend are a true winner.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2006-11-01 00:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Every year, I give out rocks to kids who look older than 11.
They don't know it, because I keep them in the bowl with the candy, and stick my hand in the bag when I drop it in. You should have emptied your head and did what I do.
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One little boy who was no older than 10 told my wife "it's ok if you want to give us more candy, other houses have given us more candy" of which I promptly dropped a shit stained pair of whitey tighties in his bucket and dumped my piping hot coffee in his face, slammed the door and shut the lights out.
Halloween's over cunts....
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:32:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can at least sniff the candy bowl and stroke it to the aroma of wrapped chocolate.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
let me see, children are lazy and they want to get their hands on as much candy as possible. why would that suprise you, i have no idea. and why you'd slam them for doing so when you do the same thing as an adult is beyond me.
i hope you choke on your ham sammich.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 23:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:23:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude you get to sit around with mass quantities of chocolate all night. What's there to hate?
You should be in paradise.
-------------
Shit no man, it's HELL.
I can't eat any of it, man!
Fat man with chocolate by the pound and he's not allowed to have any? FUCKING HELL...
Besides, I ran out almost an hour ago, so now I'm sitting around, with the only light in the house being the computer screen...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahhahah
im a greedy uncostumd disaffected teen who was colelting candy for FREE tonight with my friends, the thing was all the girls swer dreseed up but all guys (3 of us) were just in regualr othes.
at least we walked a bout the city, isntead of fdriving!
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Take one please, Happy Halloween" and if any fucker older than 10 tries to dig in, I'm gonna scare the fuck out of them.
__________
DO IT
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude you get to sit around with mass quantities of chocolate all night. What's there to hate?
You should be in paradise.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I remember seeing a blooper reel someplace of a guy sitting on a porch dressed as a scarecrow. A man walks up onto the porch. The scarecrow jumps. The scared guy proceeds to unload about 4 jabs into the scarecrow's grill.
----------------
OK, so I'll have a fake head on, and look through peepholes in what looks like a shoulder or something.
:-)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No one trick or treats at my house. I can hear them three miles away, saying,
"A mean old fuck lives there. Stay away!!"
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bought 10 bags of brand name, little chocolate bars. They lasted 30 minutes, and I had to turn off the lights. It was raining here on Thursday night, so I wasn't too picky with the little shits as to what they wore or how much they took.
I remember seeing a blooper reel someplace of a guy sitting on a porch dressed as a scarecrow. A man walks up onto the porch. The scarecrow jumps. The scared guy proceeds to unload about 4 jabs into the scarecrow's grill.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do what I do. Cut the doorbell wires. Ignorance is bliss.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:06:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
do you have a towel and a bathrobe?
holding a laptop might help.
-----------
I've got it AAAAAAALLLLLLLL. For the Guide, I'm actualy using an old UPS handheld thingie. Not the new palm sized one either, but one of the REAL old ones that were the size of 3-ring binders.
And on front, big red letters "Don't Panic"
I think it may be the legs, though. I couldn't remember if he was in shorts or sweats, but it's cold, so sweats won out.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
see my comment below apollo
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:53:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Arthur Dent.
So far, no one has gotten it... ""
ahem
*I* am arthur dent.
i'm in an apartment in calgary but i have left instructions to my betrothed back in houston to, and i quote, 'tell the little niggers to fuck off'.
they don't even dress up.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Next year, I swear to God, I'm going to dress up as a damned scarecrow, sit on the bench in front of the house, put the bowl of candy next to me with a note that says "Take one please, Happy Halloween" and if any fucker older than 10 tries to dig in, I'm gonna scare the fuck out of them.
===========
I did that ten years ago and it was SO worth it.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time for a school book week I made a model Sherlock Holmes, made mainly of postage tubes etc. but with a papier mache head and hands. Apparently when my mum was driving back from school or something she had the dummy in the passenger seat and a toll-booth operator almost had a heart attack because Sherlock Holmes' face was such a pale white.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dressed as Sherlock Holmes a total of about ten times before I was 12, for various reasons.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to dress up as a damned scarecrow, sit on the bench in front of the house, put the bowl of candy next to me with a note that says "Take one please, Happy Halloween" and if any fucker older than 10 tries to dig in, I'm gonna scare the fuck out of them.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
60 minutes before I read this, I thought of doing that and knew it would be funny as hell.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:53:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Arthur Dent.
So far, no one has gotten it...
--------------------
That's because your head isn't big enough for the part.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going as Saint James the Great, patron saint of pharmacists.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you have a towel and a bathrobe?
holding a laptop might help.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-10-31 21:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i imagine any holiday that doesn't involve a feast depresses you
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a Crystle Ball...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Arthur Dent.
So far, no one has gotten it...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-31 20:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i am a fucking viking yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr