Wasn't me! (354 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.2 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rodion Raskolnikov <rodyarask.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-11-02 10:54:03 EST
My parents have given me much advice over the years. Most of it has
been good. One of the first was in a form of a joke from my Dad:
"Two guys are lost in the desert with no water. They decide to split
up to go look for some and agree to meet by a particular cactus in 2
days. At the designated time they both come to the cactus. One of them
is dehydrated; his skin is dry and rough. The other is wet. The
dehydrated guy runs over to his wet friend and begins to lick him up and
down with joy, but his friend does not share his excitement. He sighs and
says 'Grandma told me not to piss against the wind ... ' " Good advice, Dad.
Other advice from Mommy and Daddy: Don't drink beverages brought to
you by your friends; there might be urine in it. Beat the crap out of
people who make fun of you. Never borrow money from your friends.
Never trust a woman that says she loves you. Don't get caught cheating.
If you are going to steal, steal big. Always bring your own condoms;
women are not to be trusted. Try to party at other people's houses. If
you find a wallet, take the cash, but return the wallet. No body likes
people who don't drink, so learn to hold your liquor. Don't fart in an
elevator.
I work on the 8th floor and consequently have to take the elevator
down for my frequent cigarette breaks. The fart came out of nowhere.
Even before all of the gas escaped my large intestine, I knew it was going
to be a rough one.
I was alone in the elevator, thank God, and with some anticipation I awaited the stench.
Instead, the elevator came to an abrupt stop and the doors opened. A gorgeous redhead
smiled politely and walked in. The doors closed and the elevator filled with stench so
furiously strong, it surprised even me.
Everyone has some affection for their own brad, but that one made even me want
to claw at the doors. I looked at her reflection in the metal doors and she stared
right back at me. I smiled; she didn't. We rode in stench and silence for 3
floors and the goddamn elevator stopped again - on the third floor. The redhead got
out, although she approved of the lit "Lobby" button upon getting in. I wanted to
get out too, but didn't have the balls.
An elderly lady entered the elevator and as the doors closed I saw the redhead
take a deep breath. The elderly lady saw that too and gave me a
questioning look via my reflection in the doors. The stench lingered all the
way down. Worst elevator ride, ever.
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-02 19:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate smelling other peoples farts. Or asian breath for that matter.
Submitted by selfishinequities (user info) at 2006-11-02 19:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have just done the elevator bit.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-11-02 15:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jonny,
I could say the same about you, but I don't because since your posts always blow, I do not look at them. If reading what I post is painful, then just don't read it. If you are going to post, then explain why something sucked. You know, constructive criticism. Otherwise, why bother typing?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-02 12:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-01 12:02:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're like that Borat guy, only un-funny, and un-interesting.
Can you start posting something amusing or entertaining, please? Thank you.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-02 11:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you please but what is an elevator please?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-02 11:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
FatTony?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-02 10:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks tony