Night Train (1588 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.28 on 107 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-06 02:00:21 EST
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
I had been walking in my underpants around my apartment for a good two hours. After smelling the rancid fumes of my breath and body I decided it was time to take care of my hygiene. So I stared at a bar of soap for a few minutes and put some scented enemas into my rectum for only the finest smelling farts. Some people call that being weird. I call it being a portable air freshener.After freshening up I began to go through the mail. I noticed one rather large yellow envelope on the bottom so I scooped it up and opened it. It read.
_
Dear Mr. Atticus,
You are cordially invited to the Renaldo Estate on the fine evening of November 3rd for a get together of some of the cities finest residents. We trust that you will arrive in business attire due to the nature of the occasion. We will be playing a little game and I do hope that your presence will grace my estate.
Until then,
The Major
-
"The Major? Who the bloody hell is that?" I shouted in the kitchen grasping the letter.
"Who is what?" My girlfriend Katie said doing a wheelie down the hallway in her wheelchair.
"You know of any guy named the Major?" I asked still studying the letter.
"No...let me see the letter." She rolled by snatching the letter from my hands. After reading it she gave me a stink eye that was unfortunately for her turning me on. "November 3rd, but that's tonight, it's our anniversary!"
"It is? Oh...I mean...of course it is."
"You forgot didn't you?"
"Noooooooooo never...what day is it again?"
"Atticus, we're done. I'm sick of this!" She shouted.
"Is somebody getting horny?" I said with anticipation.
"No you dick I just broke up with you!"
"Let's do it." I ran over and lifted her out of her chair and laid her across the counter while she was hitting me.
"Atticus you are so clueless!" She yelled delivering a jaw snapping slap. "I'm paralyzed from the waist down! I can't very well now feel you fucking me can I?"
"I don't know, I'm not paralyzed."
"Ughhh you are such a cheese dick."
"Does it feel like cheese when I'm inside you?
"I can't feel anything!"
"Well maybe you shouldn't be so paralyzed all the time."
I think that was the line that really made her want to leave me. So now that I was single I was looking forward to having a good time at the party. I couldn't remember if the Major said I was supposed to dress in business attire or bedtime attire. I'm pretty sure it was bedtime attire so I showed up at the gate of the estate in a G string. There were six others at the gate wearing business attire.
"Hey guys you here for the party?" I said standing before them almost naked. "Awww fuck it was business attire wasn't it...I do this all the time! Stupid stupid stupid!!!" I shouted smacking myself on the forehead. Just then a monitor blared overhead above the gate. An older English gentlemen began to speak.
"Well you bloody assholes are all here so quit fucking loitering by my god damn gate." He said politely.
The six guests including myself shuffled into the estate. We entered the front door as it shut behind us and locked. The Major stood before us with eight envelopes in his hand.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen." He said rudely. "I want to play a little game with all of you. There is one envelope for everyone in here including me. In this envelope you will be assigned a character to play. Under that characters name is another person's name. That is the name of one other person in here. Your task is to find that other person and kill them all the while staying in character. But remember, somebody is looking for you too. If you kill your target and your pursuer then you will move on to the next round. If you survive then you will find out why it is that I chose all of you for this task. But always remember that you are being watched, so stay in character. I like to call this game the Night Train."
"Alright I love trains!" I said slipping off my G-string. I walked up the nearest girl in a red dress with blonde hair. I lifted her dress up and noticed she was going commando so I stuck it in her. She began to scream with pleasure...or pain...I can't remember, it's the one where she is crying. "Alright now who is going to fuck me in the ass?" I shouted while giving it to the woman in the red dress.
"Good lord what are you doing?" The Major gasped.
"I'm running a train, you want to fuck me?"
"Heavens no! Take it out and take your envelope." He snapped throwing the envelope at me. The girl in the red kicked me off because she couldn't handle it. She was crying such tears of joy and the rest of the guests began to hug her and tell her it was ok. They were obviously jealous of the happiness she just attained.
The guests began to open their letters. Mine read "Senator" and below it was a name "Donald Reservoir."
"So which part do I keep secret, the Senator or the Donald Reservoir guy?"
"Good god is there anything you can't fuck up?" The Major yelled.
"Yes actually, can't really fuck rocks now can you, that would hurt...oh yeah and don't have sex with paraplegic women cause they can't even feel it. I know it sounds weird doesn't it? Just heard this morning."
"Ladies and gentlemen please do not worry. I assure you this gentleman will not last long in the game." The Major explained at which the guests all laughed. "Now let the games begin."
The rest of the guests scattered across the big house leaving me alone in the entrance hall. I hoped for the best and went upstairs to a blue door on the left. The room was situated above a dining room which could be seen through the railings that circled the room. Next to the railings were over 12 decorated nights in armor. I noticed the little flap on the back and decided to have some fun. Minutes into my love making with the suit of armor it collapsed. The giant axe it was holding fell into the dining room causing a chain reaction which made all the other axes fall. Four contestants below were killed instantly.
"AWESOME!" I screamed.
"The hell is wrong with you?" A gentleman screamed from below who was wearing a suit and tie.
"It's ok bloke. I'm a Senator!" I started to figure it was a good time to leave considering that within my first five minutes in the house I raped one and killed four. But that would be the logical thing to do so I stayed and looked for more things to have sex with. I headed back out into the hall when something caught my eye. At the top of the staircase was a Jesus statue being crucified. His mouth was wide open...wide wide open...wide enough for a...oh come you have to be able to guess by now. So I climbed up on the cross and stuck it into the Jesus statue. In the middle of my love making a voice called out from behind me.
"Have you gone mad?" The survivor from the dining room wreckage called out with the blonde woman at his side. He pulled a gun from his jacket and trained it on me while he walked up the stairs. I wasn't going to let this asshole interfere with my pleasure session that was to bring me closer to the lord than ever before. Unfortunately I lost my balance and the Jesus statue began to fall down the stairs crushing the man in the suit and the blond woman. The statue continued to fall and it hit a giant stone pillar which smashed through a wall in the house exposing the outside world. Then another pillar fell and another wall of the house fell. The roof having no support gave in too. I figured it was definitely time to high tail it out of there because there was nothing to have sex with anymore.
"You son of a bitch!" The Major yelled stepping out from the rubble. "You ruined the game!"
"Oh...well there are no contestants left, so you want to tell me why you gathered all of us here?"
"Well I am a man of my word. It was three years ago..."
I quickly lost interest in his explanation and I really just wanted to go home and try to win back my paraplegic girlfriend. While thinking of an excuse to leave I felt a nasty fart coming on. While he was talking I tried to slip it out silently. The gas released from my bowels and hissed into the air.
"And that is why I chose you Mr. Abacus...world famous hit man..."
"Wait...I'm Mr. Atticus....not Abacus."
"Bloody hell!" He screamed loudly. His anger quickly turned to curiosity. He began to sniff the air. "Hey...you smell mints?"
- VS -
Entry 2
The girl with two coffees waited at the station for someone who never came.She stood with her long coat, her red scarf draped around and hanging down her back; cups stacked perfectly in one hand with plastic lids aligned and dimpled cardboard collars protecting her undoubtedly feminine fingers from the heat. The cups were stacked perfectly in one hand while she stared at a piece of paper in her other; her eyes squinted behind her black-framed glasses and her forehead a roadmap of anxiety and anticipation.
Of course, she didn't know she was waiting for nobody. She'd never have gotten two coffees if she'd known. One for her, one for nobody? That would have been a waste. As things were, it was going to be a waste after all.
She didn't know that she was waiting for someone who'd never come.
She didn't even know who she was waiting for, actually. The girl with two coffees didn't even drink coffee. She just figured getting coffee for him would be a nice gesture, and it might be weird to not drink some with him. She actually didn't care for coffee at all. It was more of a sacrifice of her comfort for his. What's that song lyric, "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?" Something like that.
I stood with my back to the cool cement walls of the station, smoking in slow, deliberate, heavy drags. She would have never seen me if I hadn't coughed. I had one of those tickles that wouldn't go away and it caught me mid-puff, making it sound like I was doing one of those faux-throat-clearings that are more to get someone's attention than to expel foreign substances from one's trachea.
When I coughed, she jumped a little and turned to see where the sound came from. It took her a minute before she found me, what with the tricky echo effects going on down there in the cement-walled tunnel and the eye-twitch-inducing sodium vapor lights casting their yellow tinge on everything. If I wasn't used to everything being painted with that cheap urban shade, I'd have thought we were all doomed to die of some sort of contagious liver disease. I probably was, anyway.
After she turned to see me, and really saw me, she did that thing I'm so used to seeing: that thing where someone finds you and inadvertently makes eye contact for just a moment and both of you know it happened but they turn around so quickly it's like a flashback to "The Exorcist". I'm talking about the part where Linda Blair's head spins 360 degrees, not the puking pea soup on the priest or fucking herself with a crucifix. It's not nice, it's not gentle, and I refuse to call it masturbation.
I'm used to that shit; the quick breaks in eye contact and the not-so-subtle shuffle in the direction furthest from me. Have you ever seen "Poltergeist"? Do you remember the part in that movie where the boy is in bed during the thunderstorm, before the tree eats him? I'm talking about the part where the lightning strikes and he counts "one one-thousand, two one-thousand" until he hears the thunder. The longer the gap between lightning and thunder, the further away the storm is moving. I play that game with the people at the station. I usually don't even make it to the first "one one-thousand" after our eyes meet until they start to edge away from me.
I took a swig off the bottle of the warmish, cheap wine I held in my lap and traced the outline of her shape through her long coat and tall boots. A smooth curve of the waist, strong thighs, rounded calves. I took one more long pull off the bottle and tried not to stare when she made her own little sound. It wasn't a cough, it wasn't a sneeze, it was a whimper like a hurt animal. It was a whimper of a broken heart. The last train had pulled in, and the people were flooding past her on all sides like a stone in a stream. It was apparent within moments that she was waiting for someone who never came.
What a shame.
She tossed the now-cooled coffees into an open trashcan, chained to a pillar with heavy links to keep it safe from those refuse-thieves that prowl the underground in cities like this. She tossed them both and the lid popped off one, splattering French vanilla up the pillar and down the sleeve of her long coat. She kept walking. I turned my head to follow the sound of her boots, and I knocked over the near-empty Night Train at my feet. It landed on its side with a hollow clink that went well with the sound of her boots click tap click tap click tapping their way up the stairs, another whimper, and she was gone.
Entry 1:
Amontillado
Antioxident
apollo88
AsshOly
august_sobriquet
awesome_face
BLITZKREIG_BOB
CaptainThorns
Crystle
domenad
extacy_red
ghola
gravitas
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
jgreening
JMG114
JoeyG
lechuza
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
orph
peckerhead
phuzzygish
polyamorousaj
ripple
rob_berg
scourge
seanfogy
Shaun_Rocks
Slighty_Obnoxious
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
thedominator
thorpe
35 eligible votes (37 total) *
Entry 2:
Axolotl
Bigmike
Bubba2341
Circe
coley
Coyote
darko
Davros
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
Ejryuu
FunnyAsCancer
GodChicken
goferforhire
HadToBeDone
helbling
Hirilnara
HotWillie
HurtByTheSun
Jack_McCallum
joedaddy
JonnyX
kimmy02721
KindaNews
Magicaddict
Maltese
MandaPanda
nrduncan
pen_name
Pentameter
professorfuckface
rad1101
redskieslookfake
rennfahrer
Sacrilicious
sicosemen
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
supadupapupa
The_Cyst_Master
The_Yellow_Dart
TheUniter
40 eligible votes (42 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-12 10:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This match up made me drip pee pee
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 11:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-11-09 07:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-08 20:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-11-08 15:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rennfahrer (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-08 10:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-08 10:34:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Is #2 electro?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-08 10:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is #2 electro?
Submitted by thedominator (user info) at 2006-11-08 02:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:00:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a harder vote than I thought it would be. #1 was ridiculous but had some lines that made me laugh, and I'm a sucker for the flash fiction/good description combo if #2.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OK. Entry one was complete nonsense - but at least it made me giggle from time to time at the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
Entry two I just plain didn't like.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this ones pretty close
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh fuck off.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:29:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
I made fuck this AM.
-----
HA!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure the tards are flocking for #1.
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 had me from this exchange:
"Is somebody getting horny?" I said with anticipation.
"No you dick I just broke up with you!"
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i feel like either there was a joke i missed in two, or it was too 'deep,' or i just didnt read it carefully enough.
but... it didnt really do it for me. one was good for half a smile.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-07 04:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:47:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Can anyone explain to me what number two is about? Anybody?
====
I dunno
Itd be better if any of these were about guns n roses
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both of these - for different reasons. (obviously) Entry 2 is very well written but I have honestly been waiting for someone to inject some fun and humour into this contest. Entry 1 did just that. Entry 2 might win it though... should be close.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-06 20:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
# 2 sucked less. I think...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can anyone explain to me what number two is about? Anybody?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Agreed, rad. It really annoys me when I see that someone made an effort and someone didn't give a flying shit.
--------------------------------------------
You didn't like the effort someone made, that doesn't mean they didn't give a flying shit.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:00:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:19:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 is clearly retarded.
I would have voted for entry 2 no matter what it was, but I actually enjoyed it. You did a nice job. Too bad you were up against a raging douchenozzle.
============================
you know, pentameter, in author 1's defense of his, erm, piece, I would have you remember that this is UberMadness, and there is a legitimate constituancy of users who are, in fact, retarded raging douchenozzels.
-------------------------
Agreed, rad. It really annoys me when I see that someone made an effort and someone didn't give a flying shit.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And see, I thought I was going to have a vote for something shitty that was losing by a VERY wide margin...
Motherfucker...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-06 18:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-06 17:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-06 17:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't read either of them.
the first one ahd the word rape in it.
it's amazing how i can pick out the word rape.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-06 17:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-06 17:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
because i want to read the reviews and because you're probably losing
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
they were both retarded, but post 1 was kind of funy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually liked #2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 had a lot of mistakes (night instead of knight WTF LOL BRB) but it was funny I guess? #2 was comparitavely boring as hell.
So I figure...why not. #1.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:19:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 is clearly retarded.
I would have voted for entry 2 no matter what it was, but I actually enjoyed it. You did a nice job. Too bad you were up against a raging douchenozzle.
============================
you know, pentameter, in author 1's defense of his, erm, piece, I would have you remember that this is UberMadness, and there is a legitimate constituancy of users who are, in fact, retarded raging douchenozzels.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-06 15:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Entry 2, hands down.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-06 15:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2006-11-06 13:04:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1 made me laugh
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? I'm not reading all that!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2006-11-06 12:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF entry 1?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
number one was just fun
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Monday morning and I feel like shit, so-
#1 sucked cock. This is a Round Four Entry? Ass mints? Fucking hell.
#2 was very well written with lots of nice touches, but not really original. Still, #2 gets it for some nice wordcraft and for not sucking cock.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
one: yuck
two: yucky
I don't know what to say really.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 1 is clearly retarded.
I would have voted for entry 2 no matter what it was, but I actually enjoyed it. You did a nice job. Too bad you were up against a raging douchenozzle.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I change my vote to rad?
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really wasn't expecting to vote for 1 when I strated it. It started to grow on me but I thought 2 still had a better chance. Until I read it. Word of advice 2, try using half as many adjectives.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-06 11:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
¿Que?
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-11-06 10:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hard decision. these were very different stories for once.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-06 10:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
whichever's worse
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-06 10:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loaded like a freight train
Flyin' like an aeroplane
Feelin' like a space brain
One more time tonight
Well I'm a west coast struttin'
One bad mother
Got a rattlesnake suitcase
Under my arm
Said I'm a mean machine
Been drinkin' gasoline
And honey you can make my motor hum
Well I got one chance left
In a nine live cat
I got a dog eat dog sly smile
I got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go
I smoke my cigarette with style
An I can tell you honey
You can make my money tonight
Wake up late honey put on your clothes
Take your credit card to the liquor store
That's one for you and two for me by tonight
I'll be loaded like a freight train
Flyin' like an aeroplane
Feelin' like a space brain
One more time tonight
I'm on the nightrain
Bottoms up
I'm on the nightrain
Fill my cup
I'm on the nightrain
Ready to crash and burn
I never learn
I'm on the nightrain
I love that stuff
I'm on the nightrain
I can never get enough
I'm on the nightrain
Never to return - no
Loaded like a freight train
Flyin' like an aeroplane
Speedin' like a space brain
One more time tonight
I'm on the nightrain
And I'm lookin' for some
I'm on the nightrain
So's I can leave this slum
I'm on the nightrain
And I'm ready to crash an' burn
Nightrain
Bottoms up
I'm on the nightrain
Fill my cup
I'm on the nightrain
Whoa yeah
I'm on the nightrain
Love that stuff
I'm on the nightrain
An I can never get enough
Ridin' the nightrain
I guess I
I guess, I guess, I guess I never learn
On the nightrain
Float me home
Ooh I'm on the nightrain
Ridin' the nightrain
Never to return
Nightrain
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-06 09:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1 made me laugh
2 made me do nothing
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good God, both of these sounded like my round 3 entry, though at least Entry 1 was going for a Cystmaster kind of thing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That goes for you too, you rabid old cunt.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh fuck off.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I made fuck this AM.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one was ridiculous, but it kept my attention and made me laugh.
Entry two was a well-written slice 'o life, but it didn't really go anywhere, and I didn't find it too engrossing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps it is you who has the problem?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That one actually fit, kudos.
I'm tired and bored with you know, goodnight.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Forget it, I won't do it. Not for a million dollars.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He's going to end up a good lawyer.
Either that or needing one.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Way too many grammatical errors in 1.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 08:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The jar of sperm I keep in my fridge is holding up. I plan to get enough that I can tamper the water supply with my sperm. That way all the girls in my dorm will get pregnant when they take a shower. I'll do this juuust before thanksgiving so they attribute the weight gain to the holiday gorging.
You still talk to Williamson? How's he holding up?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By miles
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well yeah, that's what I told her.
But then she was all up in my face like "C'mon Thorpe, no more'a dat" so I just let it go.
Incidentally, how are the kids?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You can read minds? The next thing I was going to talk about was where the fuck day 7 is. Did you decide to pull a God?
My favourite ice cream flavour as a child was Monkey Business. It was banana with chocolate chips. Fucking delicious it was.
What is your favourite flavour, and what do you reckon was Steve Irwin's?
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Enjoyed reading entry two.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey sorry man, I forgot.
I disagree about the chipmunk part.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And here I thought night train was just some tasty booze.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 07:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It goes well, how are you?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-06 06:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thorpe is an AIDS faggot
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 06:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey I haven't voted yet so I can't read the reviews. I'm going to attempt to have a conversation with someone, without being able to read their comments.
I will be able to tell if someone's said something after me, and who made the last comment, so if one person keeps coming up I'll guess I'm talking to that person, and will alter my statements accordingly.
Well, to start off, hi. How's it going?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-06 06:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Finally.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-06 06:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-06 05:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I really didn't care for #1.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was hilarious.
#2 could have been so much better with a little more effort. Good concept, but not executed half as well as it could have been
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 was just confusing, and didn't really come together cohesively. Also, and it sounds petty, but smoking in underground stations is prohibited.
That said, Enrty one was just plain silly. But silly won, on this occasion.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, these were okay. Just about. #1 was wonderfully surreal, but didn't quite hit the mark it could have. #2 could have been longer and developed things more, but I preferred the style.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
blarrrrggghghghghghgh
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2 was good in parts, choppy in parts, but easily the better of these two.
-Dave
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-11-06 04:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-06 03:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1 had too much naughty language
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-06 03:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-06 03:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-06 03:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither of these grabbed me, but they were both worth reading, I suppose.
#1 was somewhat clever, but it seemed the absurdity was a bit gratuitous, as opposed to expanding on reality, which would elevate this type of writing. Read Ionesco.
Plus, it was all in the service of a mediocre fart joke.
#2 was interesting and well written, in spite of the awkward point of view change (which can be done but it requires more finesse than was offered here), but the story could have used more development.
I thought #2 was the better of a somewhat weak pairing.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-11-06 03:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't know which to vote for.
I'm in a totally emo mood, so I went for the one that cheered me up.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have written about Dick Lane.
+2 to anybody who knows who that is.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1, I don't know if it's because i'm half asleep, but i found it hilarious
2, started off shaky but got progressively better
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
2, you are lucky number one sucked.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 1 actually made me laugh, but #2 was good enough to overcome that.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-06 02:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uhh