Ubersite
Home - About Us - Contact
"Work is the scourge of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde
Welcome to Ubersite!
Search Ubersite
Search for:

Most Recently Reviewed
  1. Byro-monster
  2. 100 Things I like
  3. Pictures of Things I Like ...
  4. I just got tits-wasted! Wo...
  5. Thomas
  6. Coconut Run Challenge
  7. Remember me?! It's EI and ...
  8. WARNlNG: OATHY, THlS COULD...
  9. 21 days
  10. 15 Step
more...
Most Heated
  1. Holes. (134 heat)
  2. Uber Haiku Time!! (107 heat)
  3. You assholes should be ash... (88 heat)
  4. Dear Uberers of NYC and Gr... (88 heat)
  5. I'm jumping on the switch-... (64 heat)
  6. Oathmeal sticks a sweet bi... (50 heat)
  7. SPT: The Mathematics of Uber (48 heat)
  8. Uber A-Lister Top 5 List! ... (45 heat)
  9. The Shatner/Lee Incident (... (43 heat)
  10. Something REALLY Stinks In... (41 heat)
more...
Most Viewed Messages
  1. The Ultimate MS Paint: It... (1149864 hits)
  2. "If I cum now, will it be ... (708094 hits)
  3. Exploiting Peer-to-Peer Ne... (387924 hits)
  4. How To Pick Up Chicks (328814 hits)
  5. Motivating the Weekend (310453 hits)
  6. Knockoff porn movie titles (303942 hits)
  7. My J-Date Misadventure (288417 hits)
  8. Licking A Bum's Ass (252482 hits)
  9. Badass Australian Cows (248498 hits)
  10. Totally Useless Facts (233664 hits)
more...
Most Viewed Authors
  1. Bart Cilfone (1472422 hits)
  2. Stanley Moore (1451454 hits)
  3. Razor (1413953 hits)
  4. JMG114 (1392942 hits)
  5. MickGinny (1297398 hits)
  6. loki (1070484 hits)
  7. Jonukah (986904 hits)
  8. weeeeep (933895 hits)
  9. Most Hated (931800 hits)
  10. Cat Crooner Extraordinaire (895278 hits)
  11. Ubersite needs me! (888832 hits)
  12. Abortions Tickle (886503 hits)
  13. Tom (839171 hits)
  14. Sideburns, MUHFUCKA (817289 hits)
  15. apollo88 (776147 hits)
  16. T+I+G+E+R (764923 hits)
  17. oy vey (763651 hits)
  18. Sorrell (752022 hits)
  19. Satan is my Motor (696396 hits)
  20. Alter 5694™ (695570 hits)
  21. RON PAUL 2008! (692574 hits)
  22. HIDDEN101 (691385 hits)
  23. User Blocked (650721 hits)
  24. Phil Phone (648310 hits)
  25. TTOM88 (638047 hits)
  26. iddqd (627373 hits)
  27. kaos-king (612311 hits)
  28. comicbookguy (606066 hits)
  29. ♥ (589234 hits)
  30. O (584641 hits)
Click here to return to the list of messages.

Not an Ordinary Love Story (323 hits)

Category: None

Rating: -0.57 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Labels:

Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2006-11-08 13:42:58 EST


Henry stared down into his cappuccino, vaguely aware of the various swirls and patterns formed by the cream. He had come to this café many times before, but somehow, this time felt different.

"I have something to tell you..." His voice tapered. He looked up, meeting Mary's eyes only for a moment, before lowering his eyes again.

How could he express what occupied his heart and mind nearly every moment of his life? One part of him wished desperately that, by some miracle, he would be blessed with the courage to convey what he wanted so desperately to say. The rest of him, however, knew better. He would fail again, as he had done so many times before. He would be a loser. Again.

Mary touched Henry's cheek softly, urging him to continue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary had met Henry exactly two years ago at this café. She found herself caught in the midst of lunch hour, and tried to grab a quick bite at the café. All the seats were occupied, except one. One seat in a table meant for two. She glanced at the man, who she now knew as Henry, who occupied the other seat. He was a large man, but he did not seem dangerous. He was sitting alone, as he always seemed to be.

She approached him, somewhat nervously, and smiled. Henry looked up disinterestedly and then looked back at his sandwich. Mary tried to start a conversation to lighten the tension in the air. It was an awkward conversation, with Henry just answering Mary's questions in as few words as possible. However, something about Henry intrigued Mary, and she continued. Through relentless questioning, Mary was able to piece together that Henry had been abandoned as a child, and become just another mouth to feed in a decrepit orphanage. After being released, he found work at a small butchery shop. He sliced meat in the back of the shop. He said that he liked the job because he found himself alone. His only friends were the smell of flesh and sight of blood. He had been isolated for so long that he could not bring himself to emerge from the hard cocoon of numbness that he found himself seeking the refuge of time and time again.

Mary was amazed by his utter simplicity. Beyond his grunts and rough exterior, Mary saw something more: a beautiful person, a sensitive person who was wrongly a victim of society's cruelty. Intrigued by something she could not fully understand, Mary invited Henry back to the café once more. One time turned to two and two turned into fifty. They met for two years, with Mary waiting for him to emerge from his cocoon, a beautiful butterfly. Thousands of times she managed to convince herself that he would emerge, and thousands of times Henry proved her wrong. As the days passed, she couldn't help but wonder if he was destined to be entrapped forever in this cocoon of isolation; his corpse entangled in the fibers. She wondered if she had been wrong about Henry. She wondered if this real life Beauty and the Beast story that she found herself in was just a figment of her imagination. Maybe fairy tales didn't happen. Maybe this relationship, if one could call it that, was overly glorified in her mind and transformed into something that it wasn't at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Henry's heart stopped for a second as Mary's hand touched his cheek. His eyes widened in recognition. This was the miracle that he was hoping for. He had found the courage to say what was he had been holding in for too long. He knew this was going to be hard, but dammit, he wasn't going fail himself again.

"Mary..." He raised his eyes once more, but this time he did not lower them.

"I'm a gopher." Mary watched in horror as Henry then proceeded to take off his own head. Henry's body went limp and a tiny gopher popped out of its neck. It then moseyed out of the door of the café and into the pouring rain, where it was promptly run over by an 18-wheeler.

And then this grizzly bear comes out of fucking nowhere and totally rapes Mary.




Twice.




In the pooper.

This Gopher Resembles a Phallus.jpg (12 kB)

Submit to Digg Submit to StumbleUpon

User Reviews


Submitted by Miss_Collins (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

hmmm...i got to HENRY
but not because i can't read like you (hooked on phonics does work, babe), but i just dont give a shit about your heartfelt, i-have-a-vagina bullshit
all least my shit was semi-funny

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-18 12:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-08 19:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0



Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-08 16:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Dude, that's a hostel.

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Ahh, Jason, may I call you Fag? Listen, Fag, this isn't Hallmark or the Lifetime channel. Keep that shit to yourself for the rainy days when you wear a mock turtle neck and sip spiced egg nog by the softly crackling fire emitting from your flaming ass. This is 2006 for Christ's sake. Man up and only be a pussy in private, just like the 50's.

Good day to you, and heed my message well.

Adeu.

Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-08 14:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

agree with the below

Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:46:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

Have another -2 for the phallic rodent

Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

because I knew this was about rape, scrolled down to the end, and I was exactly right.

Where's the sense of mystery?


He's taking funny talk.

-- Homer Simpson
Like Father, Like Clown