My Final Solution (274 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.33 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nightshade (View user info) at 2006-11-10 05:40:11 EST
Meat is murder!
We should make a collective decision to move away from the barbaric
practices that we have become accustomed to, as it stands cows are pumped
full of harmful hormones from birth and fattened just to be brutally
slaughtered and eaten.
Raising and killing cows just to eat is a terribly wasteful practice, cows
require huge spaces of land to graze and to grow, massive amounts of natural
resources to grow and process.
Cows themselves are interesting and useful creatures. As well as providing
hours of entertainment for hicks, who like to watch them eat and re-eat the
same food all day long. If these hicks weren't in fields watching cows then
they'd be on the roads driving, voting, re-producing to
make more hicks, sucking up your taxes as welfare, stealing your
possessions. Not only is cow tipping an Olympic sport in some areas but also
an
effective method of birth control, in recent years due to the politically
correct Nazi's stupidity has now been moved from the lifeguard of the gene
pool to the fat slob that's molesting your kids. It now seems to be an
unspoken competition to who can save the stupidest people from their doom
from such perils of drinking from jars with skull and crossbones on it and
sleeping on trainlines.
The global population could be reduced by as much as 5% if all these cows on
hillsides could be tipped, as much as 10% of the population would engage in
cow tipping, believe they are in training to represent their country. Since
there are only 2 ways to push a cow, half the population would push the cow
downhill while standing up hill from the cow whereas the other half would
stand downhill from the cow and resort to pulling the cow,
thankfully removing their genes from the world in the process.
As beef will soon be removed from the menu naturally the vegetarians of the
world will want to celebrate their "final solution" in motion, it may seem
that
without beef the world's other animal stocks, such as lamb, pork and chicken
will soon run dry and meat will soon be a precious commodity turning the
world into vegetarians. Naturally the vegetarians, or vegaryans
(ve-jary-ans) as they will have renamed themselves will seek to accelerate
their plans in the only way they know how, in the form of protests,
naturally they will seek to congregate in the site of what they believe is
the first step of their impending
final victory, the now-vacant cow herding yards. Therein lies the solution
for our own "Final Solution" Which I shall dub, the "Alan Parson's Project".
Contrary to popular belief vegetarians themselves are not poisonous and
after they have been correctly washed, cooked and prepared they are actually
highly nutritious and can be quite delicious. Furthermore the infrastructure
for raising, feeding, slaughtering, transporting and
processing the cows is still in place, with some slight modifications, it
can
be used for the vegaryans themselves quite easily.
Vegaryan meat is superiour to beef in many ways, Firstly as an average cow
may weigh well over a ton and is incredibly strong when enraged, it can take
many men to overpower it, and consequentially the meat will be spoiled as
the adrenalin in the cow will toughen the meat when it is eventually eaten.
The average vegaryan
weighs between 50-60kilos, which is light enough for the average
slaughterhouse worker to handle and transport by themselves if need arises.
Since the vegaryan has neither the energy nor the muscle mass to become
enraged, the meat will always be tender and when cooked is of a higher
quality then
beef. In the event that a full grown male vegaryan, (also known as a pansy
in some
cultures) manages to become enraged then the windows on the
slaughterhouses can simply be shut, cutting off the vegaryans solar power
source
thus crippling the vegaryan, the vegaryan will then soon return to their
normal docile, semi-comatose state, over 90% of enraged vegaryans, once
subdued in
this fashion, can be returned to the herd and will still retain the meats
overall high quality by the time it is consumed.
On average a cow weighs almost a ton, this means that per cow it can give
over 500% more edible meat then the average vegaryan, however not all this
meat can be eaten at once, not even by the fattest American, it needs to be
stored further which diminishes its quality, the average vegaryan, although
having very little edible meat on
them will quite sufficiently be enough for a single meal, this natural,
single serving size of an average vegaryan is very important in today's
hectic lifestyle. Due to their weak bone and muscle structure a vegaryan can
be placed in a variety of locations for easy transportation. Primary school
children
may have a vegaryan in their lunchbox and during lunchtime within 10 minutes
it can be cooked and prepared as a nice and fresh high quality vegaryan
sandwich, compared to the stale cold cut sandwiches of the bygone era.
Hotdog carts could soon be replaced, Vegaryans could be stored in a cart,
and since a vegaryan hotdog is freshly prepared rather then peeled up off a
road it is
naturally of a much higher quality then your average hotdog.
Feeding and taking care of vegaryans is also a simple matter that can be
solved using existing infrastructure, vegaryans can be fed the same food as
cows, not even the method of food delivery will be a problem, once they have
been trained to walk on all fours eating from the feed bin
together will not be a problem, female vegaryans can also be milked in the
same method as conventional cows, although the milk quality is lower through
the miracle of genetic engineering, cow udders can be grown on female
vegaryans, once they are trained to walking on all fours the existing
milking yards can be used to milk female vegaryans with no adjustments
necessary.
As vegaryan meat is clearly of a much higher quality it is inevitable that
cows will soon be returned to their natural use, as a birth control method
for hicks and people that lack basic comprehension of gravity. However with
the sudden increase of the cow population a location for all these
repatriated cows will need to be found. It will need to be a
place that has plenty of hills, a place where the local population already
has an
unhealthy obsession with animals, for arguments sake, sheep. And furthermore
the local population will need to be semi retarded, thus easing the
transition that will occour with the increase in hicks as well which will no
doubt breed with the local population.
As you can see the perfect location for these cows is no doubt the 8th, and
worst state of Australia, New Zealand.
User Reviews
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-11-10 08:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I thought the final solution was killing all of the Jews. I'm fine with that one, but yours sucks.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-10 08:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Was this a poem about meat?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-11-10 08:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, here's a suggestion: Cut back on the Meth
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-10 08:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, I just guessed part of your argument once I saw the way vegetarian was written.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-10 08:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We could stop pumping them with hormones like in European countries. And the cows around here look pretty damn happy.
Submitted by Randy_Rottenbuckets (user info) at 2006-11-10 06:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG DUMBEST SHIT EVER
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-11-10 05:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
"also called pansies"
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-10 05:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hitler was a sensitive man.