A Common Misconception (1081 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.08 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-06 22:11:06 EST
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Entry 1
Jesus once said, with a smile on his lips,To follows one's dreams is sublime.
The followers followed, and just like blood drips,
The clock just kept ticking the time.
And the masses moved on towards a finely tuned light,
Seeking shelter from dangers untold.
One by one they then reached unbelievable height,
Open arms, welcomed into the fold.
"It is here you are safe," said the voice from above,
Cooing softly but with great deliverance.
"It is here that you'll find truth and warmth borne of love,
If you deem to accept me in reverence."
And the creatures believed and they basked in his charm,
Feeling solace with each passing hour.
He bathed them with innocence and kept them from harm,
Until awe took them, raising his power.
Then he watched them to do things that mere mortals do dread,
All in the name of the lord.
The rooftops they shuddered, the seas then turned red,
Only spilled blood was left by the horde.
There was carnage and anarchy living on high,
And the air was thick ash on the wind.
From the fires of brimstone borne deeply inside,
Of an earth that was boiling within.
And then Jesus himself came to lead the parade,
That was causing the end of creation.
With the Devil beside him, what a duo they made,
Laughing loudly at such decimation.
Then the creatures did realize what errs they did make,
And they started to turn and repent.
By that time they knew it was already too late,
And the faith that was theirs was much spent.
"Oh lord do we deserve this deceit that you've wrought,
with your ill fallen angel in tow?"
The masses they asked with the fates that they bought,
By the following of such a foe.
"All I asked of you children," he said with a smile,
was to listen to my spoken word.
But you took it too far with your cunning and guile,
Turning selfish with all that you heard.
You cheated and tortured and lied in my name,
And you touted the scripture and verse.
And then represented yourselves when I came,
With a purity oh so perverse.
So I asked of a favor from my fallen lord,
A lesson for you all to learn.
That the false love of gods and the lies of the word,
Will repay to you all that you earn.
And the solace of crosses in the places you find,
When you pray at each one of your stations.
Are a gross example of blind leading blind,
Yet so common of a misconception.
For you see there is nothing that saves you your fate,
Your dark nature that turns on you now.
And the devil and I know that it's not too late,
To start over as turning a plow."
And with that came a roar and a sound very loud,
And the end of all creatures was nigh.
In the end both lords looked at each other and shrugged,
Starting over with nary a sigh.
- VS -
Entry 2
I was sitting in one of the new coffee shops that are popping up everywhere on an ordinary corner of a very typical street in an unusual city, as I always do on Thursday afternoons. My latte was bitter and too hot as usual, and I was skimming through the morning news while waiting for it to cool.Hmm.. another weather pattern that promised to wipe out three-quarters of a third world country half way around the globe. Really - it's too far away to care about, so I skip on to the next story. Latin American country number 2137 (aren't there a million of them?) had an insurgency that led to a military coup; but from the article, I can't tell what the difference was between the previous regime and the new one. Moving on I see that a new computer virus had begun to replicate at unheard of rates, spread through the internet into a popular software, the "big game" had been won by- well, some team I had never heard of. The latest scientific discovery was found to cause cancer rather than cure it, and the cost of healthcare is once again soaring. A big celebrity had deigned to visit China, and saddened by the number of people living below her income level, is pleading for money.
Satisfied that the news is all the same as usual, I get on to the important pages - daily puzzles. Being in a rather daring mood I pull out a pen to start working the crossword. After folding the paper just so, I take my first look at the square.
What's this? Some idiot has already written in the puzzle! Insufferable, really. Everyone knows that you can't work the puzzle in a coffee shop paper!
Disgusted, I take a sip of my coffee - the immediate searing pain telling me that my 42-second perusal of the headlines hasn't provided adequate cooling time.
The puzzle is less than half-way filled in, so I check the answers against the clues. One down, five letters - Clue: slaughterhouse product. The filled in (incorrect) answer: Meet, with a square left blank. Damn - even worse, the fool had been working the puzzle in pen, so I couldn't erase it and put in the correct word. It was black ink too, same as my pen.
Two across, eight letters. Inked in answer: Me. I feel a dull throbbing at the base of my neck. I like to think I'm not a violent person, but rage is beginning to gather.
Three down, 3 letters, Answer: At. I briefly consider tearing the paper into millions of little bits and throwing them around the room.
Four across, 12 letters: Geary <space> and . Wait... Was this some sort of cryptic message planted in the crossword? Had I stumbled into some sort of covert operation? A lovers tryst?
Five across, 4 letters: Post* An asterisk? What kind of not so cleverly concealed message ends with an asterisk?
A quick glance shows that there isn't any other writing on the page, so I turn it over - and there at the top, written in the same black ink: "No Sam, you idiot, this is a message to YOU. 5pm, don't be late. You're always late - this time don't be*."
Again with the asterisk. A second throb started in my head, this time in my temples. I sip my latte, not tasting the bitterness because of my scorched tongue. I look over the page, and in the bottom margin I find: "Yeah, it's kind of freaky, just go with it. 5 pm, corner of Geary and Post."
Glancing at my watch, I see that it's now 4:32, ample time to finish the unpalatable beverage before heading out to the odd meeting with ...well, I don't know who with. Should I change? Was this curious meeting a potential romance? Was I about to be dragged into the drug filled haze of San Francisco's underground society? What does one wear to a love-in, anyhow? What if I was going to be kidnapped? Forced to be a drug mule? Inducted into some sort of mafia or fighting group, the Patty Hurst of the Nineties? How had the writer of the messages known I would find them? Did my raspberry lipstick match my bag?
My swirling thoughts continue as I shrug my coat on, pick up my bag and headed out the door. I signal the first taxi I see, only to have it roar past me - the "in service" light clearly on. Damn. I should be paying more attention.
The light of the setting sun bounces off the 20 stories of windows that line the streets, the glare just the right angle to catch on the street sign, and I realize with a start that I am already on the corner of Geary and Post.
I know I'm not so good with details, but this is a bit of an embarrassing shocker. I regularly forget where I am supposed to be and when, but I usually know where I am at any particular moment. Glancing around, I hoped no one had noticed my mistake.
A time check revealed that it was ten minutes to 5, so I had made it to the corner on time. Ahead of time, even. I wonder if I should pop into the near-by coffee shop for a drink of some sort, and then reject the idea as I remember my burnt tongue.
So I stand, looking around, not knowing what I am looking for. A few minutes, flocks of pedestrians, two or three vagrants, and a dog pass me. I begin to reconsider waiting for some unknown to approach me when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
"Sam?"
I jump a little, but cover it gracefully (I hope) by turning to see who it is.
There I am, face to face with...myself? How did that happened? I looked different - but not bad. My outfit is much too plain, it needs something- maybe a bunch of jelly bracelets would work, although my raspberry lipstick does match my manicure beautifully.
The other plainer me spoke again.
"I know, weird, isn't it? Yes, I'm you, and if it's not too cliché, I'm from the future. Actually, even if it IS too cliché, I'm from the future. I came back to straighten me out, and tell me - the you version of me, a few things I'll need to know."
This was it! My big destiny! I am some sort of superhero in stilettos! I eagerly ask myself - that is my other, future self: "What? Am I going to Save the World? Am I going to stop the impending nuclear attack? Am I going .."
"STOP!" My un-accessoried self shouts, rudely interrupting me. "You're... I'm not that important. As I know I - you can figure out, in the future time travel will be fairly common. It doesn't take super-powers. And it doesn't make me some sort of hero."
"But," I, the now-me, says "Doesn't traveling in time and interfering in things change the future? What about messing up the time-space continuum, quantum physics or whatever it's called?"
My future looks slightly disgusted and rolls my eyes at me. "That's such a common misconception. I would think I'd be better than that. Time travel doesn't allow us to change things, we just put in the influences needed to move society forward. Records are broken and new discoveries are made when they are supposed to happen because we come back and tell you past-people how to do what needs doing"
"Well, what is it that I need to know to take humanity to the next level?" I (present)reply.
I look straight at me "I can't believe I'm this arrogant. Ok, here's the deal. Stuck in the past as you are, well - I am, but the you part of me, the clothes have got to change! I can't stand the pictures, so I came back to dress me better."
What a shock! I am a trend-setter! Well ok, more of a trend-follower really, but certainly one of the earliest adaptors! Paul (my husband) runs several clothing companies and I know designs before they hit the racks. I help choose the lines each season! I had been first to wear thick neon belts (and matching socks) over the long striped t-shirt. I had debuted the big crimped hair, and bigger hair bow, at the hottest nightclubs. I AM the poster girl for "the Gap." Well, not literally- we pay models to pose for the posters...
"Seriously, it's GOT to change" time-travel me interrupted my reverie... "God awful Madonna wanna-bes!" I shuddered.
"But I LOVE Madonna!" Now-me said. I frowned and thought of all the leggings, leg warmers, fishnets, and lace gloves that I so adored.
"Trust me, you'll thank me later for this intervention" I said. "Paul's stores sell khaki - it's going to be big! Jump into it now, paired with cashmere. Go Classic, not Trendy. Simplify. Sleek hair, pearls, twin-sets..
"What's a twin-set?" I interrupted future me... for once.
"A twin set is a matching knit top and sweater set - it's going to be THE thing. Very chic, very presentable, polished. Too bad it didn't come around earlier, the world would have been so much better off without ripped up 'Flash Dance' sweatshirts" I say as I glare at present me, as I uneasily clutch my puffy coat closer to cover my sweatshirt.
"Ok, that's about all I can tell you. I need to get back for lunch. I'm out now. Just remember: tell Paul to make khaki the focus for the Gap this Fall"
At this, I spin on my kitten heel and walk briskly away before I can even ask myself any questions. And I had SO many! What shoes do I wear with khaki? What colors should the cashmere be? Would my raspberry lipstick match the sweater-sets?
Hmm... Khaki this Fall into the Gap...
Sadly, although I should have told me, I guess I'll have to wait to see what happens next.
Entry 1:
august_sobriquet
Axolotl
Bigmike
Bubba2341
coley
Confuzitron
domenad
drgoatcabin
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
FunnyAsCancer
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
JoeyG
nrduncan
orph
peckerhead
rad1101
Shaun_Rocks
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
TheUniter
24 eligible votes (26 total) *
Entry 2:
Berty
Circe
Coyote
Crystle
darko
extacy_red
ghola
GMCrayon
GodChicken
gravitas
HadToBeDone
helbling
Hirilnara
homer42
indoninja
joedaddy
JonnyX
KindaNews
lechuza
Magicaddict
Maltese
MandaPanda
Method
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
Sacrilicious
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
supadupapupa
26 eligible votes (29 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-11-10 12:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Both of these had the guts to try something a little different. Cheers to that.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 11:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-10 11:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really like entry 1, and thought before I started reading entry 2, "This better be awesome."
And it was. I enjoyed the hell out of it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-10 01:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-09 15:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-11-09 08:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-09 06:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-08 19:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
NURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-08 19:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry one was excellent, just not my thing.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-08 18:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
awww i tied it
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-08 18:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
entry 1 had perfect rhythm and meter, as far as I could tell.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-08 17:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Neither of these were particularly good, but I really just didn't like the second one. The narrating character just blew
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-08 11:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-08 08:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-08 07:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn I'm voting for poetry. The end is really nigh for me.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-08 01:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never liked poetry. Unless it's haikus. Haikus are the sweet. Or emo poems.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-11-08 01:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
good job entry 2, I just don't like poetry
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
both good.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. was awesome!!
2. got kind of annoying/hard to follow with the present me/future me thing. Plus, going back in time to talk to yourself about fashion seems a bit trivial.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHA- very entertaining. Nice concept.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I really liked that poem.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-07 18:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
leggings, leg warmers, fishnets, and lace gloves that I so adored.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Was this curious meeting a potential romance? Was I about to be dragged into the drug filled haze of San Francisco's underground society? ... Did my raspberry lipstick match my bag?"
-----
I have to vote for Jack McCallum.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
number 2....
wtf?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Since I don't know what the fuck #2 was supposed to be, I'll vote for #1, which I enjoyed, even if poetry isn't my thing.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 just didn't grab me at all.
#1 was pretty cool
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-11-07 10:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-07 09:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
screw poems...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one's rhymes seemed forced in some places, but I liked its intent.
Entry two, this song is for you:
See the people walking down the street
Fall in line just watching all their feet
They don't know where they wanna go
But they're walking in time
They got the beat
They got the beat
Yeah
They got the beat
See the kids just getting out of school
They can't wait to hang out and be cool
Hang around 'til quarter after twelve
That's when they fall in line
Kids got the beat
They got the beat
They got the beat
Yeah
Kids got the beat
Go-Go music really makes us dance
Do the Pony puts us in a trance
Do the Watusi just give us a chance
That's when we fall in line
We got the beat
We got the beat
We got the beat
Yeah
We got the beat
Everybody get on your feet
We know you can dance to the beat
Jumpin' - get down
Round and round and round
- The Go-Go's, We Got the Beat
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-07 06:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-07 04:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not great, but I was recently in a hotel in SF about a block from the corner of Geary and Post, and I live stories where I can really imagine myself being there. #1's poetry didn't do it for me - not sure why, and sorry it didn't.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2006-11-07 03:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-11-07 03:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was really hoping for a spatter pattern of semen on some anonymous birds inner thigh.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-07 02:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't care for either of these.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
O RLY?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heroes-ripoff?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting matchup.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I blame Madonna
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
neither really worked well.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the end of 2 made me laugh.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-06 23:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heh
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Both pretty bad...
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I hadn't just read the entries for "Long Days," I would've thought this was an initial 'everybody competes' round.
I'm vote 'none of the above' because neither of these entries belongs in the same contest.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This shit is still going on?
did I mention I hate ubermadness?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was hard.
#1 wasn't bad at all. A little campy, but a good idea.
#2 was cute. I liked the crossword puzzle bit, but it fell apart after that.
Also until, "My outfit is much too plain, it needs something- maybe a bunch of jelly bracelets would work, although my raspberry lipstick does match my manicure beautifully," I had no idea the narrator was a girl. Your view point is very masculine and you write in a masculine manner.
I run into the same problem when I try to write from a guy's perspective.
I'll still go with #2 because I enjoyed the crossword bit.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
ooooooooooooooooooooooooh! pictures
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-11-06 22:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment