Colostomy Bag Carla (1277 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: handicapable_women
Rating: 1.59 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-11-10 14:24:08 EST
Paper or plastic?
Intestines elastic
Should dump their deposits
In most any bag, and I'm
Sorry that I'm not up to speed
With this whole nouveaux pooping
Thing, dear, but do appreciate
My effort and enthusiasm.
I am still learning, after all,
For you.
Always for you,
The care given,
The pain pills and magazines and comfort foods,
The hand santizer and the biohazard recepticles
And dealing with your insufferable mother asking
About your condition,
Though she did stop asking once I told her
"It looks like a woman with brown lipstick
Kissed your daughter's midsection,"
Guess she doesn't like lips or something.
The bitch.
The night dirt removed at the breaking of dawn
Double knotted for safety's sake, pitched in the trash,
Now a ritual, waking across the front lawn
To away with the waste that won't come out your ass;
It's just one step removed from poop-scooping for dogs
That attempt to plant brownies along our front walk,
Thankfully there's no plastic gloves handshaking logs
Just the bag and the binding and cleaning you off,
With a wipe, one or two,
I'll flick remnants of poo
From the stoma,
The wound,
Staring at me from well above your fisheye
A stinkeye unto itself, winking,
Whispering gasses as if an old man speaking secrets,
Secrets that smell like yesterday's bananas
And a bizarre combination of onions, trout and dumpster water,
Here at the breaking of the worlds of anus
And tummy, I forgive you,
And love you,
And can smell you even when we're not together
Thanks to the flapping of your serrated flesh
Affording the winter wind a taste of your innards,
Your Bog of Eternal Stench calls to me
By day and night, I the brave Ludo
Singing for stones to rise and
Free me, my friends,
The poor pets clawing at your hide at night,
Hungry and sniffing for protein,
All of them,
From the beasts of your gastro-intestinal labyrinth.
Six days have I been your shit servant
A happy husband hospital, hoping for the scar
And the sealed slit,
I have stood by you like a woodsman with heartburn
Waiting for his body to settle before he puts the axe
To the work of time, seed, and water,
But no more.
I have needs,
And those involve a little something we discussed
Way, way back when,
Before the marriage bed,
The children,
And your recent, unfortunate line dancing accident
That has left you in this state;
Do you remember?
The spoken word contract?
The promises of anal?
Yeah, that one.
I cannot manage it now, with your lower half in such
Disrepair, cannot work the secret treat that has escaped
Me all these trips around the sun,
But what I can do
Is ply you with jug wine and impossible bourbon,
And get your lids heavy as they are now
Your limbs loose as they are now
And maybe,
Just maybe,
Slip this little bag off your stomach-cut
And get myself into your innards that way,
After all, it IS your anus now
By law and definition
Isn't it?
Oh I think it is.
Just lay back now, Carla,
And look at the stars,
You may feel a slight pinch
As I remove this gauze cap
And feed inch after spongy inch
Just beside your birth button
And into that tabernackle of bliss
That will only bring us closer
Than ever before.
Yes.
Yes.
I can even feel the bubble gum you swallowed yesterday.
Mmm.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-12 16:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-11-12 05:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:32:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:24:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, my aunt has a colosty bag. Uncool. I know it's in fun though, however I can't positively rate this on principle. I hope you understand.
---
That's cool. I'll keep the friends I've known who have been raped in mind the next time I read something of yours, on principle. I'm sure you'll understand.
---------------------------------------------
Wow... thats a kick in the teeth if I've ever read one.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-12 04:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-11-11 16:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird and awesome.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-11 16:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-11-11 16:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Humorous.
Not your best poetically.
But humorous
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-11 15:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:52:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved the timing of your UM voting, by the by.
===
*ahem*
HEY WHO CAME ON YOUR POST FIRST?
um..
---
Don't worry -- I was gonna go whoring praise for you closer to Christmas and in the form of a Christmas Carol!
(Oh, Licious-Claus, oh, Licious-Claus,
my Madness victory grants you applause...)
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-11-11 03:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron is my hero.
Seriously.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-11 00:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ooh...good idea, Circe.
Perhaps something like "She May Not Have An Adam's Apple (But I'll Be Planting My Seeds in Her Throat)" or "Smoke My Pole Through Your Neck Hole."
Oh the possibilities.
How was all that w/ the procedure and such? You seem no worse for the wear, from what I can gather.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-11-11 00:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:24:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, my aunt has a colosty bag. Uncool. I know it's in fun though, however I can't positively rate this on principle. I hope you understand.
____________
I had a tracheotomy a while back... the gaping wound in the throat thing, you know? It was dreadful and all, but if O-tron made a post about throat-fucking through a shortcut, I'd laugh my ass off and +2 it.
You need to develop a sense of humor.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved the timing of your UM voting, by the by.
===
*ahem*
HEY WHO CAME ON YOUR POST FIRST?
um..
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally forgot that voting ended at noon, and had to hustle to vote for the stories that I'd read and preferred but hadn't taken the time to put my monkey on. Or my money. But really my monkey.
I like your definition of the target market, and am curious of your growing boldness.
You know what this colostomy lady needs? A good frozen shit dildo.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!
Whispering gasses as if an old man speaking secrets,
Secrets that smell like yesterday's bananas
I loved this, but then again, I am the target market: twenty-something male, fecal-curious but not yet experienced. With every poem, I grow a little bolder though...
Loved the timing of your UM voting, by the by.
I thought it was all over, and then along came the 0-Train. I think a few other matchups were similarly affected.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-10 21:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The names of penis are many. They all live here.....
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-10 17:24:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
sorry, youve done better
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 17:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You must learn how to suppress that gag reflex.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-10 17:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*pukes*
...
...
*wipes mouth* Thanks, that was great.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-11-10 17:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for each time that, while reading this, I reacted to it getting even worse than before (and yet was still humored by it). STOP DOING THIS TO ME.
And you started at -2.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:24:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, my aunt has a colosty bag. Uncool. I know it's in fun though, however I can't positively rate this on principle. I hope you understand.
--
Uh... didn't you post pictures of your fuckin joint on uber a while back?
Jesus, man. If you were a German you'd probably say, 'Yes, Hitler did some horrible things but he got the economy rolling by finding employment for almost everyone and he made the trains run on time, so it wasn't ALL bad.'
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:10:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:07:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:58:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's a lie. i am NOT having sex with you.
---
It's all a lie. You don't have any friends.
------
but but...
i thought uber was for making friends.
*sniffle*
*weep*
*sob*
*slits wrists*
--
*scratches REDEMPTION ROAD CHAPTERS 8-30 off of To-Do List*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...and I think it;s asef to say that my mefidication just kicked in. Fighting dental pain an d aalalaldnWJKFUIEYUh
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 isn't for yore damn prose, but for how yore butt looks in them lavender tights when you git up on stage and read this here stuff in front of the whole town and the ever-watching eyes of the Lord God.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alliteration articulates an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly affective alignments. Alliteration allows aspiring authors abilities above average approaches. Alliterative adroitness accentuates accomplishments (an appealing aspect appalling artistic arrangements attempt abominably). Allowing additional anterior alphanumerics, although adumbrating aesthetic accuracy, affords abortive artistic acuity. Ancient alliterations affirm archeological assertions accrediting archaic artistic alliterative ascendancy. Albeit acutely arduous, alliteration affects antonymous allegory, an absolute actualization alluding asomatous abstruse anima.
Article arrangement
Applications
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* Aardvark adulation.
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* Ameliorating annoying anecdotal accounts.
* Amiable arguments about alternative antidotes.
* Artistic artisans avert annoying anteaters' attention.
* Androgynous autoerotic asphyxiation. (Admittedly, anonymous activists advise against allowing anoxemia.)
Arguments about Alliteration:
Advocates:
Alliteration's advocates approve alliterative articles and always appreciate anterior alphanumeric axiom adherence.
Arguments advocating alliteration:
* Any alliterating alphanumeric arrangement acquires an aggrandized atmospheric ambiance.
* Alliterators acquire an ace argot, applicable among added active alliterators.
* Anyone apt at alliteration animates assuasively.
Adversaries
Alliteration's adversaries assume absolute alliteration absurd. "After all, any arrant application as abrasive as absolute alliteration assures awkwardness and altercation", an avid automatic alliteration antagonist alludes.
Arguments against alliteration:
* Arguably, alliterative A's are assonant and aren't actually authentic.
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* Average Americans absolutely abhor any (and all) alliteration.
* Alligators aren't alliterators, although alligators are absolutely awesome.
Apathetics
Alliteration's apathetics advise against agonizing about alliteration.
Arguments allowing alliteration at average amounts:
* An aureate average always acts as an agreeable alternative.
Argentina
"Alle Argentinier! Achtung!"
~ Adolf
Argentinians always asphyxiate alcoholics around August and agitate Alaska, although apathetic Americans allow aggresive Argentinian attacks against Albania. Alcoholics Anonymous agents attempt assaults against Argentina; amusing assholes, apparently! Alabaster ain't allowed around Argentina anymore.
Amen. Always armed and amicable.
Associated Articles
* Apostriphism
* Abridged (Absolutely admirable alliterative agility!)
* An agonising alliterative agent
* After Alliteration
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 16:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's got nothing to do with the number above your comment, my good man. It's a matter of choosing when and when not to have thin skin, and finding something offensive if it happens to apply to you or someone you care for.
You have enough rape posts for me to assume that you find it a subject worth kidding about, despite the fact that it's a powerful topic to anyone who's gone through it or who knows someone who has. And yet you'll stand firm on your principles when you read something about a woman who poops in a bag, because you sympathize with your aunt. You can't write about things that could be hurtful to people like it's no big deal and then turn around and take issue with something because it hit too close to home. If you really wanted to stand by your principles then you'd stop trying to make painful subjects funny.
Or you could just roll with the exaggerations of other people's posts and just enjoy the ride, appreciating the level, even playing field for what it is.
Now look, I apologize if I shagged your aunt and wrote a poem about it. Really, I do.
I was a younger man then, and unwise in the ways of the world.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm trying to eat lunch here, so I"m going to +1 this and move on
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, what's wrong O, don't like your 0? I don't rape that many people and you know it.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you....
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:24:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, my aunt has a colosty bag. Uncool. I know it's in fun though, however I can't positively rate this on principle. I hope you understand.
---
That's cool. I'll keep the friends I've known who have been raped in mind the next time I read something of yours, on principle. I'm sure you'll understand.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, my aunt has a colosty bag. Uncool. I know it's in fun though, however I can't positively rate this on principle. I hope you understand.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ya think that it'd help if i leave an instruction booklet forwarded to bret?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh don't go killing yourself over something I said.
But if you must slit your wrists, be careful not to spread the diseased blood all over the floor. Think of the people who are going to find you, and their physical well being.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:07:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:58:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's a lie. i am NOT having sex with you.
---
It's all a lie. You don't have any friends.
------
but but...
i thought uber was for making friends.
*sniffle*
*weep*
*sob*
*slits wrists*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i doubt i'd catch fag diseases.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:58:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's a lie. i am NOT having sex with you.
---
It's all a lie. You don't have any friends.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-10 15:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God, I'd have diseases they haven't even named yet
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's a lie. i am NOT having sex with you.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:48:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
you're only getting a +2 cuz my friend said "luto smell" last night.
------------
and by friend she means the person of questionable gender she's currently having sex with
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're only getting a +2 cuz my friend said "luto smell" last night.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, that's fucking disgusting.
It must be love.
DADDY-O CAN YOU BUY LISHY A LUDO?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-10 14:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a sweater with love in the stitches...