I Am Now Officially Threatening the Life Of Vin Diesel (945 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2006-11-02 20:51:39 EST
I'm an American. I live, in my opinion, in the greatest country of the world. I love just about everything about American society, from its constitution to its civil rights, its system of justice (however flawed), its vastness. There is nothing about this country that I am prouder of than the freedom this country gives its citizens to make, build, and create. Basically, whatever idea it is that you have, be it good or bad, if you can't bring it to fruition in the United States, you probably won't be able to get it off the ground anywhere else in the world. All you need in this country is a catchy idea, some slick marketing, and you might as well have a license to print money.
That said, I am damn sure aware that there are some negatives that go with this. Everyone is trying to make a quick buck. Just a few dolla's, you know, coupla benjamins, right? Not just me, but you, and everybody else. Over time, however, it's morphed into something a whole lot more sinister. It's not about the creating, or the building anymore, it's just about the money. This means that, as an American consumer, you have to, quite frequently, bend over and chew on a towel while some corporation gives you a rampant, oil-free economic tooling right up the old Royal American. How many times have you been watching a commercial and suddenly a song that you really love comes on....only it's not the right song. It's been changed to push a piece of shit product that you wouldn't use to cover a running sore. Imagine Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" being used to hawk Velveeta. Are you telling me that doesn't piss you off? Remember that song "You're Unbelievable?" Not a big hit or anything, but not a bad piece of 80s music. Well it's back. Only now Kraft is using it for their new cheese crumbles. "You're Crumbelievable." Good fucking god. I can imagine those poor guys just tying a belt around their arm and shooting five spoonfuls into their brachial veins every time that commercial plays, just to ease the pain.
The song that my wife and I danced to at our wedding, the song that I felt really embodied the essence of our love, was Kenny Rogers' "Through the Years". Nothing in the world could possibly sum up how I've loved the woman that I knew for ten years before we were finally wed last June. Except, whenever I hear that song, I have trouble thinking about my wife. Instead, I think of the fucking Maytag commercial that took this beautiful song, whirled it around like a Cuban on a dance floor, dipped it deeply and said "Hey, how about some rape?" They raped Kenny Rogers, I'm telling you.
That urge for a quick buck reaches into everything. Our TV, our food, our music, our art. Everything has a price tag attached to it. A movie that could be good is made shitty so they can make a sequal and squeeze more out of it. Or a good movie has fifteen shitty sequels that ruin the first one (Saw, anyone? Godfather III?). Well now, they've gone over the edge. Now they've pissed me off by intruding into the one realm that I hold sacred. Raping my wife and our relationship is one thing, but my VIDEO GAMES? That's a new low.
They raped Super Mario. RAPED him. They took that Italian plumber, unbuttoned his overalls, bent him over a cast iron sink, and gave him the business with a plunger handle. The greatest game in history, #1 on the 100 best games of all time according to IGN.com. They raped him with Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. That's some serious rape. Not content with raping the best, they moved on to fresh meat by raping Doom. Yes, Doom, a concept so simple it would take a waterhead retard of serious proportions to fuck up. But fuck it up they did. Some prick was sitting around in a meeting and said "Hey, what if we make the demons, like, not come from hell or something?" Why another executive didn't pull out a sword cane and impale that little shit is beyond me. HELL IS THE COOLEST PART OF DOOM, for crying out loud. That's like looking at a Playboy and going "Boy this is pretty good, but do we really need all the boobs?"
They raped Super Mario and they raped Doom. They raped other games like Double Dragon, House of the Dead, Street Fighter, and Mortal Kombat (TWICE FOR FUCKS SAKE!). They almost raped Silent Hill, but that was more like the girl waking up just in time because the roofies wore off. They raped, and they intend to continue raping. And now they want to rape.....me.
I say they want to rape me because they intend to rape my all time favorite video game of all time - Hitman. Agent 47 is without a doubt my most favorite video game character of all time. I loved him so much I shaved my head after playing it. I would have tattooed a barcode on my head if I thought I could get away with it at work. Hitman strangles people with garotte wire, headbutts people to death in a pool, fries them by sabotaging their barbecue. He is 100% distilled badass. He's also supposed to be Romanian, with BLUE FUCKING EYES. And Hollywood has decided to rape him. Rape him with a brown-eyed bastard called Vin Diesel. Hitman is about as white as they fucking come. Diesel is half-black. GREEEEEAT casting you Hollywood cunts.
Now look, Vin, this is just between you and me. You do a decent badass character. We've all seen Pitch Black. You were very good, even though they made you go all soft at the end there. Hitman can't go soft, Vin. He says it as clearly as day in his most recent installment, Blood Money. "I can do whatever I'm paid to do."
No rescues, Vin. No soft hearted attachments to little girls in distress. No aborting the mission because a bystander might get killed. If an innocent gets in your way, that's just one more person you have to strangle and bury under a cement truck. Number 47 has killed clowns, Vin. Clowns. He killed him and stuffed him in the back of his van. He blew up a glass-bottomed jacuzzi with five playboy bunnies in it, just to hit one target. That's Number 47 Vin.
I'm warning you as direly as I can. I saw the Pacifier. I know how you'll happily sell out if the money is right. I can't let you do it. Not to Agent 47. Anyone else, I could let it slide, but I will not stand by while you rape Agent 47, Vin. If you ruin this movie, if you go soft, if you fuck this character, I will get you. I will get you and the very first thing I will do is gnaw those biceps you are so proud of right off your arms. It's down hill from there for you, understand. I am officially threatening your life. Go ahead, you can report me to whoever, but I feel I have to do this. I can not let you anally sex my favorite video game character of all time, If you ruin this character Vin, I swear all the angels in heaven, and all the devils in hell won't stop me. I'm Mark David Chapman, and you look a fuck of a lot like Lennon, get me?
Ruin this character, Vin, and I'll show you what rape is REALLY all about.
Now, who wants pie?
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-04 05:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I, um, ruined your streaks with +1s
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-11-04 05:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-03 07:42:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
rad ruined all my streaks on purpose with -2s
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waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaa WAAAAAAAAAAA!
i have no self-esteem because my miserable Internet life is missing certain numbers that are crucial to my well being
I DEMAND! the correct numbers so i can have value
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2006-11-03 13:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just watch out...according to some people around here, a 'serious threat' such as the one you have posted can get you throwin in jail! true story!
Submitted by rennfahrer (user info) at 2006-11-03 12:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's so true...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-11-03 11:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only video game I play is Halo2, listening to an eight year old talk so much trash it makes your ears bleed and then kick your ass like Hulk Hogan would makes me laugh hysterically.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Something about an obese fanboy crying about how they're going to ruin his favorite video game by turning it into a movie just screams LIGHTNING BOLT, LIGHTNING BOLT, LIGHTNING BOLT to me.
Save it for your friends at the Renaissance Festival. I'm sure they'll have your back.
Vin rocks and EMF's hit "You're Unbelievable"(sic) was from the 90's not the 80's. The only reason this review isn't negative is because even I cannot deny that the Pacifier was horrendous.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post of the day.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-03 09:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some sweet ranting.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-03 08:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-03 07:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-03 03:35:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
just so you know, I called the police, the secret service, and all the jews in hollywood because of your direct threats towards one of the most important men in Hollywood.
and don't cry about it.
You've got to be kidding me if you didn't know what you had to say didn't have consequences.
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Unlike Shitfuck, It's very obvious this post is satire. At any rate, Vin Diesel is much different from the President, and unless some police unit really thinks a Florida engineer intends to go cannibal on an actor's arms, I predict a quiet weekend.
You know something rad, first you ruined all my streaks on purpose with -2s, now this. You're really a prick, you know that?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-03 07:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice rant.
I liked Silent Hill well enough, but only beacue I've played the games. To someone who hadn't ever heard of the cult of Samael or Pyramid Head, I think that the movie probably ended up being confusing and random, at best.
The Super Mario Brothers Super Show was awesome. Never saw the movie.
Wii comes out in just a couple of weeks. *squee*
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2006-11-03 06:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MeeatG (user info) at 2006-11-03 05:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too can't stand it when people who have no idea about video games make movies about video games just to score more and more cash.
I'm waiting for them to rape Legend of Zelda, its going to happen one day.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-11-03 04:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They are in the process of raping "Halo". I'm sure they will soon enough rape "God of War", though Kratos would make a badass movie character.
Hmmm....
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-03 04:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-03 04:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they are making a Hitman movie?
AWESOME.
i fucking love the Hitman games. (PC, of course)
yeah, i agree. Vin had better not fuck 47 up. he's a badass motherfuckin' character.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-03 03:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
just so you know, I called the police, the secret service, and all the jews in hollywood because of your direct threats towards one of the most important men in Hollywood.
and don't cry about it.
You've got to be kidding me if you didn't know what you had to say didn't have consequences.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-03 03:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
jesus christ
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-03 02:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-11-03 00:59:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard they're making another Mortal Kombat movie...
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I want them to keep trying until they get it right. There's so much potential.
AND JAX BETTER BE IN THE MOVIE. And Rayden. And Sub Zero and Scorpion. I also think Oddjob from the James Bond movies would make a decent mortal kombat character with his hat that he throws at people's necks. He would die during the opening credits, obviously.
I think Hitman would make a good movie.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-03 01:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-11-03 00:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard they're making another Mortal Kombat movie...
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-11-03 00:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
His Mom was fucked by a nig...?
what a bummer
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-11-02 23:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A-fucking-men
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-11-02 23:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
get a life you fat nerd beaner
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-02 23:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So is that game anything like Pong? Pong kicks ass.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-02 23:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fully support you.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:00:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Vin Diesel was cool in Saving Private Ryan though.
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Only when he was shot and slowly bled to death.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:01:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
He's Halfrican? I didn't know that.
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Yep, I just found out myself as I prepared to threaten him. Half black, half italian.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead, I think of the fucking Maytag commercial that took this beautiful song, whirled it around like a Cuban on a dance floor, dipped it deeply and said "Hey, how about some rape?" They raped Kenny Rogers, I'm telling you.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Hitman
I'm the master of the sniper rifle.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's Halfrican? I didn't know that.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vin Diesel was cool in Saving Private Ryan though.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-02 21:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be honored if you raped me.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-02 20:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WE R TEH S3CR3T S3RV1Z N UR G0N G0 2 T3H PR1ZN N HAV T3H GH3Y BUTTS3CKS 4EVAH!!!1!