Chirocracktors (596 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.63 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UnderFosterMeal (View user info) at 2006-11-02 16:39:21 EST
There are very few occasions in which I'll allow another man to rub anything on my backside.
This was one of those occasions.
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On top of the boilerplate depressive disorders that so many of you take pleasure in making fun of me for, I also suffer from a lesser-known malady known as Bertolotti's Syndrome.
Check it out, yo:
During embryonic development of the skeletal system, there comes a point where the growing human-to-be needs to distinguish joint from cartilage and vice versa. In normal scenarios, fissures form between sets of bone where joints will be. This is especially critical in the formation of the spine.
In the case of what is called a 'Transitional Vertebrae', the embryo fails to insert a break between two of what will later be the Lumbar vertebrae (the lowermost set of bones in your back, preceding your sacrum, then your coccyx [or tailbone]). So basically what happens is the L5 (5th Lumbar) and sacrum FUSE.
FUSION
FUSION
FUSION
Kinda like that.
Anyway, you can imagine what this means in terms of mobility in later life, where, upon bending over (to take massive black dick if that's your thing, or to merely tie your shoe) your back just doesn't bend where it should, because instead of having an L5 and a sacrum, you're cursed with one contiguous piece of bone that doesn't like to be folded in half.
Like, at all. Really. Go get a fucking bone from the supermarket and try and fold it. You'll have problems I swear.
Right so the ensuing symptoms of TV (hehe ... I said 'transvestite') have to do with nerve root pain resulting from pinched sciatic nerves stemming from the base of the spine. This, friends, is known as Bertolotti's Syndrome and it's particularly nasty when paired with an active lifestyle.
Let's review said lifestyle, shall we?
- Heavy weightlifting (WAAAY more than Method or Kaelic's wimpy asses could even fathom)
- Bat-out-of-hell freeride mountain biking AKA Downhilling AKA Bombikaze Riding
- Longboarding and hard carving at 40+ MPH on roadways
- Frequent, vehement shagging of my harem of twenty-something vixens
- The occasional skydive
- The occasional sprint from the cops
- The occasional dine n' dash at The Varsity in Atlanta (TOO easy)
- The occasional cartwheel done from the other side of the fence separating me from aforementioned cops
- etc.
The end result is too much pain to even sit still for longer than 5 minutes at a time, and when my profession is to do just that (corporate - not RETAIL scourge you fucking pansy - sales), the situation calls for a trip to ... yup.
The chirocracktor.
=================================================
"Hey, Bret! Good to see you. My name is Dr. Zarnayn, but please, call me Dr. Z." was the greeting I got upon entering the small, 3 person chiropractic office located here in Roswell, Georgia.
"Hi Dr. Z. Look I'm in a lot of pain, so ..." I started, but was interupted with: "Oh, man, that sounds terrible. Here, come on back to the rehab benches we have set up."
So, I did. Dr. Z is about 30-ish I'd say, and has a very certain gift for making you think he's the best friend you never had. I followed him to the back of the office and laid down on my stomach in anticipation of nothing, as I had never been to a chiropractor before.
In one movement Dr. Z pulled my shirt from the back of my pants, revealing my lower back. I heard a noise similar to that of applying hand lotion, and before I knew it a man's hands were slathering some greasy, smelly substance all over the top of my ass.
"WTF?" I said.
"Excuse me?" Dr. Z responded.
"Nevermind. What are you doing?" I inquired.
"Just applying a numbing agent, that's all. This stuff is like Icy Hot on steroids."
A numbing agent? Oooo ... sounds scary. I wouldn't fuck with a numbing agent. Isn't Chuck Norris a numbing agent?
After slathering that godawfully smelly crap on my back Dr. Z rolled me over and positioned my legs sort of like wrestlers do theirs in a 'figure 4', if you know what that is. He then brought all his weight down on me and it was then that my back was assaulted with the most audible series of cracks and pops I had ever heard, coming from me or anyone else for that matter.
From the base of my spine all the way up to my shoulder blades, I felt a calming, strange sort of rush.
"That's synovial fluid." Dr. Z said.
"Oh. Thanks."
After putting me on a 'hydrotherapy' bed for a spell, Dr. Z helped me up and asked me how I felt.
I took stock of my symptoms. They were gone. 100%.
I said so, and then left after remitting my $20 copay.
I don't know who it was that said that Chiropractors are useless or that what they do doesn't hold value. You can rest assured knowing I'll be paying Dr. Z another visit shortly and it won't be for the assrubbing.
Here's to you, chirocracktors.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-03 17:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, I paid a bill for $364 and change today to SOME criminal at the CourtYard Marriott for a rip-off two night stay. $21 in taxes per night? Fuck you Atlanta.
Maybe you should have tried under my COMPANY name, you fucking coward.
Room 320...I even left them a little semen on the sheets.
And trace the IP on the reviews this am, Genius.
PS. Nice "crumpling", pansyass. I'm surpised you didn't pick these last three days to take a vacation to your mommies house, just in case I had any interest - and I don't- in tracking YOUR coward ass down, dicksucker.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is all eerily reminiscent of what 7 year-olds do ... you know, the whole NEENER NEENER NEENER I CAN'T HEAR YOU charade?
Again, not surprised.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, that slurping noise kinda drained ya out again.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, if I'm such a baby, and a homosexual one at that, why on EARTH are you wasting so much time in bantering with me?
Answer this honestly and earn some semblance of respect. Otherwise, you're just another troll riding on the hallowed coattails of the infamous Bret D.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. You are a comedic genious.
What? Oh, you're trying to be tough? You can't really pull that off, either.
Oh, Bret, just back to your old ways of leaving Uber and killing yourself.
It made us all much happier.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fag below.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry Bret, when you speak all I hear is "WAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pay attention to me!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH" And then the inevitable slurping of cock.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94769
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Foolproof, your gayness has reached the point of my not even bothering to rate your posts.
Please do me the same favor. Otherwise, you just seem like you're riding my cock like the rest of these worthless pricks.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I also suffer from a lesser-known malady known as Bertolotti's Syndrome.
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Christ.
You remind me of one of my friends wife, Annamarie.
She is currently afflicted with 20 false diseases. Know why? Attention whore.
Stop posting, Annamarie, before I tell your husband.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's interesting, Jeff ... the folks at the Courtyard don't have any record of a Jeff **ben currently staying there.
Sounds like you're all talk there, bucko. Can't say I'm surprised.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Alright Dongy.
I'm about 9 miles away from you. What's the plan, hmm? Empty parking lot with crowbars?
You name it, cockslobber.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-03 08:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey faggot...I'm still in Atlanta...where's my "crumple-ing", you fucking fairy?
Marriott Courtyard, Cumberland. I'll be here until 3.
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-11-03 08:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-03 03:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89457
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2006-11-03 02:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There are very few occasions in which I'll allow another man to rub anything on my backside.
This was one of those occasions.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
From there, you lost me.
Submitted by hsimah (user info) at 2006-11-03 01:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Love cracking stuff, its awesome.
Chiropractors know what they are on about I guess, but my money is with a physiotherapist. They have to undergo more training, here anyway. I have back trouble and I went to a chiro just cause it was cheap, he did something similar, cracked a lot of bones and I felt great. Off I went. Two weeks later, pain started coming back etc. I went to the physio and he did the same thing and I felt better again... then he showed me back stretches and exercises to do to strengthen my lower back, and when I keep them up the pain doesn't come back.
So imo, chiros may not be "quacks" but they aren't as good as a physio.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-02 22:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
NO
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-02 22:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
jesus christ.
everyone hates you,
no one cares about you
leave.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-02 20:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah. I only do the aspirins on bad days. If I drink, I keep away from them for the next day or two.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-02 19:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm just going to assume this is shite and not bother reading it.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-02 18:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-02 18:12:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a similar problem with my lower back. Mine isn't from birth, but from too much playing defensive line, and too many 20k road marches for uncle sam. The chiropractor couldnt figure out why the xray of my lower spine looked like the front end of a car that was hit head on and couldn't do anything about it really other than hook me up to what looked like a machine from Abu Gharaib that didn't do shit. The pain is constant, but I just suck it up, and keep a steady diet of aspirin.
===
Dude I bet your liver looks like fucking spongecake.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-02 18:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a similar problem with my lower back. Mine isn't from birth, but from too much playing defensive line, and too many 20k road marches for uncle sam. The chiropractor couldnt figure out why the xray of my lower spine looked like the front end of a car that was hit head on and couldn't do anything about it really other than hook me up to what looked like a machine from Abu Gharaib that didn't do shit. The pain is constant, but I just suck it up, and keep a steady diet of aspirin.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-02 17:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-02 17:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A solid worth reading, but I smiled once.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-02 17:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:44:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chiros are quacks. Of course you feel better now, you've just had a massage. Unfortunately they will never fix your problem, or even improve it more than your body will. Unless you are going to do specific stretches, or specific strengthening of the tissues, then there will be no long term change. Go to a physio, if they can't help you they will say so. They won't just tell you to keep coming back for "adjustments" for the rest of your life.
Chiros claim to cure but don't do anything.
_________________
Have you ever had back trouble?
Because I had a period of time where I could not stand up straight--at. all. The chiropractor helped me beyond my belief. I could stand and continue to live without constant pain. It was amazing. I was not a believer in chiropractic until, I repeat, I COULD NOT stand up straight and a chiropractor fixed me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:44:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chiros are quacks... They will just tell you to keep coming back for "adjustments" for the rest of your life.
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This is absolutely true.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Where are your alters now?
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck, I meant - 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chiros are quacks. Of course you feel better now, you've just had a massage. Unfortunately they will never fix your problem, or even improve it more than your body will. Unless you are going to do specific stretches, or specific strengthening of the tissues, then there will be no long term change. Go to a physio, if they can't help you they will say so. They won't just tell you to keep coming back for "adjustments" for the rest of your life.
Chiros claim to cure but don't do anything.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are very few occasions in which I'll allow another man to rub anything on my backside.
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but many occasions in which I'll allow another man to rub anything on my frontside
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-02 16:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment