Violent Skies (230 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2006-11-07 11:57:48 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
The Sun slowly opened his eyes and stared straight ahead at the ceiling above him. He didn't want to move his eyes because he'd know how bad his hangover really was.
Braving against his past and wincing at his future, The Sun looked to the left and his bedside table, where his Scooby Doo alarm clock reported the passage of time: four and a half billion years.
Forgetting his hangover, The Sun bounced out of bed as if he were ready to greet the day but was, in fact, scared shitless of it.
"Four billion years," he said in both an exclamatory and inquisitive tone, "but just yesterday I was celebrating my..."
Looking around, The Sun could make out "Happy One Billion!" signs posted all over the walls of his room. Most of the "ones" were crossed out, though, and replaced with numbers two through four. The handwriting was progressively more sloppy as the billions of years ticked by in the past.
It felt like only yesterday The Sun was entering his happy-go-lucky teenage phase, where nothing could go wrong and everything was super! But today The Sun was already on the verge of middle age. Soon he would begin to expand into a Red Giant, something that was so far away that it had not even begun to be considered by the nubile Sun.
"I need to fuse some hydrogen," The Sun said, realizing it was the one thing that could help him recover from the previous four billion years' craze.
The Sun scraped his feet over to his desk in the corner of the room. In the top drawer, way in the very back, was where The Sun kept all of his hydrogen. As The Sun unlatched that container and peered inside, he saw what no four and a half billion year stars had seen before him.
Nothing.
The hydrogen wasn't in its usual spot. But that didn't mean it didn't exist. Perhaps The Sun had stored his hydrogen in a safer place, where the stars The Sun had invited over (and those stars' friends, in particular) wouldn't find his hydrogen and pinch a little bit of it for their own fusion.
The Sun checked his second drawer, which held his bottle cap collection, and his third, which held various knick knacks and paddy whacks. But no hydrogen.
The closet, under the bed, pockets in every conceivable pair of pants were checked but yielded no successful result.
"Oh man," said The Sun dejected, "I had a 10 billion year supply of hydrogen and I blew it all last night at the party?"
His blackout turned to a brownout, as The Sun's memory was taking itself for a little jog. He remembered sitting in a circle with Mercury and M32, who had made the long trip from the Andromeda Galaxy to hang out with The Sun on his special night(s). The Sun remembered fusing hydrogen with those two, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. The Sun fused hydrogen with Mercury all the time. Adding one other star wouldn't diminish that much Hydrogen.
The Sun picked up his cellular telephone, surprised at the fact its battery still had juice, and dialed his next door neighbor, Mercury.
"Hey Merc, what's up? It's The Sun," he said.
"Hey man," replied Mercury, in a squeaky tone one would expect from such a tiny planet. "how you doin'?"
"Not too bad, not too bad," said The Sun, hoping to move into the pressing issues as fast as possible. "And you?"
"Eh," replied Mercury, "I've been better. That hangover from the last four billion years is killing me."
"Yeah...yeah..." The Sun offered without remorse or care, "hey listen man, do you happen to know if we fused more hydrogen than normal last night?"
"Uh, maybe a little more than usual, I guess. Why?"
"Well because I can't seem to find mine," said The Sun, hoping that Mercury would have all the answers. "Sure, you asked me to keep it safe," he could say. Or even "don't worry, The Sun, everything is going to be okay. Have an amount between some and all of my hydrogen. I don't really need it."
But what Mercury said was not along those line.
"Sucks dude," said the tiny satellite. "Listen, The Sun, I'm running pretty low on hydrogen now myself. I'm down to 3.2 percent hydrogen in my atmosphere so I was planning on making a trip out to my dealer today. I've known him for a while so it would probably be cool if you came with. You got some cash?"
"Sure man," said The Sun, eager to start fusing again. "does this guy deal in bulk?"
"Let's just say the guy is made out of the stuff," Mercury said, cackling. The other end of the line went dead and The Sun was left alone with his wavering state of hydrostatic balance.
--
The trip to the dealer took much longer than The Sun had expected. Even though they took a route to avoid bitchy Venus, Mercury and The Sun were still caught up by Earth and Mars, who couldn't stop talking about the hangovers they had as well.
After a hop over the asteroid belt, Mercury waved his hand over the spacescape in a majestic fashion and presented the grand planet known as Saturn.
"Looks a little vicious, doesn't it," remarked The Sun on Saturn's most distinctive feature. "What would happen to a guy if he stepped into that?"
"Beats me," Mercury said, "But I heard that's how Pluto and Charon were separated in the first place."
Mercury stepped under the rings and knocked on Saturn.
A gentle rumble erupted from the planet. "Hey baby," said the giant, easily dwarfing Mercury. "Who's your friend, sailor?"
"Saturn, this is The Sun. The Sun, meet Saturn."
"Damn, boy," Saturn said. "You look so much smaller from all the way over there. But your fusin' ass is fuckin' big, isn't it?"
The Sun didn't know whether the remark was a compliment or an insult, so he merely chuckled.
"Enough fun time, Chuckles," Saturn said to the big fuckin' fuser, "My bud Merc here tells me you're looking to make a bulk purchase."
The Sun nodded his head in earnest.
"That's what I like to hear. Now here's the skinny, fatsos, I'm more than 93 percent hydrogen and I'm poor as hell. Now gimme some dough and we'll be lettin' the hydrogen flow, y'dig?"
The Sun did not know if he "dug" or not, unaware of the existence and meaning of the term. The Sun looked to Mercury for guidance. Mercury looked to Saturn for the same. Saturn nodded his head to Mercury and Mercury did the same for The Sun. The Sun then nodded and Mercury and nodded at Saturn.
"Good," Saturn said.
The Sun handed Saturn a wad of cash as big as Mercury and Saturn weighed out and handed The Sun enough hydrogen to last for another billion years. Saturn also slipped Mercury a small finders fee as an incentive to bring in more business.
The Sun got his hydrogen and could keep on fusing hydrogen! Saturn made a lot of cash! Mercury pocketed a few bucks too!
What a happy ending!
...
"Ho ho ho."
...
"Ho ho ho."
"Uh, Mercury," The Sun asked, "what the hell is that?"
Mercury orbited all around, looking for the answer. "Maybe it's in the asteroid belt somewhere?"
"Ho ho ho."
The sound kept repeating, haunting the minds and souls of our protagonists.
"Vile creature," implored The Sun, "whether you be demon, black hole or even God himself, show us where you are so your residence is no longer that of my head. For I fear it is not a suitable mansion for your majesty."
"Turn around," said the booming voice.
Mercury and The Sun did as they were commanded, and came face to face with Saturn again. But it was not his menacing laugh that tortured the seekers and finders of hydrogen.
As Saturn slowly orbited away from the spot, the maniac became visible bit by bit. He was huge, nearly as big as The Sun and with a field of gravity that was near impossible to resist. Slowly, The Sun and Mercury were drawn to this huge mass, which only seemed to get bigger as they approached it.
The giant surveyed the two for a moment, including the hydrogen still in The Sun's hand.
"You sure are a god damn fool, you know that?" asked the gravity-producing colossus. "Walkin' around with that much hydrogen in your hand will land you in jail so fast you won't even be able to say 'pontificate.'"
"Huh?" asked The Sun, completely oblivious of Galactic Code 4325-3.
"Bitch it's all spread out in GC 4325-3," explained the gaseous gargantuan. "A being may not carry more than their allotted amount of hydrogen through space nor time in conjunction with the Wormhole Act of 6750. Each being's allotted amount is relative to the amount they were bestowed with upon The Big Bang minus what it has used since. The sale and transfer of hydrogen is strictly prohibited. Punishments include blabiddy bla bla. You get the point. Oh, by the way, my name is Jupiter. Pleased to meet ya, playas."
Hands were shaken.
"Now from all the way out here," Saturn said, "I thought I saw you give Saturn a wad of cash as big as my Great Red Spot. Is that a truth, brotha'?"
The Sun confirmed that it was, in fact, a truth.
"And that hydrogen you're carrying all up in yo' badass self, that's all that Saturn gave ya, right?"
The Sun confirmed that this too was a truth.
"Well," said Jupiter as he stroked his chin, "it's my duty to inform you both that you were screwed."
The Sun shot Mercury a glance. This was, after all, his "guy."
"Mercury, what the fuck?" asked The Sun with more fatigue than anger.
"Uh..." Mercury stammered, taking steps back towards the asteroid belt and his safe, warm little orbit.
"Where the fuck you think you're going?" asked Jupiter. All of a sudden, it felt like the gravity in the galaxy had been turned on for the first time. In reality, Jupiter had unleashed the full fury of his gravity upon Mercury and was drawing him in for a final plunge through the devastating atmosphere of Jupiter. If he made it to the surface, he would be crushed into smithereens. If not, all the better.
Mercury struggled for his life, of course, but in the end he was just too small and couldn't overcome the awesome power of the elephantine gargantuan.
"One down," said Jupiter, looking at The Sun and then out to Saturn. "One to go."
Both soldiers glared out to the other side of the universe, where Saturn was casually floating and counting his newfound fortune, totally unaware of the plot being concocted against him.
As he floated towards us, Saturn made eye contact with Jupiter and nonchalantly turned the other way. As Saturn came closer and closer, The Sun was wondering who was going to make the first move.
It was Saturn.
As nonchalantly as he had turned away, he turned back towards The Sun and Jupiter, but this time was packing two 9mm handguns, each blazing bullets headed towards Jupiter.
Dodging the bullets and pulling out handguns of his own, Jupiter used The Sun as a shield, knowing that any bullets he took on would melt long before they produced any kind of exit wound.
"You mothafuckaaaaaaa!" screamed Saturn as he hid behind one of the larger asteroids in the belt, spewing bullets at a feverish pace.
"Biiiioooooootch!" yelled Jupiter as he strafed left, hoping for a better position to fire upon Saturn. "You screwed the kid with a bum deal!"
The Sun felt hot lead enter him twice...three times but no sound of pain erupted from Jupiter's lips.
"Heeeeeell no!" retorted Saturn. "It's a black market deal. It's not unjust because we both got what we wanted out of the transaction."
The ring of bullets exiting their chambers stopped.
"But in such a market," Jupiter said, "both the buyer and the seller must have perfect knowledge of the situation for such a deal to be just."
"Perfect knowledge is a myth," said Saturn, letting his guns drop to his side. "No consumer or buyer can ever conceivably know everything about every market, even with one specific good. And especially on the black market. We agreed on the transaction and it was done so. That is the market in its purest sense. Just because the kid's got buyer's remorse doesn't mean it's my fault."
"Doesn't it?" asked Jupiter. "maybe the kid wouldn't be having buyer's remorse if you didn't screw him so badly."
"Well he wouldn't have even known he was screwed if you hadn't told him! This story could've been over a long time ago!" exclaimed Saturn.
"Got a point there," said Jupiter.
The Sun, by this point had forgotten the fuse the hydrogen molecules he was holding. By default, he had started processing hydrogen outside of his core, in the less dense regions of himself.
The search for new hydrogen outside the core caused The Sun to expand rapidly and decrease in temperature, from yellow to red.
"Biiiiiitch no," said Jupiter, as he was very close to The Sun and was vaporized almost immediately. "I tried to heeeeeelp you."
Saturn shared a similar fate but called The Sun "ho" instead of "bitch."
As The Sun expanded in this spot, the galaxy radically changed. Seeing as he was not at the center where he was supposed to be, a new gravitational pull was formed which slowly ate the rest of the planets but left out Pluto because it wasn't worth it and also Pluto was never a planet.
Fuck Pluto.
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