Think you can fit more stupid into a week than I can? (589 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awesomeface (View user info) at 2006-11-09 16:51:36 EST
I seriously doubt it, at least for this past week.
My school days start out with me attending 25 minutes at a campus I do not attend. Due to a tryout and interview in my Junior year last year I have been given the title of a Senior Advisor. My responsibilities as an Advisor are to teach a 20 minute class every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning at my schools Freshmen Campus. I teach this class to about 30 juicy and succulent Freshmen boys...I mean kids...just kids. I am largely unsupervised so I can pretty much do whatever I want...with young boys...fuck you I'm not a Senator.
For example, one week I was supposed to talk to them about resolving conflicts with other students/friends. So I bring a "choose your own adventure" lesson to class where a bully in the lunch line knocks over their tray and they are given three choices to start out with. Depending on what they chose to do they will receive an ending.
If you fight him, you spend the rest of your life and jail and become somebody's girlfriend for protection.
If you run away, somehow a nuclear war starts and all major countries launch tactical ICBM's and the whole world is wiped out.
Or if you rat him out you end up fucking his sister and he does your homework all the way through college until you get your doctorate...and win the lottery.
So the point is; my lessons are bullshit. My boys care just as little about conflict resolution as I do because conflict resolution to me is a swift punch to the head. Conflict over.
But last week I am told that I will be evaluated during one of my lessons in which I will be receiving a grade. That week's lesson happened to be Self Advocacy. The first thing that came to mind when I heard that was "go rub one off". That's doing something for yourself.
But alas, I could use the easy A so I try to come up with a serious lesson for once. I put the little shits into groups and have them all write down on a piece of paper what they think self advocacy means. Then they will pass the sheets up and I guess which group did which one.
My boys are a little confused because I'm actually giving a serious lesson. They look around the room and see another person in the room with a clipboard so they put two and two together. They know I'm being graded so the little shits spin into action.
The papers are passed back up and at this point I've got one little problem. I still don't know what self advocacy means. So I decide I'm going to pick whatever one sounds the best.
I pick up the first piece of paper and I see some of the kids are giggling. I unfold the sheet and read the first word written.
"Masturbate!" I say out loud.
The kids laugh hysterically and the evaluator in the back nods his head and writes something on the clip board. The substitute female is awestruck and says nothing.
Strike one.
I pick up the next one. I actually preview this one before I say it out loud. All it says is "This lesson sucks." So I crumple it up and give the stink eye to a group in the back who obviously wrote it. The guy with the clipboard nods his head in disapproval again.
Strike two.
The rest of the definitions are good and I just tell one of the groups that they hit it spot on. Then I made up some speech about how you have to take care of yourself. My lesson was done and I finish up with "Do you guys have any questions."
One kid in the back raises his hand. I call on him and he just blurts out.
"Are you going to touch us again?"
The kids laugh, the female substitute is awe struck even further, and the clipboard guy just writes something else down. Strike three.
I was pretty mad at the little buggers but I had to give it to them. They did their best to make me look like a freaky child molester who blurts out profanity and I commend them for that.
Then on that same day I go to teach the other class I teach. This one is a full 45 minute class where another senior and I along with a teacher teach a Sophomore dance class for gym.
Yeah that's right you fucks, I teach dance and I'm damn good at dancing too.
I'm a maniac!!!
With leg warmers...
And I'm dancing like I've never danced before...
This was actually the last day I had with this certain class before I moved on to another one. Originally the first quarter dance class of Sophomores are the kids who failed the swim test or just didn't show up. So at the end of my little going away speech to the kids I remind them "Remember guys...you are here with me because you suck at swimming."
The other Senior I work with began to laugh but she put her hand on her mouth so she could looked appalled instead of laughing. The kids just looked at me with a nasty glare and my teacher just stared at me.
Strike four?
Oh well, new class.
The next day I'm hanging out with my ex-girlfriend at my place which was kind of cool because I haven't really talked to her for awhile. After a few hours I begin to drive her home. My Mom's car is blocking me in the driveway but luckily she has to leave at the same time too. She pulls out and I follow her out into the busy street so I can drop my ex off.
Now I have been driving for about two years and I drive like a dick. But I'm good at it. Until this day I had no accidents and no speeding tickets.
Before my Mom can turn I rear end her because I thought she already turned. The steel bumper on my jeep is fine but I fuck up her little Accord.
Strike five? God is obviously an umpire with a ticker that counts very high up.
My Mum says she will take care of it and I continue to drive my ex home while she repeatedly makes fun of me cause I made fun of her for a good six months after she hit my parked car awhile back. She gets her revenge and I drop her off at her house. I begin to pull out of her driveway and when my vehicle is rested in the street ready to pull away I see an SUV backing out of its driveway coming right at my driver side window. I can either pull forward and hit my back side against hers, reverse and hit my front against her back, or pull into the driveway and hit my back against her back.
Neither sound desirable so I sit there and lay on the horn in hopes that she stops. She doesn't and she taps into the side of my car.
Strike six. God plays a very different past time than the one I have been playing for many years.
Luckily there was no damage to either vehicle so we didn't have to report it.
But if anybody thinks they have fit any more stupid into a week's time than I did, please let me know so I can laugh at you and feel better about myself.
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User Reviews
Submitted by MausMan (user info) at 2006-11-23 23:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give +2
But you know i am superior at fitting more stupids into a single day then you can in an entire week!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-10 02:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Fist Bismarck. He'd kick you apart
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-10 02:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-09 22:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that Fist Bismark could serve as an excellent character in a series of "CYOA" tales designed to teach college kids about making good decisions.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-09 20:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Such underappreciated paint skills
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-09 18:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"hit my front against her back"
Heh...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:07:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
I only wish dancing got you laid.
===
It does, if you do it right, darling.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:16:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Irene Cara is hot
__
I have no idea why you would bring up Irene Cara, that is obviously me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Irene Cara is hot
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I only wish dancing got you laid.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-09 17:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant, Brilliant I tells ya!