Know Your Dough (317 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.44 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by prophet (View user info) at 2006-11-02 10:19:52 EST
"I keep my mind on my money, and my money in my shoe." - Julian Metter
Most people know that Washington is on the $1 bill, Lincoln on $5 notes, Hamilton on the $10, Jackson on the $20, Grant on the $50 and Franklin on the $100 bill. That's because most of us have at least seen a $100 bill at one point or another in our lives (unlike most of our neighbors South of the Border... that's right, the employees at Taco Bell.)
But do you know who's on the $500, $1000, $5000, $10000 and $100000 notes?
Did you even know that there was a $100,000 banknote in existence?
Truth be told, $100,000 is officially the largest denomination of standard US Currency, but has never appeared in general circulation (as they were only minted for figurative significance, used in transactions between Federal Reserve Banks- not surprising, since a robbery of any such transactions would provide the thief with completely a non-negotiable resource).
So who wins the $100,000 Pyramid of Presidential currency superiority? Which President has the honor of having his picture printed on the largest bill ever minted? The answer isn't "All of them, having a party... with Jimmy Carter passed out on the couch," as Homer Simpson would have you believe.
Perhaps the $100,000 President is William McKinley: this man served to rebuild the Republican Party in 1896 by rejecting divisive ethnic issues, promoting pluralism and rallying the financial community through his successful defenses of the Gold Standard. But no; although McKinley does fall in ahead of Benjamin Franklin- despite Franklin harnessing the power of electricity and using his outstanding diplomacy to secure the French Alliance that made our country's independence possible- McKinley ranks above old Ben with a spot on the prestigious (and from a logistical standpoint, fundamentally useless) $500 note.
Is the winner Grover Cleveland, only President to serve two non-consecutive terms, only Democrat elected to the Presidency in the era of Republican political domination between 1860 and 1912, first Democrat to be elected after the Civil War, leader of the only political party named after liquor (the Bourbon Democrats), and only President named after a muppet?
No, it's not- but in light of his achievements, and certainly not entirely unattributable to his adorable blue fur and puffy pink nose, you can find President Cleveland today on the back of the One Thousand Dollar Bill. Well, if you actually had a thousand dollars, and were dumb enough to convert it into a 3 x 6 1/2 inch piece of paper to keep in your wallet, you could.
Surely, then, the Man of the Hour is 4th President of the United States James Madison: Father of the Constitution. Commander during the War of 1812 against Great Britain. Smoking buddy of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. Author of the Bill of Rights! But no, Madison appears on the face of the $5,000 bill: a curious denomination found circulating in the modern era only in Apple stores.
Is the winner Franklin Delano Roosevelt, commonly referred to as the finest US Commander in Chief ever to serve- 32nd President of the United States, the only President to serve more than two terms (we elected him for four of them), and benchmark for all other Presidents in both foreign and domestic affairs- the man who tamed Wall Street, provided the country with the Social Security system, and created the New Deal to bring us out of the Great Depression?
No, FDR gets the dime. His legacy is worth exactly ten cents to our country.
Now I know what you're thinking: after all this, we've eliminated just about everyone, so there's only really two viable possibilities left, right? To make things easier for both of us, I'll tell you straight off the bat: It's not Salmon Chase. He's actually on the $10,000 note, despite never having been heard of by any US Citizen, having no place in any history book, having served no term as President or even as a diplomat for the United States, and having the same name as Sega Genesis fishing game.
Which only leaves...
Bill Clinton!
Slick Willie is the $100,000 man, in honor of the financial rally and surplus his two terms in office brought to our beloved nation. Both the longest and largest boom in United States History, President Clinton's economic coup has finally earned him immortalization on the United States One Hundred Thousand Dollar Bill. It may be the saxophone, maybe it's that smile... or maybe it's just because most married men get bored of their wives and every decent fella's fucked a fatty from time to time, but just about everyone can relate to The Horndog.
Well, no... actually, Woodrow Wilson is on the $100,000 bill. It's a little anti-climactic, I know. I guess he invented the Federal Farm Loan Act or something. Basically, the boys down at the Treasury finished designing the back side of the bill, and said, "Screw it, all the good presidents are taken. Just grab that alphabetical index of presidents and pick somebody way in the back."
So the next time someone asks you, "Do you know who is on the $100,000 bill?" you can reply, with full confidence, "Oh, right... I read something on a weird little website about that once... yeah, it's this, um... this guy. I don't know. Nobody memorable."
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-02 14:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:44:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
and DANG UM has taken a toll on my ratings! I was at 1.52 or something before...
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THAT's what it was? I was wondering why my rating was dropping. I thought it was just because people who gave me +2's were getting their ratings taken away.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2006-11-02 14:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:42:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Salmon P. Chase was the first Treasurer of the United States.
Actually, with inflation being what it is, we're probably going to have to re-introduce the $500 bill - my vote for who goes on it?
Ronald Reagan.
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I can only imagine what that must have been like... I mean, I'm sure it's a pain in the ass to take over the books from the last guy when you start working accounting at a small business... having to go through nearly a century of poorly documented, unfiled expense sheets and back tax calculations for an entire nation must have driven him crazy.
Guess that's why he's on the $10,000 bill, then. Good for him!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and DANG UM has taken a toll on my ratings! I was at 1.52 or something before...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just for you! Thanks for noticing.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Crystle
User id: 17106
Registered on or around: 2005-03-09 19:14:52
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Salmon P. Chase was the first Treasurer of the United States.
Actually, with inflation being what it is, we're probably going to have to re-introduce the $500 bill - my vote for who goes on it?
Ronald Reagan.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2006-11-02 13:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:56:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
I'm just curious though, did you write this stuff yourself?
Yep. This morning when I got in at the office.
Don't tell my boss.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
I'm just curious though, did you write this stuff yourself?
Submitted by _ce (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There's also a $2 bill... it's got Thomas Jefferson on it.
:)
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hookhand:
Either use smaller words, or talk slower. I can't understand a single fuckin word you're saying.
(the word is "edifying")
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I expected this to be MUCH more edifying.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And it's in the possession of C. Montgomery Burns, who stole it from France, which is why most of Europe hates America.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
-- Snoop Dee-oh-double-gee
I didn't read this, but Bubba got a pot leaf on his wedding bits.