"You must die!" (431 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.46 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rodion Raskolnikov <rodyarask.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-11-01 11:59:25 EST
My cell phone is on strike again - it refuses to make noises of any
kind - so I have to use my computer as an alarm clock and wake up every
morning to "You must die," by The Bloodhound Gang.
I put the volume almost all the way up before going to bed and in the morning a very mean
voice fills the room, yelling "YOU MUST DIE! I ALONE AM BEST!"
Music follows, but by that point I'm usually out of bed, completely freaked
out, and armed with a sword which I now keep next to my bed for reasons
I'm not entirely aware of.
"You must die" are the first words I hear every day and as mentally unhealthy
as that is, so far it has been one of the few things consistently effective at not only
waking my ass up, but also getting me out of bed. I can sleep almost through anything,
but a death threat seems to work wonders. Kudos to the Bloodhound Gang.
Last night I had a problem falling asleep; I tossed around in bed for
a good hour before passing out. On top of that, I dreamed of such
ridiculous shit that I'm afraid to put it down on paper, but I
distinctly remember fighting either a gang of vicious midgets or children (not
exactly sure). They had huge red eyes and ridiculously big mouths,
filled with multiple rows of very sharp teeth, like sharks. At one point
one of them was trying to bite off my nose and looking inside that mouth
was like looking into a wood chipper.
Anyway, so I'm dreaming this shit and then out of nowhere, loud as hell, comes
"YOU MUST DIE! I ALONE AM BEST!" The midgets/children are gone, but completely
freaked out I jump out of bed and have to idea what's going on. There is a knock at
the door and instinctively I yell out "come in."
The girl that lives across the hallway walks in and freezes in the doorway.
I wake up and realize that I'm holding a pillow in my left hand (like a shield) and a
fork in my right; I'm in my underwear (briefs) and "YOU MUST DIE! I
ALONE AM BEST!" is chanting in the background at a deafening volume.
Awkward is not the word.
We had a moment as she stared at me, scared, and I stared back at her,
trying to think of a way to fix this. I tired to smile, but not sure if
it worked. One of her dogs (she has three) ran into the room and went
directly for my crotch. Before it could get to ball-licking distance,
the girl desperately screamed "LEO!" (dog's name) and was about to run
into the room after him, but thought better of it in the last second.
I could see she feared for her dog's life, but afraid to close any
distance. Leo was happy to see me and confused by his master's order to get
the hell away from me. He stood there, between us, wagging his tail.
For a while the three of us just stood there in silence. "Hey Leo," I
said and reached out to pet him (fork still in my hand), but the poor
girl screamed "LEO! GET over here!" so loud and with such desperation
that Leo ran out of the room.
She backed out and closed the door. It's a good thing she is moving out in 3 weeks.
User Reviews
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, you do realize this is fiction, right?
I am a nerd though ... and sexual insecurities do run high ... /cry
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more naked
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-02 05:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Only a real nerd/loser riddled with insecurity and lameness would feel a need to keep a sword next to their bed. I mean really what do you expect to fight off with it? Feelings of sexual inadequacy?
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-02 04:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is 100 million times better than that damned novel.
Thank you.
Submitted by selfishinequities (user info) at 2006-11-01 19:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-11-01 14:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that I read it again, it is quite repetitive. I should put more time into editing ... ok, I should start editing.
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I am here to improve my writing.
JonnyX: You need to go out and get laid, pal. You're way too much of an ass. Go get your willy licked and world will seem like a better place.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-01 14:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was entertained
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-11-01 14:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-01 13:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was NICE.
oh, and for the record:
JonnyX = un-funny, and un-interesting AND a giant fucking tool.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-01 13:18:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i see promise in your posts.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-01 13:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:02:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're like that Borat guy, only un-funny, and un-interesting.
Isn't that kinda repetitive?
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was very repetitive.
Also, you should watch that enter key. Your paragraphs are all fucked up.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:02:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I ALONE AM BEST!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:03:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
:)
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I ALONE AM BEST!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're like that Borat guy, only un-funny, and un-interesting.