The Things That Men Do. (2498 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.84 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2006-11-12 11:08:05 EST
Ok men, I've finally decided to let the world know what we are all about. There will be no more dirty little secrets. It's time to let it all hang out.
The following is a list of the things that guys do. It is by no means a comprehensive list, but it'll do on a Sunday morning when it's raining and I just got done mopping the floor.
*********************************************************
Cleaning The Toilet.
All guys know that cleaning the toilet is womans work. That's right, I said it, womans work. Be that as it may, the man also knows that when the woman is pissed because she caught him wanking to internet porn, sometimes the work doesn't get done. Mainly because there's no way she can possibly do it while she's staying with her mother waiting for her man to buy her some expensive form of apology.
In the meantime, the man still has to perform his daily constitutional. This invariably leads to a messy toilet because the man, who has taken to drinking cheap beer and eating take-out in the absence of his woman, has developed a severe case of the hershey squirts. The toilet is a mess and there's no woman in sight to clean it.
What to do?
The man, with his keen intellect and resourceful mind, has only one option.
Urine stream.
That's right. The man will wait until he has to take a honkin piss. The kind that make his back teeth float all the way to Australia. The kind of piss that, after he is done, makes him feel all light headed. The kind of piss that makes him wonder if he is actually suffering from some kind of enlarged bladder syndrome.
Men know what I am talking about.
The man then goes into the bathroom to unleash this torrent upon the porcelain altar. He see's the mess that his previous deposit has made, and simply enough, aims the incredibly strong urine stream at the offending brown stains.
Toilet clean.
Next issue.
The Five Second Rule.
Everbody has heard of this handy and money saving rule. In a nutshell, if a man drops something edible on the floor, any floor, and it has been there for less than five seconds, it is perfectly fine and germ/disease free and acceptable for ingestion.
Women don't agree with this rule. For a woman, if food even falls off the plate and hits the kitchen table, the same kitchen table top that she herself cleaned this afternoon, the morsel is lost to the germ gods forever and needs to be disposed of.
Men scoff at such fallacy.
The thing that women don't know however, is that men tend to stretch this convenient rule depending on the type of food that is being ingested. Take steak for example. A man has just prepared a nice strip steak for broiling. He has beaten it into submission with his fists, stabbed it with a fork a few hundred times, kneaded in all sorts of spices that he likes, and has set it on a broiler pan. Then he calls his woman to come and cook it for him and, oops, he hits the pan and the steak falls to the floor.
Fido, who had been alternately cleaning himself and eyeing this particular piece of meat since the preparation process started, takes the opportunity to pounce on the scrumptious beef and make off with it to the bathroom where, incidentally, the man has just got done cleaning the toilet.
The man forgets that just a minute ago he was admiring Fido for his cleaning abilities and chases his best friend relentlessly to retrieve the steak, admonishing Fido in the process but feeling proud for his taste in beef. With his conquest in tow, the man triumphantly returns from his chase, eyeballing the piece of meat to make sure it is in good order. Just then, the woman enters the kitchen.
"What's all the ruckus?" She says to the man.
"Oh, nothing," he replies. "Can you broil up this steak for me?"
Fido, in his ignorance to all things human, goes back to the spot on the kitchen floor where he was previously and resumes cleaning his nether parts with his tongue.
Ten seconds in a dogs mouth is nothing to the germ killing properties of a broiler. This is just the way a man thinks.
Let's move on.
Underwear.
Men like underwear. They like it on women better, but they like it on themselves too. In this day and age of "anything goes", men like to be daring and dangerous with thier selection of garments to be worn under the clothes.
That's why when men find a pair of underwear they like, they wear them always.
Searching through the underwear drawer can be a daunting task for a man. The woman, who washes all the underwear, will tend to be choosy about what underwear stays and what underwear goes as far a her man is concerned. The ratty, hole ridden drawers that men latch on to can suddenly disappear without a trace due to this womanly scrutinization. That's why men wear the same one's over and over again.
It doesn't matter that they are still in the same spot on the floor where he left them the night before. Stains? Ha, doesn't matter if he turns them inside out. Holes are considered trophies to be revered and collected. Sometimes the man will look at his underwear and see things that remind him of a particular night with his woman, or a particular session of internet wanking.
Men treasure these moments like a good broiled steak or a clean toilet.
The aroma of a good pair of underwear does not escape the man either. Quite often he will smell his drawers before putting them on just to see if they are "battle ready" for the coming work day. This is never an effective means of determining readiness to wear however, because the man revels in his own scent the way an animal does. Men like to roll around in thier own scent. It makes them feel manly. Men think that the more scent they give off, the greater the chance that an unsuspecting woman, maybe even thier own woman, will be attracted and thus cook them a nice meal maybe even grace them with a little physical attention.
Men are funny like that, and underwear can be even funnier. Even with stains. In the front AND the back.
I hope this has enlightened those of you out there that have been wondering about what kind of man you have and why he does those strange things during the course of the day. These things need to be accepted and embraced in order to understand why men do the things they do.
There are more things. Oh so many more things.
But, I can't give away all the secrets now, can I?
User Reviews
Submitted by LeeJ (user info) at 2007-09-20 08:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-14 23:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:01:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
"the same one's"
Apostrophe? Apostrophe!?
Whatever. I didn't proof this as well as I usually do.
Submitted by Aiya (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"the same one's"
Apostrophe? Apostrophe!?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-14 06:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:29:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Steaks are never for any reason meant to be broiled. Men that broil steaks are the same kind of metrosexuals that use a propane grill. Your man card is suspended until further notice.
Ha. The broiler is perfectly acceptable if grilling cannot be done.
There are times that the grill cannot be used because of the weather.
Would you rather it be pan fried?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm... I thought I'd rated this already!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:29:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steaks are never for any reason meant to be broiled. Men that broil steaks are the same kind of metrosexuals that use a propane grill. Your man card is suspended until further notice.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-13 15:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And please, don't fart and expect me to find it/you funny or charming. Everyone farts, but I personally don't recognize it as a legitimate sport. "
More room out than in. Stop with the silly "I'm a girl and I do not fart nor is flatulance ammusing", instead embrace the fact that we all do it and let it fly.
I too think the steak belongs on a grill not in a broiler. I grill regardless what the weather might be, it is a necessity not an option.
I can not concur on the underwear thing though. that's just rotten. everything should be as fresh as possible down there so that, in the event your lady cares to, she is not repulsed by your man bits.
I hate split stream. Quite possibly more than anything else I have to endure.
I think you should have discussed inappropriate wood. perhaps if it were explained to women they wouldn't find it so offensive.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-13 11:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god you didn't tell them about the 'throwing the pants on the wall trick' and the ....(ssh I think we're being watched)
Submitted by Sweetdeviant (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
leik omg...
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WEAR A BASEBALL CAP CLETIS!!! TRY DOING IT IN RUBBER GLOVES AND PAS....tels...
wait.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:23:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I clean toilets, iron (fuck I hate ironing), make lunches, and dinner, breakfast (bloody hell), vacuum, wash dishes, do the laundry, hang the fucking stuff up, FOLD the fucking crap, hell I even wiped the top of my fridge down the other day.
Wait.....I do all this stuff too. I don't feel gay doing it though.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was going to be a jovial post about rape and genocide.
But it's proof that there some things at Ubersite worth coming back for.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's not funny you cunt.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:23:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I clean toilets, iron (fuck I hate ironing), make lunches, and dinner, breakfast (bloody hell), vacuum, wash dishes, do the laundry, hang the fucking stuff up, FOLD the fucking crap, hell I even wiped the top of my fridge down the other day. Thanks big mike, thanks for making me feel like a fucking girl's blouse - and gay. thanks alot. Go choke on a big beer can of masculinity and cook up a bbq, you arsehat.
btw if you find that onion sort of caramelises on your hotplate, and can't get it off? I recommend sugar salt and vinegar, keep the plate at about 70 degrees, but wear an apron, that stuff can splatter.
Haha.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I clean toilets, iron (fuck I hate ironing), make lunches, and dinner, breakfast (bloody hell), vacuum, wash dishes, do the laundry, hang the fucking stuff up, FOLD the fucking crap, hell I even wiped the top of my fridge down the other day. Thanks big mike, thanks for making me feel like a fucking girl's blouse - and gay. thanks alot. Go choke on a big beer can of masculinity and cook up a bbq, you arsehat.
btw if you find that onion sort of caramelises on your hotplate, and can't get it off? I recommend sugar salt and vinegar, keep the plate at about 70 degrees, but wear an apron, that stuff can splatter.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The piss thing
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't want to clean the toilet?
Easy: pee in the sink. It's already at hip height.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever tried explaining why you sometimes miss the toilet bowl, and why it's just not as simple as pointing it in the right direction? All sorts of factors need to be taken into consideration, especially if you've just woken up etc.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-12 17:35:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Steaks are to be grilled, never broiled.
I'm not even sure what that means, broiling!
Every stove has a broiler.
Broiling is what you do when there is four feet of snow on the ground and it is minus five degrees out. Unless you have a garage mind you. I don't have a garage. :)
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-12 14:47:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't cook your own steak, you are NOT a MAN.
I can and do. I cooked up a couple of nice strip steaks for my son and I just last night.
I'm glad you all realized that the whole "womans work" thing was sarcasm. I was afraid some of you wouldn't. :)
If I put some thought into this, I'll come up with more.
And by the way QueenAshlee, I was in Auburn tonight visiting my family. Had a nice dinner at my sisters house.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
delightful.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-12 21:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed on everything, especially the underwear.
Damn you, JMG!!!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95102#2220549
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-11-12 19:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If a dog attacked my steak AFTER it was cooked, it's gone. But before cooking it's already full of disease, as it IS a nice slab of an animal carcass.
+2 mainly because I thought I was the only one who had cleaned a toilet with such a tactic.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-12 18:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-12 14:47:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't cook your own steak, you are NOT a MAN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men only grill, and cook over open fire. We all CAN but some of us simply choose not to. Grilling is a genetic trait often dubbed a "gift" that only men posess. You femmes stay away from the grill.
Broiling, baking, roasting and steaming are for womenfolk, however we are running certain expariments for "Flambé" because it directly involves fire, but under current law, nothing is manly enough to be cooked as such.
There is a method that is acceptable, but not innate, like grilling, that some men posess. Stovetop cooking. It has all the nessisary parts for cooking, fire and meat, but with the easy acess of being inside if it's raining and we don't feel like listening to the femmes bitching about being "cold" "wet" or "dying of cancer."
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-11-12 17:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steaks are to be grilled, never broiled.
I'm not even sure what that means, broiling!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-12 17:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me something I don't know.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-11-12 16:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehe
Oh btw, next time you're in Auburn (if I'm still here) it has long been one of my very important major life goals to buy you a drink. QueenAshlee.at.gmail.com.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-11-12 16:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew, boys!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-12 16:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-11-12 16:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-11-12 16:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike--
Once upon a time, I worked as a CNA in a nursing home. Lemme tell you, after 2 years of cleaning up shit, I have an aversion to seeing it or smelling it. Then add in all the years in the lab where I sometimes have to culture people's shit so I can look for e-coli n' stuff.
My toilet is pristine, but then again I'm single. I have no problems cleaning my own toilet.
But, when I was married, if my husband got the toilet rank and nasty, HE cleaned it up because I was usually threatening to hurl and aim it at him.
This was solved though when we got divorced. I imagine him living somewhere with a horrid and biohazardous toilet. I wish him the best of luck.
Bleach tabs in the tank help out a great deal.
IT IS NOT WOMEN'S WORK GODDAMMIT! It is the work of whichever nasty bastard/bitch left cling-ons inside the bowl!
As far as the other stuff, if you want to eat the same piece of meat your ball and anus licking dog was chewing on, what's it to me?
Underwear....meh.....couldn't care less. If, however, your drawers have holes AND skid marks, they gots to go! If only because I don't enjoy the sight of my hunny bunny bending over to pull his pants up and seeing a massive, brown, lengthwise stain. Plus, if you can see it (i.e. the stain) then there is still fecal matter on the cloth. I don't care how much you wash them, YOUR DRAWERS HAVE SHIT IN THEM!
And that's just gross.
And please, don't fart and expect me to find it/you funny or charming. Everyone farts, but I personally don't recognize it as a legitimate sport.
Kiss kiss
Luv ya
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-11-12 15:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-12 14:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't cook your own steak, you are NOT a MAN.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-12 14:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have two pairs of boxers and I only wear them occasionally. I usually just wear basketball shorts. They are very very comfortable.
I clean the toilet with my piss. You have to do it quickly though, before the brown stains become permanent. No time for lackadaisacal toilet cleaning. I dont know how to speel lackadaisacal.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-12 14:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-12 13:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Broil your own steak.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-11-12 13:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't even half of what Men DO. And yes, I am guilty of throwing out the nasty underware, you sick, sick bastard
BTW, the underware alone is why you men don't get head.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-12 13:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've done all three of those before, infact- I've been wearing the same boxers for a year and a half straight now.
They are petrified from a combination of:
Shit, ass sweat, ball sweat, urine that sprays every fucking way when I piss with a morning wood, semen, dirt, and blood.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for leaving out the hundreds of other "men" things they don't know about...
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:34:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shhh...you want THEM to know? You are playingwith the rules of man here. We know our secret code they watch Oprah. This might be acceptble because these are minor things, but they still have not conceeded and told us why there is allways one sock "missing" from every load of laundry they do.
That's right females, I'm on to you and your "Oprah" and while I myself do not watch it because it has subliminal messaging tones specifically for females and they will turn most men gay, and I'm not taking that risk, but I do know there is something going on. <glare>
===============
FUCK!
When Oprah finds out, we're all screwed.
Submitted by Sandecki (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "urine stream".
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-11-12 12:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shhh...you want THEM to know? You are playingwith the rules of man here. We know our secret code they watch Oprah. This might be acceptble because these are minor things, but they still have not conceeded and told us why there is allways one sock "missing" from every load of laundry they do.
That's right females, I'm on to you and your "Oprah" and while I myself do not watch it because it has subliminal messaging tones specifically for females and they will turn most men gay, and I'm not taking that risk, but I do know there is something going on. <glare>
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-11-12 11:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-12 11:15:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You neglected to explain how the man figures out which side is which on his underwear; the brown stains are in the back and the yellow stains are in the front.
I always look for the tag.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-12 11:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You neglected to explain how the man figures out which side is which on his underwear; the brown stains are in the back and the yellow stains are in the front.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-11-12 11:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well that explains a FEW things....