Velvet Pajama Bottoms (286 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.7 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by zfx84 (View user info) at 2006-11-03 19:57:31 EST
Continued from last week...
I was about to grab what was inside Charlie Smith's safe, when I heard the floorboards creak behind me.
I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned around.
There, standing in the doorway behind me, was another elderly gentleman wearing nothing but purple velvet pajama bottoms.
His bare wrinkled-skin chest was the last thing I needed to see. His saggy man boobs and unsightly body hair were enough to make any normal person puke up their entire respiratory system.
In his arms was a white rabbit, that he loving stroked with his skeleton hands. He looked at me through his coke-bottle glasses and asked me what the hell I was doing.
I stood up from the safe and shielded my eyes away from the sight of the man, whereas I was almost certain that I would be turned into stone if I glanced directly at the velvet Medusa.
I asked him who the fuck he was and he said he was Charlie's lover, Trent. As if seeing this man half naked wasn't creepy enough, the thought of an elderly gay couple doing it was even worse.
As soon as he told me that, I temporarily blacked out and collapsed to the floor. My brain couldn't comprehend the horror of gay geriatric sex, so it completely shut itself down.
I awoke several minutes later to his pet rabbit licking my face. I felt restrained, as if someone had tied me down. But I wasn't tied down.
I looked up and around to see Trent sitting on top of me, with his knees pinning my arms down...much like how a bully would pin the weaker kid onto the ground and spit into his eye.
I briefly began to black out again due to the fact that Trent was in direct contact with my body, but he slapped me across the face to wake me up again.
His rabbit now moved around and was attempting to chew on my ankle. I tried shaking him off, but the old man kept my attention by gyrating back and forth across my hips.
I finally regained complete awareness of the situation after having been phased a few times and easily pushed the lightweight bag of bones off of me.
He fell down to the floor, for he had me pinned down on top of a table. Apparently his body couldn't take the 4 foot fall and he rolled on the floor in pain. He probably broke his hip, which is predictable.
I got off the table and kicked him only a few times in the chest, for his man breasts had absorbed a little of each kick like a sponge and if I had kicked him any more, I could have lost my entire foot in his chest, never to be seen again.
I stopped kicking him and composed myself by shaking off any gay germs he might have planted on me. He was struggling to get back up and attack me, so I grabbed his bunny nearby and picked it up.
I threatened to kill the bunny if he didn't do what I say. He groveled in fear and begged me not to harm his rabbit. So while keeping the rabbit captive in my grasp, I told Trent to get up and lead me back to where the safe was.
He had apparently brought me into some masochistic dungeon/cellar when I blacked out, and he would be the only one that knew the way back from this snuff film movie set of a basement.
He led me through a series of winding tunnels and torture rooms and we finally came back to the room where I had found the safe.
Not needing him, or the bunny any more, I tossed the rabbit across the room to him. In a desperate attempt to save his bunny's life, he tried to dive for it with one working hip. That attempt failed miserably and he ended up fumbling the rabbit in his arms and then tripping and falling out of the conveniently open second story window.
He and the bunny both fell to their deaths. Good, because if that didn't happen I would have had to waste my own personal time and kill him myself, and death doesn't pay me overtime.
I finally returned my attention back to the open safe in the floor, only to find the safe now empty. Where did the object go?
I frantically began to look all around the house for where it could have gone. I finally found it beside Charlie, who still lay unconscious on the floor, possibly dead from when I hit him.
The object from the safe had crawled away from me and this is where it had ended up.
What is the object you ask?
A baby. Made out of solid gold. Not very original, I know.
But think of how rich that could make me. Not only is it gold, but a live baby made out of gold. I picked the baby up as it squealed happily in my arms.
I took it's ear into my mouth and attempted to bite down on it, to test the material. Yep, that tasted like gold alright! No doubt about it.
I put the baby in a cardboard box and sealed it up with packaging tape. Then I poked a few air holes in there; a live gold baby is more valuable than a dead one.
I took it with me and immediately went over to an auction house to get it appraised. The woman I met with seemed appalled and told me she couldn't sell a live human in an auction, regardless of what it was made out of. No one would agree to sell something of that horrible nature. (Maybe not today, but they had no problems selling slaves way back when).
Infuriated that something so valuable had become worthless, I stormed out of there and went home with the baby-in-the-box.
I sat there in my kitchen, wondering what the hell I was going to do with potentially worthless baby now. I could try selling it on e-bay, someone would buy it on there.
As I contemplated other options, I realized that I never officially ate any lunch on my extended lunch break and I was getting hungry. But there was nothing to eat in my house.
I opened the box and stared at the baby as it smiled up at me. I thought about it; I already had gotten a taste of the golden baby via the ear bite...so I knew that it would be tasty. I licked my lips as I grew ever more hungry the longer I looked at it.
I couldn't stand it anymore...there was only one solution.
Twenty seconds later and I had the baby half way through a blender, feet first. Why feet first? So I could see the expression on it's delicious golden face.
I'll tell you, there is nothing more delicious than a golden baby smoothie.
Well, maybe an oven cooked golden baby pie.
User Reviews
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:45:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That was stoopid.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
'death doesn't pay me overtime' made me smile.
That's honest rating for ya!
Still shit though.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-03 21:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-03 21:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was the most awesome pile of shit ever read by mankind.
Too bad you suck big green dog dicks...
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-11-03 21:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:22:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:20:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:15:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:05:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:20:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:15:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:05:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:15:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:05:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:05:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-03 20:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no