With friends like these who needs heterosxual sex? (374 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.62 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nahnoneofit (View user info) at 2006-11-14 11:10:05 EST
Before I start I'd just like to say I've never really been much of a story teller. I don't intend or expect this post to find itself into your hearts or be profound oranything. I just feel like writing right now and the submit button at the top of my screen happened to be closer then the Wordpad icon in my start menu. So uhh fuck off if you peruse this site on daily basis scrutinizing peoples light hearted scribbling and trying to run their creative desire to express themselves through writing into the ground just because you've been writing shit here longer. Geeks.
So's anyways, I've got this friend, James. We went to highschool together, but never really got along then. He sat at that end of the cafeteria and I sat on this one, if you catch my drift. Stupid highscool clannish nonsense. Luckily for me I haven't set foot in the place since ninth grade, so I can and do feel supierior to you and your rigorously brainwashed, singular and fascist point of view :).
Me and James were fast friends once we crossed paths outside the slick white brick walls and hypnotic drone of flourescent lights that ensures a complacent, zombie like student body devoid of any enthusiasm for the education humdrumly pounded into ones psyche with the finesse that only an underpaid lifeless army of miserable fed up faculty can give.
But I digress. Highschool in all its ineptitude has nothing to do with this story. I am retarded. Perhpas they teach cognitive writing skills in tenth grade. Oh well, Lets move on.
James. An imposing young vagrant of irish descent with a thirst for blood and a taste for booze. Introduced me to the cheap beer and even cheaper vodka I love to hate and hate to love.
I forget how it was we started hangin out, however I do remember that since day one we had two collective, sentient goals in mind.
Avoid any productive, constructive, progressive or otherwise existential behavior at ALL costs,
and double team your mom.
Now the second one was easy, much like your sister. But the first one was becoming harder and harder to fullfill without a steady flow of income, and thusly the aformentioned cheap booze.
See James soon lost his job at a magazine factory 'cause we rented Baldurs gate for the Xbox and played it religiously for three days straight. Money was getting tight, and your moms anus ever looser by the second. We needed a plan. We needed to rack our brains, search our intellects for a constructive solution to our problem, so we could stop ourselves from searching our intellects for constructive solutions to our problems.
We needed beer.
---------------------------------------------
*cutscene to James and I sitting in his beat up Mazda atop a hill overlooking a desolate parking lot.
It's midnight
It's autumn
No we're not making out.
James- See that mountain of kegs over there behind that building?
Me- Bad idea.
James- We're stealing one for Jimmys party.
Me- Youre an idiot
James- You drive so I can jump out and grab one real quick.
Me- Cool.
James- Arright lets do this shit LEEEEROOOOOOOOOOYYY JENNNNNNNNNNKINNNNNSS!!!
I hop in the drivers seat, we cruise down behind this big brewery to this MOUNTAIN of kegs just sitting there, ripe for the picking. James gets out and muscles one into the back seat and we bust outta there like Chris Farley busting out of David Spades boxer shorts.
James- ahahahahahaha, dude we gotta go back.
Me- ...what the hell for?
James- get another one.
Me- Dude, come on, we got one, were halfway home, lets just leave it at that, we have a fucking KEG! Jimmys gonna shit his pants when we show up at his party with a stolen keg, we'll be heroes.
James- And if we show up at Jimmys party with TWO kegs, we'll be LEDGENDS.
Me- I hate you.
And that was the kind of irrefutable logic that just plain makes sense when you're hanging out with James. If it's there, why cant it be yours? someone else will come and take it if you don't. sometimes you just gotta stop stopping and thinking and just do it. Besides, we were already turned around heading back to the brewery.
----------------------
*cutscene to James and I in a holding cell at the county jail.
...
James- Dude, we're in jail.
And it was only at the moment he said that that it hit me. We were in jail. I was eighteen years old and I was doing weekends in jail for stealing kegs. Oh well, shit happens I guess. James was there too, so I didnt feel totally retarded. Fifteen days ain't all that much to be upset about.
To this day anytime I bring up the story James gets all pissed when I tell the part about him insisting we go back for another run at the kegs. And I love every fuckin minute of it. The effectiveness of the phrase "i told you so" never seems to dwindle when youve got friends like James.
but even the best of friends have a tiff every now and again. Although most tiffs dont involve guns, multiple broken bones, loss of nerve function and disfgurement. Which brings me to my next little anecdote.
One night at this party house I was all kinds of fucked up sitting on a floor in someones bedroom. James bursts in the room, pellet rifle in hand and says "hey will, i'm gonna shoot you with this pellet gun".
so I'm like "whatev" and he takes aim and lodges a bb in my shin.
Everyone had a good laugh and I came away from the expeirence no worse for the wear, with a bb lodged in my shin to this day. fast foward a week. We're at the same house. I see the bb gun. I see the bb's. I pump that motherfucker 'till i think im breaking a sweat cause its so hard to pump. I drop a bb down the barrel. I march through the house, all rigid and formal and shit with the gun in both hands in front of me, shit eating grin on my face. I kick the back door open and take aim.
*cut scene to me flat out on my back in the yard after getting hit with the hardest punch in the history of the world.
James' arm was all fucked up, turns out the thing was already loaded so I shot him with two bb's that might as well have been coming out of a real gun with how much I pumped the thing. How the hell am I supposed to know how to use a bb gun? A week later I went to the hospital cause my shiner was just getting worse and the doc tells me i've got four broken bones and a crushed sinus. I was pretty pissed for a few days but I got over it. I guess.
It's weird. We were both wrong and we were both right. I mean we both said sorry, and we both acknowledge why the other did what they did, but nobodys really more wrong, we just kinda put it behind us and now we're buds still. Whats a hospital bill or two between friends right?
User Reviews
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What's that you say?
You want another?
Well here you go!
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-11-14 14:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For the first paragraph
I didn't even bother reading after that
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
it must suck to have never seen a real woman naked.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:11:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
I think this is your second post (third including reposts), but it's one a day.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"stupid high school clannish nonsense"
hmmm...and here you are at ubersite.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-11-14 12:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
How many posts can you fit in a day?!!! Keep 'em comin, dipshit!
High five for retarded bb gun fights
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sorry the home schooled weirdo slot is taken by Tom.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you should learn to count before you start writing by numbers
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-11-14 11:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think this is your second post (third including reposts), but it's one a day.