Operation: Piss Off My Floormates (637 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.21 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dystopian (View user info) at 2006-11-06 21:06:49 EST
Hey, don't look at me like that! You have to love the freedom that comes with moving out your parent's home for the first time. However, I found that living on campus in the dorm really fucking sucks.
Honestly, I was a complete idiot to think that the dorm "experience" (not the kind of "experience" you get from roller coasters, the kind characterized by the an agony comparable to being kicked in the testicles repeatedly) would be anything but intolerable.
Firstly, communal bathrooms. There are two kinds of people in an all-girls bathroom: those that will go to any length to avoid contamination by germs and people gazing upon their nakedness, and those that walk around totally nude. The former is characterized by an extreme body-consciousness and the conviction that they are fat no matter how many times they accidentally fall into cracks in the sidewalk. The latter is also characterized by the same. While both are ashamed of their bodies, the first will religiously hide themselves, while the second will tackle any hapless victim that walks into the bathrooms with horrifying tales of how they ate a salad last night that didn't have non-fat dressing on it. These soul-sucking demons will regale the cornered victim with story after story about how fat they are, until the person is forced to admit that they really aren't that fat. These attention seeking whores must constantly be reassured by the rest of the female population of their cookie-cutter beauty, lest they do the world a favor and commit suicide. Thankfully, none of these girls has attacked me yet, or the RA would find them all trying to hang themselves shortly thereafter. I love crushing dreams.
On a related topic, I have taken upon myself the holy quest of pissing off every vapid bitch on my floor.
Stage One: Communal bathroom takeover. The method is simple and yet, very affective. In order to horrify the two categories of girls detailed above, I did the following. I decided that walking around in the nude sounded like fun. So, in my big-breasted, stretch mark, pasty glory, I walked about the bathroom totally nude preparing myself for a shower at the busiest part of the day. I even walked into another girl's shower, while she was bathing, and asked if I could borrow her shampoo (I conveniently forgot mine). The satisfaction I gained from the look of absolute horror on her faked-baked face is something that I will cherish forever. Now, you ask... how does this accomplish my goal of taking over the bathroom? Simple. The entire floor thinks I'm a lesbian now, after the girl I walked in on spread it around that I was some sort of weird European bisexual who strode around naked without a care in the world to her slightly stubbly legs and untanned body. That, and I have a bit of a mini-belly going on. It's like these five pounds that refuse to deposit themselves anywhere else on my body except my stomach. So, while I have bony arms and relatively skinny legs, I have this wee pot belly with a nice big stretch mark; ah the joys of dry skin. I named my belly Bob. Bob and I get along just fine. He asks for Taco Bell, and I produce. Anyways, so the entire floor thinks I'm an oversexed lesbian. Whenever I walk into the bathroom, all conversation stops and everyone vacates. I now have the peace and quiet to sing my horrible renditions of "Tainted Love" in the biggest shower stall.
Stage Two: Add Atmospheric Music. I have really fucking weird music tastes for a girl. Dressed up in the latest fashions, I prefer to cruise the town with Thrash Metal and foreign rock blasting from my car. The confused looks make it all worthwhile. In all of my genius, I decided that I should bring my music tastes back to the dorm. All of this was brought on by the single fact: I hate all the music my floor mates play. There are four genres of music I absolutely cannot stand: Pop, Country, Rap, and Broadway Musicals. Lo and behold, that's all that 90% of the girls play. Sometimes I hate being female. Anyway, the day of my takeover, I passed around a floor petition that would make it mandatory to close your door when playing music above a certain level. Naturally, nobody signed the thing. Posting it up on the bulletin board, I moved onto phase two: operation annoy the shit out of the floor. Turning my 200-watt THX certified computer speakers and sub woofer as loud as they could go, I put on a five hour play list of various Thrash Metal hits, old 70s metal, some Synth Rock, German Death Metal, and the ever popular Japanese Metal. Leaving the door opened, but the screen door locked, I then went to the grocery store. During the five-minute walk down the block to my car, I could still clearly identify each and ever song that was playing. Later, I found out from my roommate that the sub woofer got so hot it melted the shoe I threw on top of it. Returning back from my night of glorious debauchery, I found the play list on the last three songs while I walked up the three flights of stairs to my room. Passing the bulletin board across the bathroom, I saw that every available space on the "no music with your door open" petition filled with signatures. Mission accomplished.
Stage Three: Decorate. My RA is really really gullible. Basically, a month before Halloween, the entire complex announced a floor decorating party that would be judged the morning of Halloween. The RA in her endless naivety told us we were free to decorate the entire floor as we pleased. Naturally, half the floor had some nauseating female bonding session over making cute ghosts and carving pumpkins the day before Halloween. The entire floor looked like a giant pumpkin had thrown up all over it. Everything was orange or sporting googly eyes and fuzzy bat wings. I was horrified. It must be stopped. At four AM the morning of Halloween, I commenced Operation: Halloween For Sick Fucks with the help of like-minded friends from other dorms. We had purchased about $70 dollars worth of ribs and various cuts of meat, and about 10 gallons of fake blood. Because my dorm hallway was outside, we could safely use the blood without fear of property damage. Over the entire floor, we created really realistic bloody hand prints on everything (posters, the wall, doors, the floor) and proceeded to tear apart the raw meat, soak it in fake blood, and pitch it in various places (window sills, the ground, hanging off balconies). The end affect was like something out of a horror movie. My friend, who had a weaker stomach (and was "slightly" drunk) was so overcome by the scene that he vomited next to a particularly gruesome patch of dismembered meat. We decided to leave the vomit there for an extra special touch. Leaving the scene at about 5 in the morning, they returned to their dorms, and I returned to my bed to await the mayhem.
Around half past six, the entire floor was awaken by the sounds of hysterical screaming and more vomit. The girl next door to me (the blondest blonde that ever was blonde) had woken up to go take a shower, and stepped in a large puddle of blood and meat. Naturally, everyone vacated their rooms to see what the matter was. The sight of dozens of nauseous faces that early morning of October 31st is something that I will remember until the day I die. Everyone was so horrified, and my RA was completely speechless. By the time they arrived for the judging around 7, most of the people had left the floor from the stench of the rotting meat (we made sure to let it go rancid before the grand decoration). There are still bloody hand prints on the ceiling that no one can seem to wash off (great job Jacob!) and one particular corner still smells like rotten meat. The dorm monitors were so appalled they not only cancelled the entire Halloween Decoration Contest, they approved a measure to ban it in the future. Since nobody confessed to the slaughter, they made all the girls on the floor clean up the mess for about four hours (apparently, fake blood kind of stains... oops). Being a smart and intelligent human being, I got out of it by leaving the dorm after all the Halloween contest people ran off to get the people from the front desk. I love Halloween.
Stage Four: Mexican Party. Everyone in my dorm is either from the suburbs, or out of state. Here in the heart of Tempe, Arizona, we have a lot of minorities. For those unaccustomed to people that cannot afford Gucci sunglasses and Ralph Lauren perfume, this was very disturbing. Many of the girls on my floor religiously locked their doors and carried around mace on their key chains lest they be accosted by a the dreaded Mexican out to steal their job and their laptop. Being a good Samaritan, I decided to bring a little taste of Hispanic life to the dorm in the name of culture enrichment. At work the next day, I went over to the construction site down the block on my lunch hour and offered each of the construction workers (they were all Mexican) $40 to come and have a siesta on the floor of the hall in my dorm. I finally got about eight of them to agree after I promised them a free lunch too and found one that could translate my English to them (I don't know Spanish. Sad, but true). So, I paid them all $40 a piece and a nice sandwich from the deli down the road, and they agreed to show up at my dorm around two in the morning, where my friend would let them in (and sign them in to prevent trespassing problems) and they could all take a nice nap until my floor mates woke up. Sadly, only six guys showed up, but one of them gave me back $40 from his other friend who had to stay home and take care of his mother. The other one just didn't show. The guys there assured me they'd give him hell the next day at work. I told them its okay, I don't mind donating $40 for the cause of a worthy prank. Leading them up to my floor, we had them all situate themselves under the giant poster for the election that proclaimed: "Illegal immigration is ILLEGAL!". We thought the irony was fantastic, and so we took a few pictures.
When I woke back up at around eight, nobody was up yet, including my Hispanic friends. One had left in the middle of the night, but that's okay with me, I still had gotten five Hispanics that really didn't speak much English to fall asleep on the floor of my hall. By nine, people were starting to wake up, and we were down another Mexican. The other Latinoes were either sleeping or faking sleep. I explained the joke to them beforehand, and they obviously thought it was funny. The first girl walked down the hall right past them, stopped, turned around, and went back. I suppose she thought she drank so much Tequila she was hallucinating Mexicans or something. She just stood there in front of them staring at them like they were a sleeping pack of rabid wolves, and then ran down the hall to tell her friend. Half on hour later, the entire dorm was up and quite a few had vacated the dorm lest they be molested and brutally murdered by the cold-hearted Latinos. I walked this all from behind my screen door. Then, up come a security guard. He LOUDLY shouts at them, "you cannot sleep here! This is private University property!" and threatened to arrest them. By this time, I called my friend that signed them in under his name and had him wander up to where the cop was yelling at the confused Latinos. He told the guard that they were his guests, and they just wandered off last night in the middle of his art project. He then launched into an lengthy story about how he was supposed to paint a portrait typically of the locality in which he grew up. Naturally, Mexican construction workers were the obvious choice! Sadly, the guard didn't get the humor, and my friend got banned from bring in guests for the rest of the month. Nevertheless, the Hispanics were all really cool about it, and me and some friends took them out for breakfast the next day. Three of them were so amused by it the entire thing that they visited me at work the next week (I work at a bank) and my manager somehow got them, and then their entire families, to open accounts. I netted about 40 new accounts that week. Not only did I enrich the understanding of the native culture for my misinformed floor mates, I got a nice fat bonus and a few new friends that don't speak English all that well. All in a good day's work I say.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jim_Lokus (user info) at 2006-11-23 17:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Another rant by the douchebag cross-dressing tranny........how wonderful...
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-22 10:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cruel but amusing stunts.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The blood and meat prank deserves a high five.
I don't think she's fat. Having a little belly is ok in my book. Could be a Louisiana thing. Most of the women down here have "child bearin'" hips. Now, I'm no "save the whale" kinda guy, but I like my girls with a little meat.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yea and what he said! Idiot!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-11-07 06:30:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
A good read.
But if you're a girl, don't pretend you have a clue about getting kicked in the testicles.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're an idiot, a liar, self-admittedly fat and astoundingly good at alienating both males and females. What the hell is your problem? I can't believe you would post that "you don't deserve a penis" when you knew that you had posted this previously. Also nobody is going to believe that an idiot like you has $40 per mexican to piss away in the prank you made up above...
Submitted by starjem (user info) at 2006-11-20 16:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While it was hard to read with the long paragraphs, it made me laugh my ass off. Gee, and for a woman to write something funny without using the word "cunt", you should get automatic +2's forever...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-20 16:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you sound kinda fat...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-11-20 07:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus, you seem really bitter and full of hate for people who probably don't deserve it. Still, kinda funny.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-11-20 01:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2006-11-20 00:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is it just me or does anyone else get the feeling that this girl is a fatty while reading this?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-19 17:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not the Uber poliece, and could care less about trivial matters that you WILL be clubbed to death for. Good work, we expect more soon.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-19 16:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-19 16:33:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:11:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
huge fucking paragraphs holy shit.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-19 16:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:11:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
huge fucking paragraphs holy shit.
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2006-11-08 06:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Enough of this gay people saying. 'two posts in one day' = -2
blah blah blah
its getting a -2 cause i found myself drifting off into another world whilst reading it.
timmaaaah timmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-11-07 06:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A good read.
But if you're a girl, don't pretend you have a clue about getting kicked in the testicles.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
1 post a day n00b
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This really isn't that bad.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this. Why does this have such a low rating?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...and this little piggy squeals too much
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One-a-day
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential but otherwise just sucked
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ew
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto 2 posts in 1 day -2
Submitted by ScarfaceMN (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm thinking one thing: Alter.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-06 21:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
huge fucking paragraphs holy shit.
plus, didn't you already post today?