Drunk Sluts made me Piss all over my Carpet. (2740 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.91 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic Cymbals (View user info) at 2006-11-12 22:31:08 EST
For about two months now, i've been hooking up with a girl who's boyfriend is currently taking a semester abroad. The rules of the "relationship" were pretty well drawn:
1. We're not going out.
2. We are not to talk while sober.
3. We are not to talk while drunk, except "let's go home"
4. I'm allowed to sleep with other people.
5. She's allowed to sleep with other people.
So it's a Shakespearean romance for sure. Unfortunately, as with most best laid plans, there are complications.
One of these is that she is a very loud drunk, so when she goes out and i don't, i get an inevitable midnight visit that involves any combination of the following:
1. Her slamming on my door for AT LEAST 15 minutes.
2. Her yelling "PEEEEEEEEETE, PEEEEEEEEEETE," for the above time.
3. One or more of my flatmates going berserk.
4. Her screaming something like "I got robbed" or "I cut off my toe" or "i crashed my car" in an attempt for me to open my door.
5. Me hiding under my bed and leaving my door open so she leaves quickly (doesn't work so well when she passes out on my bed anyway).
Surely, however, the worst event happened last week.
I went out but only had about six or seven beers because i had to go to Sydney the next morning.
I was lying in bed about 11.30 when i really started to need the bathroom, the beers having finished their journey through my kidneys. It was at that point that i made the ill-fated decision to finish the episode of Harvey Birdman i was watching on my computer before using the amenities.
Lo and behold, just as the episode was ending i heard the familiar (and now terrifying) "PEEEEEEEETE".
Oh no. The problem was, i was busting, and there was no way she was going anywhere for at least 15 minutes.
Looking around, i located a 600mL (less than a fifth) coke bottle and thought "That might hold it"
I miscalculated.
Disastrously.
Without exaggerating, this was probably the biggest miscalculation since Challenger.
I had hardly exhaled with the first burst before the bottle was nearly full. Outside my room, the "PPEEEEETE" door banging cacophony continued, along with the occasional "I broke my leg in a car crash" interspersed throughout.
What to do? I looked around my dark room (i had to have the light off or she'd know i was home) for another bottle. In vain.
Within seconds the bottle was full and i had no choice but to pull it away and just piss all over my carpet. Standing there in repulsion, my door shaking on its hinges and warm urine creeping between my toes, i contemplated joining a monastery for the hundredth time in my life.
Later that night, my flatmate got home from work to find me scrubbing hand soap into a massive stinking stain that covered about 10 square feet.
"What the fuck happened here, man?" he laughed
Furious, i could only squeeze out the words
"Fucking Katie."
"Katie pissed on your floor?" he asked, horrified.
I opened my mouth to explain, paused, and continued scrubbing.
"She sure did" I said, "The dirty bitch".
___________
In unrelated news, i went to the pub on Friday after attending a party themed "80's sports clothes". I recommend that if any of you find yourself in the same position you change your clothes between the party and going out. I wish i had. Enough said.
User Reviews
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-26 12:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read it again. lol.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-08 13:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2006-11-30 20:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pic, sexiboi.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-16 11:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No sir, there has been a misunderstanding. That was two seperate ideas. Hence, the double spacing between them.
The man-sex part was akward before, now it's outright embarrassing.
:(
On another note, I have some extremely dank buds here. Anyone down to imbibe THC with me?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-14 05:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:20:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so masculine with that raquet, that I find the way I am longingly staring at your pic, in no plausible way, gay.
You've reached a new level of low, as far as I'm concerned. I hope that means something to you, Pete.
__________
I've reached a new level of low cos you want to sex me?? I don't get it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:12:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
i have some thigh highs that would look great on those legs.
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me too
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:12:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
i have some thigh highs that would look great on those legs.
________________
I first read this as "I have some thighs that would look great on (as in wrapped around) those legs."
I actually ejaculated.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-13 17:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-13 14:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, pee-wned
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-11-13 14:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lizz_Zero (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm very amazed no one told you to haul the chick in and pee in her butt.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so masculine with that raquet, that I find the way I am longingly staring at your pic, in no plausible way, gay.
You've reached a new level of low, as far as I'm concerned. I hope that means something to you, Pete.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have some thigh highs that would look great on those legs.
ps - learn to keep a 2 liter around.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm taking a point off only because it seems as though you have your phallic cymbals tucked neatly in between your legs. Be a man, and tell her that you'll fuck whoever you want if she is going to fuck whoever she wants, and tell her to stop being a drunk cunt who shows up in the middle of the night.
Oh, and tell her this while you are filling her hole getting ready to nut.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-11-13 09:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar experience, minus the drunk slut.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-13 07:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, this was hilarious, and reminded me an ex-girlfriend who used to come knocking on my house door at 3 am everytime she had been out.
Great stuff.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-13 06:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Badminton is not a sport.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-13 04:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Without exaggerating, this was probably the biggest miscalculation since Challenger.
----------
ha.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-13 04:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-13 04:05:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I listened to the dramatization before rating this. I'm glad. This was funny. This is about the time I need to go to sleep.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-11-13 04:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She sure did" I said, "The dirty bitch".
--------
priceless
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-13 04:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I listened to the dramatization before rating this. I'm glad. This was funny. This is about the time I need to go to sleep.
Submitted by Jarnjonack (user info) at 2006-11-13 02:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-13 02:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i chortled
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-11-13 02:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That fucking bitch.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-11-13 01:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha, you called your future wife a 'drunk slut'.
good luck explaining that one away when she stumbles across this site.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-13 01:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everybody click the link below and die laughing
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-13 00:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95679
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-13 00:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me to post my own holding-it-in related story later tonight.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:48:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Plausible? This happened. The pressure of 7 beers is unstoppable, especially when augmented by the fact that 7 beers are enough to stop you totally considering consequences.
As for splitting with her, she's great fun when we're both shitfaced, it's just a question of balance.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you don't like her so much, break it off. When she's sober.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a little harsh.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:43:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't you have stopped just before it was full? It would have relieved a bit of the pressure, surely?
___________________________
Yeah, it would have been more plausable if you said madame sexpot's startled scream caused you to drop the bottle.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-11-12 23:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet badminton racket.
Submitted by Sandecki (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Power. Of. Attorney.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious story.
Oh, and 80s parties are the shit. Any excuse to wear short shorts and dance drunkenly to Cheap Trick is fine in my book.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't you have stopped just before it was full? It would have relieved a bit of the pressure, surely?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can get you a toe
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-11-12 22:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nice title
i pissed in my then wifes special ornamental tea pot in front of her once while i was talking on the phone. strangely, she refused to ever use it again.