Night Train (189 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awesomeface (View user info) at 2006-11-05 17:45:06 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I had been walking in my underpants around my apartment for a good two hours. After smelling the rancid fumes of my breath and body I decided it was time to take care of my hygiene. So I stared at a bar of soap for a few minutes and put some scented enemas into my rectum for only the finest smelling farts. Some people call that being weird. I call it being a portable air freshener.
After freshening up I began to go through the mail. I noticed one rather large yellow envelope on the bottom so I scooped it up and opened it. It read.
_
Dear Mr. Atticus,
You are cordially invited to the Renaldo Estate on the fine evening of November 3rd for a get together of some of the cities finest residents. We trust that you will arrive in business attire due to the nature of the occasion. We will be playing a little game and I do hope that your presence will grace my estate.
Until then,
The Major
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"The Major? Who the bloody hell is that?" I shouted in the kitchen grasping the letter.
"Who is what?" My girlfriend Katie said doing a wheelie down the hallway in her wheelchair.
"You know of any guy named the Major?" I asked still studying the letter.
"No...let me see the letter." She rolled by snatching the letter from my hands. After reading it she gave me a stink eye that was unfortunately for her turning me on. "November 3rd, but that's tonight, it's our anniversary!"
"It is? Oh...I mean...of course it is."
"You forgot didn't you?"
"Noooooooooo never...what day is it again?"
"Atticus, we're done. I'm sick of this!" She shouted.
"Is somebody getting horny?" I said with anticipation.
"No you dick I just broke up with you!"
"Let's do it." I ran over and lifted her out of her chair and laid her across the counter while she was hitting me.
"Atticus you are so clueless!" She yelled delivering a jaw snapping slap. "I'm paralyzed from the waist down! I can't very well now feel you fucking me can I?"
"I don't know, I'm not paralyzed."
"Ughhh you are such a cheese dick."
"Does it feel like cheese when I'm inside you?
"I can't feel anything!"
"Well maybe you shouldn't be so paralyzed all the time."
I think that was the line that really made her want to leave me. So now that I was single I was looking forward to having a good time at the party. I couldn't remember if the Major said I was supposed to dress in business attire or bedtime attire. I'm pretty sure it was bedtime attire so I showed up at the gate of the estate in a G string. There were six others at the gate wearing business attire.
"Hey guys you here for the party?" I said standing before them almost naked. "Awww fuck it was business attire wasn't it...I do this all the time! Stupid stupid stupid!!!" I shouted smacking myself on the forehead. Just then a monitor blared overhead above the gate. An older English gentlemen began to speak.
"Well you bloody assholes are all here so quit fucking loitering by my god damn gate." He said politely.
The six guests including myself shuffled into the estate. We entered the front door as it shut behind us and locked. The Major stood before us with eight envelopes in his hand.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen." He said rudely. "I want to play a little game with all of you. There is one envelope for everyone in here including me. In this envelope you will be assigned a character to play. Under that characters name is another person's name. That is the name of one other person in here. Your task is to find that other person and kill them all the while staying in character. But remember, somebody is looking for you too. If you kill your target and your pursuer then you will move on to the next round. If you survive then you will find out why it is that I chose all of you for this task. But always remember that you are being watched, so stay in character. I like to call this game the Night Train."
"Alright I love trains!" I said slipping off my G-string. I walked up the nearest girl in a red dress with blonde hair. I lifted her dress up and noticed she was going commando so I stuck it in her. She began to scream with pleasure...or pain...I can't remember, it's the one where she is crying. "Alright now who is going to fuck me in the ass?" I shouted while giving it to the woman in the red dress.
"Good lord what are you doing?" The Major gasped.
"I'm running a train, you want to fuck me?"
"Heavens no! Take it out and take your envelope." He snapped throwing the envelope at me. The girl in the red kicked me off because she couldn't handle it. She was crying such tears of joy and the rest of the guests began to hug her and tell her it was ok. They were obviously jealous of the happiness she just attained.
The guests began to open their letters. Mine read "Senator" and below it was a name "Donald Reservoir."
"So which part do I keep secret, the Senator or the Donald Reservoir guy?"
"Good god is there anything you can't fuck up?" The Major yelled.
"Yes actually, can't really fuck rocks now can you, that would hurt...oh yeah and don't have sex with paraplegic women cause they can't even feel it. I know it sounds weird doesn't it? Just heard this morning."
"Ladies and gentlemen please do not worry. I assure you this gentleman will not last long in the game." The Major explained at which the guests all laughed. "Now let the games begin."
The rest of the guests scattered across the big house leaving me alone in the entrance hall. I hoped for the best and went upstairs to a blue door on the left. The room was situated above a dining room which could be seen through the railings that circled the room. Next to the railings were over 12 decorated nights in armor. I noticed the little flap on the back and decided to have some fun. Minutes into my love making with the suit of armor it collapsed. The giant axe it was holding fell into the dining room causing a chain reaction which made all the other axes fall. Four contestants below were killed instantly.
"AWESOME!" I screamed.
"The hell is wrong with you?" A gentleman screamed from below who was wearing a suit and tie.
"It's ok bloke. I'm a Senator!" I started to figure it was a good time to leave considering that within my first five minutes in the house I raped one and killed four. But that would be the logical thing to do so I stayed and looked for more things to have sex with. I headed back out into the hall when something caught my eye. At the top of the staircase was a Jesus statue being crucified. His mouth was wide open...wide wide open...wide enough for a...oh come you have to be able to guess by now. So I climbed up on the cross and stuck it into the Jesus statue. In the middle of my love making a voice called out from behind me.
"Have you gone mad?" The survivor from the dining room wreckage called out with the blonde woman at his side. He pulled a gun from his jacket and trained it on me while he walked up the stairs. I wasn't going to let this asshole interfere with my pleasure session that was to bring me closer to the lord than ever before. Unfortunately I lost my balance and the Jesus statue began to fall down the stairs crushing the man in the suit and the blond woman. The statue continued to fall and it hit a giant stone pillar which smashed through a wall in the house exposing the outside world. Then another pillar fell and another wall of the house fell. The roof having no support gave in too. I figured it was definitely time to high tail it out of there because there was nothing to have sex with anymore.
"You son of a bitch!" The Major yelled stepping out from the rubble. "You ruined the game!"
"Oh...well there are no contestants left, so you want to tell me why you gathered all of us here?"
"Well I am a man of my word. It was three years ago..."
I quickly lost interest in his explanation and I really just wanted to go home and try to win back my paraplegic girlfriend. While thinking of an excuse to leave I felt a nasty fart coming on. While he was talking I tried to slip it out silently. The gas released from my bowels and hissed into the air.
"And that is why I chose you Mr. Abacus...world famous hit man..."
"Wait...I'm Mr. Atticus....not Abacus."
"Bloody hell!" He screamed loudly. His anger quickly turned to curiosity. He began to sniff the air. "Hey...you smell mints?"
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:21:21 EDT (#)
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