I'm still single, but at least I got out of a ticket (3440 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.44 on 123 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by (V) (View user info) at 2006-11-14 09:41:11 EST
7:45 PM
I had managed to successfully weasel my way into a date with an incredibly hot blonde, blue eyed girl that lived not too far away from me. I had met her on the bus a few weeks ago when my car broke down and I was forced, FORCED I tell you, to take public transportation along with all the dregs of society.
It was a nightmare.
But, as always, there was a silver lining to my cloud. I saw how incredibly hot this girl was, I sat next to her, I managed not to stare at her breasts and/or pubis the entire time, and I made small talk with her long enough to procure a phone number and a date.
Three days later, that Friday night, I was all set to pick her up. My car had been cleaned for the first time in months, I was dressed to the nines, and ready for our date at 8:00.
I had 15 minutes to get to her, and it should have only taken me five, so I was doing well so far.
But, of course, things never work out the way they should.
I stopped at a traffic light about 3 blocks from her house, my radio blaring Akon's "smack that ass", Eminem belting out now classic lines such as
Pedicure, manicure, kitty cat claws.
The way she climbs up and down them poles.
Lookin' like one of them Pretty Cat Dolls.
I'm bobbing my head like the ultimate white boy, embarassing myself to no end, when a shadow crept up over my peripheral vision. I turned my head to my driver side window, only to see a giant brown mass with a leg dangling from it, blocking my view. It took me a few seconds to register what the hell it was, when a head popped down and sideways from above the brown mass and told me to lower my radio and pull my car over.
Yes folks, I had just been pulled over in my car by a cop on a horse.
If I weren't going to be late for my date, I would have been laughing like a hyena at the ridiculousness of being pulled over by a cop on a horse in NEW YORK. As it was, this bullshit was going to make me late for my date, and I
DON'T
LIKE
BEING
LATE
I suppose this was revenge for throwing an empty bottle of Blackhaus at a cop on a horse in Times Square on New Years, 1999.
I pull the car over, turn off the engine, and wait for this smug asshole to "park" his horse behind my car, saunter over to me and start with his bullshit so I can get on with my life.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I've been mysteriously transported to Amish Country, and I'm in violation of all sorts of Amish laws?"
That's what I would have LIKED to say. What I said was the standard mumbled "No officer, I have no idea."
"I pulled you over because one of your tail lights was out. I'm going to have to issue you a ticket"
"Yes sir, thanks, I'll be sure to take care of that first thing in the morning"
Suddenly, in the middle of my sentence, I heard the most horrifying sound I had ever heard in my life. It sounded like a death whinny from a horse having its eyes seared out by a hot poker.
We both stopped and turned around to look at the horse. The look on the horse's face was something between sheer agony and incredible horse anger. His teeth were bared and his lip was curled, and it looked like he was about to say "Go ahead punk, make my day"
That's when it happened. Something I could have never fathomed.
The horse vomited.
The horse vomited a barrage of semi-eaten carrot chunks all over my car.
People, I'm not talking about one or two carrots. I'm talking more like thousands of carrot chunks enveloping the back of my car like a fresh coat of orange paint. Jesus, I didn't even KNOW a horse could eat that many carrots in one sitting. It was mind-blowing.
After the horse completed his little sick spell, I looked back at the cop, an incredulous look upon my face.
"Did......your horse just throw up all over my car?"
"Ummm...yeah, sorry about that sir, he hasn't been feeling very well lately. Guess he's caught a bug or something"
"Sooo...what am I supposed to do now?"
"Oh, it'll come off in a car wash, here's 10 bucks, it's on me."
"Ok then, thanks, I guess I'll do that."
"Have a good day sir."
He walked back to his horse, who was now eating regurgitated carrot chunks off of the trunk of my car, rubbed it's nose a few times, talked to it assuredly, and got back on.
I couldn't believe what had happened. More importantly, I didn't know how I was going to explain this to the girl I was about to pick up. If I went to the car wash first, I would be even LATER than I already was, and that would entirely kill any chances I had of getting laid that night.I was only three blocks away, and I would have to go well out of my way to get to the car wash.
I figured that I'd explain what had happened, she'd understand, and we'd have a good laugh about it, and we could go to the car wash on our way to the restaurant.
In hindsight, I should have just called her, told her that I would be a little late, apologized, and taken care of the situation.
As it stood, I showed up at her house in a 96 Honda Civic with tinted windows and covered and smothered in regurgitated carrots.
I must have looked silly standing next to the car, waiting for her to get out of the house, a shit-eating grin on my face.
She came out, took one look at my car, and turned right around and back into her house, a complete look of disgust on her face.
Can't say I really blame her, but I'm sure that if she couldn't even be so understanding about a horse throwing up all over my car, then I really couldn't see us together in the long run. I suppose it was for the best.
I don't really have to tell you about the looks I got from the 30 mexicans standing around at the car wash.
Why DO they need so many fucking Mexicans to wash a car, anyway?
I'm still single, but at least I got out of a ticket.
User Reviews
Submitted by pannerplant (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-12-11 16:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2006-12-11 15:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you'll laugh. you'll cry. you'll hurl.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-12-11 14:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is this fag doing retal -2's???
naughty naughty.
if i were you 'frankthequeer' i wouldn't do that.
the big boys might pick on you.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-12-09 05:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
do us both a favor, Method, don't waste my time leaving me useless -2s just because I picked on sicosemen.
he and I have had issues since my first day here, issues he started. so if I get a chance, I'm going to take cheap shots at him, just like he takes cheap shots at me.
this has nothing to do with you, so stay out of it, k?
Submitted by Harbinger (user info) at 2006-12-04 16:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2die
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-03 17:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It sounded like a death whinny from a horse having its eyes seared out by a hot poker.
--------------------
When I first read the above sentence, I thought it said, "...having its eyes seared out by a hot pocket."
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck her if she can't handle a little horse hurl.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-30 17:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You traveled three hours for headwhop from Lechuga, but all you got was a marriage to Tigerlilly
;(
Submitted by spontaneous (user info) at 2006-11-30 11:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny like a nigger hanging upside down with a fork up his ass.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-24 22:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-15 14:06:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, if you people are going to call shenanigans, at least call it on my scoring a hot chick, not on whether or not the fucking horse threw up
---
this is actually a good point, the story was fucking hilarious
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-21 10:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
100% homo
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-17 14:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-17 13:10:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
100% True
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-16 15:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-15 20:26:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
ITS OK, ITS GOT TINTS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ahahahaha
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-15 23:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bidesurns.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-15 21:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Red
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-15 20:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ORANGE tints?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-15 20:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ITS OK, ITS GOT TINTS
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2006-11-15 19:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-11-15 11:53:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
It wasn't the horse vomit, man... it was THE 96 HONDA CIVIC that made her turn heel and bolt.
_____
He's right you know.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-15 18:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if it's not true. I'd like to believe it is.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-11-15 14:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertainment is good <3
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-15 14:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, if you people are going to call shenanigans, at least call it on my scoring a hot chick, not on whether or not the fucking horse threw up
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-15 13:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
steel works
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-11-15 11:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It wasn't the horse vomit, man... it was THE 96 HONDA CIVIC that made her turn heel and bolt.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-11-15 10:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shennanigans.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-15 05:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-14 23:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Liar.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-14 23:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Humourous but unamazing anecdote gets 100 reviews?
Method = Sideburns
Submitted by cstick3 (user info) at 2006-11-14 23:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor horse, what a shitty life to have to sit under a cop's ass
tits on anything is great, except, ironically in this situation, a cop. That cop is usually a man with 34DD boobs, and the only thing bigger is the wart on his face or the overhang of his gut beyond his 5 size to small pants.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this newer, fatter Shlongy. Maybe now the gut, lovehandles and waddle ass will help deemphasize the pocketbook-sized nose.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-11-14 22:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:58:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
A cop on a horse is about as useful as tits on a rooster.
-----------------
I disagree
Tits on ANYTHING has to be more useful than a cop
with or without the horse
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A cop on a horse is about as useful as tits on a rooster.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahhahahahhhahahha thats one of the best stories I ever heard, fucks sake man!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-11-14 21:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
for fuck sake, i reckon thered be a crowd to watch you take a dump.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crap, I think I've used that lame-ass joke before.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I started the weight loss regiment this afternoon with a tuna sub that had to be a foot and a half in length.
So, I'm off to a bit of a slow start.
I cannot fit into many of my pants these days and have no idea what the fuck happened, although I'm sure going on a cruise to the Bahamas last weekend where you can eat and drink pretty much for 72 hours straight probably didn't help matters much.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It may astound you, but I'm NOT ACTUALLY A HITMAN SEEKING REVENGE FOR HIS DEAD BROTHER. THAT WAS FICTION TOO.
Morons.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
@Meth: Dayum.
@Shlongy: Spicy meal + Ephedrine should get a good 4 pounds out.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-14 18:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-11-14 18:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:58:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
I need to lose about 6 pounds by Friday...anyone have a sure-fire method - get it? - to do so?
Exercise and dieting and cutting out booze is out of the question.
_________________
AMPHETAMINES, BEEEYOTCH.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-11-14 16:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-11-14 15:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:58:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
We just got cops on horses here in town. They all think they're cowboys but I suppose getting pulled by one of them is better than getting pulled over by a bike cop.
-----
I can hear you talking about me.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We just got cops on horses here in town. They all think they're cowboys but I suppose getting pulled by one of them is better than getting pulled over by a bike cop.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:26:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
IM MEDITERRANEAN GODAMMIT
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:45:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice but a small correction must be made...
I'm bobbing my head like the ultimate sand nigger"""
____________-
Methods my greek nigga.
WE ARE VERY PROUD OF OUR HISTORY OF HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE PHALANX!!!
oh and math too...
--------
yet you couldn't come up with "zero"
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I barfed in a bucket of chicken once. The guys who bought it weren't very happy with me.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
SHITTY ALTER ALERT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:16:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
<puts on fake glasses with nose and moustache>
I do say, this is fantastic! B@W material if I ever saw it!
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yah, seriously
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG I DON'T THINK THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED SO I AM GOING TO -2 IT DESPITE THAT IT IS A FUNNY STORY!!!
UBERSITE IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM!!!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
IM MEDITERRANEAN GODAMMIT
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:45:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice but a small correction must be made...
I'm bobbing my head like the ultimate sand nigger"""
____________-
Methods my greek nigga.
WE ARE VERY PROUD OF OUR HISTORY OF HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE PHALANX!!!
oh and math too...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:16:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<puts on fake glasses with nose and moustache>
I do say, this is fantastic! B@W material if I ever saw it!
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i gotta remember to rate these things
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i would have called her and told her you just inherited $50 million and that was your test to see if she was worthy.... and she failed
Submitted by garudave (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for epic horse vomit.
-1 for Eminem lyrics.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-17 21:38:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, make rape to me
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
IM MEDITERRANEAN GODAMMIT
===
you mean arabic!
ALAIN ACKBAR!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
IM MEDITERRANEAN GODAMMIT
------
this make me think olive toned skin. which makes me think green. which makes me think you are really the incredible hulk only hairier.
this was a pleasant crash in my train of thought
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:51:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
george told me he goes back to greece regularly and fucks his cousins up the ass.
i thought i'd share.
-----------------------------------------
I know. He sends me the pictures. Please send me more.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would it be better if I suggested you rape horses in your spare time?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
george told me he goes back to greece regularly and fucks his cousins up the ass.
i thought i'd share.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
IM MEDITERRANEAN GODAMMIT
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice but a small correction must be made...
I'm bobbing my head like the ultimate sand nigger"""
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:41:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
manicmother:
if i insult you can you please have a hissy fit like the old days i am trying to pick a fight with someone.
----------------------
I see you in a field with a rope around your neck getting fucked by a rough cowboy named Big Jim with a barbed wire wrapped branding iron. FEEL THE SEARING PAIN YOU PUMPKIN HEADED BITCH!"""
my friends call me Big Jim.
I am not a gay cowboy.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Horses are hot.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh........you!
Just think of it this way: When you find a lady some day, you can get incredible discounts on jewelry. You know the fake kind that you...*ducks*
*lovies*
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
manicmother:
if i insult you can you please have a hissy fit like the old days i am trying to pick a fight with someone.
----------------------
I see you in a field with a rope around your neck getting fucked by a rough cowboy named Big Jim with a barbed wire wrapped branding iron. FEEL THE SEARING PAIN YOU PUMPKIN HEADED BITCH!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:33:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
Where the fuck did Orgasmo come up with "Colonix"???
I just read 23 testimonials and those did nothing but persuade me NEVER to take that stuff.
I need answers...stat. """
yeah i saw that too.
never in a million fucking years.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read below, hooknose.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where the fuck did Orgasmo come up with "Colonix"???
I just read 23 testimonials and those did nothing but persuade me NEVER to take that stuff.
I need answers...stat.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
stopped reading at 'bobbing my head' and figured you should just come out of the closet
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
manicmother:
if i insult you can you please have a hissy fit like the old days i am trying to pick a fight with someone.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:01:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:53:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have laughed my ass off, out with you, directed you to the nearest carwash, and made random cop/vomit jokes the rest of the evening.
But hey, that's just how I roll. """
the made up woman in this story is sexually attractive therefore doesn't have to have faux jolliness to make up for her ugliness.
------------
come on apollo, I know better than to take Method at face value with his stories but made up or not this was funny.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:58:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
I need to lose about 6 pounds by Friday...anyone have a sure-fire method - get it? - to do so?
Exercise and dieting and cutting out booze is out of the question.
=-=-=-=
Get a couple 8-balls....texas tan diet plan.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:07:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah fucking right.
Funny, though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:44:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
when it is the evening I am drunk.
====
ME TOO!
WE'RE TWINS!
i came back here looking for some entertainment. Uber sucks today. guess i'll do some work. damn it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:52:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Carrot vomit is an excellent source of antioxidant compounds, and the richest vegetable source of the pro-vitamin carotenes. Carrot vomit and the antioxidant compounds help protect cars against theft, rust and if enough vomit against windshield cracks and breaks.
Apparently it protects against the possibility of stds too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:53:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have laughed my ass off, out with you, directed you to the nearest carwash, and made random cop/vomit jokes the rest of the evening.
But hey, that's just how I roll. """
the made up woman in this story is sexually attractive therefore doesn't have to have faux jolliness to make up for her ugliness.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:58:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
I need to lose about 6 pounds by Friday...anyone have a sure-fire method - get it? - to do so?
Exercise and dieting and cutting out booze is out of the question.
---
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:44:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:27:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood issuing a ticket for having a dead tail light. Like the driver knows about that. "Oh so not only do I have to drop $4 on new lights, but now I have to pay this fine for not being aware of the issue in the first place? Aces! This is just like that time I had to pay an STD Penalty when the tests came back positive for the clap."
If anything the cop should be happy that he/she is doing a public service by pointing it out to you. """
It is your responsibility to check that your lights etc are in full working order.
i do this regularly.
mostly because when my lights are on it is the evening. And when it is the evening I am drunk.
---
How the fuck can I be expected to check out the tail lights when I'm doing your mom on the hood of my car like we're in some sort of freaky, dirty-five-thirty Whitesnake video?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I need to lose about 6 pounds by Friday...anyone have a sure-fire method - get it? - to do so?
Exercise and dieting and cutting out booze is out of the question.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have laughed my ass off, out with you, directed you to the nearest carwash, and made random cop/vomit jokes the rest of the evening.
But hey, that's just how I roll.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Carrot vomit is an excellent source of antioxidant compounds, and the richest vegetable source of the pro-vitamin carotenes. Carrot vomit and the antioxidant compounds help protect cars against theft, rust and if enough vomit against windshield cracks and breaks.
Vitamin A/carrot vomit also protects against CARdiovascular disease and rusty pipes and also promotes good vision, especially night vision as long as your vision isn't completely impaired due to the vomit on your windshield.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THATS IT, ENORMO BALLOON FLOAT HEAD, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:27:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood issuing a ticket for having a dead tail light. Like the driver knows about that. "Oh so not only do I have to drop $4 on new lights, but now I have to pay this fine for not being aware of the issue in the first place? Aces! This is just like that time I had to pay an STD Penalty when the tests came back positive for the clap."
If anything the cop should be happy that he/she is doing a public service by pointing it out to you. """
It is your responsibility to check that your lights etc are in full working order.
i do this regularly.
mostly because when my lights are on it is the evening. And when it is the evening I am drunk.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a lying whore.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You left out that she was black with blonde hair.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood issuing a ticket for having a dead tail light. Like the driver knows about that. "Oh so not only do I have to drop $4 on new lights, but now I have to pay this fine for not being aware of the issue in the first place? Aces! This is just like that time I had to pay an STD Penalty when the tests came back positive for the clap."
If anything the cop should be happy that he/she is doing a public service by pointing it out to you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
leave your windows open next time.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lucky you don't drive a Vespa, I suppose.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your story should've taken place in Africa.
You should've used an elephant instead of a horse.
And let's see.. oh it should've been an african booty scratcher instead of a hot blonde.
+1
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
anally?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, I've got a DOOZIE of an uberpost in the works.
Assholes = )
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what does this have to do with Ubersite, harassing other Ubersite users, or harassing babies?
sorry, son, you've been typecast and we expect you to continue to fill out your assigned role.
-2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
STFU MIDGET, I'LL CRUMPLE YOU
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah it was pretty gross...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant shenanigans that you didn't hit on the cop.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was KIDDING about the "puddy" cat thing. OKAY?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 10:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lizz_Zero (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:57:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
-1 Horses cannot throw up
-2 Lies aren't funny
-------------------
Horses CAN throw up, you fucking stunned cunt
And people wonder why no one writes anything anymore on Ubersite.
"WTF BULLSHIT SHENANIGANS LIAR"
Just shut the fuck up and enjoy the story. The horse DID throw up, and there were carrots EVERYWHERE.
Go to fucking pulsehead or sit and rot on your own fucking blog if you want to read boring fucking non-fiction stories about how sad/pathetic your life is. I write to entertain, not to establish credibility with some shitty cowardly alter and/or assholes who nitpick every fucking detail.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:58:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:49:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
shenans twice over:
1. you SO wouldve stared at her boobs
2. horses cannot throw up/burp. they just shit.
---------
horses can puke, i've had one regurgitate apple into my hand.
ewwwww
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:49:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
shenans twice over:
1. you SO wouldve stared at her boobs
2. horses cannot throw up/burp. they just shit.
---------
horses can puke, i've had one regurgitate apple into my hand.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOLed!
Submitted by Lizz_Zero (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-1 Horses cannot throw up
-2 Lies aren't funny
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BLAARRRRRF!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hhahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahah.
i don't believe you and i'm sorry your window wasn't open in the story. but...
hahahahhahhahahhaahahahhahhahaahha.
fag.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's exactly where it happened = )
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I *was* gonna freak you out by naming random carwashes in your area but I decided against it. I would call shenannigans but I know they have mounted police units on BBlvd these days.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.wonderquest.com/HorseVomit.htm
Says it's quite rare, but it does happen
And who cares if it's true? Most of the bullshit on this place wasn't true. It's not a fucking blog
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiiiiice. :)
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shenans twice over:
1. you SO wouldve stared at her boobs
2. horses cannot throw up/burp. they just shit.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:49:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I wish we had more police on horses over here. It's nearly never seen nowadays.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just kidding i LOVED IT.. AND YOU!!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 projectile equine vomiting
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pedicure, manicure, kitty cat claws.
The way she climbs up and down them poles.
Lookin' like one of them Pretty Cat Dolls
';';';';
its "puddy" cat dolls.
durrrrrrr
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
bomb
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
solid null
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-14 09:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
he he