D-Prime Madness III Has Been Won : "We, the Living." (515 hits)
Category: NewsRating: -0.25 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by D "Objectivist Who Routed For The Democrats" Prime (View user info) at 2006-11-09 02:38:31 EST
The final two members of D-Prime Madness, Goferforhire and Jared, were to clash for the championship. But Gofer' did not clash. Apparently my format was too complicated for him and he never e-mailed an entry; either that or having to face Jared intimidated him, as was certainly the case with Maltese.
Well, here is the winning post, "We, the Living" by Jared, the champion of D-Prime Madness III. Enjoy.
Congratulations, "bro."
-
"Being dead sucks!" a dead guy said, "I can't move or think or speak!"
"I know!" a dead guy missing the lower half of his face agreed, "We can't even taste jack shit! I miss beer!"
"Beer rocks!" a dead woman said.
"Yeah!" the brother of the first dead guy said, "We should take over the living world so that everyone will know what it's like to be dead!"
"Woo!" all the dead people everywhere said.
Up in the world of the living, things were great!
"Being alive is fucking max!" a living person said.
"Dude, living is BOSH," another guy said.
Some other guy shot the guy who said the last thing. "People who say 'bosh' should not be partying with those of us who like living!"
"Yay!" everyone cheered.
Suddenly, some dead people came by. "Ragh!" they clamored, "We're dead and we're going to make you all dead, too!"
The king of a small, West African nation stood up and said, "That's not fair! You had your shot and you had to go and die! It's not our fault that you were dumbasses!"
"Yeah!" everyone living agreed.
A dead guy threw a spear and killed the West African king.
"Oh no!" a living girl who was carrying a cat said, "The Black guy is dead!"
The West African king stood up among the dead. "Bagh!" he yelled, "Being dead sucks."
The dead people all said, "See what we mean? Now we're going to make you all dead!"
"Aaaaagh!" the living screamed and ran into their houses, apartments, and caves. One living guy called some other living people on his cell phone and from there, the word spread.
"We, the living, have to kill all the dead people. They're cramping our style and stomping on our junk!"
"But how?" others asked, "They're dead already!"
"Then we have to make them live once more!"
"But how?"
"I don't know!"
So some living people went over to the dead ones and said, "We're going to kill you by making you live again."
At first, the dead people liked this idea. "We don't like being dead and we liked being alive. How will you make us alive again?"
The living people said, "We don't know," and then the dead people killed them with bricks, spears, and hooves of dead ponies.
The dead people cheered. "Yay! More dead people to swell our swelling ranks!"
So the living tried to find a cure for death. It wasn't easy, and clinical trials were a bitch because people had to kill themselves in order to be considered eligible for the test vaccine. Then, one day, a miracle happened! The vaccine worked!
"Yay!" living people rejoiced, "We've found a way to kill the dead people!"
"Give it to us!" the dead people said.
Then, some living scientist wondered what would happen if a living person (as opposed to a dead one) took the anti-death cure. So she did, and she turned into a ball of pure energy!
"OMG. I'm energy!" she said, becoming more living than anyone had ever been!
Then, using all of her energy, she killed everyone. That made everyone dead.
"This sucks," they said, so they surrounded the energy person but she enveloped them in her energy. Then she rolled down the street with all of the dead people inside of her.
Then they all exploded.
-
Remember to watch out for D-Prime Madness IV in the new year! I will being work on it now, and expect it to be the greatest D-Prime Madness (and therefor the greatest Madness) ever, as I work on integrating the best of every tournament into one master plan following a basic principle. It will also have a huge, well-planned campaign for membership, and I am hoping to have more participants than ever before, although that is not quite as important as general quality.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-17 20:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Darn. I will have to work harder to create content that you specifically care about.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Care?
Me?
Neveeeeeeeeer.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*insert negative adjective to those who have applied one to me or my actions*
Yes, Darko, I will probably wait several months until the next one. If I began immediately it would water it down.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-09 19:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sucked.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
The story was worth reading, but the contest is sad.
10 people and how many weeks to get to this point?
Pitiful.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-09 10:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No more D-Prime Madness til Mach, sound good?
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-11-09 10:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't wait for the next DPM.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-09 10:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They can try to stop us, Jared, but they can never really stop us!
"The next time I crack open a Pepsi, I'll do it with you in mind." One of the best things I've ever heard.
Thank you all.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-09 09:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pretty sure I won on a forfeit as well
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-09 08:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Insanity!
Thanks, D-P for suffering the slings and arrows of ne'er-do-wells and pushing ahead with this anyway. It was fun, and the next time I crack open a Pepsi, I'll do it with you in mind. Unless I forget. Either way, I'll be enjoying a Pepsi, and that can't be all bad, can it?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-09 06:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done JMG.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll just post it under a different name. It was a bit of a stretch for the title anyway.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Send it to me again; I want to read it anyway.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm afraid that I can promise you that I did not receive it.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I e-mailed it to you on the 2nd, and it was titled DPM submission.
I e-mailed it to you from my college account, so in retrospect it's entirely possible my computer succumbed to the same server issue that's been going around here for a while. Look for it and if you don't find it I guess I'll accept my forfeit. Or something
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? What was your subject, and what day did you send it? If you did so successfully, I will go find it and remedy my error by re-posting before this message becomes well-spread.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
but alas, I do not care
go forth and be fruitful with this victory
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I e-mailed you my story, you worthless piece.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-11-09 02:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I will use my -3 to +3 rating system to rate Jared's work...
+2. Not your best work, but your best work is pretty great. Often very funny.