Uber Learning Annex. Sandwich 102: Properly using your Salami (620 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2006-11-13 22:13:37 EST
Sandwich 101: Peanut Butter and Jelly: http://www.ubersite.com/m/79350
By now, I feel most of you have a grasp on the basics of the PB and J sandwich (You damn well better, I posted it a year ago). Now we're going to move on to a slighty more complex type of sandwich: The Meat Sandwich.
The anatomy of this sandwich features bread, meat, cheese, condiments and vegetables. All of these items should be readily availible at you local grocery store. If they aren't availible to you, move out of the desert.
Supplies:
Bread - Dealers choice here, but make sure you know what your getting. Don't buy "Honey Oat Bumblefuck" and expect it to taste like Wonderbread. When in doubt, simple wheat bread is your best choice.
Meat of your choice - The most important decision you'll make. This defines your sandwich. Simple choices are ham, turkey, roast beef, pastrami. I prefer deli-case meats. 1 pound of your meat of choice is usually good for 6 sandwiches.
Mayonaise - This is the lube of the sandwich. It ensures that each bite will be nice and moist. Miracle Whip will work, but is not recommended because its disgusting and is made from the tailbones of Ethiopian babies. And they treat the unions that de-bone the babies REALLY bad. (10 points for anyone who gets that reference)
Cheese of you choice - This is your equalizer. Find a cheese that balances with the meat you've chosen. Turkey is a more bland meat than pastrami, so you should consider a cheese with some kick, say Pepper Jack. Other solid choices are Chedder, American, and Swiss.
Lettuce (Optional) - This makes your sandwich look more pleasant, and adds a nice little crunch. Go with simple Iceberg lettuce.
Pickles (Optional) - Often an overlooked choice, pickles add a nice zing. Sweet pickles and dills are the most frequently used choices.
Tomato (Optional) - Adds a new color and flavor to your sandwich, but is often left out because of flavor conflict and the tomato's natural gross taste.
Mustard (Optional) - Another condiment, can spice up your sandwich. Yellow is the obvious choice, but I prefer a Honey Mustard. Dijon is also a viable option.
You'll also need a knife (perhaps 2), a plate and some napkins.
Now that you have all your ingredients, we can move on to assembly.
Take out two pieces of your bread of choice, avoiding the heel. If your bread has a hole in it, put it back and move down the bag until you find holeless bread, let your roomates deal with that bastard bread. Lay the pieces flat and insert your knife into the mayonaise, scooping enough to provide a thin layer (approx 1/12th of an inch thick) on your bread. Spread the mayo on the bread evenly, or if you're feeling spunky, spread it on both sides. Same rules apply to the second side of the bread as the first.
If you want to add mustard, now is the time. If you have a jar, you'll need to clean your knife before you put it in the mustard. Spread the mustard on the bread to a thickness of about 1/16th of an inch. You don't want more mustard than mayo since mustard has a more intense flavor. If you've joined the rest of us in the 21st century, you have mustard in a squeeze container. All you have to do is squirt a little bit onto the bread, the goal being to get a little bit of mustard into each bite. A smiley face mustard pattern is my personal favorite.
Now on to the meat. Lay down one slice of your bread to use as the "Sandwich Platform" If you're using processed meat, two slices will work. If you have deli meat, you'll need to make adjustments to how much meat you use based on the thickness of the slice. Shoot for even bread coverage of about 1/4-1/3 of an inch thick.
Cheese goes on next, one slice is usually enough, as long as the slice is big enough to cover the sandwich. If it isn't, grab an extra slice and make a cheese patch to cover the remaining area.
Veggies go on next. The proper order of vegatables is: Pickle, Tomato, Lettuce. Like most of you, I'm a lazy prick so no other veggies make the final cut on my sandwich. If someone else is making it, feel free to ask for peppers, jalapenos, rhino horn, or whatever floats your boat. If your veggies are already sliced you're ready to add them. If they aren't, you'll have to find a guide to slicing somewhere else. Its a big internet, I'm sure its there somewhere. Place the pickles on the sandwich providing even coverage. If they start sliding off the sandwich abandon the outer pickles and get a nice inner layer. One layer only, multiple pickle layers can pose a problem in the eating stage. Now place your tomato on top of the pickles, again in a single layer.
Finally, place your lettuce on top of the other veggies. Lettuce has a natural curve to it, place it so the curve goes down around the rest of the sandwich, creating a "Lettuce Dome".
To finish the sandwich, place the other slice of bread on top of the sandwich. Cutting it is optional, of course, but should you choose to use a sharp knife and cut diagonally, as its more aesthetically pleasing.
Place your sandwich on your plate and enjoy with your favorite beverage.
ADVANCED TECHNIQUES
You can use toasted bread to make your sandwich but I don't recomend it. If you do, allow the bread to cool before spreading on the mayo. Hot Bread + Mayonaise= Oily Sandwich.
If you want to toast your sandwich, I recomend putting it on a cookie sheet and placing it for about 15-20 seconds under the boiler. Do this after your sandwich in completed, but only if you aren't using veggies. This will slightly melt the cheese, give the bread a little crispness, but lettuce will quickly wilt and become disgusting.
Multiple Meats is always a viable option. Use half of the normal meat alotment, just use it twice with two different kinds of meat. Don't try this with two strong meats, like Ham and Pastrami. Use a bland meat and a strong meat like Turkey and Ham.
Potato Chips make a great side dish, as does Potato or Macaroni Salad. If you want to add a garnish, use a pickle spear or sprig of mint. Parsley is sooooo played out, and the mint will help your nasty pickle breath.
Always remember that meat is great, but its even better when you share it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-11-15 00:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit you were supposed to be here to make sammiches HOURS AGO! The muchies are fading, I need another joint....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DIP THE SALAME IN THE MAYONNAISE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A
sand wedge!
Homer: Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich.
Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-14 05:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I now want a sandwich so bad!!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-11-14 04:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 filename
Submitted by Arizhel (user info) at 2006-11-14 00:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, that picture made me hungry.
Argh.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and how random is it that for some reason I thought of your PB & J post just the other day. I was making PB & J.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only know how to hide it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take notes, ladies...
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-11-13 22:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.
-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer