ATP: Zombie Apocalypse (For charminglybeef) (695 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: pandemic tards
Rating: 1.86 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-11-13 18:23:01 EST
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Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:41:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I predict Cat McCattum gets destroyed by the Australian-Sensation, Stagger_Lee. Cat's outta tricks -- you know it's just gonna be another zombie apocalypse epic. *yawn*
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95689#2222965
====
Lon changed channels on the TV, using both hands on the remote and dropping it twice. He wanted to get some juice because he was feeling thirsty, but there was bad stuff on TV. With a shake of his head he looked up at the clock over his shoulder. It was almost hands up.
Daddy said he should go at hands up.
"Lon," he remembered daddy saying last night at bedtime, "You are still healthy, and very strong, and it looks like you won't catch the sickness everyone else has. If mommy and I are not out of bed my noon, by hands up on the clock, you have to go. Go and find a safe place, Lonny."
Lon frowned at the memory and turned back to the TV.
"—dead coming back to life and eating the living. We repeat, there appears to be some truth to stories about the dead—"
-click-
"—reporting live from Boston, and as you can see behind me, bodies are indeed being burned in mass graves, and columns of dark, greasy smoke like those behind me are rising all across the nation—"
-click-
"—paying the ulll-timate price-uh, for our sssSEXual perversions and sick-uh, SINNing ways which have lead us away from the Lord-uh, and the light and love of Jes—"
-click-
"—with the Louisiana National Guard, clearing out a newly rebuilt New Orleans neighborhood by neighborhood, and between the understandable resistance of the few immunes we have encountered and the walking dead, this has been a difficult few days. I grew up watching zombie movies, and let me tell you, these things are hard to kill. You have to destroy the head AND the heart entirely or these things just keep on com—"
-click-
'—into the studio! Where is security! We have to stay on the air, we can't OH MY CHRIST—"
Lon laughed at the monster movie on TV. The news guy was getting pulled into pieces by a bunch of bad people. There were people screaming and the top of the news guy's head was torn off and the bad people started dipping their fingers into his head and eating his brains and the picture went weird, but the little turning thing that daddy called a logo was still turning slowly in the corner of the screen.
"Eff oh ex spells FOX!"
Lon looked around the empty living room. He wished he had some potato chips and some sour cream and onion dip. He could pretend he was one of the TV brain-eaters. He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He took out a can of Coke and dropped it on the floor. It made a loud noise and Lon was momentarily reminded of the loud bangs he had heard early this morning.
Opening the can and drinking even as it foamed and spilled on the front of his sweatshirt, Lon looked at the clock again. It was time. Daddy said he should go now, but he wanted to be sure.
Lon went up the stairs. He tripped once, but caught himself. He told himself he should change his sweat pants because he had made a little pee-pee in them and he was a big boy now, almost sixteen, and he had to be more responsible, as him momma was always telling him.
He stopped in front of mommy and daddy's door. He knocked.
"Knock-knock, daddy," he said loudly. "Knock-knock mommy."
He had walked in on mommy and daddy once and daddy had gotten mad when he saw Lon watching them, but mommy had told Lon they were only playing. Lon didn't want his mommy and daddy upset, so he pretended he thought they were playing. He wasn't stupid. He had seen women sucking pee-pees on bad TV and he knew that was what mommy had been doing to daddy. Wondering if a nice girl like mommy would suck on his pee-pee some day, Lon opened the bedroom door and looked inside.
Mommy and daddy were lying in bed. Their brains and blood were everywhere.
On daddy's bedside table was a note. And a key.
SON I AM SORRY I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU. BE A GOOD BOY. BE STRONG. THE BAD PEOPLE ON TV ARE REAL, LONNY. HERE IS THE KEY FOR MY CLOSET IN THE BASEMENT. PROTECT YOURSELF.
"I love you daddy," Lon said. He bent and kissed the face of his daddy, ignoring the raw red crater above daddy's left ear. He picked up the key and put it in his pocket.
He went to Mommy's side of the bed. There was a note, and a crucifix.
JESUS LOVES YOU LONNY, AND SO DO MOMMY AND DADDY. BE GOOD AND STRONG. WE GOT SICK LIKE THE PEOPLE ON TV AND DECIDED IT WOULD BE BETTER TO HURT OURSELVES NOW THAN TO HURT YOU LATER. WE ARE SO PROUD THE SICKNESS HASN'T TAKEN YOU. IT SHOWS JESUS LOVES YOU. NOW GO AND HELP OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE IN NEED.
Lon put the crucifix around his neck. He kissed the tiny Mr. Jesus and said, "His name be raised." Then he kissed mommy on the forehead since most of her pretty face was gone, and he went downstairs.
He pulled on his boots in case it was cold outside, and his big coat with all the pockets. Then he went into the basement.
Opening his daddy's closet, he looked at all the stuff that had been saved there for when the end times came. The end times were now. Mr. Jesus was coming. But until Mr. Jesus came to save everyone, Lon would do what he could. He wanted Mr. Jesus to be proud of him. He began filling his pockets and sliding straps over his shoulders.
As Lon went up the stairs he spoke aloud. "Protect my mommy and daddy in Heaven, Mr. Jesus, and I'll protect your good people down here."
Lon opened the front door and stepped outside. It was chilly, and the sky was gray. He heard a woman scream somewhere down the street.
*
"Bird Seven to Big Nest, Bird Seven to Big Nest, completing final sweep of Cincinnati sector two."
"Big Nest to Bird Seven, go ahead."
"Norwood is full of hostiles, sir, no civilians spotted. Every street is teeming with those damned things. Moving on to St. Bernard."
"Roger, Bird Seven. You be careful up there. We only have three reconnaissance choppers left, and we don't want you being winged by some survivor in a shooting panic."
"Go that, Big Nest. We— wait a minute. Big Nest, I see a women running out of a house onto Lafayette Avenue. Oh Jesus, Big Nest, she's got a little girl with her and those undead things are everywhere. Do we have any units in the area?"
"I see your video feed Bird Seven. No units are close enough to get there in time."
"Roger..."
"Bird Seven, you will not intervene. We need your eyes up there. If you set down you may not get back up again."
"Roger..."
"Hang in there, son. I know this is tough going."
"Roger, Big Ne— wait a minute, I see someone coming down the street, he may be a friendly."
"We see him, Bird Seven."
"Son of a bitch," I don't know who that guy is, but he is kicking zombie ASS!"
*
Lon was upset. There were bad people everywhere. They were dirty and bloody and stinky, just like the monster people on TV that daddy said were real. One of the monster people ran up to Lon.
"Fuuuhh!"
"My name is Lon," he said, trying to be polite.
The monster man grabbed Lon's arm and opened his mouth like he was going to take a big bite.
"Fuuuhngahhh!"
Lon took his daddy's .50 caliber Desert Eagle out of his pocket and stuck the barrel in the bad person's mouth.
"Here," Lon said. "Bite this."
The monster man tried to chew the gun barrel, making funny sounds.
"Genawh-genawh-genawh."
Lon slowly squeezed the trigger, and recited from memory what his daddy had told him about the handgun.
"The rounds in this gun have three hundred grains and were hand-loaded by my daddy. The bullets have a muzzle velocity of one thousand, three hundred and eighty feet per second and one thousand, two hundred and sixty foot pounds of energy."
The gun went off, almost vaporizing the back half of the attacker's skull and blowing its brains all over the street. The explosion took the eyes with it, and Lon was looking at a face like a mask.
"Hah-hah," said Lon.
The dead thing fell down, but its arms and legs kept wiggling and waving. Lon shot it in the chest. A geyser of gore leaped up into the air as the creature's hearty exploded.
*
"Jumping Jehosaphat Bird Seven, what in blazes is that man packing?"
"I don't know, sir, but I'm glad he's on our side!"
*
Lon heard another scream.
Mrs. Miller? It was Mrs. Miller from down the street! And she had Annie with her and Annie was still just a tiny little girl!
"I'm coming, Ladies," Lon cried, trying to remember to always be polite, just as mommy and daddy had taught him.
The undead fell before Lon like wheat before a scythe. Heads exploded. Torsos disintegrated. Lon reloaded four times, and when the pistol was out of bullets he grabbed the strap on his shoulder and raised the rifle.
He was keeping the zombies so busy they had not yet bitten Mrs. Miller or Annie, and Lon knew from monster movies that biting was bad.
*
"Holy crap, is that an XM8?"
"It is, Bird Seven, it is. And if I'm not mistaken that big boy has it fitted with a one hundred round double drum."
*
Lon aimed the prototype assault rifle and began firing. Heads blew apart in bloody rows like tomatoes lined up in a microwave by mischievous boys. He swept the bodies of the monster people a second time, understanding that he had to kill their heads and their hearts.
When the rifle was empty he slipped it over his houlder. One of the bad people ran at him. This one was shorter than Lon, but he looked really mean. He was almost bald and had a big long nose.
"Shlonguh-shlonguh," the monster man said.
Lon reached into his pocket and took out a grenade. Daddy had always called these his specials, and Lon had seen them shred big stacks of tires. He stuck the grenade in the monster-man's mouth and pulled the pin.
Then he picked up the Shlonguh man and threw him into the crowd of bad zombie people. Lon may not have had a strong mind, but he was proud of the strong body he had gotten from working out with daddy ever since he could remember.
*
"JESUS CHRIST BIG NEST HE JUST TOOK OUT THIRTY OR FORTY OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! GO BIG BOY WOOOO!"
"Easy, Bird Seven."
*
Lon looked up and saw that he had almost cleared a path to Mrs. Miller and her little girl. He took daddy's twelve inch knife from a leg scabbard and started lopping off heads and puncturing hearts. He couldn't use the gun. He might hurt the nice lady.
He heard a funny noise and looked up. It was a choppercopter! He couldn't believe it! A choppercopter full of army men!
Lon got so excited he made a little poop in his pants, but it didn't matter because the rotten monster people already smelled bad enough.
He grabbed Mrs. Miller and Annie and carried them to the choppercopter.
When he handed the lady and her little girl up to the Army men, she kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you, sweetheart," she said.
She sounded just like his mommy, and Lon knew that somewhere, mommy and daddy and Mr. Jesus were proud of him.
Annie was still scared, but she gave him a little smile.
The army men tried to pull Lon up into the choppercopter, but he pushed away.
"No," he said. "There are still bad monster people out there and good people who need to be saved."
One of the Army men reached out and patted Lon on the arm. For the first time in his life he felt like a real man.
"I have to reload," Lon said, giving the Army man a clumsy salute.
Lon turned away from the choppercopter as it rose up into the air, and waded into the monster people, grinning from ear to ear.
*
"General? This is Big Nest, Cincinnati region. I know you are getting a lot of bleak news. We figured you could pass this video feed around. Let Mr. and Mrs. America, and the troops, know that the good fight is still being fought."
"Okay, Big Nest, let's see what you've got. Uh, Big nest, what the fuck am I looking at?"
"Well, sir, it is what it looks like. A... a giant mongoloid boy just took out about two hundred zombies all by himself."
"Are you funning me, soldier?"
"Sir, no SIR! Look at the video feed I'm sending you. That guy, that kid, I guess, in the middle of the zombies. He's the one."
"Soldier, all I see is a fat-ass who... damnation, who has literally shit his pants! His damn sweatpants are full of shit! I can see that from here!"
"I'm aware of that sir, but keep watching. This just happened moments ago."
The General watched in silence. Near the end of the video feed he gasped. The big idiot was tearing the undead to twitching pieces with his bare hands.
"Soldier, either bring that boy in, or keep him supplied," he said. He switched off the radio and sat back in his chair.
"Now THAT'S what we need in this man's army," the General said, lighting a cigar. "More fuckin RETARDS!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2006-11-14 20:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not too long ago I watched a movie that depicted the U.S. over run with zombies.
I think it was called "crossroads" with Britney Spears
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-14 18:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-11-14 16:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:55:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
guess what...
--
HAHA!
Look, I have the whole thing up here in my head. You have two choices. (1) You wait for me to get around to writing the damn thing all the way to the end where there are, like, only three survivors, omfg, or (2) I can tell it to you as a bedtime story. Here, drink some of this. Okay, now just lie back. There we go.
The rain started coming down harder, and Addison cuold feel the wheels of the bus getting sluggish as
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
guess what...
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-14 07:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now THAT'S what we need in this man's army," the General said, lighting a cigar. "More fuckin RETARDS!"
hahaha
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:50:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shlonguh-shlonguh," the monster man said.
------
AHAHAHAHAHA x 10000000000.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High Five.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to be late for a meeting because I got engrossed in his.
Bastard.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was freaking excellent.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-14 07:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now THAT'S what we need in this man's army," the General said, lighting a cigar. "More fuckin RETARDS!"
hahaha
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-14 06:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aces!
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-11-14 03:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's it. as soon as the zombies come, I'm getting together an army of 'tards.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-14 03:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, I only skimmed it and it seemed sorta funny, but this is purely for pasting the "Australian Sensation" thing over with the rest of the comment.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just brilliant!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SWEET ZOMBIE MR JESUS
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-13 21:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:14:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually laughed aloud at the end there.
Well done.
And in what? Ten minutes?
We're all doomed!
--
Actually about two hours. Took a lot of smoke breaks.
God, I love my job.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-13 20:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAAA!!!!
OK, people, all you zombie writers. BEAT THIS!!!!
Jack, I hate your guts, you talented motherfucker!!!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-13 20:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he sneezed.
This is what came out.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-11-13 20:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now THAT'S what we need in this man's army," the General said, lighting a cigar. "More fuckin RETARDS!"
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah Jack, here you go.
"Jack McCallum, come on down."
"You said that like I just won something on the price is right."
"Don't be a smartass Jack, you want in?"
the rest- http://www.ubersite.com/m/95717
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never cease to surprise me.
The kid was shitting in his pants and dripping pee pee but miraculously able to destroy hundreds of zombies.
Well I guess its good I read the whole thing or else this story would have been FUBAR.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Schlonguh Schlonguh!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best zombie post EVER just so happens to be one that I can't seem to find. I'm sure some of you know which one I'm talking about and can help find it. It's a post that contained absolutely no paragraphs despite lots of dialogue and (here's the givaway) contained sound effects/dialogue such as AAAARGH!, BLAM!, BOBBY NO!, and THERE BEHIND YOU!
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually laughed aloud at the end there.
Well done.
And in what? Ten minutes?
We're all doomed!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bam
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy undead ass kicking Bman!
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-11-13 19:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahahaha
Beef has your number, Jack.
Your post apocalyptic skid marks are tough to wash out.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shlonguh-shlonguh," the monster man said.
------
AHAHAHAHAHA x 10000000000.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAM
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO CHOPPERCOPTER!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THUS I REMAIN, KING OF THE TYPOS!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do 1 for daddy
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-11-13 18:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After the pandemic auto +2
That being said, it is my tradition not to read any of these posts.