Pillow Talk (1442 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: -0.03 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-11-07 11:40:22 EST
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
I rushed upstairs to the sound of knocking and opened the door. An overweight officer of the law greeted me, looking two days from retirement and less than a week away from a heart attack. By his side was a nasty little old lady, my neighbor.
"Good morning, sir. Are you Jason Curry?
"Yes, sir, I am. What can I do for you?"
"That's him, officer. Arrest him! He took my pillow collection! Snuck right in my back door and ran away with my things."
"Now, Mrs. Refior, we don't have any proof of that yet. Let me ask him some questions, OK?"
At that comment her twisted face seemed even uglier than usual. She had hated me since the first day we met, and I guarantee the feeling had remained mutual for many years. The nosy old biddy was always in my shit, poking her nose out from behind the curtain every time a car pulled in my driveway, hollering that I should shovel the snow off of the walks by 6:00AM, or pissing and whining because I only cut the grass every other week. Meddlesome bitch.
"Ah, sir, I asked you if we..."
"Sorry, officer, I guess I was woolgathering. What did you ask?"
"Mr. Curry, I asked if we might go inside and discuss this, ah, 'situation'"
"Yes, officer, you are most welcome to come in, but that old hag is NOT."
The bitch opened her mouth to say something, but the cop stopped her.
"Mrs. Refior, please. It's his house and all that, so please go on home and I will get in touch with you when I need more input into the investigation."
"Fine! I'll go home, but I want my pillows back before that pervert does something to them."
She stomped back in the direction of her house, shooting a look of pure hate back over her shoulder. I invited the officer to step inside.
"Mr. Curry," he began...
"Please, sir, call me Jason."
"OK, Jason, my name is Sean. Sean O'Malley."
At that point he removed his hat to reveal a crew-cut the color of a carrot, one with gray mold around the edges. His face was bright red as well, but from exertion or embarrassment, I wasn't sure. The lack of sweat on a man that size cast the vote for him being stuck in something he didn't like.
"Jason, here's the story. That lady next door has called us at least twice a month for the last year, lodging complaints about you and almost everyone on the block. This time she said she saw you run out her back door with a bunch of pillows, which you took to your shed. May I have a look in your shed?"
I knew the old bag was crazy, but did she think I was stupid? Break into her house while she's there, run out carrying a bunch of fucking pillows, hop the fence, and stash the loot in my shed in broad daylight?
"You may indeed look in my shed, or anywhere in my house. That woman is off her rocker."
"Jason, I found just what I expected, which was nothing. Sorry for the trouble."
Officer Sean O'Malley shook my hand as I let him out the front door, and he started to apologize again.
"Jason, I'm sure sorry about..."
"Sean, don't give it another thought. The woman is senile. You have a nice day."
As the officer walked to his cruiser, my mind slipped back to the second grade, when I had the meanest teacher ever, one Mrs. Refior. She loved to pinch little boys when they stumbled on a word while reading, sometimes pinching in places no one should touch.
As I turned to go into the house, I saw her peeping out past her curtain. I flipped her off and went inside, continuing down the stairs to the basement. The enclosed space under the stairs had a false panel, which I moved to the side. I reached in and pulled out a pink satin pillow while fumbling with my zipper.
"Stop pinching me, you mean old lady."
- VS -
Entry 2
"Come on darling play along. If you could have anything what would you wish for right now?"She smiles at me and closes her eyes as if pretending to think really hard. Her eyes fly open and lock onto mine and her smile slips slightly. She bites her lower lip and then answers my question.
"If I could wish for anything right now then I would wish for us to be together forever. Just like we are now; laughing and having fun."
She props herself up in bed and doesn't move her gaze from my face, I know that I have to say something quickly before the moment passes.
"Well Miss Dillon you will always have me. You make me so very happy."
The words flow off the tongue so easily and naturally that they become real. The smile on her face returns but somehow seems brighter. She leans towards me with her eyes closing and our lips meet.
--
"You stink of booze and cigarettes you need to have a shower and brush your teeth before you get into bed with me."
I love it when she is angry like this. I will have a shower and brush and then go back in a moment. I walk back into the room and throw the towel on the chair; that will cause me grief in the morning. I crawl under the sheets and my hands start to lift the back of her pyjama top.
"If you put that cold hand on me then you will be sorry buster. I warn you if you do that then you can go on holiday on your own tomorrow."
She knows that it's going to happen, and there is no way she wont come on holiday tomorrow. She struggles slightly but with no real will to resist. I am soon holding her down on the bed and tickling her.
"Do you submit to me Miss Jennifer Dillon or do you need to be punished more? Bow down before your master woman."
She giggles and begs me to stop. I roll off her and look into her eyes and kiss her forehead.
"So how was your night out with the lads then? Did you meet any lovely ladies?"
In the dim light I could see her eyes pleading with me to say no.
"It was alright darling. We just did our usual of drinking lots and talking crap. When Shakira turned up and begged me to take her in the back room I just told her I was already spoken for."
Her smile fills her face and she reaches for me as she climbs on top of me. Leaning forward her hair brushes my face as she moves towards me for a kiss.
--
She sits on the bed beside me on the phone talking excitedly. It is phone call number eight so far and she is still talking as if it's the first call. I am just lying here waiting for her to finish, occasionally adding a comment when required. She keeps turning and kissing me before going back to talking. And then call number eight finishes.
"Just one more call Richard and then I will stop for the evening I promise. I have to tell Caroline, she told me you were going to do it but I didn't believe her. I love you, you are so amazing and the ring is so beautiful. One last call I promise."
She kisses me and picks up her phone again to call her sister. My Jennifer, so beautiful, everything I have always wanted, and she will be my wife. I am glad she is so excited I have wanted to propose for the last year but I wanted to make sure our finances were sufficient.
"My parents send their love Richard; they said they will talk to you tomorrow when you can get a word in without me in your ear. Now my poor neglected future husband what can I do to cheer you up? How can I show you how much you mean to me?"
Her phone starts to ring and she mouths an apology as she reaches for it. I smile and lie back, I can wait it's just so good to know she is happy. She leans over and kisses me before answering the phone.
--
"So how do you feel Mrs Jennifer Howell? Do you feel different from this morning?"
I look down on my beautiful bride lying on the bed. Her white dress is spread around her in stark contrast to the red sheet. She is smiling and there is a flush on her cheeks. My heart skips a beat as I kneel down beside the bed.
"You really are the most beautiful woman in the world. I will spend the rest of my life making you happy every day. I am the luckiest man alive to have you."
She smiles at me and we kiss.
--
"Darling I wish I could take the pain away, I really do. We will try again; it will be alright next time I promise. It just wasn't meant to be this time. I love you darling; we still have each other and we will get through this."
She sits with her back to me as I try to cuddle her from behind. Her sobs wrack her whole body. Her hands rest holding her stomach as if they can put back what was once there. I move off the bed and kneel in front of her and take her hands in mine.
"I don't know what to say to you Jennifer, I have nothing that can take the hurt away and maybe it shouldn't be completely removed or forgotten. What I do know is that I love you and I am here for you and always will be. We can get through this together."
Her hands squeeze mine and I lean forward for a kiss.
--
"I can't believe it. I really can't believe it Jennifer. You are amazing, we are amazing. He is just so perfect."
I look down at Michael, my son, wrapped up and nestled in the arms of my beautiful wife. She is sitting up in the hospital bed and Michael is feeding. My heart swells.
"Thank you Richard. When we lost our first I really didn't think we would be able to, but look at him he really is perfect and he has your nose."
I look down at my son and reach for his tiny hand. He looks at me with Jennifer's eyes. We both lean forward and kiss him.
--
"Just get the fuck out you fucking arsehole, get out get out get out of my fucking sight. I hate you and I never want to see you again."
I stand in the doorway to our room and try to move towards the bed. I want to put my arms around her and tell her I am sorry. If I can get close enough to her I can make everything alright again.
"I can't believe you would do this to me you bastard. I love you and you treat me like shit you promised me this would never happen. How could you do this to me? And with her for fuck sake. Just get out!!"
I start to turn away as Michael starts crying. He comes out of his room and I reach for him to give him a kiss and tell him everything is fine. He runs to his mother on her bed.
--
I reach over and feel her beside me. She stirs slightly at my touch and rolls onto her back. I lay my hand on her stomach trying to feel the new life there, a brother or sister for Michael. Hopefully he will take to the baby when it comes; the last two years he has been awkward.
I lean over her and kiss her, and her eyes open.
"I didn't mean to wake you my darling. I just wanted you to know that I love you Caroline, and I always will."
Entry 1:
august_sobriquet
Bubba2341
Coyote
darko
EchoBoxing
FunnyAsCancer
ghola
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
joedaddy
JonnyX
KindaNews
Pentameter
professorfuckface
rad1101
ripple
Sacrilicious
SPECIALk
St_Jimmy
stevie_says
Stin
supadupapupa
TheUniter
23 eligible votes (24 total) *
Entry 2:
Amontillado
Anansie
Axolotl
Bigmike
Chillax
coley
Crystle
DrogoRoch
foster
HealthyCorpse
hour_man
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
JoeyG
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
nrduncan
Orgasmatron
ParlorTrick
Shaun_Rocks
simple_catalyst
Skolky2
sparkle_pink
Stagger_Lee
The_Yellow_Dart
WingedFoote
23 eligible votes (26 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On second thought, I didn't deserve to lose. It all came down to the opinion of
one person.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-11 20:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say?
I fucking lost.
I deserved to lose.
Snark, I .....
:-D
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-10 17:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Number one was a good example of how not to fall into a trap inherent in a title like this.
Number two was a good example of how to fall into the trap and then make a cliche interesting reading.
Goddamn this was a really really hard call. Despite the tough reviews they got, I enjoyed them both.
This almost came down to a coin toss but in the end I had to go with #2.
I've been chewing my tongue over this all day.
In the end, the shortfall of both stories was the ending. For me, it came down to Full Circle versus "Stop pinching me, you mean old lady."
Well done to you both and congratulations to author #2 for winning the round.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-10 12:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn, this is a hard choice.
I gotta think on this one awhile guys.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 11:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HealthyCorpse (user info) at 2006-11-10 11:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-10 10:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Another tie-break for Cancer, woo!
#2 reeeeally hates me.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-11-10 10:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Really? You actually wrote "arsehole?"
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-10 02:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you're welcome
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-10 02:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-11-09 21:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm afraid I didn't really like either of them that much, though number two had some good moments, so that's the one I'm going with...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-09 20:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is one of three posts that are closer than shit......
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-11-09 13:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-09 13:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
2. was ok.
1. was pretty good and a very creative take on the title.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-11-09 11:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-09 06:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 was the better piece, even though I knew the second that I finished #1 I would probably vote for it anyway.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-11-09 06:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was better written (except the abrupt ending transition, you know what I mean)
but child molestation is always better
circle gets the square
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-09 03:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel sick today.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-11-09 03:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
feeling silly so #1 you get it! filename was perfect!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-08 20:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-08 20:48:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
*********
Reviews like the above are so informing. I have done the same.
Ur...ah... never mind.......
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-08 20:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-08 20:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-08 17:50:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think both could have been better.
#1 had tremendous potential, but was just okay.
#2 was structured in an unnecessarily confusing way. I guess I know what you were going for, but I don't think it was completely successful.
****************
SHIT!! One of my body parts is sure to fall off. I agree with Kinda.....
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-08 17:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think both could have been better.
#1 had tremendous potential, but was just okay.
#2 was structured in an unnecessarily confusing way. I guess I know what you were going for, but I don't think it was completely successful.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-08 17:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither were great. 1 was trying to hard for a twist. And the cop spent a second and a half looking in the shed. Entry two got a bit lucky that I "wont" vote for 1.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-08 16:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-08 15:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the grammar in two was baaad.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Generic" - Circe
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry granny pillow pervert, you have promise.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-11-08 10:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
These were not the pick of the crop. #1 was cliched and too short to develop anything. #2 had a good idea, but the qaulity of the writing was rough. I like more commas. #2 on the basis of a good concept.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-08 09:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't particularly like either one of these, but entry 1 was a lot more creative.
Entry 2 was just too damned cliche. I saw the ending coming from a mile away.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-08 08:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tough call.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-07 23:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Skolky2 (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Stop pinching me, you mean old lady."
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
um
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Both needed more depth.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-07 19:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-11-07 18:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 was a little awkward, but I liked it better than 1.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-07 17:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
both pretty meh, but #2's lack of commas really made it hard to read.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-11-07 16:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Bleh.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-07 14:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-07 13:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Only because two was so fucking stupid and overdone.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 left me confused, but #1 seemed like another tale leading to a punchline... or maybe I am just confused there as well.
Jesus Christ.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-07 12:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Both were fairly shit but this was the lesser of two evils.
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
still waiting for one worth reading
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-07 11:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment