Banshee (778 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: -0.12 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-07 00:40:24 EST
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Entry 1
She is on the roof.I close my eyes tightly and will the woman to go away. I can hear the gentle, tentative footsteps followed by the sound of old shingles crumbling in her wake.
She pauses. In my mind I can hear her breathing—soft, raspy, sinister. The roof above me creaks as she kneels.
Then the scratching starts. Softly at first.
Scritch scritch scritch.
A piece of shingle tumbles down the slanted roof.
She becomes more insistent, digging into the eroding rooftop with her fingernails.
I was arriving home from a stay in the cold, sterile hospital when I caught a glimpse of her standing at the edge of the forest surrounding my house. She was thin, almost sickly so. Her hair was mangy and dark in contrast to her pale skin. Her eyes were sunken, dark brown with a glint of wickedness. She was wearing nondescript attire of a dark color. When I called out to her, she turned and ran barefoot into the brush.
She waits in the forest until night falls and the house is dark and the gentle sighing of the wind that rustles the leaves of the old oak tree outside of my window begins to lull me to sleep. She creeps from the forest and rattles the locked doorknobs of my house. Finding no entry there, she climbs onto the roof and begins her nocturnal endeavor.
She is pawing frantically at the tar now.
Suddenly, a mournful cry cuts into the silence of the night. Her resounding howl sends a shiver down my spine and a tremor of terror deep into my soul.
It is the banshee's wail.
She is coming for me.
- VS -
Entry 2
I caught you.You didn't see me, as I peered around the corner. You didn't notice as I watched you walk down that hallway, didn't stop and flush when I caught you singing. There was no cringe of embarrassment, no sudden turn of the spigot from which music flows.
I smiled as you continued, for it's the best kind of song, the kind no one is supposed to hear, the only ears graced by the notes your own. There is no fear, no wavering, no self-consciousness of having to prove yourself, so the voice is pure, the epitome of one's skill.
So as I stood there, my fingers curled around the wall as I eavesdropped, I couldn't help but applaud you silently in my mind. I leaped to the feet I was already standing on, clapping furiously as I screamed "Encore! Encore!" without ever making a sound.
And then you disappeared into a doorway, and were gone.
The disappointment that filled my chest was intoxicating, and soon I felt my legs go weak as the world began spinning around me. Here was the fabled Siren's song, the most melodic sounds known to man, and I had only been able to partake in it for a mere moment.
And it was all because you had to leave me, leave me with only the empty quiet of my buzzing head.
How could you do that? How could you give me a taste of Mozart, a fifteen-second sample of audio ambrosia, and then leave me with nothing? How could you deny the world, me, your gift?
Could you really be that selfish?
No. A seraphim such as you could never be that way. You simply must have deduced I was there, and cut yourself short lest I judge you harshly.
It must have just been your modesty showing.
Yes, yes, I'm sure that was it.
But still, I found myself wanting more. I wasn't satisfied with the small snippet that now runs through my mind like a roller coaster, a rush of excitement that's over before it really gets anywhere.
I had to hear the full concierto, no matter the cost.
Which is how I ended up here, the one place I knew you would be unafraid to bare it all, to belt your heart out to the heavens.
Though unfortunately, it seems I'm fashionably late. I see you've already started the show without me, so I hope you won't mind my slipping in through the darkness.
Ah, there it is now, the voice that raises me, that brings my heart joy unparalleled by mortal sounds. You truly are a goddess, mystical and flawless in every note,every word that escapes your lips.
It is all I can do to keep from crying, though I cannot help myself as a soft choked gasp breaks free of my throat.
And just like that, the music stops, your song slipping into a screech like a phonograph needle come free. You see me, sitting there amongst the shadows, and you scream again, hurriedly covering your wet, naked form. Around me, the tiles that line the room still echo your discordance, the acoustics amplifying the noise far beyond its normal capabilities.
Who am I, you ask?
Why, I'm your biggest fan, and I'd like to thank you for the private recital.
I think it genuinely helped me see the real you.
Entry 1:
august_sobriquet
Bigmike
Bubba2341
CaptainThorns
coley
darko
DCWoody
EchoBoxing
ghola
gravitas
Hirilnara
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
JMG114
KindaNews
lechuza
MandaPanda
peckerhead
TheUniter
17 eligible votes (19 total) *
Entry 2:
Axolotl
Circe
Coyote
Crystle
DrogoRoch
extacy_red
FunnyAsCancer
GodChicken
HadToBeDone
helbling
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
JoeyG
JonnyX
Lee
Magicaddict
nrduncan
Off_The_Wagon
pen_name
Pentameter
polyamorousaj
rad1101
Sacrilicious
Shaun_Rocks
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
supadupapupa
thedominator
30 eligible votes (32 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-09 18:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-11-09 16:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by helbling (user info) at 2006-11-09 08:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-09 00:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thedominator (user info) at 2006-11-08 22:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-08 11:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Creepy stalker cliche for the win!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-08 11:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-11-08 09:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 - creeepy...
#2 didnt strike me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-08 09:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was way too obvious. At least entry 2 was a little creative.
How is someone supposed to write around a title like Banshee? I think it's too restrictive.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-11-08 09:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Both of these felt like there was so much more that could have been said
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-08 07:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
clearly voted for the best filename
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-08 07:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked both #2 just gets it.
Submitted by Lee (user info) at 2006-11-08 05:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-11-08 04:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-11-08 01:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Both meh, but a shitty title does not usually lead to gold.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
such mediocre entries for such a cool title.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-very similar writing styles. I liked Entry 1's ending better.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked #1. You managed to spook me in vey few words.
#2 I can't say exactly why, but I liked even more.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A very literal use of the title, but it was concise and well written enough to get my vote. Thanks Author 1.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-07 18:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FART, AND THE WHOLE WORLD FARTS WITH YOU
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I always had a soft spot for spying on people in the shower.
Or maybe that phrasing isn't quite apt...
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 is a decent writer, but the entry was too short.
#2 is a shit writer, and the entry was too long.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-07 02:53:35 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's uncanny how the matchups I've read so far have been of roughly the same quality.
-
That's what happens when you indulge in this Swiss bumfuckery.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God. I was hoping for a great horror tale, and got these.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-07 10:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither was knock-my-socks-off outstanding, but number 1 read a little smoother to me.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-11-07 10:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-07 09:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like "scritch" as a sound effect.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought entries like this were supposed to be weeded out by Round 4, but evidently not. #1 sounds like it was written two minutes ago, yes conciseness is appreciated but there's no depth to the story. #2 is decent, but nothing special.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-07 08:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two could've almost been a sequel to entry one. One was short, tight, and creepy. Two was only a bit less so. I liked the throw-in fact about the hospital in entry one. Really strange and well-done.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-07 07:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
neither was good
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-07 06:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
#1 got my vote, but this paragraph almost lost it:
"She waits in the forest until night falls and the house is dark and the gentle sighing of the wind that rustles the leaves of the old oak tree outside of my window begins to lull me to sleep. She creeps from the forest and rattles the locked doorknobs of my house. Finding no entry there, she climbs onto the roof and begins her nocturnal endeavor."
The first sentence sounds like a cross-breeding of Hemingway and Salinger.
"Nocturnal endeavor?" Please...
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-07 04:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 could have developed better. #2 did, just about.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-11-07 03:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't possibly vote for "Scritch, Scritch, Scritch."
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-07 03:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually liked both of these pretty well. I think I woul dhave liked 2 better if not for the shower thing..and just pictured someone walking behind someone down the street or whatever.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-07 02:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
It's uncanny how the matchups I've read so far have been of roughly the same quality.
These were both pretty lacking, although I think #1 had real potential and was well written.
#2 did nothing for me.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-07 01:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-11-07 01:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"I have recieved the badly written note of the banshee"
Ubermadness is so fucking shitty....it's meant to get better as it goes on longer....how fucking long is this thing.....
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-07 01:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-07 01:01:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
both were pretty good...short and sweet woooo
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hard choice. I liked 2 better, and I was all enticed by the musical stuff. I thought 1 used the title better. Whatever.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-07 00:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. these seem like they were written by the same person. i'm voting for entry one, because reading anything in second person makes me weep.